X-Posted from Myspace
I, for one, am shocked and appalled. No, really...shocked and appalled.
So, I was feeling like shit last night...got a bit sick. I'm feeling ten times better today. Sadie's dad and Sadie were munching down on these Vitamin C cough drops and I was all about those. They made my throat stop hurting and ultimately put me in a better mood. I took some Tylenol and any fever I had broke by four or so, when I went to sleep the second time. I just ended up laying around reading Jurassic Park and passing time.
This afternoon, I'm sitting here trying to figure out where I went wrong. I ended up having a semi-nervous breakdown on the way over to Michelle's, cried for a few minutes and just screamed all the frustration away. It was nice. Even though my throat is killing me again. But anyways, figured I'd let everyone know what's up so they don't think I'm mentally unstable...or something equally retarded...seeing as how I'm irresponsible what with my smoking and whatnot...
But anyways, on that note, if you don't want to hear it...don't read any further. I'm fully entitled to bitch when I feel like it, which lately has been an awful lot.
I have never understood how I can keep my mouth shut for months on end, keeping my cool, making what I can only describe as a noble attempt on civility and then I get treated like the bad guy when I have one moment where I feel like I need to vent or explode. Well, let me enlighten all of you on a little fact...I'm pregnant, very much so as a matter of fact...but had you all been here, you'd know that, now wouldn't you? Now, I try very hard not to use this as a crutch on my mental stability but I can tell you that that makes me a TAD more on edge than I normally am. And considering I've never been one to roll over and take it up the ass, why in God's name are you surprised? Oh, but that brings me to the point that was made to me how I made it "impossible" to have a decent conversation. So all those times when I made personal contact or attempts on getting you or anyone involved again, that was...my sneaky little way of sliding your feet out from under you and treating you like a big bag of nothing? Trust me, I can slide your feet out from under you if I really wanted to. I can do a lot of things at this point if I REALLY wanted to. But no, I didn't listen to friends, family and my own heart and attempted months of excruciating attempts on negotiating, which by the way was not at all made easy for me in any way shape or form.
Then, here's the real kicker. Finding oneself. Okay, guys, there are more than one of you out there and I'm going to tell you all the same thing. If you haven't made any progress with finding yourself after several months (or years for some) you might want to do yourself a favor. Look in the goddamn mirror. See the person that is staring back at you with a blank expression on their face? That is the person you are bound to be. Because if you were even remotely serious on changing yourself and becoming a "better person" or "a recovering drug addict" you would have done it by now. I'll go on ahead and put myself out there as a prime example. I wasn't serious for a few years on becoming that recovering drug addict...it took a serious slap across the face and a lot of dedication to leave my friends behind, stop the drugs and make myself into someone I could respect again. But you know what? When I was actually serious about it...it didn't take a year or two or three to find that person that wanted to change. I WAS that person that wanted to change from day one. And I did change. I gained some weight, I got my personality back (although I can say that it still has some flaws, such as this nasty temper of mine) but ultimately, I was no longer that feening little bitch who just wanted another hit. For those of you that are parent's or are working on becoming parent's...your time to find yourself is over. There is no more soul-searching after this point. Because if it takes you time to figure out that what you need to be is Mommy or Daddy to this little child that did nothing to make your life the way it is...then there is something WRONG with you. There is something wrong with someone who can consistently blame their soul-searching experiences when they don't step up to the expectations of parenting...whether it be mothers or fathers. I thought I was going to be that mother for a while. But you know what? That first ultrasound made me realize that I had a responsibility...and I want to be there for this kidlet more than anything else in the world. And it's not just the pregnancy that did it...it's a look back at my past and realizing that I did not want that for my child. Those who don't remember their past are doomed to repeat it. Remember THAT if nothing else.
And last but not least, if the general consensus of a large group of people seems to be that you aren't worth the time in our society...chances are that you aren't. Maybe there is actually something wrong with the way you do things...not with the way people are thinking. Maybe, just maybe, these people know what the hell they are talking about and have actually come to this conclusion after many a time of trying not to look at the negatives and only coming out with more...
Then again, maybe not...but just wanted to point out that that fact is pretty slim.
