Kanjani8 - A Little Comfort - Yoko/Maru, Subaru/Yasu
Title: A Little Comfort
Fandom: Kanjani8
Rating: R
Pairing: Yoko/Maru, Subaru/Yasu
Disclaimer: This is a fictional situation that never happened.
Notes: This is the longest fic I've ever written. XD Thank you Gen and Ilana for the hand holding. ♥
Whatever it is between Maru and Subaru ends just before whatever it is between Subaru and Yasu begins. They're like two dots on a timeline - self contained, they don't overlap. Maru's first instinct is to feel happy for both of them. They're so happy around each other that it's infectious. But then it's the end of the day or the end of the week and he starts to feel empty, in a vague sense. Just the feeling that something used to be there, and now it isn't.
It isn't a sad feeling. Just a presence. Somewhere in his stomach or his throat, something inside that festers there and doesn't see any means for release. He wonders if his dot couldn't be wiped off of the timeline with little consequence because he and Subaru weren't a pair. They wouldn't have their names written together on the backs of envelopes or seem incomplete when only one was in the room without the other. They were comfortable and quiet. Easy and warm. Then they were nothing for one moment and then they were friends again.
It rolls through Maru's mind more often than he'd like. First thing in the morning when the bed feels cold and then at odd times of the day. When he looks for his wallet, when he drives his car. When he can't find the right song on any of his CD's and he knows it's on one of them.
Yoko shows up on a Thursday night with a six pack of beer and a movie. What he doesn't know is that Maru is already drunk, but that's plain enough to see even from across the doorway. Yoko says he'll drink what he brought, just to catch up and they sit on opposite ends of the couch.
It doesn't matter what movie Yoko brought because, five minutes in, they're talking too loudly to hear anything on the screen. Yoko tells every story of every embarrassing thing that's ever happened to Maru. Some of them aren't even true. Yoko opens the tab on the fifth beer somewhere in the middle of, "Remember that time you fell off the stage?"
"I never fell off the stage!" Maru says, laughing hard. "...But I should."
He thinks about it for a moment. It would probably involve some degree of pain, but wouldn't it be worth it to see him dive off of the stage like a stray comet - all covered in glitter and sequins. Or they could plan it ahead of time and have something for him to land on. He's working out the logistics in his mind while Yoko has already moved on to that time Maru may or may not have gotten stuck in a tree.
Maru doesn't count, but he thinks he's had twice as much as Yoko. It seems like they're always opening them at the same time or at even intervals, and Yoko still has one can with five empty plastic loops hanging off of it. Yoko keeps talking, and Maru can't stop watching his lips. Then he's thinking about Subaru's lips, by accident. Then Subaru's hair and fingernails, too. Drunk and horny is an enabling combination, and Maru shifts around uncomfortably.
"What?" Yoko asks.
"Go on, go on," Maru says, waving a hand in front of him. Then Yoko is on about whatever he's on about again.
Yoko keeps talking about something and then it seems to be something more serious, as the tones of his voice get lower.
"I need another beer," Yoko says.
Maru looks ruefully at the refrigerator. "We're out," he says.
"Ah, well."
The DVD ended a long time ago and the title track plays over and over on an endless loop. Yoko hums along with it for a minute, then starts to laugh.
"Can I stay?" Yoko asks.
"Yeah, sure," Maru says. Yoko can sleep on the couch. Maru always keeps extra blankets around for occasions like this.
Yoko looks drunk. It's funny, his eyes are red and he's slumped so deep into the cushions of the couch that he's starting to blend into them. Maru only knows that he's been looking too long when Yoko slurrs, "What?"
Maru grins. They both know why Yoko came over and they both know why he brought alcohol with him. Even if Maru didn't end up drinking any of it, it wasn't the point. Yoko starts grinning, too, and they just stay that way for a moment. Maru thinks about thanking him, but picturing himself slurring out a drunk thank you seems insincere in a way.
"One blanket or two?" Maru asks. He looks at Yoko's lips again, not meaning to, then looks back to his eyes.
"Whatever," Yoko says. They'll end up in a ball on the floor in the morning anyway. Maru gets a blanket out of the closet and tosses it on Yoko, then says a quick good night and goes to his bedroom.
The apartment feels warmer with someone else in it, even if he's in the next room. Maru thinks about Subaru again, with his hands in the folds of his blanket. It isn't that he's not happy for Subaru, and it isn't that he feels sad for himself. He doesn't really know what it is.
In the morning, the smell of breakfast hangs in the air and the apartment feels colder. That's how Maru knows Yoko is gone.
---
Yoko comes over again the next night, this time with two movies. They end up watching half of one. Maru doesn't know how Yoko doesn't ever seem to run out of stories to tell, but he likes to listen to Yoko tell them. Even if he's heard them before or if they turn into a circle and start at the beginning again. He's never really spent much time with Yoko alone, and Yoko is a bit different than he imagined. He's relaxed and it shows through his entire posture.
Maru knows that Yoko gets shy around people sometimes. Not the way Subaru does, but sometimes Yoko overcompensates in a nervous way. Maru smiles at Yoko from the other end of the couch, happy because he feels like he's seeing a side of Yoko he's never seen before.
Yoko stops mid-sentence.
"You're weird, you know that?"
"Yeah, I know," Maru says. "So what happened next?"
---
Subaru sends a text message early in the afternoon."I left a CD at your place, can I come by and get it?"
Subaru doesn't send those often, and Maru thinks it's like setting a tone for the conversation to come. No vocal inflections, just words. Then Maru realizes he's overthinking it and sends a quick "sure" back. It isn't even really true. Subaru has left more than one CD, many over the years, and Maru wouldn't even begin to know which one he's talking about. Some of them have been there so long that Maru started to think they were his. Subaru has a few of his, too.
Yoko's empty beer cans still sit on the coffee table from the night before and, rather than having Subaru think he's drinking himself stupid, Maru cleans them up and puts the bag somewhere behind the trash bin. Then he puts the stray dishes into the sink and fills it up with water. Then takes the blanket and pillow from the couch and tosses them onto his bed. Then before he can actually start rearranging the furniture, there is a knock at the door.
"Hey," Subaru says.
"Come in," Maru says, forcing a smile that he hopes is convincing enough.
He finds the CD Subaru wants, but the wrong one is inside of the case. Maru has to search back six CD's before he finds the right one, and Subaru stays standing the whole time. He puts the right CD into the right case and gets up from where he's hunched over the CD tower. "Sorry," he says, sheepishly.
Subaru is wearing a shirt and jeans that are both a couple sizes too big for him. He looks like he's shrinking inside of them. He has a bag over his shoulder, and he hasn't taken it off so it doesn't seem like he plans to stay very long. Maru hands him the case and Subaru puts it in his bag.
