"I'm responsible for all of them!"
The following is written as an exercise in self improvement, and as such is not demanding of your attention. It is offered, without social obligation or expectation, in such a public forum only due to it's therapeutic value to me. Read if you so choose, but don't read if you so choose as well.
I know what finally sparked it and it's been a long time coming. The one thing I think I actually do restrain myself from writing in here is the good. It's something that's long overdue and I don't know how to put it here because it's coming from a very negative and hurt place right now, and also because it's an issue of privacy. Ironically the one who sparked this is one of the ones this isn't directed at...
Kristie is amazing. No ones seems to understand how much she truly cares- the kind words she says on the occasion she opens up to that deeper sanctum she's probably afraid to let others into sometimes. That is not even including how she openly is always trying to reach out to those around her. Some people have done and said some pretty Effed up thins to her in her life, and the ones she does speak any ill of is in their best interest to grow as person... NOT from malice or even the hurt and wrongs they have caused her. It comes from a place that hopes the one who wronged her can see the err of their ways- not so they can make it right with her, but so they can learn and grow from it for themselves. Genuine selflessness she doesn't recognize in herself- or how rare it is when it's so pure.
One such example that comes to mind for personal reasons is how gossip and what I have to assume is jealousy from friends and even family on so many levels all her life, and while this may be true in some way of anyone, I've never known anyone who takes it so positively or turned out so well without bitterness or anger in my life. Not in unhealthy ways, mind you- but because she cares. I'm so tired and have been so tired through four years of going out and now the almost year after of seeing people who don't know what they're doing, saying, or even thinking at all pass judgments and criticisms towards her- even gossip and lies or just cruel and hypocritical ill words about her character. You don't know and have never known who Kristie is...
That sounds like a direct statement, and it is and it isn't. It' not directed towards anyone specific, but if it applies damn it all then I want you to hear it. I'm not attentive and I'm certainly not a gossip- I don't know who says what about who and mostly I don't care... but I know Kristie has taken a lot of dirty stares, back handed comments and even overheard some pretty foul things about her that she had to take in stride because she isn't that kind of person and never has been. When we WERE going out I know people made comments about how she treated me- not to me or her- when that's OUR business, and if you have something to say tell it to one of US! 'Cause I was never made uncomfortable by the way Kristie acted towards me or any of our friends but I know there were people who would pass judgment and hide behind doing so in my defense and it's a load of crap I don't want to be affiliated with. I've waited a long time to get that out after havin to hear a lot of second and third hand anonymous comments made and not knowing how to say back off- I don't know anyone with character to Rival Kristie's and if they want to judge her they aren't going to get far.
Too little too late is right. I still wish I'd have made some kind of statement to someone when this was more applicable. At one point The Well was one of the most gossiping social constructs I'd evr witnessed in my life, which says something after being heavily involved in a high school theatre group for 4 years. I could never pin point it or recognize it in the moment or even fully appreciate how mad it made me when I did hear about it, but something made my blood boil that I didn't know how to just stand up and tell everyone who said ill about Kristie to go eff themselves. Judging her because she has male friends who aren't me- I'm one of the most jealous, over protective, distruster-of-menfolk I know, and if she was doing something wrong that would be an issue between me and her... but not one ever talked to her about it, and I know they didn't talk to me! I wasn't bothered, so how do other people think they have the right to use it as a way to talk to each other about Kristie behind her back?
My previous rant became more specifically about a time hopefully long past, but my originl thoughts were just on how people come to conclusions about her as long as I've known her that couldn't be farther off base and don't tell me 'cause they think I'm ignorant or stupid or just don't have the guts to come clean when if they did I'd set them straight 'cause they're wrong. Obviously they don't talk to Kristie and I don't know how she'd respond because she's so nice and self depracating. Maybe I'm crazy on some of this and no one does that, but it sure seems like it and I don't like it, not that it's any of my business anymore. I never get the chance to just say how happy she made me or how sincere she was because of all the negative she gets in social circles I always feel like I'm trying to defend something when she hasn't done something wrong and talking about it like that- hell leading UP to talking about it, really, already feels so freeing. Kristie doesn't have anything to hide and no one would know better than me... so stop thinking you know better because you don't. I'm not stupid. I don't always pay attention well but I'm not blind or completely oblivious and... well for crying out loud if you thought I was talk to me about it! If you have a problem with her talk to HER about it. I'm sick of the tension in the air about it. It choked me sometimes and made it hard to just be someone who cared about her, let alone be her boyfriend. Ugh- I'm not anymore. I don't forget. It's not like that. My problem is I'm dealing with an issue I didn't know how to deal with when it was present, and now that it's not I find it still bothers me. Not much to lose now, I guess. Still makes me sick. I care about her so much and I know I always will- I just don't know what to do about it... As I've been trying to describe sometimes when we were going out I didn't know how to deal with it then, so I guess that's something that hasn't changed.
