Yay journaling.
It's 9pm on a Saturday night! I'm here with the dog. I've got a lot on my mind. Although sitting down with a real paper journal and real pen is much more appealing and romantic, I like the fact that it is much less likely future offspring will come across these LJ posts and be traumatized by their mother's nutcase ramblings. Case in point: I don't even have children and I fear for their sanity already. Neurotic? Perhaps.
I just spent the last hour reading about two interesting things: INFJs and something called "Compassion Fatigue," a.k.a., "Secondary Traumatic Stress." I believe these are involved somehow in my inability to manage my stress at work.
First, I think I should mention how depressing it is to me that I am only 2 1/2 years into my chosen profession and I am already feeling traumatized! Most other nurses I speak with say it took them decades. Either the nursing profession has changed dramatically or I am sensitive or both. After googling for over an hour I think I have managed to self-diagnose. I am an INFJ in a field of work setting me up to feel the way I feel. Where do I begin?
I've been feeling pretty terrible lately. I work the night shift as a "float RN" with no regular schedule or unit. I often show up to work and am greeted by chaos and an overwhelming sense of fear and hopelessness. Within 30 minutes, I have decided the tasks I am being asked to accomplish are Herculean and I spend the entire shift running, running, running... I am so busy I can't pee or sit down, and my patients suffer for it, too. I have become an anxious wreck, fearful that I am missing something important and that my patients aren't safe. All the anxiety and stress leaves me feeling emotionally exhausted and physically sick. My stomach hurts when I'm at work. I'm so agitated and traumatized after work that I can't sleep. I toss and turn all day long (remember I have to sleep during the day YUCK!!) and so after several hours of crappy sleep I'm lucky to have rested 6 hours before I am back at it with the stress and the running and the full bladder.
I know that I am responsible for changing my situation, and so after one particularly horrible night, I cried and begged my manager to put me on day shift. I start Monday! This was a huge step.
But I also really want to better understand my burn out. Maybe if I have a better grasp on WHY I'll be able to find a better position at another hospital. I wondered about "me," who I am essentially. What immediately came to mind were my report cards from elementary school. My teachers unanimously would settle on specific characteristics of mine from year to year in their comments, and based on these characteristics, I was encouraged to participate in particular activities or groups. Now, 25 years later, I am seeing just how these characteristics of mine are a) pretty much the same and b) responsible for my perceived failures and successes in life as an adult.
It's a no-brainer here, elementary school and work are more different than they are alike, at least where I work. There are some similarities, sure, but overall, the big differences are pretty substantial.
One of the biggest disappointments I have with work, for example, is the lack of consistent feedback. I get an evaluation once a year by someone who never sees me in action. Things like raises and penalties are based on this, so it seems pretty ridiculous that something so crucial should be done so infrequently and by someone who is never around to see you working. At least my 4th grade teacher had a leg to stand on when she wrote to my parents about my work habits and performance! Anyways, I think as a person who values feedback like this, I am dissatisfied with the arbitrary way in which my performance is evaluated.
I am, and have always been, a feeling person. I am capable of being so empathetic at times that I have to stop myself to keep from completely unraveling and losing my composure. This is both my greatest strength and weakness as a nurse. I have a hard time "just doing my job" and avoiding getting invested in the outcomes of the people I take care of. I think prior to all of this no-sleep-night-shift-crazy-expectations-gig, I was at least replenishing my giving well. After a year of near constant stress and no sleep, the well ran dry and I was beginning to feel incapable of performing my job to the standard I have set for myself. I have no energy left over from work for myself or my husband, which has turned into this really ugly downward spiral. I recognize this is happening, too, but feel powerless to stop it because, "what choice do I have?"
I still have to go to work unless I want to just quit, which I don't because I'm not sure I can handle the stress of a job search now. I get yelled at at work or have a difficult demented patient, and suddenly I feel like it is MY FAULT that I couldn't gain control over the situation and make things better. I go home after a bad night and relive moment-for-moment the STAT calls and verbal abuse I took from someone. I rehash the fruitless conversations I have with management about my concerns and feel like I am just being placated with a "we're working on it" and "thank you for sharing your concerns." I looked it up: this is part of compassion fatigue or secondary traumatic stress. I am reliving the stressful events of my job, allowing them to take hold and erode my confidence and happiness. Not good at all!
So what's the next step?
I'm totally an INFJ. I decided to look there as a beginning step for figuring out what will work best for my personality type. Basically, I have taken away two things: I need to invest in time for myself to vent and decompress and I also need to find healthy ways to invest less in my job.
Lists!
Ways to Decompress/vent:
-Visit my girlfriends
-Take a walk
-Take a bath
-Read a book
-Get a massage
-Write in a journal
-Talk to a professional
Ways to invest less in my job (this one is harder...)
-Take a step back and remember what is most important (keep people safe)
-Remember that even mean people get sick and there is no changing them or their behavior
-Try to see yourself as a little piece in a big machine (thanks, Ananda!!)
