After the mission

[stella_clara]

Muses: Yihyun (stella_clara) and DJ (b2stlydreams)
Status: Closed
Date / Time: 10/13, Afternoon
Rating: PG (for now, might change)
Type: Thread
Summary: The last mission finally finished. It was now time to report to the headquarters.

Comments

[b2stlydreams]

That mission. every since that mission he hasn't been okay. How exactly was he going to be okay? he had witnessed or heard his girlfriend sleeping with someone else. He tried ti be rational, he had to be rational. This was work and as he had told her during that mission, she wasn't Yihyun and he wasn't Doojoon but how was hd going to get ovef that fact? The images of that fucking man all over her. It tormented him. He stayed silent but he had lost focus. It rarely happened. It hadn't happened in so long but he lost it. It's been weeks and DJ hasn't spoken to Yihyun both because of work and because he didn't want to. The girl coukd easily detect his troubles, his inconsistency, his mood changes and he knew she'd have figured it out.

What DJ didn't know was how deep it had affected him. His worries, hate, anger had seeped through and clouded his judgement and affected his work. All this were reflected on his report but he didn't realize it. When Yihyun came up to him, he lifted his head, his face blank as he gathered the papers and slipped them into the folder. "Here." His voice was blank as well, handing her the folder.

He sat there, fiddling with the paper on his desk. He didn't talk to Yihyun nor did he smile like he used to. With reports handed in DJ was ready to go home or something until a booming voice rang throughout the office. The chief sounded mad and was calling out DJ's name. He hurriedly moved into the office and the door wasn't even shut when the Chief slapped his report on his chest, paper falling to the floor. "What useless shit is this?!?" The chief was yelling and insulting him, utterly displeased with his report, his actions on that meeting. "I didn't think you were capable of messing up like this! Are you an idiot? For fuck's sake!" DJ just stood there, head lowered as he received with no retort, everything that was threw at it. The whole office heard.

"No missions for you until you find your goddamn head and screw it right on your fucking neck! Ya hear me? I'll cuff you to your desk until you're fit for duty! Go home DJ."

[stella_clara]

His response to her made her frown but she said nothing as she took his report. "Okay. Thank you." she said in a soft voice before she hesitantly turned away to submit their reports to the Police Chief Officer. Once that was done, she stepped out to head back to her desk but she stopped a few steps away from his desk and glanced at him. He was obviously still affected by what happened during their mission. She wanted to ask if he would come home with her when suddenly she heard the Chief's voice booming throughout the whole office.

Yihyun flinched and she quickly stepped away, watching DJ walk over to the Chief then the Chief's angry and harsh words came flying from his mouth for everyone to hear. Loud and clear. She frowned, watching DJ take it all in without a word and with his head lowered. Somehow, she felt responsible for what had happened. This was the first time he got scolded by the Chief. He was always good at his job.

This only means that what happened in the mission really fucked him up and over. When the Chief finally left, she moved over to DJ immediately. "D-DJ..." she called out softly.

[b2stlydreams]

He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed softly, he didn't even remember what he had placed in that reports. The Chief's shouting rang in his head and his eyebrow's furrowed. He looked slightly shaken, but it easily faded back into that blankness. Stepping out of the office and the Chief leaving DJ turned at the sound of his name, "I'm going home," he said softly, walking past her. Already loosening his tie, he grabbed his wallet and phone and walked out of the office. Going home like the Chief had told him, stuck with desk work until he manages to put things in check. How long would that be? His fingers rubbed over his eyes, teeth grit as he grumbled silently to himself. "The fuck is going on with me..." It must be that mission,it must be because of something that didn't have to do with work. Disgraceful. He was an undercover agent, personal shit shouldn't mix with work. Somehow he felt like he had been compromised, by none other than himself.