"Oh," Subaru mutters, digging around in the bag for a moment. "I brought one for you to borrow. They're pretty new. Thought you might like them."
Maru takes the CD from him and the cover is nothing but colors and shapes. The band's name is in English, and he sounds the name out in his head. He opens it up and starts flipping through the booklet. "Thanks," Maru says.
"Yeah, sure. " Subaru zips up his bag and pulls it up on his shoulder. "I should go."
Maru is stiff all over, but he tries to relax. The air just feels so thick between them and Maru doesn't know what else to say.
"Well, see you later," he says, and the words echo in the quiet room.
Maru puts on the CD a few minutes after Subaru leaves. The music is hard and heavy and Maru turns it up as loud as he can get away with. He feels it in his arms and his fingers and in his chest, where it starts to loosen the knot there. He lies back on the couch and closes his eyes and lets the music wash over him.
Then Yoko sends a text that says, "I'll bring dinner."
---
It starts to become routine, even though it's only been about a week. Maru comes home from work and a few hours later, Yoko is there, with movies or food or drinks. He has a space on the couch and he always throws his jacket onto the back of a chair. It's comfortable, and Yoko doesn't seem to run out of things to talk about. Maru thinks it's funny that they've known each other all these years, but he only feels now like he's really getting to know Yoko.
Yoko seems to think of life in snapshots, memories condensed together, and it seems like he wants to share them so that they'll keep living. Even memories where Maru was there, or ones where no one but Yoko could ever have known about them. But at a certain point he starts asking Maru more about himself. Maru is content to listen, but he thinks of how Yoko sees him. How he must look on the opposite end of the couch.
"What kinds of things do you want?" Yoko asks. The words slur together a bit, but he probably isn't drunk so much as tired and the alcohol is making everything a little fuzzy.
"Right now? Another beer," Maru nods towards the kitchen, like it's so far away.
"No, I mean," Yoko leans forward a little, and he puts his elbows down on the middle cushion of the couch, "well, you know what I mean. What do you want to do? Like, in five years, ten years? Do you ever think about that?"
Maru laughs, because this sounds like some kind of an interview. It sounds especially silly when Yoko is slurring the words out, and Maru thinks about giving him a total nonsense answer, but when he says the words out loud it doesn't even feel like he's the one saying them.
"I want to travel all over the world, and then I want to grow up," Maru says.
Yoko laughs. "You're not grown up now?"
"Not a bit," Maru says, trying to drink the last few drops out of the bottom of the can of beer. "Need another?"
Yoko nods and Maru gets up and brings two cans back from the kitchen.
"Why do you keep coming over?" Maru asks, then realizes how it sounds. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean. Just that. You never have before." Maru mumbles out the last part and cringes at himself. It was rude. Especially after Yoko brought dinner and especially after--
"Thought you needed a friend," Yoko says, grinning. "Turns out you're good company."
He thinks about kissing Yoko. It's the first time he's thought about it in the last week, and Maru wonders why he's even thinking about it at all. It seems easy, like a simple distraction. He can't be sure, but it seems like Yoko might, and Maru doesn't even know why he wants to do it. He keeps looking at Yoko, not at his eyes, but a little off to the side.
"I guess I did," Maru says. "Need a friend, I mean. Thank you."
Yoko nods. "Yeah, sure."
---
"Did you like it?" Subaru asks.
They're backstage at a TV studio and Maru doesn't realize, until Subaru says something to him, that he hasn't really talked to anyone since they arrived. He doesn't know what Subaru means, and just stares at him blankly for a moment. Subaru just watches him and waits.
The taping went long, and everyone seems in a hurry to leave. They all say good-byes, but Yoko's is phrased like a question. His hand is on Maru's shoulder and Maru nods absently, trying to remember what it was he was supposed to like. Yasu waits for them near the door and Maru remembers the CD booklet with the bright colors and the songs that were all too loud, but in the right way.
"I did," Maru says, and Subaru smiles.
"I thought you would," Subaru says. "They're new. I like them. They're playing a couple of small shows next week, I think."
"Ah," Maru says, nodding and looking at Subaru after he's already looked everywhere else. "You going?"
"Maybe."
When Subaru says good-bye it sounds like question, too. Not like Yoko's. That one is easy to answer. This one just hangs in the air, not uncomfortably, but a little thicker than it should be. Yasu waves with his fingers when they leave.
---
It's the middle of the night when Maru is sleepy and delirious enough to do something ridiculous like kiss Yoko in the middle of the couch. Yoko doesn't kiss him back. Maru keeps their lips together for just a moment, too afraid to stop because he doesn't want to know how Yoko is going to look at him, what he's going to say. He can't take this back, not when his knee is nearly in Yoko's lap and it's clear what he's trying to do.
It's Yoko that jerks back, stops everything. Why would he think Yoko would want him to do this? It's one thing when someone is watching, when it's a show. This is completely different.
Yoko keeps looking at him, and Maru freezes. He wants to apologize or to leave or to do something, anything, but he can't move. He can nearly feel himself shrinking into the cushions of the couch, just trying to make himself smaller, or possibly to disappear.
Yoko blinks a couple of times, then his expression softens. Maybe it's nature, Maru thinks, look small and pathetic and the enemy will have mercy on you.
"Why did you do that?" Yoko asks, and sounds like he's genuinely curious.
"I... I don't know," Maru says. It's the truth. Or it sounds better than any of the actual half-formed reasons in his head. Because he misses having someone there, because lately he feels a lot like himself around Yoko, because it's late and he's still a little buzzed and he's an idiot.
Yoko's hands are on his shoulders, Maru doesn't notice his hands there until he feels them shaking. He swallows.
Then Yoko pulls him by his shoulders and kisses him, lightly and hesitantly and Maru closes his eyes because he doesn't want to see Yoko still looking at him anymore. It's slow and awkward. Their teeth bump together and Maru winces. Then Yoko wraps his arms around Maru's back and Maru isn't sure which one of them is shaking more.
Maru doesn't know who makes the move, exactly. Maybe he starts to lie back and Yoko follows him, or maybe Yoko lies him down, but he's on his back and Yoko's on top of him, kissing him a little harder, but still holding back. Maru's in thin shorts and Yoko is still wearing his jeans and with the pressure of Yoko's body on top of his, he's hard and sensitive in moments. He wonders if Yoko can feel it, and almost hopes he can't because he wanted to kiss Yoko, but he doesn't know if he's prepared for anything else. He wanted to feel something familiar, and then realizes that he's probably an awful person, and possibly the worst friend in existence.
He wants to pull Yoko's shirt up and feel the skin underneath it. But his arms stay on Yoko's back, too afraid to move because every inch feels like a mile. Yoko is heavy on him and Maru is completely turned on. Then Yoko's hips start moving against his and Maru knows he's turned on, too.
