Fic: "Sex Education"
Title: "Sex Education"
Author: Ebonyivoryy / theothardus
Pairing: WINWARD 8D;;
Rating: T, because of sexual implications, I guess.
Summary: Ed and Winry experience problems with the plumbing.
Disclaimer: I LOVE YOU HIROMU. I MOO 4 U.
Notes: EdWin offspring ;D... (Fairly grown up.) All of these attractive genes I can't.
A/N: So, I've been wanting to write something like this forever. Yes, a lot of this consists of my headcanon, such as the names of their kids. If you'd like to know who they take after in appearance, here's a quick little summary, in order of oldest to youngest: Theo, the eldest, has Ed's hair, but a slight shade darker (and grew it out to resemble Hohenheim's hairstyle in his late teens), possesses his Xerxes eye color, a mixture of eye shape between Ed and Winry, Winry's nose, Ed's lips, Winry's complexion. Allison has Winry's hair but a slight shade darker (and cuts it short due to a certain gum accident, thanks to her obnoxious brothers, when she's fourteen, so she has short hair for the majority of her teen years, length varies), her mother's eyes in both color and shape, her mother's nose and lips, her father's eyebrows and ears, mother's complexion, although she can bronze a bit in the sun like her dad (yes, she's pretty much a replica of her mother with slight variations). Alexander is more of a combo child, with his father's hair (He grows it somewhat long, but only barely to his shoulders, and usually pulls it back into a small ponytail. Not nearly as long as Theo or his father), ma's blue eye color, pa's eye shape, Ed's nose, Winry's lips, Ed's complexion. Siduri has her dad's hair color with her mother's bangs, Ed's eye color, nose, Winry's eye shape, lips. Ezra is her fraternal twin, so he's pretty much the same; his hair is generally an average boy length throughout his life, therefore, he is the only boy in the family without the length.
So much for summary. I LOVE YOU ALL GOOD BYE~
XXX
"It's all backed up!"
Winry tried to flush the toilet for the umpteenth time, but no avail. She grit her teeth, reminding herself to take deep breaths and calm herself. Impatience would get her nowhere. She would be patient, if it wasn't for the already-busy schedule at the shop that had her yanking at her hair out. Don't get her wrong - she loves to work and hates slow days, but this was just ridiculous! It was as if the entire population of Rush Valley were ditching their mechanics and switching over to her! She didn't have a moment to breathe.
And now this? Sure, she could hire a plumber, but why spend the money when she could do it herself?
Edward suppressed a sigh at that. Winry was so damn stubborn when it came to fixer-uppers around the house and at the shop. It must have been her pride, or something, because she refused to allow a professional to touch it.
The man leaned on the doorframe, watching in amusement as his wife roughly rattled every faucet, stomping her foot onto the toilet lever. Frankly, he was surprised they didn't break.
"You want me to check it out?" he asked her, making sure to keep his tone in check. She was already pissed to hell.
"You're not a plumber, Ed," she was quick to respond, diving under the sink as she began to mess with the pipes.
"Then do you want me to call a plumber?"
"No, Ed! Do you know how much they charge?!"
"I'm sure we can afford it-"
"Lay off it! I'm perfectly capable of handling this myself."
Ed finally let out that suppressed sigh. He pinched the bridge of his noise; it was impossible to reason with this woman.
His twelve-year-old son peeked into the bathroom from behind him, afraid to intervene. He poked his father's side, noting quiet enough for only him to hear, "Mom's going off the deep end, isn't she?"
"She's just stressed," Ed said, lowering his volume as well. "She'll get over it. We just need to back off and let her do her thing…"
"Will you two stop jabbering over there?! I'm trying to focus!" out came the yell of the mad woman.
Edward and Ezra exchanged glances, their facial expressions proof that they definitely shared blood.
"You hungry?" Ed asked his son, still staring at the fidgeting blonde.
The boy nodded.
"Let's go fix ourselves up a sandwich."
The boy nodded again.
And just like that, they fled down the hallway.
Ten minutes later, Ed was strolling by the same room, casually checking on Winry. With a turkey sandwich in hand, he tip-toed a little closer to see what she was doing.
"What do you think could've clogged the pipes up?" he inquired, still chewing the bit of food left in his mouth.
Winry wiped her forehead, sitting up straight. She then stood, peeling off her gloves and tossing them on the counter. Judging by the look on her face, she had cooled down, and he thanked his lucky stars for that.
"I have no idea," she responded. "It might be something with the town, but I haven't heard a thing about anyone else's sewage being backed up. I'll have to look further."
