A Loud Voice For Quiet Hearts - Chapter Fifteen
2010
Back on the set of Behind The Music, Taylor was sitting with Jensen on stage for the first time since the original 2008 taping of the show. The rest of the band had given their stories; now it was Jensen’s turn.
“Jensen, thank you for joining us,” Taylor said, smiling widely.
“Thank you, Taylor- You saved the best for last,” Jensen said, and she laughed.
“So, you’re able to join us tonight because the trial of Misha Collins ended yesterday, is that correct?” She asked, leaning back in her chair.
“That’s correct. I wasn’t able to talk about much of anything that happened due to the gag order the judge had imposed, but now that the verdict has been passed down, I’m free to discuss the case.”
“From what leaked during the trial, I understand that Mr. Collins reached out to you after texting the band as a whole?”
“Misha texted the entire band to apologize for what he’d said earlier at the studio, and also admitted to stealing money from the band for some time. He passed it off as him taking what he was due, but it wasn’t until a forensic accountant firm looked over all of the books that the full extent of the theft came to light.”
“He’d been stealing from the fan club as well, correct?” Taylor said, leaning on the arm of her chair.
“The fan club, the merch table, even the charities we’d been working on different campaigns with over the years- Misha had taken a cut of it, and hidden it in several shell companies he’d set up over the years. The accounting team is still trying to track down some of the money,” Ross said, shaking his head.
“So, what did he text you specifically?”
“That he wanted to end it all,” Jensen said simply. “That everything had been taken from him, and there was no reason to keep going if this was how things were going to be for him. I thought he meant he was going to kill himself, so I begged him to wait until I could get down there, talk him out of it.”
“And when you got there? What happened?”
“He shot me,” Jensen said simply.
“That’s it? No grand confession, no villain soliloquy?” Taylor said, raising an eyebrow.
“Nope. I knocked on the door, he opened it and let me in. I stepped farther into the room, and he shot me. I don’t know how long I was out, but I came to consciousness with him on the phone with the 911 operator, talking about how the band would have to take him back, now that he’d gotten rid of me. He was still holding the gun, but it was almost like he’d forgotten he still had it. I wrestled it away from him, shot him, told the operator where we were, and then hid in the bathroom.” Jensen said, repeating the same story he’d told since that fall day.
Taylor was sitting perfectly still, pale beneath her makeup. “And that’s where the paramedics found you.”
“In the bathroom, staring at the tiles in the bathtub and getting angry at myself for never getting around to deciding which tile to put in my downstairs bathroom.” Jensen said, shaking his head.
“The defense had a different version of events that they gave at trial, didn’t they?”
“They did. The defense claimed that I had driven down there to shoot Misha because of what he’d said to me earlier in the day. Luckily, the 911 tape and texts he’d sent helped convince the jury that it was a load of horseshit.”
“So, tell me about the months after the shooting. You were in physical therapy, you weren’t allowed to talk to the press or anyone in your life about the case- What did you do with yourself?” Taylor asked, resting an elbow on the arm of her chair.
“Well, first I mourned the fact that we weren’t able to complete this amazing tour that had been a year in the making. We were supposed to do Canada next, then Europe and Russia and a few dates in Australia. The dates were rescheduled a few times, but we ended up having to cancel the rest of the tour completely when it became obvious that the trial was going to keep dragging on,” Jensen shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. “It really sucked, not being able to do all the things we’d planned.”
“Are there plans in place to finish the tour at some point? I know a lot of fans were pretty disappointed when the rest of the tour was cancelled.”
“To be honest, I don’t know. We most likely will put something together eventually, but not anytime soon. The Infinity Tour was intended to be our last hurrah- We’d planned on going on indefinite hiatus after the tour concluded.”
“The others talked about that a bit earlier; tell me how you came to decide to break up? Was there in-fighting? Other than the obvious, of course,” Taylor said, smiling wryly.
“Well, only the four of us and Jeff, our manager, knew about the hiatus. We talked about it being for a year, or two years, but never really decided on a specific time frame- We just knew that we wanted to go out in a blaze of glory, for lack of a better expression. The crew, the label, no one else knew what we were planning. And the thing you have to understand is, we knew that with the music scene being what it was, and digital music becoming more of a mainstream thing, it wasn’t like OLoPA was going to disappear. We all agreed that we definitely wanted to get back together and play again, just not right away.” Jensen looked down at his hands for a moment, then continued. “Chris had been getting offers to work with a few country rock bands, and he and Alona had decided to try to make a go of it shortly before I got shot. Mike and Tom opened a gastropub on Long Island, and wanted to actually manage it for a bit. I had my house to look forward to finishing, as well as a few side projects I’d been invited to do.”