It happens too fast, Yoko starts grinding his hips and Maru still can't bring himself to move his hands anywhere else. But, his fingers press into Yoko's back, urging him harder and Yoko complies, his lips not leaving Maru's. He doesn't feel it until it's nearly too late. Maru comes in his shorts with Yoko's hands tangled in his hair. Then Yoko keeps grinding against him until his breathing gets harder. Then he chokes on a groan and his movements slow to a stop. He lies there on top of Maru for a moment, still kissing him, lazily.
Maru still doesn't want to look at Yoko. Doesn't know what to say, or if there is anything to say at all. Thankfully, Yoko breaks the silence.
"Can I, um. Borrow some..."
"Yeah, yeah," Maru says, then Yoko moves so that he can stand up. He digs around in the dresser drawers for a while, then he goes back to the main room and hands Yoko a pair of thick pajama pants. It's too hot in the apartment to wear them, but then, they're at least more comfortable than jeans, Maru thinks.
He looks at Yoko, and it feels like it's been such a long time since he's done so. "I'm gonna... go to bed," he says.
"Yeah, good night."
Yoko is gone in the morning, just like he always is, but this time it doesn't smell like breakfast. It's still hot, but Maru pulls his blanket up around his shoulders.
---
When they're interviewed alone, it's always tricky. They either have to go to separate rooms and talk to different people in the staff, or they have to go into a room one by one while the rest of them wait outside. Sometimes they can do it over the phone, but this one is accompanied by a photo shoot so they all need to be at the magazine offices at the same time. Maru is surprisingly not as hungover as he feels like he should be. He comes to the studio in a hoodie and ratty jeans because they'll tell him what they want him to wear anyway.
"What was the last thing you bought?" The girl from the magazine asks.
He doesn't remember and he doesn't want to lie. He looks away from her, puts on his best pondering face, then says, "something to eat at the train station." It was true yesterday.
"What should we look forward to at the new concert?"
Some questions are harder than others. They have to be themselves, and Maru has trouble, on some days, deciding who that is. "All of us together," He says, with a bright smile. That one is all truth.
There are a few more questions. Some about him, some about him in relation to the others. It's always easier when they're interviewed as a group because they play off of each other like an ensemble. He's tired and has too many things on his mind, and that frustrates him because he feels like he should be doing better than that.
"We're almost done," she says, encouragingly like she knows his head is somewhere else.
She's interviewed them before and she's as nice as she is professional. Maiko-san, he thinks. That's what she's asked him to call her in the past. She has long bangs that hang in front of her eyes and every time she leans down to type something onto her laptop, she has to push them out of the way.
"What's the one thing you have that is uniquely yours?" is the last question. A trick question, or a silly one. Lots of things are his, lots of things belong to him. Physical things or otherwise, he still doesn't know how to answer. Maiko-san grins at him with one corner of her mouth.
"I know, I know," she says, shaking her head a little. "Just say the first thing that comes to mind? That's usually the most important anyway."
"Too late for that now," Maru says, laughing.
She laughs too, and it's light on his ears.
"Ok, close your eyes," she says.
"Why?" he asks.
"Journalists trick. Just do it."
He closes his eyes and everything is silent for a moment. Usually the walls are thin enough to where Maru can hear at least the muffled sounds of the other interviews. He wonders if they're all finished and he's the only one who can't figure out the right answers. Then he hears Hina's voice coming from somewhere in another room, nearly loud enough for him to make out the words.
"Okay," she says.
Maru opens his eyes.
"What's the one thing you have that's uniquely yours?"
"It's a secret," Maru says, before he even realizes what he's saying. It's avoiding the question entirely, but it feels like the truest words he can say. Maiko seems pleased with it, amused even, and Maru winks, for good measure. Maiko doesn't even bother to push her bangs out of her eyes when she types vigorously on her keyboard.
It's still early when they're done and they come out of the interview rooms one by one only to be funneled down the hallway. Maru smiles at each one of them as they pass, a different smile for each one, but when he sees Yoko, he doesn't know what kind of smile to give him. He hesitates, misses the opportunity, and they pass by each other like ghosts.
---
It just feels like Yoko won't show up that night. Maru doesn't want to go home because he doesn't feel like being alone, but he doesn't want to bother anyone else either. So he calls an old friend from Kyoto just to hear a voice from somewhere else. He talks on the phone, and walks up one street and down another until he's half-lost and then has to find his way back after the conversation ends.
He doesn't hear about it until the next day, but there is a rumor that Yoko asked Maiko out on a date and they left together after the photo shoot. It's something that Yoko would normally tell them about, or at least tell Hina who might let slip to the rest of them. But, Hina hears it from one of the magazine staff when he's at the building the next day and he mentions it to Maru casually over the phone.
Maru tenses up, for some reason, when Hina tells him this. Like Hina knows what happened somehow. But he couldn't, because Yoko probably wouldn't tell him about that.
"Oh," is all Maru manages to say. There isn't anything else to say.
---
The first think Yoko notices about Maiko is that she talks much more than she ever does when they work together. But, this isn't too unexpected, considering that her job is to write down what they say. He decided to ask her out roughly twenty minutes before he actually did, and he wasn't thinking very hard about it until she became suddenly shy when he asked. It made him start to feel shy and flushed too, and he nearly called it off right then and there. But she kept smiling at him, and he couldn't take it back.
She walks next to him all the way to the train station, then up the steps to his apartment building, and he watches her slip out of her shoes when they get inside. It's maybe not the ideal place for a date, but it's too difficult otherwise, and she understands. He orders out because he has no food to prepare anyway. When he gets off the phone, he walks to the couch first, but she isn't there. He turns and she's at the dining table instead, with one leg crossed over the other.
He gives her the best smile he can, and she smiles back and wrinkles her nose a little. She's cute, and looks completely different with her long bangs pulled to the side with a clip.
They talk stiffly about her family, her little brothers, her life-changing decision between a journalism and a nursing degree. And when she tries to shift the conversation to him, he says, "You already know everything about me."
She laughs into her cup, then suddenly turns faintly red.
"You asked me just last week what color of underwear I wear," Yoko says.
"For work!" She sputters. "They just give us the questions."
Then everything suddenly becomes more relaxed between them. He likes that she doesn't laugh at all of his jokes, that she looks a little off to the side when he's talking. He likes that when some of her hair breaks free of the clip, she doesn't bother to correct it.
She eats half with her hands because the meat keeps sliding off of her chopsticks, and it's cute mostly because she keeps laughing about it. He teases her, tells her she's bad with her hands, and she says she's good when she needs to be which makes her sputter again after realizing what she's said. It's funny, Yoko thinks, how different people are outside of work. When they don't have the objective for the day and they're just themselves, whoever they are.