Anyways, I'm done ranting now. I'm going to get back to my irresponsible pregnancy hormones
So, I was feeling like shit last night...got a bit sick. I'm feeling ten times better today. Sadie's dad and Sadie were munching down on these Vitamin C cough drops and I was all about those. They made my throat stop hurting and ultimately put me in a better mood. I took some Tylenol and any fever I had broke by four or so, when I went to sleep the second time. I just ended up laying around reading Jurassic Park and passing time.
This afternoon, I'm sitting here trying to figure out where I went wrong. I ended up having a semi-nervous breakdown on the way over to Michelle's, cried for a few minutes and just screamed all the frustration away. It was nice. Even though my throat is killing me again. But anyways, figured I'd let everyone know what's up so they don't think I'm mentally unstable...or something equally retarded...seeing as how I'm irresponsible what with my smoking and whatnot...
But anyways, on that note, if you don't want to hear it...don't read any further. I'm fully entitled to bitch when I feel like it, which lately has been an awful lot.
I have never understood how I can keep my mouth shut for months on end, keeping my cool, making what I can only describe as a noble attempt on civility and then I get treated like the bad guy when I have one moment where I feel like I need to vent or explode. Well, let me enlighten all of you on a little fact...I'm pregnant, very much so as a matter of fact...but had you all been here, you'd know that, now wouldn't you? Now, I try very hard not to use this as a crutch on my mental stability but I can tell you that that makes me a TAD more on edge than I normally am. And considering I've never been one to roll over and take it up the ass, why in God's name are you surprised? Oh, but that brings me to the point that was made to me how I made it "impossible" to have a decent conversation. So all those times when I made personal contact or attempts on getting you or anyone involved again, that was...my sneaky little way of sliding your feet out from under you and treating you like a big bag of nothing? Trust me, I can slide your feet out from under you if I really wanted to. I can do a lot of things at this point if I REALLY wanted to. But no, I didn't listen to friends, family and my own heart and attempted months of excruciating attempts on negotiating, which by the way was not at all made easy for me in any way shape or form.
Then, here's the real kicker. Finding oneself. Okay, guys, there are more than one of you out there and I'm going to tell you all the same thing. If you haven't made any progress with finding yourself after several months (or years for some) you might want to do yourself a favor. Look in the goddamn mirror. See the person that is staring back at you with a blank expression on their face? That is the person you are bound to be. Because if you were even remotely serious on changing yourself and becoming a "better person" or "a recovering drug addict" you would have done it by now. I'll go on ahead and put myself out there as a prime example. I wasn't serious for a few years on becoming that recovering drug addict...it took a serious slap across the face and a lot of dedication to leave my friends behind, stop the drugs and make myself into someone I could respect again. But you know what? When I was actually serious about it...it didn't take a year or two or three to find that person that wanted to change. I WAS that person that wanted to change from day one. And I did change. I gained some weight, I got my personality back (although I can say that it still has some flaws, such as this nasty temper of mine) but ultimately, I was no longer that feening little bitch who just wanted another hit. For those of you that are parent's or are working on becoming parent's...your time to find yourself is over. There is no more soul-searching after this point. Because if it takes you time to figure out that what you need to be is Mommy or Daddy to this little child that did nothing to make your life the way it is...then there is something WRONG with you. There is something wrong with someone who can consistently blame their soul-searching experiences when they don't step up to the expectations of parenting...whether it be mothers or fathers. I thought I was going to be that mother for a while. But you know what? That first ultrasound made me realize that I had a responsibility...and I want to be there for this kidlet more than anything else in the world. And it's not just the pregnancy that did it...it's a look back at my past and realizing that I did not want that for my child. Those who don't remember their past are doomed to repeat it. Remember THAT if nothing else.
And last but not least, if the general consensus of a large group of people seems to be that you aren't worth the time in our society...chances are that you aren't. Maybe there is actually something wrong with the way you do things...not with the way people are thinking. Maybe, just maybe, these people know what the hell they are talking about and have actually come to this conclusion after many a time of trying not to look at the negatives and only coming out with more...
Then again, maybe not...but just wanted to point out that that fact is pretty slim.
Anyways, I'm done ranting now. I'm going to get back to my irresponsible pregnancy hormones