When someone wise or important tells you you're special and unique- they say it differently when talking to Kristie. I don't know how else to say she's not your run-of-the-mill unique, extraordinary and unbelievable girl with unmatched sincerity and kindness. Kristie shouldered so much when we were going out that I was just too immature to deal with and would dump on her constantly without meaning apologizing or giving her a break. I don't know how to put that kind of quality into words because it wasn't the product of self-defeatist attitude or her upbringing teaching her to treat others right at all costs to yourself or any of that- Kristie learned to be an amazing person by figuring out what to do right. Ugh- That doesn't really seem lik it make sense, but if you knew you'd know and it would make sense. I don't know how many tims Kristie never paid a thought to what could become of her spending days with me while I had fevers in the triple digits to the point of hallucinating not to mention vomitting and all the other perks that come from being SUPER sick, just to be there for me so I wouldn't have to be sick alone with something clearly contagious. Wouldn't take no for an answer- wouldn't let there be a question and she took care of me so well I didn't know how to ask her not to be there- try as I might to put together a reason she should leave and stay healthy.
Sometimes I forget she's just a human- that sounds effing insane and I don't mean it literally, but I feel like people come down on her when she isn't this perfect, needless supreme being and try to explain that as her being horrible. Even now, I recognize how classic case of... what is it called when someone idealizes someone and can't see them clearly- it looks like that so clearly but I know it's not... it's just that hard to believe... THIS is where I feel like I Can't talk about how deeplo loved and cared for I was by Kristie because it sounds like it's coming from a crazy person- more specifically like one Kristie trained and nothing could be farther than the truth.
I've needed to get that out for a long time. Now the clearly related issue of needing to move on, haha. Kristie does seem really happy with Matt. I'm very glad she's happy- still not completely comfortable about everything after and including with- nothing against him. He's a great guy who has shown he really cares for her, they share a lot of common interests and seems to genuinely make her happy. He's just not me and that's where my head has been a lot lately. I also recognize I'm still doing a lot of unhealthy comparisons which are always mood boosters. For once I can at least appreciate this fact while still recognizing that I need to move on. I still bounce around a lot, but it's becoming more like a meld since the desire to revert has been so prominent... it's like the worst of all worlds since I'm all over the board at the SAME time instead of day to day. Last few days has been the every girl I come into contact with, which is swell. My mind goes places I'm usually good at recognizing as off limits. I also at the same time recognize that my head is so messed up I need need NEED to be single for a long time right now. I THINK I MIGHT be a LITTLE more ok with than I have been... stupid hypocrite self.
Lent hit, and while I forgot/wasn't paying attention and had to start late, I'm going for the triple threat like I've been doing the last couple years. As always I give a shot at using this as an opportunity to break free of my addiction, so that's one. Two, I could use any excuse or drive to work out, so "inactivity" is two, which I set a minimum workout quota for each day. This year I'm going back to my original of 50 push ups a day. Lastly is still health related, but I'm shooting for all deserts. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm hoping the effort I'm putting into better myself by getting rid of the "stress relievers" will actually give me some fulfillment. Big revelation for me was that I realized when I was with Kristie I had something I didn't understand. They always say you don't what yo have until you lose it, and I always knew I had a great girl- I thought I knew what I had long before I lost it, but I didn't realize that never in my life had I felt fulfillment in everything I did like I did when I was with Kristie, and that's what's been missing in my life. Gaming, hanging out, things I do that make me happy still make me happy, so I'm not just depressed... it's that nothing, no matter how happy it makes me, lets me feel fulfilling anymore. In high school (applicable as I constantly feel like I'm reverting to high school days, especially while LJing) I know some of the greatest feelings came from when I was able to, even for period of time kick bad habits, especially spiritually destructive habits. Getting into better shape and putting my first concentrated effort to overcoming my addiction in some time could be worlds more valuable than the quick stress relief of candy or ice cream, the enjoyment of laziness or the guilt and self hate that comes with compromise.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep I just want to keep writing more and more. I really think I may have crossed a line into Kristie's personal bubble with this entry, but I needed this. I'm holding on to shortcoming not only from when we were going out, but that may not even be or have ever been applicable... and I need to be able to say Kristie is the best thing tha ever happened to me for me, not just for her, though it's nice. Not to feel like it's a defense or people are judging or at least to not care because I Want to express it because it's true. Now I'll figure out where to go next.