“What kind of things did you have planned, to make the tour special?” Taylor asked, leaning back in her chair. “It must have been some pretty amazing stuff, considering how big your band was at the time.”
“Chris was working with Jeff on a series of small hometown shows we were going to do, after the main part of the tour was over. Mike was working with a few artists to put together some sort of retrospective poster collection for different tours we’d done over the years. Tom was working with a photographer friend on a coffee table book of photos from the last tour- The intention was to have it finished and printed in time for the hometown shows.”
“And what was your special project?”
“I was the one that came up with the set lists for every stop on the tour- The marketing department had given me reports of songs in each market that had gotten the most airplay or requests, so it was pretty easy to tailor the set list each night to the local favorites. I also made sure to include some b-sides, stuff we never really got a chance to play live before, and then we started including some of the newer stuff we wrote while on tour, with the members of Your Heart and I,” Jensen said, gesturing with his hands as he spoke.
“That’s… I’m not going to lie, that sounds really impressive. Combining that and the tour schedule you’d set for yourselves…” Taylor laughed. “When did you sleep?”
Jensen laughed with her. “We didn’t. Our motto in the months leading up to the tour was we could sleep when we were dead or done with the tour- We wanted to have this be the biggest, most memorable tour we’d ever done, and we didn’t want to have anything left in reserves when we were done with the tour- We booked the biggest venues we could in each city, and made sure to sprinkle in some smaller venues for our secret shows.” He shrugged. “It sounds absolutely insane when I say it out loud now, but at the time, we were having so much fun with it that we didn’t want to stop, we wanted to keep playing and keep that tour going as long as we could, because when it was done and over and we’d played the last hometown show, that was it- We were going our separate ways, and we didn’t know how long it would be before we got together to play again.”
“And then you were asked to do Opening Band- How did that fit into your plan for that last tour?”
“Oh, we jumped on that immediately- There was no doubt in our minds that it was something we wanted to do. We’d toyed with the idea of doing some sort of documentary during the tour, a behind-the-scenes look at what it took to put a tour like that together. When the label told us that the network wanted to do a show called Opening Band, it was almost like the sign we were looking for.”
“How was it, touring with Your Heart and I?” Taylor asked, looking through her notes. “I understand that you started working together on music almost immediately.”
“We sort of started out wanting to be the big brothers on the tour, you know? We wanted to do the same thing for them that Jeff did for us when we first got together- Show them the ropes, make sure that they come out of the tour relatively okay. By the time the tour reached Raleigh, though, we knew we didn’t have to necessarily watch out for them- They were smart kids, who knew what they wanted and weren’t going to do anything to jeopardize the chance they’d been given.”
“Alright- We’re almost out of time, but I do have one more question for you: Why the name change? You’ve been publicly known as Ross Ackles for almost fifteen years- Why change it now?” Taylor asked, smiling widely.
Jensen smiled. “Actually, Jensen has always been my first name. It was… I don’t know, some small childish desire of mine to keep something of myself to myself, once upon a time, so I made the decision to go by Ross when Northwestern Line started getting bigger. And when I had changed my mind and wanted to go by my real name, Ross is what everyone knew me as, so it just kind of stuck.”
“But why change it now, if that’s the case? The whole world knows you as Ross Ackles- Why the change to Jensen?”
Jensen smiled softly. “Billy Joel once said that musicians want to be the loud voice for so many quiet hearts- I’m finally ready to listen to my own.”
***
They’d spoken on the phone quite a bit since Jared had gone back home to Austin; it wasn’t quite the same, but Jared was happy to take what he could get, considering the circumstances. Jensen regaled him with horror stories about his physical therapist, and late at night, when they were both exhausted, Jensen quietly told him about the things he was discussing with his therapist, and the things he was discovering about himself.
Jared in turn told Jensen about the changes to Your Heart and I; shortly after they’d returned to Austin, Alona had been approached by one of the all-female bands she’d met during the finals in LA. She’d approached Chad, Alex and Jared with the offer, and asked them for their blessing to go try something new for a bit. They’d all encouraged her to take the chance, and reminded her that they’d always be there for her, no matter what. Autumn’s Roses was currently making a name for themselves on the festival circuit, and Jared smiled every time “As It Seems” came on the radio.
