(no subject)
I've been depressed for a while now. It's exhausting. It's the kind of depression that brings physical pain along with it. I'm tired all the time. I need to get out of the house, yet have zero desire to do so. I'm supposed to go up to Denton on Sunday and I don't physically feel up to it. Everything hurts too much.
Right now it just feels like it's never going to end. I have an appointment with a new doctor on the 29th. It seems my old doctor may be committing some light Medicaid fraud, so I had to find a new doctor because I couldn't afford the extra money he was charging (that he's not legally allowed to charge) so I get to go to another doctor and listen while she tells me how unhealthy I am.
My Medicare deductible reset, so I get to figure out how to pay for my glucose test strips. There were other bills this month, so they're on hold, as is pretty much everything else. I'm tired of being this broke. This is what make arguments about "Wellfare Queens" and people "milking disability" are laughable. We don't need a kick in the pants. We need help. If we were able to do better than this, we would... immediately. It's miserable. Add to the misery of being broke the shame society demands of you for being on disability and it's just loads of fun, I assure you.
I want to try to date again, because the loneliness is soul crushing. The flipside of that is that I am physically unable to get around and have no real income to go on dates. Complicating this is a self loathing that has reached epic levels. I feel ugly. I feel like the fat is pretty much all I am. I may actually be at my heaviest weight ever right now. I can't get to the gym to walk in the pool. Using my stairs as exercise is out. I can barely make it up and down once, and I don't do it without pain killers. I hope this doctor is a little better about pain management. It's really hard for disabled people to get adequate pain management. Everyone wants to prevent us from becoming junkies, but they want us to exercise more. The problem is that exercise is excruciating, which is why a lot of us can't do it.
I can't sleep. I have bottles of pills, but the insomnia has gotten increasingly worse. Taking more pills would be a bad idea, as I'm at pretty high doses anti-insomnia and anti-anxiety drugs already. So, I'm up until dawn, usually eating, because while day time is lonely, night time is REALLY lonely.
I don't think I'm outright suicidal. I don't have any specific plans to kill myself. I definitely think everyone would be better off without me pleading for money every two months. I wouldn't feel like I hated myself and everyone else hates me. Being in fat in public is awful. It's nearly indescribably horrifying. People stare and comment like I don't already know how disgusting I am. Yes, I know n o one can ever love me like this. Yes, I know I take up too much room. Yes, I know I go to slow. Yes, I know I sweat too much even in the cold. Yes, I know your children are scared of me and view me with disgust.
I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight. There's room for a little increase in ativan before things get too risky. I don't want to get overly dependent, but I desperately need some sleep. I can't sit up eating and watching Sports Center over and over another night in a row.
Right now it just feels like it's never going to end. I have an appointment with a new doctor on the 29th. It seems my old doctor may be committing some light Medicaid fraud, so I had to find a new doctor because I couldn't afford the extra money he was charging (that he's not legally allowed to charge) so I get to go to another doctor and listen while she tells me how unhealthy I am.
My Medicare deductible reset, so I get to figure out how to pay for my glucose test strips. There were other bills this month, so they're on hold, as is pretty much everything else. I'm tired of being this broke. This is what make arguments about "Wellfare Queens" and people "milking disability" are laughable. We don't need a kick in the pants. We need help. If we were able to do better than this, we would... immediately. It's miserable. Add to the misery of being broke the shame society demands of you for being on disability and it's just loads of fun, I assure you.
I want to try to date again, because the loneliness is soul crushing. The flipside of that is that I am physically unable to get around and have no real income to go on dates. Complicating this is a self loathing that has reached epic levels. I feel ugly. I feel like the fat is pretty much all I am. I may actually be at my heaviest weight ever right now. I can't get to the gym to walk in the pool. Using my stairs as exercise is out. I can barely make it up and down once, and I don't do it without pain killers. I hope this doctor is a little better about pain management. It's really hard for disabled people to get adequate pain management. Everyone wants to prevent us from becoming junkies, but they want us to exercise more. The problem is that exercise is excruciating, which is why a lot of us can't do it.
I can't sleep. I have bottles of pills, but the insomnia has gotten increasingly worse. Taking more pills would be a bad idea, as I'm at pretty high doses anti-insomnia and anti-anxiety drugs already. So, I'm up until dawn, usually eating, because while day time is lonely, night time is REALLY lonely.
I don't think I'm outright suicidal. I don't have any specific plans to kill myself. I definitely think everyone would be better off without me pleading for money every two months. I wouldn't feel like I hated myself and everyone else hates me. Being in fat in public is awful. It's nearly indescribably horrifying. People stare and comment like I don't already know how disgusting I am. Yes, I know n o one can ever love me like this. Yes, I know I take up too much room. Yes, I know I go to slow. Yes, I know I sweat too much even in the cold. Yes, I know your children are scared of me and view me with disgust.
I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight. There's room for a little increase in ativan before things get too risky. I don't want to get overly dependent, but I desperately need some sleep. I can't sit up eating and watching Sports Center over and over another night in a row.