Stupid urges
Sometimes when you're minding your own business, a thought pops into your head, and it just won't leave. The more you try to think about pushing it out of your conscious, the more it moves to the front and insists on sticking there. It's the whole "don't think of pink elephants" thing.
From time to time I suffer from the embarrassment of wanting to talk about things that pop into my mind. Most of the time, I very candidly share my thoughts and feelings on things. I've gained a reputation as being very cold at times with biting criticisms when I don't hold back, but also being an asset to teams for debating points to help further understanding and establish an efficient process. However, there are these few urges I get from time to time that I tend to quash every time they arise, because of how uncomfortable I feel talking about them. It's not that it bothers me, it's that I perceive it to be bothersome to say, and then to repeat each time I feel the need to say it. I don't want to embarrass the individual I'm directing my comments to, but I think I project my own reaction onto everyone regarding this specific topic. I also don't know when the appropriate time to say this is, because it's generally a very sensitive topic.
But when is it ok to tell someone that you love them? I honestly don't know how to bring up the topic, especially when I'm so convinced it's going to be a remarkably awkward conversation to have because I know it isn't reciprocated as strongly as I feel. I tend to find ways to hint that I do or let my actions speak louder than words, but sometimes I just want to say it and not be sly about it. I just want to be blunt and say it, and say it again, and again. No immediate good can come from saying it, but it hurts me so much that I break down and cry when I choke on it and force it back down.
It's always that much harder to say the more strongly you feel. I love a lot of people, apparently, but only a few where I sometimes just can't say it.
I don't know what to do, and usually when that happens I opt not to do anything at all. I decided this time to write about it on here, because I suspect it will be read by someone who will be able to give me some advice eventually. I'm still skirting, because I'm still a coward. I could just call them up and tell them, chat for a bit, then hang up and go to bed. Instead, I rationalize why I shouldn't, and feel horrible about it but accept it.
I don't know what to do, but I love someone so much that I find myself thinking about them more than I'm comfortable with... and I just needed to find some way to get it off my chest. If I can't say it to them directly, I'll link them to this post indirectly someday, or maybe they'll find it on their own. I don't know. Love is so stupid, and irrational.
From time to time I suffer from the embarrassment of wanting to talk about things that pop into my mind. Most of the time, I very candidly share my thoughts and feelings on things. I've gained a reputation as being very cold at times with biting criticisms when I don't hold back, but also being an asset to teams for debating points to help further understanding and establish an efficient process. However, there are these few urges I get from time to time that I tend to quash every time they arise, because of how uncomfortable I feel talking about them. It's not that it bothers me, it's that I perceive it to be bothersome to say, and then to repeat each time I feel the need to say it. I don't want to embarrass the individual I'm directing my comments to, but I think I project my own reaction onto everyone regarding this specific topic. I also don't know when the appropriate time to say this is, because it's generally a very sensitive topic.
But when is it ok to tell someone that you love them? I honestly don't know how to bring up the topic, especially when I'm so convinced it's going to be a remarkably awkward conversation to have because I know it isn't reciprocated as strongly as I feel. I tend to find ways to hint that I do or let my actions speak louder than words, but sometimes I just want to say it and not be sly about it. I just want to be blunt and say it, and say it again, and again. No immediate good can come from saying it, but it hurts me so much that I break down and cry when I choke on it and force it back down.
It's always that much harder to say the more strongly you feel. I love a lot of people, apparently, but only a few where I sometimes just can't say it.
I don't know what to do, and usually when that happens I opt not to do anything at all. I decided this time to write about it on here, because I suspect it will be read by someone who will be able to give me some advice eventually. I'm still skirting, because I'm still a coward. I could just call them up and tell them, chat for a bit, then hang up and go to bed. Instead, I rationalize why I shouldn't, and feel horrible about it but accept it.
I don't know what to do, but I love someone so much that I find myself thinking about them more than I'm comfortable with... and I just needed to find some way to get it off my chest. If I can't say it to them directly, I'll link them to this post indirectly someday, or maybe they'll find it on their own. I don't know. Love is so stupid, and irrational.