Jared dropped hints about wanting to come visit, see what progress Jensen had made on the house and maybe spend some time together, but Jensen always said that it wasn’t a good time, because of the pending trial or physical therapy or any number of reasons. Finally, Jared stopped asking for a bit, deciding that Jensen would let him know when he was ready.
Once the trial was over, Jared decided that enough was enough- It was time to find out if the connection they’d shared had ended with the tour, or if there could be more to their current status than late night phone sex. Packing a bag and buying a plane ticket before he could think twice about it, Jared called a cab and headed for the airport.
Arriving in Seattle, he rented a car and drove directly to Jensen’s house in Magnolia. Getting out of the car and stretching, he walked up to the front door and knocked, but there was no answer. Voices drifted on the wind from the backyard, and Jared made his way down the covered patio that wrapped the house to the back porch, excited to greet Jensen. He stopped short before turning the corner, however- Peeking around the corner, he saw him sitting on the back patio with a man he recognized as Gil Ofarim, laughing and drinking some of what he assumed was the homebrewed beer Jensen had been bragging about recently. He looked relaxed, happier than Jared had seen him in a long time, and Jared’s heart sank. Taking a step back before he was seen, he walked quickly back to his car and climbed in, heading back to the hotel where he’d reserved a room in case things didn’t turn out the way he hoped.
Sitting in his room at the hotel, however, he began to feel like an idiot- He should have called first, or at the very least mentioned to Jensen that he was coming to town in case he had other plans. He called Chad, wanting to get his advice about the situation.
“Jaybird. You know I love you, I do. But you’re a fucking idiot. I know I’m not supposed to know about all the shit that German asshole put him through, but I do. And I also know that he needed closure from that, and maybe this was the only way he could get it. You need closure too, Jay. Go back and talk to him, don’t just assume you missed your chance.”
“Thanks, Chad- That was… surprisingly supportive and helpful.”
Chad laughed. “Yeah, well. Don’t tell anyone- I have a reputation to maintain. Look, I gotta let you go- You gonna be okay?”
“Yeah, I think I am. Thanks, man.”
“Any time, brother.”
Hanging up with Chad, Jared decided there was only one thing to do- Go back and actually try to talk to Jensen this time, make his case and see where that took him. He couldn’t go empty-handed, though- After meandering through his favorite parts of downtown, Jared stopped at Beecher’s for some cheese, Le Panier for fresh crusty bread, and a small shop in the Market for a few bottles of his and Jensen’s favorite wines. Then, finally summoning the last of his courage, he headed back out to Magnolia District and Jensen’s house on the sound.
Jensen was barefoot and obviously fresh from the shower when he answered the door. His cheeks were flushed, and his hair was standing in adorable spikes on his head. A wide smile broke out when he saw that it was Jared on his doorstep, and he immediately invited Jared in. Jared surreptitiously looked around the ground floor for any signs of Gil while following Jensen into the kitchen, but he was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t as sneaky as he thought, though, since Jensen good-naturedly called him out on it when they settled in the sun room overlooking the Sound.
Jared felt his cheeks pink, and he ducked his head, reaching up to smooth his hair behind his ear before remembering that he’d cut it short a few days earlier. Jensen chuckled, and said he used to do the same thing for a few months after Northwestern Line, before finally getting used to it.
“So, I might have stopped by earlier, Jared confessed after a companionable silence had settled.
Jensen nodded. “You saw Gil, huh? What did you think?”
“I can definitely see the appeal, man. You guys getting the band back together?” Jared asked, going for smooth and failing miserably.
Jensen threw his head back and laughed, and Jared wasn’t quite sure what was so funny. “He heard what happened, and wanted to see how I was doing. Funny thing is, it took me getting shot for him to reach out.” Jensen paused for a moment, looking out at the peaceful waters below. “Man, there was a time when that would have been enough, you know? He and his wife split, he’s getting back into music, he and his brother are talking about putting together yet another band, and he wanted to know if I was interested in working with them on an album, just to see how it went.”
“You don’t sound excited about it, though. Why is that?”