Home. He just wanted to hide there for a while, lock himself in and not come out. DJ knew that he needed to talk to Yihyun still, they needed to talk about it in order to patch things up but he didn't want to talk. He couldn't even come close when she came back home. He was frozen in place. He wished that night, he wished that he managed to stop the man who was fucking his girlfriend. Why the heck did he have to be the one guarding the door while it all happened? Why was he the one hearing every groan, moan, gasp of the woman he loved as she got fucked by a greasy, old, gross man? It pissed him off, but he couldn't do anything. He let a part of him die that day just to get through with it. He hasn't been the same since.

[stella_clara]

Yihyun frowned but she let him walk past her and leave. Maybe, he needed some time alone. She decided to let him leave first, she still had a few things to finish up in the office anyway. With a heavy sigh, she walked back to her desk and worked but her mind never stopped thinking about him.

Once she finished everything, she decided to send him a message first just to know where he is so she could go there. And maybe, see if he wants to see her or not. After what happened that night, she really couldn't find the strength or the face to really look him in the eye and talk to him like before. She felt ashamed. Dirty. Unworthy.

[text] hey, I just finished work. Where did you go home?

[b2stlydreams]

He was at his place, in bed, under the blankets with beer at his bedside. There was a need to silence everything, the voices in his head, his own thoughts, the voice of the chief, the disappoint, the frustration, the anger, the desperation, everything. Alcohol seemed to work like a charm, even if it was just for a little while. He had received her message and he stared at it, knowing full well that ignoring her wasn't going to fix anything and prolonging it would just hurt him in the end he replied.

[text] My place.

He paused before pressing send, wondering if he should add anything more that that but thought otherwise and just sent it.

[stella_clara]

The delay in his response spoke volumes about how he felt and how he feels towards her. She knew. He was probably hurt about what happened...and disturbed. She would be, if it was her in his position. She knew he was trying to keep himself together all throughout the mission and even after that but sometimes, you just can't hold everything in then it explodes on your face without you knowing.

When he finally replied, she let out a relieved sigh then sent another message.

[text] can I come over? Can we talk?

[b2stlydreams]

[text] Okay.

It as the usual feeling of not wanting her around and wanting her around. Torn between everything that was going on. He wanted to see her, wanted to be with her but a part of him didn't. He wanted to be alone, too. But either way there was only negative things to being alone as compared to being with her. It was the only rational thing he could come up with when he sent that message. Setting aside, the more obvious reason that he did love her and couldn't resist her and that he missed her. He was, unstable like that. Disturbed.

He reached out for his beer and finished off one bottle. That was all he had. He didn't want her to come and see him drunk. After all she did say she wanted to talk and a drunk DJ wouldn't do much talking at all.

[stella_clara]

With his reply, Yihyun gathered his things and headed home. To him. He was her home and she can't stand another day without them talking. As much as she didn't want to show her face to him, she wanted to fix whatever was tearing them apart. It might happen again in the future. They will encounter more bumps in the road especially with their jobs but she didn't want any of it to cause them what they have right now. She wanted to fight for them. For him. For herself.

She doesn't want this bump on the road they are into end everything for them. No. Never.

Eventually, she arrived at his place and she stood by the door, biting down on her lower lip as she gathered every courage she has and knocked on the door. She let out a heavy sigh as she waited for him to open the door.

[b2stlydreams]

When he heard the knock he pushed himself out of bed, he was wearing just boxers, a shirt and barefooted walked to the door and opened the door for her. He was planning to smile when he saw her, to say hi but it didn't happen. Nothing came out, for a few seconds he was just staring at her before he lowered his head and stepped aside, holding the door open. His lips remained tightly sealed. It was always so hard for him to communicate because he never really knew how to address his feelings. At one point maybe he thought he needed more sessions with a psychiatrist. The in-house psychiatrist at work would probably do the trick but he hadn't found the guts to even schedule an appointment.

He shut the door when she stepped in and he followed her, walking back to the bedroom and crawling back under the sheets. DJ didn't know what to say. He wanted to apologize but words still failed. DJ knew well enough that all this that was happening was shit because he did sleep with other women because of work, too, just she wasn't there when he had to do it. He was being irrational, over sensitive, irritable, jealous and angry and he could address that. He knew all of that. He could identify but he wasn't sure he could handle them all together.