XXX
That night, Winry came sauntering into their bedroom, hands behind her back. She stood there for a while before Ed looked up from his notebook, noticing the uneasy look on her face, and became uneasy himself. His flaring eyes looked to her with question. He remained silent, though, waiting for her to speak up first.
Her toes wiggled. Her pupils pointed at them. The blonde looked as if she had tasted sour milk, and the filth smudges on her face didn't help, either.
Finally, becoming nervous, he decided to speak. "What's wrong, Winry?"
She opened her mouth, ready to answer, but her jaw wired shut in hesitation. Winry looked at the walls, ceiling, everywhere but at Ed.
He quirked an eyebrow.
"Um… Ed…" she began, wandering eyes landing on him. Despite being thirty-seven, her countenance made her look like a bashful child.
The arm that was behind her back revealed itself, displaying something rubber, wrinkled, and dingy between her gloved index finger and thumb. "…Did you flush this down the toilet?"
Ed squinted his eyes, trying to decipher just what that object was between her fingers. Slowly, surely, his eyes widened, blinking harshly with disbelief.
"No," he answered boldly, blatantly. "You and I both know that I haven't used condoms in years!"
She blinked as well, eyebrows pulling together. "Then who else would possibly-"
They both froze.
The next thing they knew, she was showing him the piles of deflated rubbers that she plucked from the pipes, all lying on the tile floor.
Ed was stiff in his stance, rubbing his face with his large hands and then moving them to his temples. The cowlick on his head was no longer alone, greeted by many stressed strands that sprouted up from his scalp.
This isn't happening.
"Do you think…" Winry started, dazed, almost disgusted by the situation at hand. She twiddled her thumbs, swallowing her words, then regurgitating them back up again. "…Do you think it's the boys?"
Ed was quick to snap, "Well it sure as hell ain't Ezra! He's only twelve!"
"And it can't be Theo, either," the mechanic deducted, "He's been away on military duty."
Their throats bobbed simultaneously. Could it be… it had to be. He was the only junior mechanic of the family, the only one who spent as much time in Rush Valley as he did, and the only one with a girlfriend (that they knew of, at least). Given his personality so similar to his father's, though, it was difficult to believe that he would have the gall to… to…
Ed slapped his forehead. "Damn it, Al!"
XXX
As the sixteen-year-old took in the scene before him, his stomach dropped below his knees, a sudden freeze engulfing his body. There his parents were, faces burning with embarrassment he could relate to, standing beside a mountain of familiar contraceptives. Very familiar contraceptives.
Holy shit.
In the blink of an eye, he went from shocked to mortified.
"Alexander Elric!" his mother's voice, usually soft, was wavering with a scolding anger. "What in the world were you thinking?!"
His mouth opened, but not a peep escaped. Was that a trick question? Because old people always asked that when he got in trouble, and no matter what, the answer would never make them happy.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're using protection, but why did I have to find out you're sexually active this way?! Do you know how long I worked my butt off trying to fix the plumbing?! Do you know how many customers I had to re-schedule appointments for because of this?!" And her rant went on. And on. And on.
His father chimed in, putting his foot down, "You're both way too young for that! What if you get her pregnant, or-"
Winry added to the endless lecture, "Is Danielle consenting to this? Because I swear, if you're taking advantage of her-"
That assumption struck itself into Alexander's spine like a sharp pain, his body responding with a twitch. "Of course I'm not! What kind of asshole do you think I am?!"
Winry was gripping her hips with bruising force. "We're just making sure that either of you don't get hurt! Sex changes everything in a relationship!"
The young man retorted, "Yeah, well, we've known each other since we were five and I'm pretty sure I'd know if I loved her or not by now! You of all people should know what I'm talking about, you guys knew each other since you were little, too!"
Ed and Winry paused, thinking on his words. He made a pretty good point. Still, they weren't sexually active at sixteen. They barely got together at sixteen.
Ed batted his son's statement away, as if it were an annoying fly too close to his face.
"That's not even the same thing! We went through a lot as kids that made us adults much earlier in life!"
The woman beside him added, chin in the air, "And besides, we didn't have sex until our wedding night!"
Ed whipped his head her way, flabbergasted. "Don't tell him that, Winry!"
"What? It's the truth-"
Alexander's features contorted, obviously not wanting to know when or where his mom and pops first… did it.
The former alchemist flailed a hand toward the teenager. "Look at the poor boy's face! He doesn't want to know that stuff!"
Alexander groaned as they went back and forth, slinking over. Why him? Why this? Oh, when Danielle hears about what happened, the blacksmith will never show her face around his mother's shop again.
And all because he came up with the ingenious idea of how to dispose of contraceptives. He should have just burned them.
fin