this is a sad, miserable tangent about losing roy. please don't read it if you're going to post nasty things to me. i don't want to hear it.
you know...for as happy as i was earlier, right now i sure feel like the world has come crashing down..the reality of things hit me earlier..while i was riding in the truck with mum [the car is officially dead]. we were talking about roy..
he has to drive 6 hours to see me...and that's when he lives at home. when he goes away to the bp it's going to be more like..10 hours...jesus christ...
my god...
how is this going to work? i can deal with seeing him one weekend a month...it's going to be hard but i can do it...but...how long is that going to last when he has to drive so far? ...i want to cry. or die. i'm not sure which one yet.
i have to walk to school tomorrow or get a ride with kyle. that isn't helping considering if i ride with kyle he's going to be late and i'm going to get another detention. fuck me. and if i walk it's going to be hot and humid outside and i'm going to feel gross and oily the entire day.
my throat hurts.
kaeti makes me sad.
i'm going to lose roy because of this distance thing. i haven't spoken to him since 3:30 yesterday and i feel like i'm going to wither away into nothingness. i can't live without him. i need him. this hurts. it hurts and he can do nothing to ease my pain. i haven't felt this much anguish in so long...i want us to be happy and together and laughing and smiling...but i can't have that. i could deal when he was at a&m..he wasn't SO far away..and i could deal if he was going back after the summer...it's not that big of a deal..but he's going to be moving even FARTHER away from me. WHY goddamn you! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS?! i want to scream out "no, don't do this! don't do this because i know it's going to be the end of us! don't do this because you mean the world to me and if you go away, if you become a bp, i'll never see you again! you don't want this! i don't want this! i'll miss you too much! we'll grow apart!" i don't..i don't..because i can't. it's what he wants to do. i'm not going to stifle his life because of the month and a half he's been with me. it's nothing in the grand scheme of things..what if i'm not forever? he'd of given up this all for nothing...why is life so difficult? why has fate done this to me??? i've finally found someone that i can see myself spending the rest of my life with...again...again...someone that made me forget about brian, the only other person i could see myself with, and fate is going to rip HIM out of my arms TOO!!!!! no, please, don't do this to me again! i can't take that..i can't! don't take away someone i love so much. don't..please..but my pleading will make no difference...
nothing will make any such difference...i don't know what to do..i don't know how to help the situation. i can do nothing until i'm out of highschool. i'm in near hystarics. i can't give him up!!! I WON'T DO IT. i need him like i need the night. like i need the air i breathe. like i need poetry and books and things to calm me. i need him like i need the smell of roses and my music blaring loud.
if i lose him..
i will never love with my whole heart again.
just thinking about the consequences..it tears me apart.
i can't take this. i can't take sitting here on the computer. i have to go away..i can't..
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x.x
he has to drive 6 hours to see me...and that's when he lives at home. when he goes away to the bp it's going to be more like..10 hours...jesus christ...
my god...
how is this going to work? i can deal with seeing him one weekend a month...it's going to be hard but i can do it...but...how long is that going to last when he has to drive so far? ...i want to cry. or die. i'm not sure which one yet.
i have to walk to school tomorrow or get a ride with kyle. that isn't helping considering if i ride with kyle he's going to be late and i'm going to get another detention. fuck me. and if i walk it's going to be hot and humid outside and i'm going to feel gross and oily the entire day.
my throat hurts.
kaeti makes me sad.
i'm going to lose roy because of this distance thing. i haven't spoken to him since 3:30 yesterday and i feel like i'm going to wither away into nothingness. i can't live without him. i need him. this hurts. it hurts and he can do nothing to ease my pain. i haven't felt this much anguish in so long...i want us to be happy and together and laughing and smiling...but i can't have that. i could deal when he was at a&m..he wasn't SO far away..and i could deal if he was going back after the summer...it's not that big of a deal..but he's going to be moving even FARTHER away from me. WHY goddamn you! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS?! i want to scream out "no, don't do this! don't do this because i know it's going to be the end of us! don't do this because you mean the world to me and if you go away, if you become a bp, i'll never see you again! you don't want this! i don't want this! i'll miss you too much! we'll grow apart!" i don't..i don't..because i can't. it's what he wants to do. i'm not going to stifle his life because of the month and a half he's been with me. it's nothing in the grand scheme of things..what if i'm not forever? he'd of given up this all for nothing...why is life so difficult? why has fate done this to me??? i've finally found someone that i can see myself spending the rest of my life with...again...again...someone that made me forget about brian, the only other person i could see myself with, and fate is going to rip HIM out of my arms TOO!!!!! no, please, don't do this to me again! i can't take that..i can't! don't take away someone i love so much. don't..please..but my pleading will make no difference...
nothing will make any such difference...i don't know what to do..i don't know how to help the situation. i can do nothing until i'm out of highschool. i'm in near hystarics. i can't give him up!!! I WON'T DO IT. i need him like i need the night. like i need the air i breathe. like i need poetry and books and things to calm me. i need him like i need the smell of roses and my music blaring loud.
if i lose him..
i will never love with my whole heart again.
just thinking about the consequences..it tears me apart.
i can't take this. i can't take sitting here on the computer. i have to go away..i can't..
--
x.x