Blah-blechidy glech. Life's not bad. Really, it isn't. Even at my lwoest I still can't wait for the things that do bring me joy. My party tomorrow, D&D eventually, zombie killery, hanging out with my bros and sis. Life is so worth living and we always, ALWAYS have the ability to at least move in that direction in our grasp- even if we need some people to ultimately help us, the first step, event the smallest and slightest, is in our hands 24/7. That's a beautiful thing. Life is a beautiful thing and it feels more and more worth living every day. Nothing, no pain or hardship, is worth giving up on all of this for. Nothing. I'm trying right now! That's why I write in here and it's what I'm working on. I falter, I take steps back, I blow it and I get really REALLY depressed... I'll never stay down and please don't you let that ever happen to you- and if it has, don't let it happen again. Thank you God for everyday. Thank you for every opportunity. Thank you for everybody. All of 'em. I have the power to do this right and I'm going to as best I can.
The screen is spinning, and it has since like the second LJ cut. I wish I had time to explain why I'm so tired and how I really nearly died today- but I need to sleep. I've blown the 2 O'clock goal en route to my 1 O'clock goal pretty hard the last couple days and today is no exception. I'm terrified to reread this and I have so much more to say- maybe I'll talk to real people about these things someday, LJ. For now I need to make myself sleep, this is becoming more and more surreal and I don't like the thought of having to read this again. Did I say that already? Time for sleep... Please forgive me, please be happy, please don't forget about me, and please do it right this time........... Who are you talking to? Do you even know? I think I did. Help? Maybe not.
I know what finally sparked it and it's been a long time coming. The one thing I think I actually do restrain myself from writing in here is the good. It's something that's long overdue and I don't know how to put it here because it's coming from a very negative and hurt place right now, and also because it's an issue of privacy. Ironically the one who sparked this is one of the ones this isn't directed at...
Kristie is amazing. No ones seems to understand how much she truly cares- the kind words she says on the occasion she opens up to that deeper sanctum she's probably afraid to let others into sometimes. That is not even including how she openly is always trying to reach out to those around her. Some people have done and said some pretty Effed up thins to her in her life, and the ones she does speak any ill of is in their best interest to grow as person... NOT from malice or even the hurt and wrongs they have caused her. It comes from a place that hopes the one who wronged her can see the err of their ways- not so they can make it right with her, but so they can learn and grow from it for themselves. Genuine selflessness she doesn't recognize in herself- or how rare it is when it's so pure.
One such example that comes to mind for personal reasons is how gossip and what I have to assume is jealousy from friends and even family on so many levels all her life, and while this may be true in some way of anyone, I've never known anyone who takes it so positively or turned out so well without bitterness or anger in my life. Not in unhealthy ways, mind you- but because she cares. I'm so tired and have been so tired through four years of going out and now the almost year after of seeing people who don't know what they're doing, saying, or even thinking at all pass judgments and criticisms towards her- even gossip and lies or just cruel and hypocritical ill words about her character. You don't know and have never known who Kristie is...
That sounds like a direct statement, and it is and it isn't. It' not directed towards anyone specific, but if it applies damn it all then I want you to hear it. I'm not attentive and I'm certainly not a gossip- I don't know who says what about who and mostly I don't care... but I know Kristie has taken a lot of dirty stares, back handed comments and even overheard some pretty foul things about her that she had to take in stride because she isn't that kind of person and never has been. When we WERE going out I know people made comments about how she treated me- not to me or her- when that's OUR business, and if you have something to say tell it to one of US! 'Cause I was never made uncomfortable by the way Kristie acted towards me or any of our friends but I know there were people who would pass judgment and hide behind doing so in my defense and it's a load of crap I don't want to be affiliated with. I've waited a long time to get that out after havin to hear a lot of second and third hand anonymous comments made and not knowing how to say back off- I don't know anyone with character to Rival Kristie's and if they want to judge her they aren't going to get far.
