Apparently I like the words "so" and "bludgeon"
So, the other day (in my attempt to watch the olympics, which were not playing at the time) I was randomly channel surfing and came across a program on whales. "Whales are cool," I said to myself, thinking about all the cool computer music I could make with whale song (those aren't copyrighted, right?) and I wouldn't even have to do all that much processing. Of course, this is not the topic of my blog this afternoon.
The whale program was pretty much ending, and after I had learned all I wanted to know about whale parasites and how whales dispose of them, I saw a program on dolphins. "I've always liked dolphins," I said to myself, remembering a beloved stuffed dolphin I once had that squeaked lovably when you squeezed it and probably drove my parents nuts (I wonder what happened to it? Destroyed by my distraught parents, I'm sure). Of course, little did I know that this program was about dolphins being bludgeoned to death. So of course, I was traumatized and irate for the first half hour, because they kept talking about these dolphins washing up in VA (and porpoises in Scotland, and they are different) but they hadn't yet decided to inform me what the cause of the dead dolphins was. I was becoming more and more agitated, because I needed a place to direct my horror and and anger!
Now, before I go any further, I have to inform you that these dolphins were mid-sized dolphins. So, basically they were the dolphin equivalent of teenagers. The porpoises in Scotland were the same size as your typical dolphin teenager.
So, finally the investigation is starting to develop, and they think that this blasting technique that oil companies were using to drill in Scotland (and, subsequently, our wonderful military experiments in VA that employed the same type of blasting thingamajig) were the cause. And of course, I was relieved and almost excited to have another reason to be mad at oil companies and the government! Of course I want all the excuses I can get to complain about these organizations! Of course the first plausible theory is never the correct one.
So, let down by the program and thrown into utter horror once more, I find out just before the last commercial break that the culprits were actually adult dolphins. They actually had found footage of dolphins tossing adolescent dolphins in the air and basically pummeling them to death with their bottle noses. And they had proof that these were deliberate attacks that didn't end until the teenage dolphin was dead. Thus my horror increased ten-fold when I found out that the culprits were other dolphins, those adorable, incredibly intelligent and awesome creatures that show off and play specifically for the amusement of people (they were the only animals at Sea World who actually liked being there, I could tell). So, of course I was waiting for the completely plausible explanation for this, like government disposal of toxic waste causing the dolphins to go crazy or something, mostly so that I could redirect my horror back to the government. And I just knew that the last ten minutes of the program were going to tell me why these dolphins were being bludgeoned by adult dolphins. Of course, they spent the last ten minutes of the program telling me all the reasons they had no fucking clue why the dolphins were doing this.
So, that program ended, and I decided to watch the next one (I was waiting for women's gymnastics, I had nothing better to do, really) which was about dolphins saving people. Which honestly was a crock of shit, because basically these two stories involved people who just happened to get attacked by sharks while they were swimming with dolphins, and thus the dolphins went into "protect our own" mode and happened to be nice enough to include the people in "their own." Yes, I'm sure the dolphins (who can recognize their own reflection, btw, isn't that awesome?) understood that the humans were being attacked. But it's not like they heard the attack from miles away and swam in for the rescue like some crazy heroic marine version of Lassie. They were also there, in danger of being attacked by sharks, and of course they can see the shark and are used to defending themselves against said shark, so they did what they would do in any situation involving one: intimidate it or beat it with their tails until it goes away. Of course, the only way a dolphin can intimidate a shark is by calling all its dolphin friends and introducing them to the shark, who then always decides it is not worth the trouble (I wonder how sharks get any food if they don't have stupid flailing idiotic humans who should know to get out of the water when they cut themselves on rocks in shark-infested waters since even people who don't live in New Zealand and see sharks and dolphins all the time know that sharks can smell the tiniest bit of blood from a long way off). In any case, I decided to turn off Animal Planet when the next show about the animal police started with two dogs that would have been beautiful if they weren't emaciated.
The thing that gets me the most, though, is this website:
http://www.dolphinheartworld.com
You know, I bet if the people who created this site had seen the program I did, they would have a completely different view, nothing like this:
"What is the gift of the dolphins? It’s their Unconditional Love and Acceptance that creates a sense of complete safety and trust when we are in their presence."
Only if you aren't a teenage dolphin acting up, of course. Then it's the bludgeoning for you. These people have apparently created some sort of dogma around "dolphin love" and don't realize that they can be just as uncompromising and sociopathic as the next person, since they bludgeon their young to death with their bare noses. In any case, I have no preconceived notions about dolphins anymore. If they want to save me from sharks, fine. Of course I will be grateful for their help, even though it is about the equivalent of a gang banger accidentally shooting someone about to rape and kill me. I just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time, and my new felon friend there just happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. If dolphins want to flip and play and show off, fine. I will be amused and glad that they actually enjoy their servitude at Sea World, since they don't have the work load of saving moronic humans from sharks all the time. I will just be glad that I am not an adolescent bottle-nose dolphin or a porpoise the next time I encounter a dolphin, and hopefully that will save me from any bludgeoning.