Jensen stared at the water for another moment, and Jared wasn’t sure he heard him. Then he turned to Jared, a wry smile on his face. “It was everything I’d spent years wanting to hear, and it wasn’t enough anymore. I already have someone I want to write with, you know?”
“Well, I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but Chad’s already joined another band out in Wilmington. They’re calling themselves Unfinished Antibiotics, because of course they are.”
Jensen laughed softly at that. “Fucking Chad,” they both said at the same time, and suddenly Jared knew that everything was going to be okay.
“Listen, you got anywhere you gotta be tonight? Eddie’s coming by in a bit, and I’d love to have you stay and jam for a bit, if you’re feeling up to it,” Jensen said casually, and Jared nodded.
“I’d like that,” he said, smiling widely.
The jam session that night turned into a three week visit for Jared; he kept waiting for Jensen to get around to asking Jared when he was going to go home, but he never did. Sometime around the third or fourth night they give up all pretense of Jared staying in one of the guest rooms, and Jared realized sometime around the three week mark that they’d fallen into a routine of going for runs around the neighborhood in the mornings, wandering the city and taking drives through the area for inspiration in the afternoons, and then having bbqs and jamming with musician friends in the evenings. It was a pretty idyllic life, one he was loath to leave.
Duties called in Austin, however; he was in the beginning negotiations of signing onto their old label as a solo artist, and still had an album to record. Ruth’s calls were getting more frequent, but it was harder each day to find a reason to leave.
Laying in bed one night, he mentioned to Jensen that he might need to go home for a bit, to sort out the paperwork for getting signed. “It’s not that I want to leave, but I left all of my instruments back home. Plus, the studio I’ve been booking time in is there.”
“Jay, you do remember that I have a recording studio here, right? What does the studio in Austin have that I don’t?” Jensen asked, propping himself up on an elbow and staring at Jared intensely.
“I didn’t want to assume that you’d be okay with me using it, man. Plus, I still have all the paperwork the label sent to my house that I need to sign.” Jared said, staring at the ceiling above them.
“So, you haven’t signed anything yet? Nothing’s official?” Jensen asked, poking Jared in the shoulder until he turned to face him.
“No, not yet. I’m still a free agent, I guess you could say. Why, do you want to do something together?” Jared asked jokingly, but the expression on Jensen’s face was serious.
“Jay, what do you think all these jam sessions have been? How many songs have you written since you’ve been here? Wait, don’t tell me- I’ll be irrationally jealous and have to get up to write tonight, and I’m too comfortable for that bullshit.” Jensen paused, considering. “I think we should at least try it, see how it goes. We’ve been writing together for a few years now, when you think about it. And worst case scenario, the critics and fans write it off as a vanity project, and it becomes something to laugh about later.”
“I’ve been here for three weeks already, Jen. I have to go home eventually- I can’t stay here and couch-surf forever.” Jared said, sitting up and staring at Jensen.
Jensen sat up as well and took Jared’s face in his hands, pulling him close to kiss him deeply before waving his fingers in front of Jared’s face, a gesture that reminded Jared of a drunk magician. “You are home.”
***
In September, Jensen and Jared’s band Beyond the Sound was about to take the stage at Bumbershoot for their first festival performance- Jared had flown in the available members from both previous bands for the show, much to Jensen’s surprise and delight. Huddling backstage, the pre-show ritual was a hilarious blend of shots and fake warnings for things not to do this time, Jared’s heart was full. Standing in a circle, bending over with their arms around each other's shoulders, Jared looked around the circle and only saw joy and excitement- It had been a long time since they’d all played together, but Jared was sure the crowd was in for one hell of a show.
Right as they were walking onto the stage to greet the crowd that had gathered, Jensen surprised Jared by pulling him aside before they walked on fully, grabbing him by the jaw and kissing him in full view of the crowd. There were cheers, and Jensen’s face was flushed with excitement. “Here’s to new beginnings, Jay.” With that, he walked out on stage to join Chris at the front microphones, and Jared walked to his piano on the left of the stage, a microphone set up to sit on top of the piano. He looked out over the crowd, and was happy to see nothing but smiling faces and excited jumping as Chris and Jensen began to speak. When the drums and guitars started to ring through the park, Jared’s voice joined Jensen’s and they sang the first lines of their new song together.
“New beginnings indeed,” Jared thought, and sang with his whole heart. “I want to be the memory of melody in your fingertips long after the strings have stopped humming...”
