Learning how to socialize
During the first lab session of my computer science class, I sat near a girl named Suzanne. She seemed to be the most timid in the class, and as we progressed with our first in-class assignment, she appeared to be falling behind very quickly. I stopped what I was doing and sat in the vacant seat next to her. She kept her down, exhibited closed body posture, and spoke very softly.
I remembered in the lecture the coupled my lab, my professor had mentioned that all computer programmers fail their first time writing a program.
Perhaps she didn't understand the instructions, or the heavy accent of our Indian-native lab instructor. Perhaps her ability to type at 20 words per minute kept her behind as well. Either way, I took it upon myself to keep her up to speed, and she understood my analogies and advice.
The class ended, and she along with another of my friends in the class, opted to stay in the computer lab and hammer out the rest of the program and just put it behind us. It only took a few hours, but the three of us completed our assignment. We said our goodnights and headed off to our respective places of residence to call it a night.
Earlier today, we met for the fourth time this quarter. This time, out of class, because the assignment really did call for extra hours of thinking, testing, and typing. Suzanne told me that the grades for the latest quiz in the class were posted online earlier today, so when we logged in to the system and checked our grades she was upset to find she had earned a D on the first quiz. I told her it would be alright, and not to get discouraged. With the aid of my syllabus and calculator, I did some tinkering and explained that if she got a D on all the rest of the quizzes but maintained the A she has in the lab portion of the class, she'd pass with at the very least an 80.4, which amounts to a B.
She looked at me then and smiled and told me that there was no way she'd pass this class if I wasn't there to help her. I just shrugged it off and told her that she was helping me too, so it's not all one-sided. She shook her head and insisted she must be mooching off of my ability to figure things out quickly. I then insisted that she was helping to motivate me to go to the class, because I looked forward to working with her and attendance is very important. I also commented that, though she slowed me down, I consider that a good thing. I have a tendency to want to breeze through things, and in coding that can be disastrous. I said we made a good team.
Last Wednesday, while speaking with my new counselor for the year, she asked me about my social life. I laughed and told her it was on life support, and furthered the medical analogy by saying I was as sociable as Dr. House. She followed up quickly with a retort, a feat I admire and look for in a counselor. "Who's your James?" she asked.
I furrowed my brow, and looked at her funny. She repeated, "Who's your James Wilson? Dr. Wilson. Who is that for you?" I just laughed and told her it was my friend Damian, but that he would probably insist that I was James (coincidence?) and that he was House.
She told me that most people, even the socially inept, tend to find one person that compliments them and those people become very important. Since she said that on Wednesday, I've been thinking about this concept of the duo and looking for examples of this.
Suzanne and I are both very awkward people, and we work together very well. She lets me dominate conversations, and she provides me with numerous mistakes to teach her to work through. However, she also provides me with challenges that keep me alert and engaged and motivated to stay in the class. She's not abrasive, very quiet, and incredibly polite.
Damian and I, well that's a relationship that is hard to describe... suffice to say it works, and works damn well, better than any I've had ever before and could hope to have in the future. It's almost like the concept of Seamus and Howard being friends... it doesn't make sense why they would, but you can't separate them. :3
I like to think of myself as a loner, and I really do prefer to be by myself more often than not. However, there are days when I just need to know that there's someone else that I can cling on to and call my better half in any given situation. It's a very comforting feeling. I'm learning to examine who these people are, and what the context is, and why these people mean so much to me. Sometimes it involves academic success, sometimes pure enjoyment of life.
What I'm learning, though, is that... it can't be just one person for everything, because it doesn't always work that way. I want it to be that way, but sometimes it's just not a good match. I can't go to Damian with things that are outside his understanding or ability, so I have to look elsewhere. In the past, I've chosen not to find people that can fill this void. Rather, I've moped about it and never solved my problems. It's outside my comfort zone to ask people I'm not friends with yet, to help me with things that require serious effort to mend.
This is why I go to therapy, to find someone to fill the role of the therapist. It's not healthy to turn your best friend into your therapist. I've tried this many times, with my ex and fellow psychology major, Josh. I brought so many problems into a healthy relationship, that not only did I kill it, I very nearly strangled what friendship we had to begin with. I've tried this with Oz, but fortunately he has the ability to catch it as it's happening and stop me before I do too much damage.
I may be turning 24 next month, but I'm having to admit that I'm not as capable as others around me. I overcompensate as much as possible in every other area that doesn't involve my deficiency, so that I don't appear to be stunted in any way... but really, I can't hide that I'm autistic and lack social skills that are appropriate for my age. I have some, but not all, but I'm learning. It takes patience in other people and effort on my part, something that doesn't always happen from both sides at once.
