i remember when people used to read this. haha

[theonlywayican]

Back when I actually had people I could talk to. You know though even if I wanted to I don't think I could talk to anyone. I feel like my life is a box. I do the same thing everyday. I practically have the same thoughts everyday. I miss being able to just do what I wanted to. I envy all my college friends. They envy me for my relationship. But I envy them for having a path. I really want to go back to school. I hate looking like some loser drop out that doesn't want to make anything of herself because she CHOSE to stop going to school. I didn't chose this. I'm trying everything I can to go back. I don't qualify for anything. I'm in a middle america society where I make "too much" money to get help but with not enough left to go to school. All just because my mom made to much money. and I'm not free of her till i'm 25 apparently. So that's it. 25 then i'll go to school. THAT SUCKS!! I want so much from life now. But for the next four years about I have to wait. Then I have to wait to finish school. THEN I can start my life with amanda. I seriously hate being gay sometimes. This world makes it so hard for us to have kids. And yes this is what this is all about. I WANT KIDS!! But I hate that we can't do that. I hate that we'll never know what it's like to just by accident make something so beautiful. And do be able to tell the world "HEY! Look at what we made out of our love." I'll never know what it's like to just by surprise have amanda come up to me and tell me "I'm pregnant." No instead i'm going to have a life of waiting for some sperm. From someone who has nothing to do with our relationship! And we have to try... and wait... disappointment... try... wait... disappointment... try... wait... disappointment. Till finally one day after thousands of dollars and millions of visits we're sitting in the bathroom waiting for the pregnancy test to finish then BAM we know. The problem is we don't have thousands of dollars to spend on making a baby. then thousands more to support it. I'm sorry. I'm done.