The whale program was pretty much ending, and after I had learned all I wanted to know about whale parasites and how whales dispose of them, I saw a program on dolphins. "I've always liked dolphins," I said to myself, remembering a beloved stuffed dolphin I once had that squeaked lovably when you squeezed it and probably drove my parents nuts (I wonder what happened to it? Destroyed by my distraught parents, I'm sure). Of course, little did I know that this program was about dolphins being bludgeoned to death. So of course, I was traumatized and irate for the first half hour, because they kept talking about these dolphins washing up in VA (and porpoises in Scotland, and they are different) but they hadn't yet decided to inform me what the cause of the dead dolphins was. I was becoming more and more agitated, because I needed a place to direct my horror and and anger!
Now, before I go any further, I have to inform you that these dolphins were mid-sized dolphins. So, basically they were the dolphin equivalent of teenagers. The porpoises in Scotland were the same size as your typical dolphin teenager.
So, finally the investigation is starting to develop, and they think that this blasting technique that oil companies were using to drill in Scotland (and, subsequently, our wonderful military experiments in VA that employed the same type of blasting thingamajig) were the cause. And of course, I was relieved and almost excited to have another reason to be mad at oil companies and the government! Of course I want all the excuses I can get to complain about these organizations! Of course the first plausible theory is never the correct one.
So, let down by the program and thrown into utter horror once more, I find out just before the last commercial break that the culprits were actually adult dolphins. They actually had found footage of dolphins tossing adolescent dolphins in the air and basically pummeling them to death with their bottle noses. And they had proof that these were deliberate attacks that didn't end until the teenage dolphin was dead. Thus my horror increased ten-fold when I found out that the culprits were other dolphins, those adorable, incredibly intelligent and awesome creatures that show off and play specifically for the amusement of people (they were the only animals at Sea World who actually liked being there, I could tell). So, of course I was waiting for the completely plausible explanation for this, like government disposal of toxic waste causing the dolphins to go crazy or something, mostly so that I could redirect my horror back to the government. And I just knew that the last ten minutes of the program were going to tell me why these dolphins were being bludgeoned by adult dolphins. Of course, they spent the last ten minutes of the program telling me all the reasons they had no fucking clue why the dolphins were doing this.
So, that program ended, and I decided to watch the next one (I was waiting for women's gymnastics, I had nothing better to do, really) which was about dolphins saving people. Which honestly was a crock of shit, because basically these two stories involved people who just happened to get attacked by sharks while they were swimming with dolphins, and thus the dolphins went into "protect our own" mode and happened to be nice enough to include the people in "their own." Yes, I'm sure the dolphins (who can recognize their own reflection, btw, isn't that awesome?) understood that the humans were being attacked. But it's not like they heard the attack from miles away and swam in for the rescue like some crazy heroic marine version of Lassie. They were also there, in danger of being attacked by sharks, and of course they can see the shark and are used to defending themselves against said shark, so they did what they would do in any situation involving one: intimidate it or beat it with their tails until it goes away. Of course, the only way a dolphin can intimidate a shark is by calling all its dolphin friends and introducing them to the shark, who then always decides it is not worth the trouble (I wonder how sharks get any food if they don't have stupid flailing idiotic humans who should know to get out of the water when they cut themselves on rocks in shark-infested waters since even people who don't live in New Zealand and see sharks and dolphins all the time know that sharks can smell the tiniest bit of blood from a long way off). In any case, I decided to turn off Animal Planet when the next show about the animal police started with two dogs that would have been beautiful if they weren't emaciated.
The thing that gets me the most, though, is this website:
http://www.dolphinheartworld.com
You know, I bet if the people who created this site had seen the program I did, they would have a completely different view, nothing like this:
"What is the gift of the dolphins? It’s their Unconditional Love and Acceptance that creates a sense of complete safety and trust when we are in their presence."
Only if you aren't a teenage dolphin acting up, of course. Then it's the bludgeoning for you. These people have apparently created some sort of dogma around "dolphin love" and don't realize that they can be just as uncompromising and sociopathic as the next person, since they bludgeon their young to death with their bare noses. In any case, I have no preconceived notions about dolphins anymore. If they want to save me from sharks, fine. Of course I will be grateful for their help, even though it is about the equivalent of a gang banger accidentally shooting someone about to rape and kill me. I just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time, and my new felon friend there just happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. If dolphins want to flip and play and show off, fine. I will be amused and glad that they actually enjoy their servitude at Sea World, since they don't have the work load of saving moronic humans from sharks all the time. I will just be glad that I am not an adolescent bottle-nose dolphin or a porpoise the next time I encounter a dolphin, and hopefully that will save me from any bludgeoning.