"On the keyboard," she says, quietly. "I'm good at typing."
"I know you are," he says, and looks past her to the empty couch behind where she's sitting.
---
It's Yasu who invites Maru to the concert and Maru thinks of about five solid excuses before he decides that Yasu will see through every one of them. He could just say "no, thanks" or just tell Yasu he doesn't want to go, it's Yasu and he'd understand. But, Maru has a feeling that this is something he has to do. Not an obligation, but a necessary gesture because it's weird when he can't talk to Subaru. And Yasu's invitation is probably as much Subaru's as his own.
The venue is small, but there are a couple hundred people packed inside. There is a bar in the back of the room and Maru sees Ohkura leaning against it. He walks over and when Ohkura leans back, Subaru is standing behind him.
Subaru's eyes open wide and he gestures for Maru to come over, one hand waving in the air, the other on the small of Yasu's back.
Maru doesn't have a chance to say anything before Ohkura hands him a drink.
"That's one way to say hello," Maru laughs.
"Hey." Ohkura nods.
When the music starts, they stay close to the back. Most of the crowd are younger kids, and they're pushed together tightly in front of the stage. Subaru says he wants to stay back where he can hear the music. They all stand with him in a row, Maru between Yasu and Ohkura, and Yasu keeps looking at Maru out of the corner of his eye.
Maru focuses on the music - they don't sound as good as they did on the CD, but close enough. They're young, too, probably no older than twenty, but they play harder and deep in a way Maru can appreciate. He moves along to the music, without meaning to, and some of his drink spills over the rim of his cup.
Four songs in, Maru hears Yasu's voice in his ear, and at first he can barely differentiate it from the music.
"I know about--" Yasu says, then a deep guitar chord drowns him out.
There isn't any need for Yasu to yell over the music. They can talk when it's quieter, or after the show. But he looks to the side of Yasu and Subaru isn't there anymore.
"I know about you and him," Yasu says when there is a lull in the music.
It's not like they were a secret and Yasu shouldn't know. They just weren't anything worth mentioning, probably. Just something that happened up until it stopped. The idea of talking about Subaru when he isn't there makes Maru more uncomfortable than just hashing it out right in front of him.
Maru nods, nervous about what Yasu might say. But, as long as he's known Yasu, and as much as they've been through, he shouldn't be. He leans as close as he can, so close that even Ohkura looks over at them, the music starts again and Yasu has to nearly scream into his ear.
"He misses you," Yasu says into Maru's ear. "He won't say it, but he does."
Maru looks at Yasu, right into his eyes. The lights turn quickly from one color to the next and Maru sees Subaru coming up behind Yasu in flashes.
"I do too," Yasu says.
He's been in his apartment every night after work, talking to Yoko and drinking and forgetting about everything else. But then he went too far, and now Yoko doesn't even want to be around him anymore. He hasn't talked to Yasu as much as he hasn't talked to Subaru, and it's just another way he's forgotten to be a friend. He can't take his eyes off of Yasu, just can't stop looking at the way the lights reflect off of his eyes, then when Subaru is back standing next to him, Yasu puts his arms around both of them.
The music keeps playing around them. Yasu's hand feels heavy on Maru's hip and he reaches out to put his arm around Yasu's back, but Subaru's hand is already there. Maru's fingers catch on Subaru's, and Subaru just holds on, doesn't let go until the music stops completely. Not until the lights come back up, and they can all see each other again.
---
Yoko takes Maiko back to the train station and offers to ride with her until she's home, but she declines, saying she can get back on her own. He says good-bye to her on the platform. It's still early. They had a couple of drinks together and he thinks about sending Maru a text to see if he's home, but then he remembers leaving Maru's apartment early in the morning. He remembers Maru passing by him in the hallway, or maybe it was him who passed Maru by. He remembers Maru's lips against his and Maru's fingers digging into his back and he has to blink a few times before it becomes a solid image in his mind.
He wants to go back, just bring a six pack of beer and act like nothing happened. Maybe he could and maybe neither of them would bring it up. He rolls the thought around in his mind, and decides to think while he walks, but he only ends up at a convenience store, buying the drinks and back on the platform waiting for the train.
They've been together too long, he thinks, for something like this to leave a mark. But he's kept thinking about it since he left so early in the morning. He never really went back to sleep, thought about it all the way home where he jerked off in the shower thinking about it again. Thought about it so much that he asked Maiko out after work.
He takes the train as close as he can and walks the few blocks to Maru's place. He won't say anything. He gets to the building and walks the long way up to the steps. He didn't bring a movie, but they never watch those anyway, right? He walks the wrong way and takes the wrong steps and has to go back around the complex to find the right building again.
Maru might not be home or he might be asleep. When Yoko knocks on the door, no one answers. He means to leave, even turns around and takes a few steps, but he stays just an arm's length from the door frame, leaning against the wall.
---
Maru drives home by himself, flipping stations on the radio, but there isn't anything he wants to listen to. So he turns the radio off and listens to the sound of the band they just saw in his mind. He's heard the CD enough times that he has them all memorized, but he starts to hear them the way they sounded on stage - a little rough, but full of conviction.
It's late, and he isn't tired, but he doesn't have anywhere else to go so he pulls up next to his building and lets the cold air run through the windows for a moment before he gets out to go inside.
He rubs his fingers together, still feeling Subaru's hand around them.
He walks up the steps and someone is standing in front of his door, someone in jeans and a sweat shirt, just leaning next to the doorframe. Then he turns around when Maru is close enough to see him. Yoko stands with an open beer in his hand and five cans dangling off of his finger.
Maru walks to his door, he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know why Yoko is here, but he can't walk away now. Maru stands at the other side of the doorframe, waiting for one of them to speak.
"I didn't bring a movie," Yoko says. The words echo in the empty hallway.
Maru forgets where he is for a moment. Forgets that it's his door and his decision and Yoko came back here. It feels like longer than a couple of days. Then he feels tired, more tired than he's felt in weeks.
"I have a ton," Maru says, his lips relaxing into a smile. He holds the door open for Yoko and walks inside behind him.
---
Maru brings Subaru's CD with him to work inside of an envelope. He writes Subaru's name on it first, then it doesn't look right with all of the empty space around it. So he writes Yasu's name on top of it, until it's just an unreadable blob of ink.
He tucks it under his arm, and walks up the path to the doorway where Subaru is just outside. They're both a little late, both a little tired.
Maru hands Subaru the envelope while they wait for the elevator and Subaru studies the mixed kanji while the doors close.
"I liked it," Maru says. "The show."
Then everything is okay. Right when Subaru closes his hands around the envelope. Right when Subaru gives Maru the brightest smile that Maru has seen in weeks.