[stella_clara]

Yihyun could not meet his gaze when he opened the door and just stared at her. It made her nervous and anxious. Suddenly, she just wanted to hide away in embarrassment. When he stepped aside, Yihyun stepped inside and she stood in the living room quietly. She couldn't seem to find words to say to him as well. She sighed out and set her bag down on the couch before she walked into his room.

"B-babe..." she called out softly. Her head hang low as her fingers fiddled restlessly on the hem of her uniform top. "I..." she opened her mouth to say something but closed it again, a lone tear trickling down her cheek. "I understand if you hate me now..." she whispered.

[b2stlydreams]

His hands fisted against the sheets as he heard her speak. He didn't hate her, he didn't. If he did he'd have told her to go away and not let her come in. She was the only person he wanted in, in his life and he knew that. The fact that he was like this, like child angry at their parents was wrong and he hated himself all the more for it. He needed the courage to look at her, the courage to take her in his arms and tell her that it's not okay but eventually it will be. He didn't want to lose her.

"I...I don't hate you," he suddenly said, his voice strained, caught up in his throat as he sat up from bed. He kept his head down, still trying to find himself inside him. "I don't...hate you...Noona..." his words were soft, and it looked like he was trying to find the write words as he spoke. Cautious and careful. It was like he just learned about certain words and just started using them. "I don't....hate you at all...I'm...sorry."

[stella_clara]

She stood there, by the door of his room, her head lowered as well as she listened to him speak. His words were enough reassurance to ease her up somehow. Even just a little bit and she shook her head when he apologized as she let out a shaky breath. "You didn't do anything wrong so don't apologize." she said. "I know it was for work...and...that...you told me to stay in my character...so I did...but still, I feel sick and so ashamed for that." she muttered. "I'm sorry. I tried avoiding it." she bit her quivering lip.

"I just want you to know that I love you. And that I'm sorry. I knew it would affect you one way or another and you were there...it made the situation harder..." then she looked up at him. "You can't even look at me now..."

[b2stlydreams]

He loved-- loves her. There was no question there and yet he was giving her a hard time. He didn't blame her. Everything that happened was work related and it wasn't her fault. It wasn't like she wanted it anyway. Slowly, he looked up at her. "I love you. We're...not okay but we will be..." It was the best he could come up with. There was nothing she needed to apologize for. There was nothing she had to prove. Who else could love him this much even if she knew how twisted he was, how unstable his mentality was? No one was ever going to love him like she has and he loves her just as much. He fiddled with his fingers, looking at her still before dropping his head back down. "Mianhe...I couldn't do anything to stop him from touching you..."

[stella_clara]

Yihyun listened to him and she nodded. Yes. They were not okay but she really hoped that they will be. She'd do anything to fix them. "It's okay...you don't have to apologize. It was our job to play our characters, it's out of our control." she said, looking down again. "D-do you mind if I stay here? Or do you want to be alone?" she wondered, wiping at her tears. "I want to...cuddle with you but...I would understand if you don't want to."

[b2stlydreams]

"Stay...." he said softly, "I'm going to be here for a while. You know, Chief said so." The mention of work seemed to lower his head, his shoulders dipping more. "I don't mind if you stay." DJ felt really sad. Itwas true that it aas out of his hands, it couldn't be helped but was that really the case? He could have started a diversion. He could do that, right? Those thoughts tormented him, regret seeping through as he had allowed her to go through it all, the pain and the trauma. It saddened him. If he could apologize over and over or turn back time, he would.

[stella_clara]

Yihyun sighed and she moved over to his bed. She sat beside him, just watching him for a moment before she carefully slipped her arms around his waist and buried her face into his shoulder. "Doojoon-ah..." she whispered, squeezing him gently as she nuzzled more into him. "I love you, you know that, right? I love you so much." she whispered repeatedly. If only she could do something to make him feel better but she doesn't know what to do.