In leiu of health
The following is written with the intent of personal growth- growth for me the writer. It is not intended to create social obligations- obligations for you the reader. Please don't read this is you are uninterested or simply feel you have better things to do- it's mostly for me, and for others as an after thought.
I've been talking lately- lately isn't very descriptive, I think the last time I updated was before Christmas on here. Anyway, I've been talking with people which is a one up for me, and on one of these occasions with Kristie, we discussed how she'd read these entries because I told her I was updating again. Her response was that, 1 she would refrain from reading in the fuure so that I may use it as an opportunity to vent knowing she will not read without guilt for not telling her, but also 2 that her only comment or criticism, if you could call it that, was that I am constantly censoring and blocking and trying to be politically correct even in what should be a freeing and expressive exercise. This is my attempt to do that. I will be more forthcoming and blunt. I may be vulgar and even crude, but I will still be respectful of personal bounds of others- perhaps less so then normal, but in no way invasive. It's an expression of emotions and feelings and may not, and likely won't, reflect my true feelings or thoughts on anything. I need this right now.
One thing I've been avoiding facing is my addiction. As I discussed before I struggle with an internet porn addiction- one I've been struggling with since I was 12 years old. It wracks me with guilt and makes me feel ill- it drives at me with urges and it comes at me with excuses. I often imply it's a coping mechanism, but even that isn't true. Maybe it serves as that on occasion, but more than likely the reason I need to cope is just the excuse to feed the addiction. I succumb to the temptation when depressed, when happy, when busy, when bored, when tired, when awake, when angry, when hurt, when scared, when confused, when feeling defeated or on top of the world. It's NOT a coping mechanism, at least primarily like some bad habits I likely have, it is a good old fashioned addiction, and it's one I DO need to get over (though I convince myself often it's fine) and it's one at this point I believe I need to seek professional health. I've quite in excess of 2 years before only to take one night and one bad choice to fall right back into it. It's making every other part of my life harder.
I don't know how to explain why the subject of nudity makes me upset- I'm lonely, but that's a separate beast all together- honest. The only correlation between the two is an excuse. I need to get help. This is bigger than me and while it's not bigger than God, I'm not coming to him like I should, and that's where I need to seek professional help. I can't afford one and I have no insurance... so in the interim I need to rely on friends and God and the strength I ignore... but it has to be a long term goal to get the help I need. It has to be. This has been destroying me from the inside for too long and I don't have a way of explaining it to the common person in any simple terms how or why.
I can never tell her. I said on my last entry what a big deal it was to tell SOMEONE I was angry with them... I still can't tell Kristie anything negative. It's such an uphill struggle to say something she does bothers me- even indirectly. Rolling down a window and making pressure noises on my side of the car? I'd have a hard time telling her. I have no space to be able to say the things she does that bother me or even admit there are things that bother me because I'm so constantly plagued by the idea that people will judge her. I don't KNOW anybody in my life I'm close enough to talk to that doesn't know Kristie. I have to do this somewhere and I can only people reading understand and appreciate the disclaimer that I've been with and loved deeply Kristie for 4 years, and tried to be close with her now that we're apart this last 8 or so months. She's an amazing woman... but I've never been able to fully just say things that hurt me...
No, this doesn't feel right. It hurts to say it as much as it does to not say it. I couldn't even write it out to erase... disclaimer or no, this is invasive. This is something I can privately journal about or something... Now all I'm worried about is people thinking this- THIS is Kristie's fault. That she made me like this... She didn't... I did... but it's tied to her- it's connected to her and so with her I can't. GRAH! I can't express anything... I can't do it. I'm not erasing this completely pointless section- nothing but build up to nothing- because I don't erase in this journal anymore. Maybe it'll persuade whoever does read it to actually heed the disclaimer and not waste their time. Dammit. DAMMIT. I think I need this and I can't do it. I don't know what it is. The invasive thing is more excuse than genuine reason. I do sort of trust most that I think read to understand 5 years of negative feelings would probably ball up and explode into sounding like someone's a horrible person and not take it with a grain of salt- but even if that's the case... UGH! I'm getting chills trying to write it... I can't do it. Dammit. I need this. I know I do. If I'll ever be able to talk like a regular fucking person to her I NEED to do this and facing it all I can do is skirt around it with weakness. I'm too afraid. Too afraid everything will crumble if I acknowledge the negative in any specific way. This was a complete failure on my part.