Fandom: Kanjani8
Rating: R
Pairing: Yoko/Maru, Subaru/Yasu
Disclaimer: This is a fictional situation that never happened.
Notes: This is the longest fic I've ever written. XD Thank you Gen and Ilana for the hand holding. ♥
Whatever it is between Maru and Subaru ends just before whatever it is between Subaru and Yasu begins. They're like two dots on a timeline - self contained, they don't overlap. Maru's first instinct is to feel happy for both of them. They're so happy around each other that it's infectious. But then it's the end of the day or the end of the week and he starts to feel empty, in a vague sense. Just the feeling that something used to be there, and now it isn't.
It isn't a sad feeling. Just a presence. Somewhere in his stomach or his throat, something inside that festers there and doesn't see any means for release. He wonders if his dot couldn't be wiped off of the timeline with little consequence because he and Subaru weren't a pair. They wouldn't have their names written together on the backs of envelopes or seem incomplete when only one was in the room without the other. They were comfortable and quiet. Easy and warm. Then they were nothing for one moment and then they were friends again.
It rolls through Maru's mind more often than he'd like. First thing in the morning when the bed feels cold and then at odd times of the day. When he looks for his wallet, when he drives his car. When he can't find the right song on any of his CD's and he knows it's on one of them.
Yoko shows up on a Thursday night with a six pack of beer and a movie. What he doesn't know is that Maru is already drunk, but that's plain enough to see even from across the doorway. Yoko says he'll drink what he brought, just to catch up and they sit on opposite ends of the couch.
It doesn't matter what movie Yoko brought because, five minutes in, they're talking too loudly to hear anything on the screen. Yoko tells every story of every embarrassing thing that's ever happened to Maru. Some of them aren't even true. Yoko opens the tab on the fifth beer somewhere in the middle of, "Remember that time you fell off the stage?"
"I never fell off the stage!" Maru says, laughing hard. "...But I should."
He thinks about it for a moment. It would probably involve some degree of pain, but wouldn't it be worth it to see him dive off of the stage like a stray comet - all covered in glitter and sequins. Or they could plan it ahead of time and have something for him to land on. He's working out the logistics in his mind while Yoko has already moved on to that time Maru may or may not have gotten stuck in a tree.
Maru doesn't count, but he thinks he's had twice as much as Yoko. It seems like they're always opening them at the same time or at even intervals, and Yoko still has one can with five empty plastic loops hanging off of it. Yoko keeps talking, and Maru can't stop watching his lips. Then he's thinking about Subaru's lips, by accident. Then Subaru's hair and fingernails, too. Drunk and horny is an enabling combination, and Maru shifts around uncomfortably.
"What?" Yoko asks.
"Go on, go on," Maru says, waving a hand in front of him. Then Yoko is on about whatever he's on about again.
Yoko keeps talking about something and then it seems to be something more serious, as the tones of his voice get lower.
"I need another beer," Yoko says.
Maru looks ruefully at the refrigerator. "We're out," he says.
"Ah, well."
The DVD ended a long time ago and the title track plays over and over on an endless loop. Yoko hums along with it for a minute, then starts to laugh.
"Can I stay?" Yoko asks.
"Yeah, sure," Maru says. Yoko can sleep on the couch. Maru always keeps extra blankets around for occasions like this.
Yoko looks drunk. It's funny, his eyes are red and he's slumped so deep into the cushions of the couch that he's starting to blend into them. Maru only knows that he's been looking too long when Yoko slurrs, "What?"
Maru grins. They both know why Yoko came over and they both know why he brought alcohol with him. Even if Maru didn't end up drinking any of it, it wasn't the point. Yoko starts grinning, too, and they just stay that way for a moment. Maru thinks about thanking him, but picturing himself slurring out a drunk thank you seems insincere in a way.
"One blanket or two?" Maru asks. He looks at Yoko's lips again, not meaning to, then looks back to his eyes.
"Whatever," Yoko says. They'll end up in a ball on the floor in the morning anyway. Maru gets a blanket out of the closet and tosses it on Yoko, then says a quick good night and goes to his bedroom.
The apartment feels warmer with someone else in it, even if he's in the next room. Maru thinks about Subaru again, with his hands in the folds of his blanket. It isn't that he's not happy for Subaru, and it isn't that he feels sad for himself. He doesn't really know what it is.
In the morning, the smell of breakfast hangs in the air and the apartment feels colder. That's how Maru knows Yoko is gone.
---
Yoko comes over again the next night, this time with two movies. They end up watching half of one. Maru doesn't know how Yoko doesn't ever seem to run out of stories to tell, but he likes to listen to Yoko tell them. Even if he's heard them before or if they turn into a circle and start at the beginning again. He's never really spent much time with Yoko alone, and Yoko is a bit different than he imagined. He's relaxed and it shows through his entire posture.
Maru knows that Yoko gets shy around people sometimes. Not the way Subaru does, but sometimes Yoko overcompensates in a nervous way. Maru smiles at Yoko from the other end of the couch, happy because he feels like he's seeing a side of Yoko he's never seen before.
Yoko stops mid-sentence.
"You're weird, you know that?"
"Yeah, I know," Maru says. "So what happened next?"
---
Subaru sends a text message early in the afternoon."I left a CD at your place, can I come by and get it?"
Subaru doesn't send those often, and Maru thinks it's like setting a tone for the conversation to come. No vocal inflections, just words. Then Maru realizes he's overthinking it and sends a quick "sure" back. It isn't even really true. Subaru has left more than one CD, many over the years, and Maru wouldn't even begin to know which one he's talking about. Some of them have been there so long that Maru started to think they were his. Subaru has a few of his, too.
Yoko's empty beer cans still sit on the coffee table from the night before and, rather than having Subaru think he's drinking himself stupid, Maru cleans them up and puts the bag somewhere behind the trash bin. Then he puts the stray dishes into the sink and fills it up with water. Then takes the blanket and pillow from the couch and tosses them onto his bed. Then before he can actually start rearranging the furniture, there is a knock at the door.
"Hey," Subaru says.
"Come in," Maru says, forcing a smile that he hopes is convincing enough.
He finds the CD Subaru wants, but the wrong one is inside of the case. Maru has to search back six CD's before he finds the right one, and Subaru stays standing the whole time. He puts the right CD into the right case and gets up from where he's hunched over the CD tower. "Sorry," he says, sheepishly.
Subaru is wearing a shirt and jeans that are both a couple sizes too big for him. He looks like he's shrinking inside of them. He has a bag over his shoulder, and he hasn't taken it off so it doesn't seem like he plans to stay very long. Maru hands him the case and Subaru puts it in his bag.
