free to be myself
Today was surprisingly really awesome. My parents wanted me to go see a psychologist to get psychologically examined for some reason or another. They still think I'm mentally ill I guess, either that or they are just trying to get some free money for my future and whatnot. Anyway, it ended up being really cool, because for once someone finally saw through all the bullcrap and realized that I am perfectly fine. The psychologist told me that my dad was the one with the problems, not me, and that the only reasons that I am the way I am is because of my family life and my lack of social life. I knew this was true all along, but it means so much to hear it from a psychologist. She told me that my only problem really is that I think way too much, but that is due to the fact of me being alone all the time, which she understood was not my choice. She told me that the best advice she could give me was to be independent when I turn 18 this June. That was really good to hear also, because I know that once I get a car and escape my dad, my life will be much easier. I seriously doubt I'll ever have to worry about becoming like my dad when I get older, he is the complete opposite of everything that is me and what I stand for. I want to succeed where he has failed, so I can show him that I'm not going to be just like him. He always wants to ruin my life and make me miserable any time that things seem to be going good for me, he can be so jealous it seems at times. There is still the remaining question of "Was I ever messed up in the head in the first place, or was it just a wrongful diagnosis from doctors?" Since about age 7, I've been told about how messed up I am, and forced to take these extremely strong drugs that I shouldn't be taking. I'm glad I've been off medication for a few years. It could have been the medication that messed me up and maybe I was fine in the first place, or maybe I just started to believe their lies, kinda like how you can make yourself sick if you believe you are. I don't know how this all started, whether it was always one big lie, or brought upon me somehow. It's all neurological diseases that can't even be medically or scientifically proven anyway, it's just a name they give for the statistics they have on people who act a certain way. They don't even have specific medicines to treat those mental disorders, they are all just medicines originally used for other purposes that they claim will also help these problems, it is still very unsafe. Who knows though, maybe I really was born with all that crap they said I had, all I know is that I am fine now. Oh yeah, and here is my false bullcrap diagnosis that my parents seem to still believe I have:
A psychotic manic depressive with attention deficit disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, Tourette's syndrome, and Asperger's syndrome.
The only thing true up their is the depression part, and that is only because of the situations I go through and all the strain that is put on my mind from thinking way too much, which also is the reason I can't sleep at night a lot of times, and is a result of my lack of a social life. All I need is to make some friends so I can hang out with people and not be lonely and depressed all the time, and to get away from my dad and the situations he puts me in. Moving in with my mom will solve that, and I should be driving not too long after I get out of school this June, then I will be free to live my own life without putting up with all of this medical bullcrap. So that is the last piece of the puzzle that I was trying to figure out, the last chapter to this story of confusion that I've been telling for so long. I've finally got it figured out, so now hopefully I can sleep at night and make something of this life of mine that I now understand. It's been a long time since I've felt this complete, I know who I am now, and I know what to do. Sorry this journal has been so depressing lately, I don't think it will be that way anymore...unless something else comes along, but I hope not. I'm quite happy, and I'm feeling good about myself. I am going to try to make this happiness last, and not give in and believe everyone else's lies about who I am. There's no reason for me to be so depressed anymore. I just have to make it for another three and a half months or so, when I'm completely on my own. I can do this.
A psychotic manic depressive with attention deficit disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, Tourette's syndrome, and Asperger's syndrome.
The only thing true up their is the depression part, and that is only because of the situations I go through and all the strain that is put on my mind from thinking way too much, which also is the reason I can't sleep at night a lot of times, and is a result of my lack of a social life. All I need is to make some friends so I can hang out with people and not be lonely and depressed all the time, and to get away from my dad and the situations he puts me in. Moving in with my mom will solve that, and I should be driving not too long after I get out of school this June, then I will be free to live my own life without putting up with all of this medical bullcrap. So that is the last piece of the puzzle that I was trying to figure out, the last chapter to this story of confusion that I've been telling for so long. I've finally got it figured out, so now hopefully I can sleep at night and make something of this life of mine that I now understand. It's been a long time since I've felt this complete, I know who I am now, and I know what to do. Sorry this journal has been so depressing lately, I don't think it will be that way anymore...unless something else comes along, but I hope not. I'm quite happy, and I'm feeling good about myself. I am going to try to make this happiness last, and not give in and believe everyone else's lies about who I am. There's no reason for me to be so depressed anymore. I just have to make it for another three and a half months or so, when I'm completely on my own. I can do this.