All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you.
Sometimes I find myself staying up late thinking about war. I have not seen war, I probably never will. I wish that no one ever has to endure the hell that comes with war. I have many military friends, I've heard the stories. Some are simple and left with few words others are graphic and troubling to hear. Everyone of these brave men I know have experienced combat in their own way and have their own views and feelings of their experiences.
At a young age my walls were plastered with Marine Corp posters and cut outs from pamphlets and any other related material. I wanted to serve my country, do something with a purpose and sense of pride. I wanted to be a Marine, the first to fight, the most badass warriors on gods great earth! I studied about the Marine Corps, there history and heritage, how long boot camp was and what it entailed. I knew it wouldn't be easy, I knew it would take dedication and a lot of sacrifice and pain. But I wanted it bad, I wanted to earn that EGA and wear those dress blues proudly. I wanted more than anything to be a part of something greater than anything, to be a part of a brotherhood and stand tall and proud for this great nation. I wanted to be a United States Marine!
In 2009 I had settled back home after some trying years in college. Dealing with a hard breakup amoung other life difficulties. My brother Jared had shipped off to Parris Island and I was proud of him and equally jealous. At this point in my life I knew my knee would hold me back from being a Marine. I didn't let that stop me entirely, I wanted to serve. I explored my options, Marines were out, I couldn't skate through Parris Island with a bum knee. The Air Force didn't really capture my interest nor did the Navy. The Army I thought would be perfect, they have a long rich history. So then I thought well for my own sake and my families sanity maybe something part time would be best. Didn't think much about reserve so I decided on the guard, I'd be around Mass more. So I did the online inquiry and met with a recruiter.
The days following my meeting lead to more meetings, pick me up at the house grab breakfast or lunch on Uncle Sam and talk. Then talking turned to paperwork and background checks. I took the asvabs and scored something in the mid 80's. I wasn't sure at the time what that meant but my recruiter and the rest of them were all psyched for me. It was considered a high score and I could have almost any job that wasn't technical or aviation. Most people score between 50-70 and even that's considered good. Well I went back and forth with infantry, light wheel mechanic and police. I ended up choosing 31B which is military police. I was pumped!
More meetings and paperwork, did a basic fitness test and that went well. So then we scheduled MEPs which is Military Enlistment Processing Station. Ssgt Reese picked me up early, like 3am and we drove to Boston. Then he dropped me off and said he would pick me up after. The day was long but fun, I enjoyed it. Talking to others that were enlisting in various branches. We did a lot of paperwork and background information, then medical which consisted of blood work, urine samples, the whole works. Then the fitness test which is more like a physician they make sure you're in good health and your body works property. Easy enough I had been running more and exercising to condition my knee. Sat around a lot, talked with others. To my surprise and disappointment a lot of these kids were in it for college and money or to "fuck shit up" "seems fun". I thought to myself "am I the only one here that just wants to serve my country with pride and dignity?" After all of that I met in the office for the guard and filled out a bible worth of paperwork which was just signatures initials and dates. Got a backpack a few handshakes and sent to a room with flags and a podium. I was then sworn in. The days and months following are confusing because I was scheduled to leave for basic in August and at this point it was around May. Was told to sit tight for instructions, that I would attend weekend drills till I shipped out. I didn't hear from my recruiter much and when I did he seemed shakey. Apparently paperwork was messed up and we were to keep quiet about my knee injury but he listed it on a form. It boiled down to me having to make a lot of phone calls and emails and talked to a Msgt morrisette who came to the house one day and we talked for a while. I was left with a difficult option, I had to admit to my injury and opt out. At this point the way the guard works is even though you are in and sworn in, you have until you graduate from basic to opt out without penalty. Those penalties including prison time and dishonor. I was young and honestly afraid. So I told him I will opt out. And so ended my very short and uneventful time in service. The only training I got was basic fitness a quick runthrough of firearms and such. Nothing fancy. But I am and always will be a proud military supporter.