I'm still nowhere. I might be backwards. A few days ago, on the inside, I was EXACTLY where I said I wasn't and wouldn't be- practically waiting for Kristie to ask me to take her back and throw myself at it without a moment's thought. It's not remotely healthy- neither of us have a clue and it's not getting easier, I'm just ignoring it harder and harder. Talking with her has been great in terms of progressing on some of the problems we had when we were dating- great timing, y'know- but that's not what whether we got back together or not is even really about- I don't even know what it is, if it is, when it is. There's still parts of me that're like "Fuck it. Time to move on." Some of my friends were saying I need to get a nice nerdy girl- birds of a feather and such. I don't know... I've tasted love- it's not a compatibility test. I. Need. To. Be. Single. For right now, maybe for a long damn time, I need to be by my lonesome until I'm NOT lonesome. If I'm supposed to be with someone else, meet someone else, or if me and Kristie are the genuine article who're just doing things the way we were meant to and never understood, I KNOW this is the next step... but I'm not making any progress if I'm trying to fix an ex-relationship with Kristie.
It's very connected with the negative I can't talk about- it makes it hard to talk about... anything involving Kristie- it always has the more I think about it. I could feel myself giving off a weird vibe when I talked about Kristie, and it came from being afraid to let on that there are negative feelings at all- how unhealthy is THAT? It's still true in a lot of ways- I'm a bit more honest, but not much. And there's still a fear. A lot of questions have been asked and not answered lately- and there lack of answer is almost as unsettling as... I guess that they need to be asked? NO... maybe equally unsettling as some of their answers... Whatever they are... I have no idea at this point. I'm paranoid so that doesn't help. None of this helps... I haven't gotten anywhere except burning my eyes looking at a screen and missing even more sleep. I'm a fucking wreck and... I can't express a thing. The disclaimer I gave is very unfitting how little I expressed, how little I DIDN'T censor... All I did was curse and I'm not particularly happy about that 'cause it didn't feel expressive, just awkward and inappropriate. I'm not in a good place tonight. I'm sorry if you read this shit- it wasn't worth my time or yours. Sorry.
I've been talking lately- lately isn't very descriptive, I think the last time I updated was before Christmas on here. Anyway, I've been talking with people which is a one up for me, and on one of these occasions with Kristie, we discussed how she'd read these entries because I told her I was updating again. Her response was that, 1 she would refrain from reading in the fuure so that I may use it as an opportunity to vent knowing she will not read without guilt for not telling her, but also 2 that her only comment or criticism, if you could call it that, was that I am constantly censoring and blocking and trying to be politically correct even in what should be a freeing and expressive exercise. This is my attempt to do that. I will be more forthcoming and blunt. I may be vulgar and even crude, but I will still be respectful of personal bounds of others- perhaps less so then normal, but in no way invasive. It's an expression of emotions and feelings and may not, and likely won't, reflect my true feelings or thoughts on anything. I need this right now.
One thing I've been avoiding facing is my addiction. As I discussed before I struggle with an internet porn addiction- one I've been struggling with since I was 12 years old. It wracks me with guilt and makes me feel ill- it drives at me with urges and it comes at me with excuses. I often imply it's a coping mechanism, but even that isn't true. Maybe it serves as that on occasion, but more than likely the reason I need to cope is just the excuse to feed the addiction. I succumb to the temptation when depressed, when happy, when busy, when bored, when tired, when awake, when angry, when hurt, when scared, when confused, when feeling defeated or on top of the world. It's NOT a coping mechanism, at least primarily like some bad habits I likely have, it is a good old fashioned addiction, and it's one I DO need to get over (though I convince myself often it's fine) and it's one at this point I believe I need to seek professional health. I've quite in excess of 2 years before only to take one night and one bad choice to fall right back into it. It's making every other part of my life harder.
I don't know how to explain why the subject of nudity makes me upset- I'm lonely, but that's a separate beast all together- honest. The only correlation between the two is an excuse. I need to get help. This is bigger than me and while it's not bigger than God, I'm not coming to him like I should, and that's where I need to seek professional help. I can't afford one and I have no insurance... so in the interim I need to rely on friends and God and the strength I ignore... but it has to be a long term goal to get the help I need. It has to be. This has been destroying me from the inside for too long and I don't have a way of explaining it to the common person in any simple terms how or why.