Too little too late is right. I still wish I'd have made some kind of statement to someone when this was more applicable. At one point The Well was one of the most gossiping social constructs I'd evr witnessed in my life, which says something after being heavily involved in a high school theatre group for 4 years. I could never pin point it or recognize it in the moment or even fully appreciate how mad it made me when I did hear about it, but something made my blood boil that I didn't know how to just stand up and tell everyone who said ill about Kristie to go eff themselves. Judging her because she has male friends who aren't me- I'm one of the most jealous, over protective, distruster-of-menfolk I know, and if she was doing something wrong that would be an issue between me and her... but not one ever talked to her about it, and I know they didn't talk to me! I wasn't bothered, so how do other people think they have the right to use it as a way to talk to each other about Kristie behind her back?
My previous rant became more specifically about a time hopefully long past, but my originl thoughts were just on how people come to conclusions about her as long as I've known her that couldn't be farther off base and don't tell me 'cause they think I'm ignorant or stupid or just don't have the guts to come clean when if they did I'd set them straight 'cause they're wrong. Obviously they don't talk to Kristie and I don't know how she'd respond because she's so nice and self depracating. Maybe I'm crazy on some of this and no one does that, but it sure seems like it and I don't like it, not that it's any of my business anymore. I never get the chance to just say how happy she made me or how sincere she was because of all the negative she gets in social circles I always feel like I'm trying to defend something when she hasn't done something wrong and talking about it like that- hell leading UP to talking about it, really, already feels so freeing. Kristie doesn't have anything to hide and no one would know better than me... so stop thinking you know better because you don't. I'm not stupid. I don't always pay attention well but I'm not blind or completely oblivious and... well for crying out loud if you thought I was talk to me about it! If you have a problem with her talk to HER about it. I'm sick of the tension in the air about it. It choked me sometimes and made it hard to just be someone who cared about her, let alone be her boyfriend. Ugh- I'm not anymore. I don't forget. It's not like that. My problem is I'm dealing with an issue I didn't know how to deal with when it was present, and now that it's not I find it still bothers me. Not much to lose now, I guess. Still makes me sick. I care about her so much and I know I always will- I just don't know what to do about it... As I've been trying to describe sometimes when we were going out I didn't know how to deal with it then, so I guess that's something that hasn't changed.
When someone wise or important tells you you're special and unique- they say it differently when talking to Kristie. I don't know how else to say she's not your run-of-the-mill unique, extraordinary and unbelievable girl with unmatched sincerity and kindness. Kristie shouldered so much when we were going out that I was just too immature to deal with and would dump on her constantly without meaning apologizing or giving her a break. I don't know how to put that kind of quality into words because it wasn't the product of self-defeatist attitude or her upbringing teaching her to treat others right at all costs to yourself or any of that- Kristie learned to be an amazing person by figuring out what to do right. Ugh- That doesn't really seem lik it make sense, but if you knew you'd know and it would make sense. I don't know how many tims Kristie never paid a thought to what could become of her spending days with me while I had fevers in the triple digits to the point of hallucinating not to mention vomitting and all the other perks that come from being SUPER sick, just to be there for me so I wouldn't have to be sick alone with something clearly contagious. Wouldn't take no for an answer- wouldn't let there be a question and she took care of me so well I didn't know how to ask her not to be there- try as I might to put together a reason she should leave and stay healthy.
Sometimes I forget she's just a human- that sounds effing insane and I don't mean it literally, but I feel like people come down on her when she isn't this perfect, needless supreme being and try to explain that as her being horrible. Even now, I recognize how classic case of... what is it called when someone idealizes someone and can't see them clearly- it looks like that so clearly but I know it's not... it's just that hard to believe... THIS is where I feel like I Can't talk about how deeplo loved and cared for I was by Kristie because it sounds like it's coming from a crazy person- more specifically like one Kristie trained and nothing could be farther than the truth.