-Take joy in the little things like a medication that works or catching an error
-Hug a coworker
-Get some rest and leave work at work (uhg that's a HARD one!)
-Remember that being a nurse is a really small part of who I am as a whole
I think I'l try these next week and I'll get back...
I just spent the last hour reading about two interesting things: INFJs and something called "Compassion Fatigue," a.k.a., "Secondary Traumatic Stress." I believe these are involved somehow in my inability to manage my stress at work.
First, I think I should mention how depressing it is to me that I am only 2 1/2 years into my chosen profession and I am already feeling traumatized! Most other nurses I speak with say it took them decades. Either the nursing profession has changed dramatically or I am sensitive or both. After googling for over an hour I think I have managed to self-diagnose. I am an INFJ in a field of work setting me up to feel the way I feel. Where do I begin?
I've been feeling pretty terrible lately. I work the night shift as a "float RN" with no regular schedule or unit. I often show up to work and am greeted by chaos and an overwhelming sense of fear and hopelessness. Within 30 minutes, I have decided the tasks I am being asked to accomplish are Herculean and I spend the entire shift running, running, running... I am so busy I can't pee or sit down, and my patients suffer for it, too. I have become an anxious wreck, fearful that I am missing something important and that my patients aren't safe. All the anxiety and stress leaves me feeling emotionally exhausted and physically sick. My stomach hurts when I'm at work. I'm so agitated and traumatized after work that I can't sleep. I toss and turn all day long (remember I have to sleep during the day YUCK!!) and so after several hours of crappy sleep I'm lucky to have rested 6 hours before I am back at it with the stress and the running and the full bladder.
I know that I am responsible for changing my situation, and so after one particularly horrible night, I cried and begged my manager to put me on day shift. I start Monday! This was a huge step.
But I also really want to better understand my burn out. Maybe if I have a better grasp on WHY I'll be able to find a better position at another hospital. I wondered about "me," who I am essentially. What immediately came to mind were my report cards from elementary school. My teachers unanimously would settle on specific characteristics of mine from year to year in their comments, and based on these characteristics, I was encouraged to participate in particular activities or groups. Now, 25 years later, I am seeing just how these characteristics of mine are a) pretty much the same and b) responsible for my perceived failures and successes in life as an adult.
It's a no-brainer here, elementary school and work are more different than they are alike, at least where I work. There are some similarities, sure, but overall, the big differences are pretty substantial.
One of the biggest disappointments I have with work, for example, is the lack of consistent feedback. I get an evaluation once a year by someone who never sees me in action. Things like raises and penalties are based on this, so it seems pretty ridiculous that something so crucial should be done so infrequently and by someone who is never around to see you working. At least my 4th grade teacher had a leg to stand on when she wrote to my parents about my work habits and performance! Anyways, I think as a person who values feedback like this, I am dissatisfied with the arbitrary way in which my performance is evaluated.
I am, and have always been, a feeling person. I am capable of being so empathetic at times that I have to stop myself to keep from completely unraveling and losing my composure. This is both my greatest strength and weakness as a nurse. I have a hard time "just doing my job" and avoiding getting invested in the outcomes of the people I take care of. I think prior to all of this no-sleep-night-shift-crazy-expectations-gig, I was at least replenishing my giving well. After a year of near constant stress and no sleep, the well ran dry and I was beginning to feel incapable of performing my job to the standard I have set for myself. I have no energy left over from work for myself or my husband, which has turned into this really ugly downward spiral. I recognize this is happening, too, but feel powerless to stop it because, "what choice do I have?"
I still have to go to work unless I want to just quit, which I don't because I'm not sure I can handle the stress of a job search now. I get yelled at at work or have a difficult demented patient, and suddenly I feel like it is MY FAULT that I couldn't gain control over the situation and make things better. I go home after a bad night and relive moment-for-moment the STAT calls and verbal abuse I took from someone. I rehash the fruitless conversations I have with management about my concerns and feel like I am just being placated with a "we're working on it" and "thank you for sharing your concerns." I looked it up: this is part of compassion fatigue or secondary traumatic stress. I am reliving the stressful events of my job, allowing them to take hold and erode my confidence and happiness. Not good at all!
So what's the next step?
I'm totally an INFJ. I decided to look there as a beginning step for figuring out what will work best for my personality type. Basically, I have taken away two things: I need to invest in time for myself to vent and decompress and I also need to find healthy ways to invest less in my job.
Lists!
Ways to Decompress/vent:
-Visit my girlfriends
-Take a walk
-Take a bath
-Read a book
-Get a massage
-Write in a journal
-Talk to a professional
Ways to invest less in my job (this one is harder...)
-Take a step back and remember what is most important (keep people safe)
-Remember that even mean people get sick and there is no changing them or their behavior
-Try to see yourself as a little piece in a big machine (thanks, Ananda!!)
-Take joy in the little things like a medication that works or catching an error
-Hug a coworker
-Get some rest and leave work at work (uhg that's a HARD one!)
-Remember that being a nurse is a really small part of who I am as a whole
I think I'l try these next week and I'll get back...