"Oh," Subaru mutters, digging around in the bag for a moment. "I brought one for you to borrow. They're pretty new. Thought you might like them."
Maru takes the CD from him and the cover is nothing but colors and shapes. The band's name is in English, and he sounds the name out in his head. He opens it up and starts flipping through the booklet. "Thanks," Maru says.
"Yeah, sure. " Subaru zips up his bag and pulls it up on his shoulder. "I should go."
Maru is stiff all over, but he tries to relax. The air just feels so thick between them and Maru doesn't know what else to say.
"Well, see you later," he says, and the words echo in the quiet room.
Maru puts on the CD a few minutes after Subaru leaves. The music is hard and heavy and Maru turns it up as loud as he can get away with. He feels it in his arms and his fingers and in his chest, where it starts to loosen the knot there. He lies back on the couch and closes his eyes and lets the music wash over him.
Then Yoko sends a text that says, "I'll bring dinner."
---
It starts to become routine, even though it's only been about a week. Maru comes home from work and a few hours later, Yoko is there, with movies or food or drinks. He has a space on the couch and he always throws his jacket onto the back of a chair. It's comfortable, and Yoko doesn't seem to run out of things to talk about. Maru thinks it's funny that they've known each other all these years, but he only feels now like he's really getting to know Yoko.
Yoko seems to think of life in snapshots, memories condensed together, and it seems like he wants to share them so that they'll keep living. Even memories where Maru was there, or ones where no one but Yoko could ever have known about them. But at a certain point he starts asking Maru more about himself. Maru is content to listen, but he thinks of how Yoko sees him. How he must look on the opposite end of the couch.
"What kinds of things do you want?" Yoko asks. The words slur together a bit, but he probably isn't drunk so much as tired and the alcohol is making everything a little fuzzy.
"Right now? Another beer," Maru nods towards the kitchen, like it's so far away.
"No, I mean," Yoko leans forward a little, and he puts his elbows down on the middle cushion of the couch, "well, you know what I mean. What do you want to do? Like, in five years, ten years? Do you ever think about that?"
Maru laughs, because this sounds like some kind of an interview. It sounds especially silly when Yoko is slurring the words out, and Maru thinks about giving him a total nonsense answer, but when he says the words out loud it doesn't even feel like he's the one saying them.
"I want to travel all over the world, and then I want to grow up," Maru says.
Yoko laughs. "You're not grown up now?"
"Not a bit," Maru says, trying to drink the last few drops out of the bottom of the can of beer. "Need another?"
Yoko nods and Maru gets up and brings two cans back from the kitchen.
"Why do you keep coming over?" Maru asks, then realizes how it sounds. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean. Just that. You never have before." Maru mumbles out the last part and cringes at himself. It was rude. Especially after Yoko brought dinner and especially after--
"Thought you needed a friend," Yoko says, grinning. "Turns out you're good company."
He thinks about kissing Yoko. It's the first time he's thought about it in the last week, and Maru wonders why he's even thinking about it at all. It seems easy, like a simple distraction. He can't be sure, but it seems like Yoko might, and Maru doesn't even know why he wants to do it. He keeps looking at Yoko, not at his eyes, but a little off to the side.
"I guess I did," Maru says. "Need a friend, I mean. Thank you."
Yoko nods. "Yeah, sure."
---
"Did you like it?" Subaru asks.
They're backstage at a TV studio and Maru doesn't realize, until Subaru says something to him, that he hasn't really talked to anyone since they arrived. He doesn't know what Subaru means, and just stares at him blankly for a moment. Subaru just watches him and waits.
The taping went long, and everyone seems in a hurry to leave. They all say good-byes, but Yoko's is phrased like a question. His hand is on Maru's shoulder and Maru nods absently, trying to remember what it was he was supposed to like. Yasu waits for them near the door and Maru remembers the CD booklet with the bright colors and the songs that were all too loud, but in the right way.
"I did," Maru says, and Subaru smiles.
"I thought you would," Subaru says. "They're new. I like them. They're playing a couple of small shows next week, I think."
"Ah," Maru says, nodding and looking at Subaru after he's already looked everywhere else. "You going?"
"Maybe."
When Subaru says good-bye it sounds like question, too. Not like Yoko's. That one is easy to answer. This one just hangs in the air, not uncomfortably, but a little thicker than it should be. Yasu waves with his fingers when they leave.
---
It's the middle of the night when Maru is sleepy and delirious enough to do something ridiculous like kiss Yoko in the middle of the couch. Yoko doesn't kiss him back. Maru keeps their lips together for just a moment, too afraid to stop because he doesn't want to know how Yoko is going to look at him, what he's going to say. He can't take this back, not when his knee is nearly in Yoko's lap and it's clear what he's trying to do.
It's Yoko that jerks back, stops everything. Why would he think Yoko would want him to do this? It's one thing when someone is watching, when it's a show. This is completely different.
Yoko keeps looking at him, and Maru freezes. He wants to apologize or to leave or to do something, anything, but he can't move. He can nearly feel himself shrinking into the cushions of the couch, just trying to make himself smaller, or possibly to disappear.
Yoko blinks a couple of times, then his expression softens. Maybe it's nature, Maru thinks, look small and pathetic and the enemy will have mercy on you.
"Why did you do that?" Yoko asks, and sounds like he's genuinely curious.
"I... I don't know," Maru says. It's the truth. Or it sounds better than any of the actual half-formed reasons in his head. Because he misses having someone there, because lately he feels a lot like himself around Yoko, because it's late and he's still a little buzzed and he's an idiot.
Yoko's hands are on his shoulders, Maru doesn't notice his hands there until he feels them shaking. He swallows.
Then Yoko pulls him by his shoulders and kisses him, lightly and hesitantly and Maru closes his eyes because he doesn't want to see Yoko still looking at him anymore. It's slow and awkward. Their teeth bump together and Maru winces. Then Yoko wraps his arms around Maru's back and Maru isn't sure which one of them is shaking more.
Maru doesn't know who makes the move, exactly. Maybe he starts to lie back and Yoko follows him, or maybe Yoko lies him down, but he's on his back and Yoko's on top of him, kissing him a little harder, but still holding back. Maru's in thin shorts and Yoko is still wearing his jeans and with the pressure of Yoko's body on top of his, he's hard and sensitive in moments. He wonders if Yoko can feel it, and almost hopes he can't because he wanted to kiss Yoko, but he doesn't know if he's prepared for anything else. He wanted to feel something familiar, and then realizes that he's probably an awful person, and possibly the worst friend in existence.
He wants to pull Yoko's shirt up and feel the skin underneath it. But his arms stay on Yoko's back, too afraid to move because every inch feels like a mile. Yoko is heavy on him and Maru is completely turned on. Then Yoko's hips start moving against his and Maru knows he's turned on, too.