Now to what keeps me up at night. The regret that I couldn't serve but the fear of well what if I did? Would I be here today? Did God and life have different plans for me for a reason? Maybe if I went I wouldn't have made it home. I just feel worthless because I didn't do my part for my country. I tried though, I truly did...
At a young age my walls were plastered with Marine Corp posters and cut outs from pamphlets and any other related material. I wanted to serve my country, do something with a purpose and sense of pride. I wanted to be a Marine, the first to fight, the most badass warriors on gods great earth! I studied about the Marine Corps, there history and heritage, how long boot camp was and what it entailed. I knew it wouldn't be easy, I knew it would take dedication and a lot of sacrifice and pain. But I wanted it bad, I wanted to earn that EGA and wear those dress blues proudly. I wanted more than anything to be a part of something greater than anything, to be a part of a brotherhood and stand tall and proud for this great nation. I wanted to be a United States Marine!
In 2009 I had settled back home after some trying years in college. Dealing with a hard breakup amoung other life difficulties. My brother Jared had shipped off to Parris Island and I was proud of him and equally jealous. At this point in my life I knew my knee would hold me back from being a Marine. I didn't let that stop me entirely, I wanted to serve. I explored my options, Marines were out, I couldn't skate through Parris Island with a bum knee. The Air Force didn't really capture my interest nor did the Navy. The Army I thought would be perfect, they have a long rich history. So then I thought well for my own sake and my families sanity maybe something part time would be best. Didn't think much about reserve so I decided on the guard, I'd be around Mass more. So I did the online inquiry and met with a recruiter.
The days following my meeting lead to more meetings, pick me up at the house grab breakfast or lunch on Uncle Sam and talk. Then talking turned to paperwork and background checks. I took the asvabs and scored something in the mid 80's. I wasn't sure at the time what that meant but my recruiter and the rest of them were all psyched for me. It was considered a high score and I could have almost any job that wasn't technical or aviation. Most people score between 50-70 and even that's considered good. Well I went back and forth with infantry, light wheel mechanic and police. I ended up choosing 31B which is military police. I was pumped!
More meetings and paperwork, did a basic fitness test and that went well. So then we scheduled MEPs which is Military Enlistment Processing Station. Ssgt Reese picked me up early, like 3am and we drove to Boston. Then he dropped me off and said he would pick me up after. The day was long but fun, I enjoyed it. Talking to others that were enlisting in various branches. We did a lot of paperwork and background information, then medical which consisted of blood work, urine samples, the whole works. Then the fitness test which is more like a physician they make sure you're in good health and your body works property. Easy enough I had been running more and exercising to condition my knee. Sat around a lot, talked with others. To my surprise and disappointment a lot of these kids were in it for college and money or to "fuck shit up" "seems fun". I thought to myself "am I the only one here that just wants to serve my country with pride and dignity?" After all of that I met in the office for the guard and filled out a bible worth of paperwork which was just signatures initials and dates. Got a backpack a few handshakes and sent to a room with flags and a podium. I was then sworn in. The days and months following are confusing because I was scheduled to leave for basic in August and at this point it was around May. Was told to sit tight for instructions, that I would attend weekend drills till I shipped out. I didn't hear from my recruiter much and when I did he seemed shakey. Apparently paperwork was messed up and we were to keep quiet about my knee injury but he listed it on a form. It boiled down to me having to make a lot of phone calls and emails and talked to a Msgt morrisette who came to the house one day and we talked for a while. I was left with a difficult option, I had to admit to my injury and opt out. At this point the way the guard works is even though you are in and sworn in, you have until you graduate from basic to opt out without penalty. Those penalties including prison time and dishonor. I was young and honestly afraid. So I told him I will opt out. And so ended my very short and uneventful time in service. The only training I got was basic fitness a quick runthrough of firearms and such. Nothing fancy. But I am and always will be a proud military supporter.
Now to what keeps me up at night. The regret that I couldn't serve but the fear of well what if I did? Would I be here today? Did God and life have different plans for me for a reason? Maybe if I went I wouldn't have made it home. I just feel worthless because I didn't do my part for my country. I tried though, I truly did...