What can you do?
so I'm going to line everything up that's been shitty for me so far, as it's really starting to build up and I need to outlet.
I've been waging a war in my lungs for over a month now, and neither side is winning. I take that back, as it is far from the truth. I'm losing. Losing to the point where I can't breath through my nose because the mucus has swollen most of the airways starting in my lungs and just continued to pile up and and build right up to my nose, and my lungs aren't filling with enough air to make me feel alert. I'm losing because I can't keep myself focused in a healthy direction. If I were to accept that I can't do this all myself then I would probably be able to just give this whole thing a shove with the right kinds of lifestyle modifications. As that goes, it isn't happening, not yet. I know what to do, when I'm listening to my body, but a lot of the time I just can't lift myself from the muck of whatever is involving my interest at the time, ie facebook or a show.
I can attribute a lot of this to just being lonely. I've many friends and best friends, I've got brothers, I've got sisters, but I can't let the unhappiness of my loneliness show, I say one wrong thing and I ruin a friendship, some that I thought were more durable. It's the unhappiness that really drives me to just sit and veg on whatever's in front of me. I can't escape it, not yet, not until I can find the time and the energy to commit to an unconscious mind meditation. It'd be nice if there were some up here that I could fully vent at, but I hold too many secrets for me to ask that of them or allow it to happen. So the strength has to come from me, my issue being that with being sick these last weeks, that strength usually gets used to just act normally. Keep up a normal appearance, walk at a normal pace, keep from collapsing just anywhere and holding back my pain and frustrations that I feel roiling beneath the layers that I hold it back with. I like being the fun guy, I like bringing laughter to people, but I can't help but feel fake when I have to make those actions a facade just to shield the people that I care for from how I'm really feeling. I can't help but hide some things, I've been told secrets, and I have my own, but it just sucks when my own feelings and emotions become involved with that practice. I won't belabor this point anymore, but I need it clear that I really hate it, and I hope you still know that I won't use that word in serious connotation unless I mean it.
I really miss being home, I want to see the people there, I want to do the things that make me happy. Trouble being that when I'm up here, I can't invest my time into those things as I'm in an academic place, and there are few people that I've found that are students of the same studies as I. I want to rid myself of this stagnation in my life, this "academia" that I can't focus into my life's direction. I want to learn and never stop learning, but I've got such a strange background and I tie thoughts together that most would consider absurd, that I don't like learning the things that I am here. With energy work, there's such an exertion and satisfaction that comes from it that I can't help but feel the lack when I learn about the behavior of dogs and the evolution of man. I would love it if I could find a balance between the amazing highs of discovering the energy universe, and the drudgery of discovering man's past and his current state of knowledge (woop-de-friggin-doo).
Some issues with my brother life, which most of you won't have the background to fully comprehend, but it's yet another thorn buried in my mind. ---I really can't handle the kinds of gossip and nay-saying that goes on. It happens with both organizations and a few people are made hypocrites by it. Brother bashing, and Sister bashing is the most absurd thing ever. Each and every person that gets involved in it has personal issues against individuals in the group and somehow decide that the entire organization is at fault and made worse by them. It's been a slow train rolling, but the realization came to me, finally. PEOPLE ARE PERSONS, AND THEN THEY ARE BROTHERS OR SISTERS. Some people are assholes, and some of those people are in the organizations. It's a statistical fact that it was going to happen. What I really don't like hearing is judgment being cast on people for their choices in life, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU to judge what a person does with their life. Until that person is considering you in their decisions, or you've a stake in that person's life, extricate yourself from it, it's none of your business. I will be incredibly relieved when this year is over as far as my brothers and sisters are concerned, there are some leaving that have only damaged the relations between the groups. But what really hurts is that these people are given power by the very letters they wear. Someone sees someone that hooked up at a party during the weekend, and they are known faces in the organization and the appearance of the organization is lowered in the viewers eyes. Someone says or does something either when intoxicated or in ignorance/stupidity and that person can be vilified, especially if the person committing the taken offense remains unawares to that it was ever an offense. In these situations it's only a matter of time before the person who did the w/er and the person that was offended by it to resolve the problem. After the incident is relegated to history, it's incredibly hard for the person offended to make any headway in clarifying their position with the offender, usually the offender just gets offended and both become unhappy and the tension just mounts. If you are unsure of a fact, ask the person in question, DO NOT talk about it in conjecture or it becomes gossip and gossip kills.