It happens too fast, Yoko starts grinding his hips and Maru still can't bring himself to move his hands anywhere else. But, his fingers press into Yoko's back, urging him harder and Yoko complies, his lips not leaving Maru's. He doesn't feel it until it's nearly too late. Maru comes in his shorts with Yoko's hands tangled in his hair. Then Yoko keeps grinding against him until his breathing gets harder. Then he chokes on a groan and his movements slow to a stop. He lies there on top of Maru for a moment, still kissing him, lazily.
Maru still doesn't want to look at Yoko. Doesn't know what to say, or if there is anything to say at all. Thankfully, Yoko breaks the silence.
"Can I, um. Borrow some..."
"Yeah, yeah," Maru says, then Yoko moves so that he can stand up. He digs around in the dresser drawers for a while, then he goes back to the main room and hands Yoko a pair of thick pajama pants. It's too hot in the apartment to wear them, but then, they're at least more comfortable than jeans, Maru thinks.
He looks at Yoko, and it feels like it's been such a long time since he's done so. "I'm gonna... go to bed," he says.
"Yeah, good night."
Yoko is gone in the morning, just like he always is, but this time it doesn't smell like breakfast. It's still hot, but Maru pulls his blanket up around his shoulders.
---
When they're interviewed alone, it's always tricky. They either have to go to separate rooms and talk to different people in the staff, or they have to go into a room one by one while the rest of them wait outside. Sometimes they can do it over the phone, but this one is accompanied by a photo shoot so they all need to be at the magazine offices at the same time. Maru is surprisingly not as hungover as he feels like he should be. He comes to the studio in a hoodie and ratty jeans because they'll tell him what they want him to wear anyway.
"What was the last thing you bought?" The girl from the magazine asks.
He doesn't remember and he doesn't want to lie. He looks away from her, puts on his best pondering face, then says, "something to eat at the train station." It was true yesterday.
"What should we look forward to at the new concert?"
Some questions are harder than others. They have to be themselves, and Maru has trouble, on some days, deciding who that is. "All of us together," He says, with a bright smile. That one is all truth.
There are a few more questions. Some about him, some about him in relation to the others. It's always easier when they're interviewed as a group because they play off of each other like an ensemble. He's tired and has too many things on his mind, and that frustrates him because he feels like he should be doing better than that.
"We're almost done," she says, encouragingly like she knows his head is somewhere else.
She's interviewed them before and she's as nice as she is professional. Maiko-san, he thinks. That's what she's asked him to call her in the past. She has long bangs that hang in front of her eyes and every time she leans down to type something onto her laptop, she has to push them out of the way.
"What's the one thing you have that is uniquely yours?" is the last question. A trick question, or a silly one. Lots of things are his, lots of things belong to him. Physical things or otherwise, he still doesn't know how to answer. Maiko-san grins at him with one corner of her mouth.
"I know, I know," she says, shaking her head a little. "Just say the first thing that comes to mind? That's usually the most important anyway."
"Too late for that now," Maru says, laughing.
She laughs too, and it's light on his ears.
"Ok, close your eyes," she says.
"Why?" he asks.
"Journalists trick. Just do it."
He closes his eyes and everything is silent for a moment. Usually the walls are thin enough to where Maru can hear at least the muffled sounds of the other interviews. He wonders if they're all finished and he's the only one who can't figure out the right answers. Then he hears Hina's voice coming from somewhere in another room, nearly loud enough for him to make out the words.
"Okay," she says.
Maru opens his eyes.
"What's the one thing you have that's uniquely yours?"
"It's a secret," Maru says, before he even realizes what he's saying. It's avoiding the question entirely, but it feels like the truest words he can say. Maiko seems pleased with it, amused even, and Maru winks, for good measure. Maiko doesn't even bother to push her bangs out of her eyes when she types vigorously on her keyboard.
It's still early when they're done and they come out of the interview rooms one by one only to be funneled down the hallway. Maru smiles at each one of them as they pass, a different smile for each one, but when he sees Yoko, he doesn't know what kind of smile to give him. He hesitates, misses the opportunity, and they pass by each other like ghosts.
---
It just feels like Yoko won't show up that night. Maru doesn't want to go home because he doesn't feel like being alone, but he doesn't want to bother anyone else either. So he calls an old friend from Kyoto just to hear a voice from somewhere else. He talks on the phone, and walks up one street and down another until he's half-lost and then has to find his way back after the conversation ends.
He doesn't hear about it until the next day, but there is a rumor that Yoko asked Maiko out on a date and they left together after the photo shoot. It's something that Yoko would normally tell them about, or at least tell Hina who might let slip to the rest of them. But, Hina hears it from one of the magazine staff when he's at the building the next day and he mentions it to Maru casually over the phone.
Maru tenses up, for some reason, when Hina tells him this. Like Hina knows what happened somehow. But he couldn't, because Yoko probably wouldn't tell him about that.
"Oh," is all Maru manages to say. There isn't anything else to say.
---
The first think Yoko notices about Maiko is that she talks much more than she ever does when they work together. But, this isn't too unexpected, considering that her job is to write down what they say. He decided to ask her out roughly twenty minutes before he actually did, and he wasn't thinking very hard about it until she became suddenly shy when he asked. It made him start to feel shy and flushed too, and he nearly called it off right then and there. But she kept smiling at him, and he couldn't take it back.
She walks next to him all the way to the train station, then up the steps to his apartment building, and he watches her slip out of her shoes when they get inside. It's maybe not the ideal place for a date, but it's too difficult otherwise, and she understands. He orders out because he has no food to prepare anyway. When he gets off the phone, he walks to the couch first, but she isn't there. He turns and she's at the dining table instead, with one leg crossed over the other.
He gives her the best smile he can, and she smiles back and wrinkles her nose a little. She's cute, and looks completely different with her long bangs pulled to the side with a clip.
They talk stiffly about her family, her little brothers, her life-changing decision between a journalism and a nursing degree. And when she tries to shift the conversation to him, he says, "You already know everything about me."
She laughs into her cup, then suddenly turns faintly red.
"You asked me just last week what color of underwear I wear," Yoko says.
"For work!" She sputters. "They just give us the questions."
Then everything suddenly becomes more relaxed between them. He likes that she doesn't laugh at all of his jokes, that she looks a little off to the side when he's talking. He likes that when some of her hair breaks free of the clip, she doesn't bother to correct it.
She eats half with her hands because the meat keeps sliding off of her chopsticks, and it's cute mostly because she keeps laughing about it. He teases her, tells her she's bad with her hands, and she says she's good when she needs to be which makes her sputter again after realizing what she's said. It's funny, Yoko thinks, how different people are outside of work. When they don't have the objective for the day and they're just themselves, whoever they are.
