(no subject)
Sitting in my room, some time between 2:00 and 3:00 Wednesday morning, I was looking at the posters of John Coltrane, and thinking about his music. It would be difficult for me to overestimate the effect he and his music, not to mention his spirit, have had on me. I can picture him playing in my mind, and the look of intensity, ecstasy, and release he wears on his face, and I wish that I could feel that way as well. I have dreamt of being a great tenor saxophone player since I was... hell, I do not even remember how long. Certainly, it has been since I was in my early to mid teens, hearing the Steely Dan song Deacon Blues on the radio, and thinking that was the life for me.
At some point, not terribly long ago, it seems, I gave up on that dream. I have wished, instead, that I could attain those heights of expression in my writing, but that has eluded me as well. Writing, as I believe I have said here in the past, is the one thing I have done consistently (or with more consistency, anyway, than anything else) since I was 16. It was the one thing it seemed I could do; the one god-given talent I've got. And yet, it does not satisfy me. Has writing always been, somehow, a compromise, something I did grudgingly because it is the (only) ability I have? And, have I, feeling envy for these other abilities I never had the opportunity to learn, denied to myself the very possibility of being successful and happy as a writer? Is this the "blockage" I have felt---this sense of cold, childish, envy directed inward---for so long I cannot recall living without it?
I can blame my mother (and I have) for not encouraging me as a writer (or in any way, for that matter), but what about myself? Why, if the desire is still present, have I never taken the time---i.e., made the opportunity for myself---to learn an instrument as an adult? I suppose it is some combination of fear, laziness, inertia, lack of confidence, etc. But, writing, on the other hand, which I have always done, with or without encouragement (though, let me say, I have received a great deal of encouragement in that area from several people, some of you who read this journal, and I appreciate it greatly), and with little formal training, is something I suppose I have taken for granted.
This is another situation in which I would do well to, at one and the same time, give myself a break (when it comes to those things over which I have no control, and have never had control), and expect a little more from myself (in those areas that are within my control, like being more disciplined in my writing, etc.). Perhaps, I am slowly finding my way forward, and finding some of that peace within my soul for which I asked. Time will tell...