I've needed to get that out for a long time. Now the clearly related issue of needing to move on, haha. Kristie does seem really happy with Matt. I'm very glad she's happy- still not completely comfortable about everything after and including with- nothing against him. He's a great guy who has shown he really cares for her, they share a lot of common interests and seems to genuinely make her happy. He's just not me and that's where my head has been a lot lately. I also recognize I'm still doing a lot of unhealthy comparisons which are always mood boosters. For once I can at least appreciate this fact while still recognizing that I need to move on. I still bounce around a lot, but it's becoming more like a meld since the desire to revert has been so prominent... it's like the worst of all worlds since I'm all over the board at the SAME time instead of day to day. Last few days has been the every girl I come into contact with, which is swell. My mind goes places I'm usually good at recognizing as off limits. I also at the same time recognize that my head is so messed up I need need NEED to be single for a long time right now. I THINK I MIGHT be a LITTLE more ok with than I have been... stupid hypocrite self.
Lent hit, and while I forgot/wasn't paying attention and had to start late, I'm going for the triple threat like I've been doing the last couple years. As always I give a shot at using this as an opportunity to break free of my addiction, so that's one. Two, I could use any excuse or drive to work out, so "inactivity" is two, which I set a minimum workout quota for each day. This year I'm going back to my original of 50 push ups a day. Lastly is still health related, but I'm shooting for all deserts. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm hoping the effort I'm putting into better myself by getting rid of the "stress relievers" will actually give me some fulfillment. Big revelation for me was that I realized when I was with Kristie I had something I didn't understand. They always say you don't what yo have until you lose it, and I always knew I had a great girl- I thought I knew what I had long before I lost it, but I didn't realize that never in my life had I felt fulfillment in everything I did like I did when I was with Kristie, and that's what's been missing in my life. Gaming, hanging out, things I do that make me happy still make me happy, so I'm not just depressed... it's that nothing, no matter how happy it makes me, lets me feel fulfilling anymore. In high school (applicable as I constantly feel like I'm reverting to high school days, especially while LJing) I know some of the greatest feelings came from when I was able to, even for period of time kick bad habits, especially spiritually destructive habits. Getting into better shape and putting my first concentrated effort to overcoming my addiction in some time could be worlds more valuable than the quick stress relief of candy or ice cream, the enjoyment of laziness or the guilt and self hate that comes with compromise.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep I just want to keep writing more and more. I really think I may have crossed a line into Kristie's personal bubble with this entry, but I needed this. I'm holding on to shortcoming not only from when we were going out, but that may not even be or have ever been applicable... and I need to be able to say Kristie is the best thing tha ever happened to me for me, not just for her, though it's nice. Not to feel like it's a defense or people are judging or at least to not care because I Want to express it because it's true. Now I'll figure out where to go next.
Blah-blechidy glech. Life's not bad. Really, it isn't. Even at my lwoest I still can't wait for the things that do bring me joy. My party tomorrow, D&D eventually, zombie killery, hanging out with my bros and sis. Life is so worth living and we always, ALWAYS have the ability to at least move in that direction in our grasp- even if we need some people to ultimately help us, the first step, event the smallest and slightest, is in our hands 24/7. That's a beautiful thing. Life is a beautiful thing and it feels more and more worth living every day. Nothing, no pain or hardship, is worth giving up on all of this for. Nothing. I'm trying right now! That's why I write in here and it's what I'm working on. I falter, I take steps back, I blow it and I get really REALLY depressed... I'll never stay down and please don't you let that ever happen to you- and if it has, don't let it happen again. Thank you God for everyday. Thank you for every opportunity. Thank you for everybody. All of 'em. I have the power to do this right and I'm going to as best I can.
The screen is spinning, and it has since like the second LJ cut. I wish I had time to explain why I'm so tired and how I really nearly died today- but I need to sleep. I've blown the 2 O'clock goal en route to my 1 O'clock goal pretty hard the last couple days and today is no exception. I'm terrified to reread this and I have so much more to say- maybe I'll talk to real people about these things someday, LJ. For now I need to make myself sleep, this is becoming more and more surreal and I don't like the thought of having to read this again. Did I say that already? Time for sleep... Please forgive me, please be happy, please don't forget about me, and please do it right this time........... Who are you talking to? Do you even know? I think I did. Help? Maybe not.