"On the keyboard," she says, quietly. "I'm good at typing."
"I know you are," he says, and looks past her to the empty couch behind where she's sitting.
---
It's Yasu who invites Maru to the concert and Maru thinks of about five solid excuses before he decides that Yasu will see through every one of them. He could just say "no, thanks" or just tell Yasu he doesn't want to go, it's Yasu and he'd understand. But, Maru has a feeling that this is something he has to do. Not an obligation, but a necessary gesture because it's weird when he can't talk to Subaru. And Yasu's invitation is probably as much Subaru's as his own.
The venue is small, but there are a couple hundred people packed inside. There is a bar in the back of the room and Maru sees Ohkura leaning against it. He walks over and when Ohkura leans back, Subaru is standing behind him.
Subaru's eyes open wide and he gestures for Maru to come over, one hand waving in the air, the other on the small of Yasu's back.
Maru doesn't have a chance to say anything before Ohkura hands him a drink.
"That's one way to say hello," Maru laughs.
"Hey." Ohkura nods.
When the music starts, they stay close to the back. Most of the crowd are younger kids, and they're pushed together tightly in front of the stage. Subaru says he wants to stay back where he can hear the music. They all stand with him in a row, Maru between Yasu and Ohkura, and Yasu keeps looking at Maru out of the corner of his eye.
Maru focuses on the music - they don't sound as good as they did on the CD, but close enough. They're young, too, probably no older than twenty, but they play harder and deep in a way Maru can appreciate. He moves along to the music, without meaning to, and some of his drink spills over the rim of his cup.
Four songs in, Maru hears Yasu's voice in his ear, and at first he can barely differentiate it from the music.
"I know about--" Yasu says, then a deep guitar chord drowns him out.
There isn't any need for Yasu to yell over the music. They can talk when it's quieter, or after the show. But he looks to the side of Yasu and Subaru isn't there anymore.
"I know about you and him," Yasu says when there is a lull in the music.
It's not like they were a secret and Yasu shouldn't know. They just weren't anything worth mentioning, probably. Just something that happened up until it stopped. The idea of talking about Subaru when he isn't there makes Maru more uncomfortable than just hashing it out right in front of him.
Maru nods, nervous about what Yasu might say. But, as long as he's known Yasu, and as much as they've been through, he shouldn't be. He leans as close as he can, so close that even Ohkura looks over at them, the music starts again and Yasu has to nearly scream into his ear.
"He misses you," Yasu says into Maru's ear. "He won't say it, but he does."
Maru looks at Yasu, right into his eyes. The lights turn quickly from one color to the next and Maru sees Subaru coming up behind Yasu in flashes.
"I do too," Yasu says.
He's been in his apartment every night after work, talking to Yoko and drinking and forgetting about everything else. But then he went too far, and now Yoko doesn't even want to be around him anymore. He hasn't talked to Yasu as much as he hasn't talked to Subaru, and it's just another way he's forgotten to be a friend. He can't take his eyes off of Yasu, just can't stop looking at the way the lights reflect off of his eyes, then when Subaru is back standing next to him, Yasu puts his arms around both of them.
The music keeps playing around them. Yasu's hand feels heavy on Maru's hip and he reaches out to put his arm around Yasu's back, but Subaru's hand is already there. Maru's fingers catch on Subaru's, and Subaru just holds on, doesn't let go until the music stops completely. Not until the lights come back up, and they can all see each other again.
---
Yoko takes Maiko back to the train station and offers to ride with her until she's home, but she declines, saying she can get back on her own. He says good-bye to her on the platform. It's still early. They had a couple of drinks together and he thinks about sending Maru a text to see if he's home, but then he remembers leaving Maru's apartment early in the morning. He remembers Maru passing by him in the hallway, or maybe it was him who passed Maru by. He remembers Maru's lips against his and Maru's fingers digging into his back and he has to blink a few times before it becomes a solid image in his mind.
He wants to go back, just bring a six pack of beer and act like nothing happened. Maybe he could and maybe neither of them would bring it up. He rolls the thought around in his mind, and decides to think while he walks, but he only ends up at a convenience store, buying the drinks and back on the platform waiting for the train.
They've been together too long, he thinks, for something like this to leave a mark. But he's kept thinking about it since he left so early in the morning. He never really went back to sleep, thought about it all the way home where he jerked off in the shower thinking about it again. Thought about it so much that he asked Maiko out after work.
He takes the train as close as he can and walks the few blocks to Maru's place. He won't say anything. He gets to the building and walks the long way up to the steps. He didn't bring a movie, but they never watch those anyway, right? He walks the wrong way and takes the wrong steps and has to go back around the complex to find the right building again.
Maru might not be home or he might be asleep. When Yoko knocks on the door, no one answers. He means to leave, even turns around and takes a few steps, but he stays just an arm's length from the door frame, leaning against the wall.
---
Maru drives home by himself, flipping stations on the radio, but there isn't anything he wants to listen to. So he turns the radio off and listens to the sound of the band they just saw in his mind. He's heard the CD enough times that he has them all memorized, but he starts to hear them the way they sounded on stage - a little rough, but full of conviction.
It's late, and he isn't tired, but he doesn't have anywhere else to go so he pulls up next to his building and lets the cold air run through the windows for a moment before he gets out to go inside.
He rubs his fingers together, still feeling Subaru's hand around them.
He walks up the steps and someone is standing in front of his door, someone in jeans and a sweat shirt, just leaning next to the doorframe. Then he turns around when Maru is close enough to see him. Yoko stands with an open beer in his hand and five cans dangling off of his finger.
Maru walks to his door, he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know why Yoko is here, but he can't walk away now. Maru stands at the other side of the doorframe, waiting for one of them to speak.
"I didn't bring a movie," Yoko says. The words echo in the empty hallway.
Maru forgets where he is for a moment. Forgets that it's his door and his decision and Yoko came back here. It feels like longer than a couple of days. Then he feels tired, more tired than he's felt in weeks.
"I have a ton," Maru says, his lips relaxing into a smile. He holds the door open for Yoko and walks inside behind him.
---
Maru brings Subaru's CD with him to work inside of an envelope. He writes Subaru's name on it first, then it doesn't look right with all of the empty space around it. So he writes Yasu's name on top of it, until it's just an unreadable blob of ink.
He tucks it under his arm, and walks up the path to the doorway where Subaru is just outside. They're both a little late, both a little tired.
Maru hands Subaru the envelope while they wait for the elevator and Subaru studies the mixed kanji while the doors close.
"I liked it," Maru says. "The show."
Then everything is okay. Right when Subaru closes his hands around the envelope. Right when Subaru gives Maru the brightest smile that Maru has seen in weeks.