(no subject)
I've never really thought about this in these terms before, but...well. My family and my brother's girlfriend went out for a meal, tonight; just a casual little thing, and although I wasn't watching them the whole time, every time I glanced up at my brother and her, I was struck by how comfortable they seemed. How natural they looked together. They've been together for over a year (I'm not sure exactly how long), and they just fit together perfectly, from an outside view. He's really sweet with her, and they're both affectionate, and they're moving in together soon, and...
...and now I'm panicking a little.
Because Joe is only two years older than me. He's twenty; just about to start his third year of university. He had a fair few girlfriends in his teenage years, but he's been with Natalie for a while, and even though you can never tell with these kind of things, the fact that they're living together makes them seem...settled. If only for now.
I'm eighteen, and I've never had a relationship. Ever. I know it's not a necessity, but it's something I've wanted for a while. And to see him so comfortable makes me panicked that I haven't even started that whole process yet. I don't know how to start it, how it works, how I'd be in a relationship. I've reached this far, and nothing, whereas he seems to have it down to a fine art.
What if I go on to his age and beyond, and don't find anyone? Or worse; what if I find someone and don't have the capacity or the bravery to act upon it? Seeing him and her together reminds me of what I've never had, and might be hopeless at. I've kissed two people; both drunken snogs in clubs (although I was very self-aware for the second one - my fellow kisser let me down, somewhat) - that's it. I want something that leads somewhere. And I feel so far behind. I know many people of my age haven't had proper relationships, which is fine, but...gah. I just want the whole process to start.
I have to stop this self-pitying drivel before I type my way into depressing oblivion. Music, I think, would be nice. And Derren Brown in half an hour. Lovely.
...and now I'm panicking a little.
Because Joe is only two years older than me. He's twenty; just about to start his third year of university. He had a fair few girlfriends in his teenage years, but he's been with Natalie for a while, and even though you can never tell with these kind of things, the fact that they're living together makes them seem...settled. If only for now.
I'm eighteen, and I've never had a relationship. Ever. I know it's not a necessity, but it's something I've wanted for a while. And to see him so comfortable makes me panicked that I haven't even started that whole process yet. I don't know how to start it, how it works, how I'd be in a relationship. I've reached this far, and nothing, whereas he seems to have it down to a fine art.
What if I go on to his age and beyond, and don't find anyone? Or worse; what if I find someone and don't have the capacity or the bravery to act upon it? Seeing him and her together reminds me of what I've never had, and might be hopeless at. I've kissed two people; both drunken snogs in clubs (although I was very self-aware for the second one - my fellow kisser let me down, somewhat) - that's it. I want something that leads somewhere. And I feel so far behind. I know many people of my age haven't had proper relationships, which is fine, but...gah. I just want the whole process to start.
I have to stop this self-pitying drivel before I type my way into depressing oblivion. Music, I think, would be nice. And Derren Brown in half an hour. Lovely.