Girls... if only I weren't so good at bachelorism. There's been some sometime hopefuls, but I've never found that I could make that expand from anything more fleeting. I've met some that I wouldn't care if it were a distance relationship, it'd work because we were kindred enough. I just wish that I could meet someone that met my standards... because I'm dreadfully picky, which blows because there are some nice people out there, but they lack something or another that I'll deem required. It would help if I met interesting single girls, instead of interesting girls that already have someone.
I really wish I weren't sick right now, or ever again (HAH), but this seems to happen every year, I started counting senior year of high school, but I seem to remember earlier episodes. I just hate feeling this exhausted, this congested, this deaf. I can't hear well through my ears, I can't breath well through my nose or my mouth, and I ride myself to exhaustion by sheer will just to have a normal day. I legitimatly develop a fever almost every night, my body just starts un-functioning. Only my stubborn decision to remain upright and not break down or show weakness or cry keeps me from doing those things. Maybe if I didn't view drugs like most holistics do, with distrust. Then maybe my face wouldn't feel lopsidedly bloated and my neck wouldn't feel like a hollow cavern of rock and ice. Which it sounds like whenever I talk or laugh or cough. My voice went Saturday, as I sat out in the 15 degree weather for 8 hours. I wasn't smart about it either, I was yelling with the crowd, but I didn't do much, I just wouldn't let it alone afterwards. The brothers from Iota Phi had come up and I just continued over using my voice, ignoring that the usual order that is signature to my chakras was degrading and falling apart.
I suppose that this may start to settle if I can implement some tenets to my days.
I hope you're well
~Michael Eugene Knee
I've been waging a war in my lungs for over a month now, and neither side is winning. I take that back, as it is far from the truth. I'm losing. Losing to the point where I can't breath through my nose because the mucus has swollen most of the airways starting in my lungs and just continued to pile up and and build right up to my nose, and my lungs aren't filling with enough air to make me feel alert. I'm losing because I can't keep myself focused in a healthy direction. If I were to accept that I can't do this all myself then I would probably be able to just give this whole thing a shove with the right kinds of lifestyle modifications. As that goes, it isn't happening, not yet. I know what to do, when I'm listening to my body, but a lot of the time I just can't lift myself from the muck of whatever is involving my interest at the time, ie facebook or a show.
I can attribute a lot of this to just being lonely. I've many friends and best friends, I've got brothers, I've got sisters, but I can't let the unhappiness of my loneliness show, I say one wrong thing and I ruin a friendship, some that I thought were more durable. It's the unhappiness that really drives me to just sit and veg on whatever's in front of me. I can't escape it, not yet, not until I can find the time and the energy to commit to an unconscious mind meditation. It'd be nice if there were some up here that I could fully vent at, but I hold too many secrets for me to ask that of them or allow it to happen. So the strength has to come from me, my issue being that with being sick these last weeks, that strength usually gets used to just act normally. Keep up a normal appearance, walk at a normal pace, keep from collapsing just anywhere and holding back my pain and frustrations that I feel roiling beneath the layers that I hold it back with. I like being the fun guy, I like bringing laughter to people, but I can't help but feel fake when I have to make those actions a facade just to shield the people that I care for from how I'm really feeling. I can't help but hide some things, I've been told secrets, and I have my own, but it just sucks when my own feelings and emotions become involved with that practice. I won't belabor this point anymore, but I need it clear that I really hate it, and I hope you still know that I won't use that word in serious connotation unless I mean it.