I can never tell her. I said on my last entry what a big deal it was to tell SOMEONE I was angry with them... I still can't tell Kristie anything negative. It's such an uphill struggle to say something she does bothers me- even indirectly. Rolling down a window and making pressure noises on my side of the car? I'd have a hard time telling her. I have no space to be able to say the things she does that bother me or even admit there are things that bother me because I'm so constantly plagued by the idea that people will judge her. I don't KNOW anybody in my life I'm close enough to talk to that doesn't know Kristie. I have to do this somewhere and I can only people reading understand and appreciate the disclaimer that I've been with and loved deeply Kristie for 4 years, and tried to be close with her now that we're apart this last 8 or so months. She's an amazing woman... but I've never been able to fully just say things that hurt me...
No, this doesn't feel right. It hurts to say it as much as it does to not say it. I couldn't even write it out to erase... disclaimer or no, this is invasive. This is something I can privately journal about or something... Now all I'm worried about is people thinking this- THIS is Kristie's fault. That she made me like this... She didn't... I did... but it's tied to her- it's connected to her and so with her I can't. GRAH! I can't express anything... I can't do it. I'm not erasing this completely pointless section- nothing but build up to nothing- because I don't erase in this journal anymore. Maybe it'll persuade whoever does read it to actually heed the disclaimer and not waste their time. Dammit. DAMMIT. I think I need this and I can't do it. I don't know what it is. The invasive thing is more excuse than genuine reason. I do sort of trust most that I think read to understand 5 years of negative feelings would probably ball up and explode into sounding like someone's a horrible person and not take it with a grain of salt- but even if that's the case... UGH! I'm getting chills trying to write it... I can't do it. Dammit. I need this. I know I do. If I'll ever be able to talk like a regular fucking person to her I NEED to do this and facing it all I can do is skirt around it with weakness. I'm too afraid. Too afraid everything will crumble if I acknowledge the negative in any specific way. This was a complete failure on my part.
I'm still nowhere. I might be backwards. A few days ago, on the inside, I was EXACTLY where I said I wasn't and wouldn't be- practically waiting for Kristie to ask me to take her back and throw myself at it without a moment's thought. It's not remotely healthy- neither of us have a clue and it's not getting easier, I'm just ignoring it harder and harder. Talking with her has been great in terms of progressing on some of the problems we had when we were dating- great timing, y'know- but that's not what whether we got back together or not is even really about- I don't even know what it is, if it is, when it is. There's still parts of me that're like "Fuck it. Time to move on." Some of my friends were saying I need to get a nice nerdy girl- birds of a feather and such. I don't know... I've tasted love- it's not a compatibility test. I. Need. To. Be. Single. For right now, maybe for a long damn time, I need to be by my lonesome until I'm NOT lonesome. If I'm supposed to be with someone else, meet someone else, or if me and Kristie are the genuine article who're just doing things the way we were meant to and never understood, I KNOW this is the next step... but I'm not making any progress if I'm trying to fix an ex-relationship with Kristie.
It's very connected with the negative I can't talk about- it makes it hard to talk about... anything involving Kristie- it always has the more I think about it. I could feel myself giving off a weird vibe when I talked about Kristie, and it came from being afraid to let on that there are negative feelings at all- how unhealthy is THAT? It's still true in a lot of ways- I'm a bit more honest, but not much. And there's still a fear. A lot of questions have been asked and not answered lately- and there lack of answer is almost as unsettling as... I guess that they need to be asked? NO... maybe equally unsettling as some of their answers... Whatever they are... I have no idea at this point. I'm paranoid so that doesn't help. None of this helps... I haven't gotten anywhere except burning my eyes looking at a screen and missing even more sleep. I'm a fucking wreck and... I can't express a thing. The disclaimer I gave is very unfitting how little I expressed, how little I DIDN'T censor... All I did was curse and I'm not particularly happy about that 'cause it didn't feel expressive, just awkward and inappropriate. I'm not in a good place tonight. I'm sorry if you read this shit- it wasn't worth my time or yours. Sorry.