Here we go again
Well, as much as I hate to, I'm going to have to start taking my antidepressants again. I honestly wish there was a happy medium. For the past few nights I've been crying for no particular reason. None at all.
Now I'm feeling hopeless and helpless again, and nearly curling up into that little miserable ball of despair I was before I started meds. The orgasms, the broadcasting, no longer seem worth it. I hate being miserable. I've been snapping at hubby and the kids, but on the other hand, the mess in my house began to bother me enough for me to actually clean. O_O!! I know, amazing! Just took the first dose in over a month just a few minutes ago.
Am looking yet again for a part time evening job. Must get something, as after the loans we took out to get a new furnace and have the mother fucker installed, hubby's net income is slashed to less than half the gross. So, we're barely surviving on $1600 per month. The mortgage alone is a tad over $700. As much as we love this house, we're virtually trapped here, there's no way we'd get even half what we put into it especially given the current housing market, and then what? Rent? We don't even have enough to buy a trailer if we needed to.
This whole thing sickens me. I mean we're supposed to be building happy memories for our kids, and what do they have? Stressed out parents, a mom that's been doing nothing but shouting at them lately, a dad who's been working overtime and some weekends (for no extra pay mind you), and now, with the seriously lowered paycheck, we're back to expired or nearly expired food pantry goods to say nothing of being treated like trash when we show up to get said handouts.
Not to sound elitist (OK, maybe I am), but these miserable bitches don't have half the education I have and I'm being treated like some kind of crack ho, no, I take that back, they treat the crack hos better. My kids are not trash, dammit!
Then, THEN, they say our income is too high! OK, our gross is, barely, but the net? No way. We're still paying on the 2K electric bill from last winter. That's another issue, we have 30 days to come up with the 2K, or we're shut off. Nice, huh? I had a payment arrangement with them, but missed a payment and now this.
Thoughts have crossed my mind. Bad thoughts, thoughts that I could be in an accident. All I have to do is step back a bit while getting into my car which is parked on the street. My mom'd raise the kids, at least they'd be warm in the wintertime and have good food. They could go to my old school which is in a much better district than this one, and they could walk there. They'd be in a better area, they'd have a yard of their own to play in, could ride their bikes all over, not like here. They wouldn't have to stand around for free food wearing WalMart clothes. They'd be able to watch real television instead of old DVDs all the time.
I hate myself. I've made all the wrong choices and now my poor kids are suffering because of it. And what about their future? We have no savings account, nothing put away for their college. It's all my fault. Mine. I just want it to end. I just want it all to be over. I'm done. I've failed miserably and I'm done.
Now I'm feeling hopeless and helpless again, and nearly curling up into that little miserable ball of despair I was before I started meds. The orgasms, the broadcasting, no longer seem worth it. I hate being miserable. I've been snapping at hubby and the kids, but on the other hand, the mess in my house began to bother me enough for me to actually clean. O_O!! I know, amazing! Just took the first dose in over a month just a few minutes ago.
Am looking yet again for a part time evening job. Must get something, as after the loans we took out to get a new furnace and have the mother fucker installed, hubby's net income is slashed to less than half the gross. So, we're barely surviving on $1600 per month. The mortgage alone is a tad over $700. As much as we love this house, we're virtually trapped here, there's no way we'd get even half what we put into it especially given the current housing market, and then what? Rent? We don't even have enough to buy a trailer if we needed to.
This whole thing sickens me. I mean we're supposed to be building happy memories for our kids, and what do they have? Stressed out parents, a mom that's been doing nothing but shouting at them lately, a dad who's been working overtime and some weekends (for no extra pay mind you), and now, with the seriously lowered paycheck, we're back to expired or nearly expired food pantry goods to say nothing of being treated like trash when we show up to get said handouts.
Not to sound elitist (OK, maybe I am), but these miserable bitches don't have half the education I have and I'm being treated like some kind of crack ho, no, I take that back, they treat the crack hos better. My kids are not trash, dammit!
Then, THEN, they say our income is too high! OK, our gross is, barely, but the net? No way. We're still paying on the 2K electric bill from last winter. That's another issue, we have 30 days to come up with the 2K, or we're shut off. Nice, huh? I had a payment arrangement with them, but missed a payment and now this.
Thoughts have crossed my mind. Bad thoughts, thoughts that I could be in an accident. All I have to do is step back a bit while getting into my car which is parked on the street. My mom'd raise the kids, at least they'd be warm in the wintertime and have good food. They could go to my old school which is in a much better district than this one, and they could walk there. They'd be in a better area, they'd have a yard of their own to play in, could ride their bikes all over, not like here. They wouldn't have to stand around for free food wearing WalMart clothes. They'd be able to watch real television instead of old DVDs all the time.
I hate myself. I've made all the wrong choices and now my poor kids are suffering because of it. And what about their future? We have no savings account, nothing put away for their college. It's all my fault. Mine. I just want it to end. I just want it all to be over. I'm done. I've failed miserably and I'm done.