I really miss being home, I want to see the people there, I want to do the things that make me happy. Trouble being that when I'm up here, I can't invest my time into those things as I'm in an academic place, and there are few people that I've found that are students of the same studies as I. I want to rid myself of this stagnation in my life, this "academia" that I can't focus into my life's direction. I want to learn and never stop learning, but I've got such a strange background and I tie thoughts together that most would consider absurd, that I don't like learning the things that I am here. With energy work, there's such an exertion and satisfaction that comes from it that I can't help but feel the lack when I learn about the behavior of dogs and the evolution of man. I would love it if I could find a balance between the amazing highs of discovering the energy universe, and the drudgery of discovering man's past and his current state of knowledge (woop-de-friggin-doo).
Some issues with my brother life, which most of you won't have the background to fully comprehend, but it's yet another thorn buried in my mind. ---I really can't handle the kinds of gossip and nay-saying that goes on. It happens with both organizations and a few people are made hypocrites by it. Brother bashing, and Sister bashing is the most absurd thing ever. Each and every person that gets involved in it has personal issues against individuals in the group and somehow decide that the entire organization is at fault and made worse by them. It's been a slow train rolling, but the realization came to me, finally. PEOPLE ARE PERSONS, AND THEN THEY ARE BROTHERS OR SISTERS. Some people are assholes, and some of those people are in the organizations. It's a statistical fact that it was going to happen. What I really don't like hearing is judgment being cast on people for their choices in life, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU to judge what a person does with their life. Until that person is considering you in their decisions, or you've a stake in that person's life, extricate yourself from it, it's none of your business. I will be incredibly relieved when this year is over as far as my brothers and sisters are concerned, there are some leaving that have only damaged the relations between the groups. But what really hurts is that these people are given power by the very letters they wear. Someone sees someone that hooked up at a party during the weekend, and they are known faces in the organization and the appearance of the organization is lowered in the viewers eyes. Someone says or does something either when intoxicated or in ignorance/stupidity and that person can be vilified, especially if the person committing the taken offense remains unawares to that it was ever an offense. In these situations it's only a matter of time before the person who did the w/er and the person that was offended by it to resolve the problem. After the incident is relegated to history, it's incredibly hard for the person offended to make any headway in clarifying their position with the offender, usually the offender just gets offended and both become unhappy and the tension just mounts. If you are unsure of a fact, ask the person in question, DO NOT talk about it in conjecture or it becomes gossip and gossip kills.
Girls... if only I weren't so good at bachelorism. There's been some sometime hopefuls, but I've never found that I could make that expand from anything more fleeting. I've met some that I wouldn't care if it were a distance relationship, it'd work because we were kindred enough. I just wish that I could meet someone that met my standards... because I'm dreadfully picky, which blows because there are some nice people out there, but they lack something or another that I'll deem required. It would help if I met interesting single girls, instead of interesting girls that already have someone.
I really wish I weren't sick right now, or ever again (HAH), but this seems to happen every year, I started counting senior year of high school, but I seem to remember earlier episodes. I just hate feeling this exhausted, this congested, this deaf. I can't hear well through my ears, I can't breath well through my nose or my mouth, and I ride myself to exhaustion by sheer will just to have a normal day. I legitimatly develop a fever almost every night, my body just starts un-functioning. Only my stubborn decision to remain upright and not break down or show weakness or cry keeps me from doing those things. Maybe if I didn't view drugs like most holistics do, with distrust. Then maybe my face wouldn't feel lopsidedly bloated and my neck wouldn't feel like a hollow cavern of rock and ice. Which it sounds like whenever I talk or laugh or cough. My voice went Saturday, as I sat out in the 15 degree weather for 8 hours. I wasn't smart about it either, I was yelling with the crowd, but I didn't do much, I just wouldn't let it alone afterwards. The brothers from Iota Phi had come up and I just continued over using my voice, ignoring that the usual order that is signature to my chakras was degrading and falling apart.
I suppose that this may start to settle if I can implement some tenets to my days.
I hope you're well
~Michael Eugene Knee