But as I bump into more people, I find that I'm getting better at discerning who is a good friend and who compliments my personality. My project now is to engage in more social behaviour; I need to get out more. I need to learn how to socialize.
I remembered in the lecture the coupled my lab, my professor had mentioned that all computer programmers fail their first time writing a program.
Perhaps she didn't understand the instructions, or the heavy accent of our Indian-native lab instructor. Perhaps her ability to type at 20 words per minute kept her behind as well. Either way, I took it upon myself to keep her up to speed, and she understood my analogies and advice.
The class ended, and she along with another of my friends in the class, opted to stay in the computer lab and hammer out the rest of the program and just put it behind us. It only took a few hours, but the three of us completed our assignment. We said our goodnights and headed off to our respective places of residence to call it a night.
Earlier today, we met for the fourth time this quarter. This time, out of class, because the assignment really did call for extra hours of thinking, testing, and typing. Suzanne told me that the grades for the latest quiz in the class were posted online earlier today, so when we logged in to the system and checked our grades she was upset to find she had earned a D on the first quiz. I told her it would be alright, and not to get discouraged. With the aid of my syllabus and calculator, I did some tinkering and explained that if she got a D on all the rest of the quizzes but maintained the A she has in the lab portion of the class, she'd pass with at the very least an 80.4, which amounts to a B.
She looked at me then and smiled and told me that there was no way she'd pass this class if I wasn't there to help her. I just shrugged it off and told her that she was helping me too, so it's not all one-sided. She shook her head and insisted she must be mooching off of my ability to figure things out quickly. I then insisted that she was helping to motivate me to go to the class, because I looked forward to working with her and attendance is very important. I also commented that, though she slowed me down, I consider that a good thing. I have a tendency to want to breeze through things, and in coding that can be disastrous. I said we made a good team.
Last Wednesday, while speaking with my new counselor for the year, she asked me about my social life. I laughed and told her it was on life support, and furthered the medical analogy by saying I was as sociable as Dr. House. She followed up quickly with a retort, a feat I admire and look for in a counselor. "Who's your James?" she asked.
I furrowed my brow, and looked at her funny. She repeated, "Who's your James Wilson? Dr. Wilson. Who is that for you?" I just laughed and told her it was my friend Damian, but that he would probably insist that I was James (coincidence?) and that he was House.
She told me that most people, even the socially inept, tend to find one person that compliments them and those people become very important. Since she said that on Wednesday, I've been thinking about this concept of the duo and looking for examples of this.
Suzanne and I are both very awkward people, and we work together very well. She lets me dominate conversations, and she provides me with numerous mistakes to teach her to work through. However, she also provides me with challenges that keep me alert and engaged and motivated to stay in the class. She's not abrasive, very quiet, and incredibly polite.
Damian and I, well that's a relationship that is hard to describe... suffice to say it works, and works damn well, better than any I've had ever before and could hope to have in the future. It's almost like the concept of Seamus and Howard being friends... it doesn't make sense why they would, but you can't separate them. :3
I like to think of myself as a loner, and I really do prefer to be by myself more often than not. However, there are days when I just need to know that there's someone else that I can cling on to and call my better half in any given situation. It's a very comforting feeling. I'm learning to examine who these people are, and what the context is, and why these people mean so much to me. Sometimes it involves academic success, sometimes pure enjoyment of life.
What I'm learning, though, is that... it can't be just one person for everything, because it doesn't always work that way. I want it to be that way, but sometimes it's just not a good match. I can't go to Damian with things that are outside his understanding or ability, so I have to look elsewhere. In the past, I've chosen not to find people that can fill this void. Rather, I've moped about it and never solved my problems. It's outside my comfort zone to ask people I'm not friends with yet, to help me with things that require serious effort to mend.
This is why I go to therapy, to find someone to fill the role of the therapist. It's not healthy to turn your best friend into your therapist. I've tried this many times, with my ex and fellow psychology major, Josh. I brought so many problems into a healthy relationship, that not only did I kill it, I very nearly strangled what friendship we had to begin with. I've tried this with Oz, but fortunately he has the ability to catch it as it's happening and stop me before I do too much damage.
I may be turning 24 next month, but I'm having to admit that I'm not as capable as others around me. I overcompensate as much as possible in every other area that doesn't involve my deficiency, so that I don't appear to be stunted in any way... but really, I can't hide that I'm autistic and lack social skills that are appropriate for my age. I have some, but not all, but I'm learning. It takes patience in other people and effort on my part, something that doesn't always happen from both sides at once.
But as I bump into more people, I find that I'm getting better at discerning who is a good friend and who compliments my personality. My project now is to engage in more social behaviour; I need to get out more. I need to learn how to socialize.