Blah Blah Blibbity BLAH
I am sitting at home SOOOOO bored and thought.... Geez its time to write in my livejournal lol. I cant belive how many years I have had this thing now it is CRAZY to sit and read my posts from YEARS ago, from before I was ever a mom. lol. Anyways, so I have lost 10 pounds! Woo hoo! I am ssoooooo happy its great I have been going to the gym almost every day and it is soooo much fun, my life has changed so much in the last year and I have so much more energy and feel so much healthier. I have also been MEAT FREE for 5 months now, and not talking about D*CK either Im talking about FOOD I have been a vegetarian ever since I read the book Skinny Bitch and it has changed my LIFE! I also have cut WAY back on driniking, Alcohol has been a major crutch for me for the last 2 years and I have used it to avoid facing my own issues and also just to FORGET them. But I got sooo tired of going through life HUNG OVER and not rememberring what happened between midnight and 4 am. I still go out and go dancing and have my social drinks with my girlfriends every other week or so but I dont get HAMMERED anymore and it is no longer a way of life, and that has helped me lose weight as well,. I got my mind right and my bodies getting there lol! Being sober at first was really hard, I have had to deal with sooo many emotions in the last year that I was trying to just push aside. I will admit I am such a serial dater and I jump from realtionship to relationship and I never take time to heal and the way I am with relationships and break ups is extremely unhealthy for me.... When I was drinking all the time I was easily able to just block out all of the pain from my relationships.... I was always looking for stability and I think I just dont like to be alone, but I never stopped IN BETWEEN relationships and though about WHAT DO I WANT, WHO AM I DEEP DOWN... And all the guys I have been with Ive thought and said "Hes the one, the love of my life" geesh!!!! i dont have anough fingers to count the times I have said that lol. After I had Naomi I met Jason.... that relationship went on for about 4 months or so, then we broke up because he said he was "scared of how inlove he was with me and the feelings he was having lol" Okay WHATEVER so I IMMEDIATELY hooked up with Sean, who was the maintenance guy at my apartments... lol, yeah so I wanted a handy man whats wrong with that, we were togehter for 8 months and broke up, then I somewhat hooked back up with Naomis dad, until I realized he was still a loser and that i still had feelings for Jason, so we hooked back up for a while, until we decided to just be friends, lol yeah you know what I mean, then i met Larry.... this guy totally did it for me, complete package... for 9 months we were together, and EVERY SINGE day that I was with him I had butterflies... he was GORGEOUS, affectionate, total MAN, he was 6'4 built, dark hair, hazel eyes and GREAT IN BED... and I am a bit of a diva so the best of all he WORSHIPPED the ground that I walked on, and he bought me diamonds :) but I turned 21, and well alcohol destroyed our realtionship... along with a few other small factors, we broke up on New YEARS and within an month I was back with Jason, he was through ALL THE YEARS of me dating other guys was my friend through everything and was always the one I would call crying, he was my best friend. He moved in AS A FRIEND and we started hanging out... he was the "guy on the couch" We woull hang out with friends and drink every night I would get so drunk that I wouldnt feel any pain. I was trying to move past Larry, Valentines Day pretty much sealed the deal, Larry cam eot my apartment to bring me flowers and try to recconcile with me and won me back, well I was at work, and Jason answerred the door with a laundry basket in his arms lol. That was pretty much the end of Larry, Me and Jason got togehter again and i really felt like this is it, this is by best friend in the worl and i love him and he loves me, I really felt like after all the years of me and Jason being off and on the one thing that was laways the same between us was that we always had feelings towrads each other, about 4 months later I got pregnant with Leland. Me and Jason got a nicer place together and were ready to start our life together I was soooo inlove with him and so excited for the baby. It felt like everything was falling into place. The next two years with Jason were very rocky but I never thought we wouldnt make it through it, in the end though it just didnt work out, and gee guess what destroyed that relationship ALCOHOL. When I was pregnant Jason heavily was drinking and at one point was even doing meth behind my back, when I would conftont him about it he would flip out and scream at me and say how dare I ask him if he was dfoing that, well the truth was HE WAS DOING IT and I was not stupid. He would get drunk and treat me like shit and say TERRIBLE things to me and talk so much crap about me to other people. after I had Leland, when the kids were in bed and Jason would be sleeping (after ignorring me all day) i would go out, and drink, After I had Leland it was My way in my mind of paying him back, I was treating him the same way he treated me.... in the end it just got past the point of repair.... I am at this point in my life now where I need to face my emotions and the damage relationships have done to me head on, I cant keep running from my mistakes.