I think I died a long time ago
I just don't know what to do with myself. I know what I should do, but that is not what I want to do. Why can't things be easy? I hate putting so much effort into things, only to be let down once again. But if I don't put effort into things, my life goes nowhere. It seems so pointless, you can continuously try and fail, or you can learn to be comfortable in a state of failure. I guess I picked the second option, because at least it is predictable. There's nowhere to go but down from here. I wish there was another way...wait there is, I'm just too stubborn and prideful to take it. I just wish that things would pay off, but I gave up a long time ago. If only the outcome was viewable, which would make the goal reachable. I wish I could somehow kill myself with the promise of a new life, in which I could start over but retain all of the knowledge I have already received. Even if that could happen, I think I still wouldn't be able to change things. I guess I gotta just face the facts, my life sucks and it doesn't appear to be getting better anytime soon. What am I even living for? Well, that is an easy answer, I'm living for myself. That might not be true though, I hate myself, so I guess I'm living for other people, people I haven't met yet...ones I hope I meet soon...people that understand me, care about me, and are willing to help me. Maybe I'm not living at all. Do I even deserve love? Am I worth anything to anyone? If the answer is yes, then why? And if so, why has it been so hard, and the wait so long? I feel like a puppet, playing out some kind of cruel fate planned out by the hands that control me from above...but I honestly think those hands are mine. I think I'm loosing at my own game, refusing to believe that I'm in control of my own failure. ...and still I continue to play this foolish game.