Mapping it out in my head; connection to connection.
May I talk about my sexuality for a while?
Excellent.
I've been thinking about it a lot recently, for a number of different reasons, but I came to a sudden and rather surprising realisation tonight; despite at least three years of being very definitely bisexual, and more-or-less open about it with friends (I don't harp on about it, but I don't hide anything), I never actually told my brother, and I'm too nervous to try and find out whether he already knows.
Because there's been large enough hints. I've been going to Pride London the past few years, and he knows that. My Facebook profile says I'm interested in men and women. And yet, last Christmas, he was telling me (I can't remember exactly why), that he still had a bit of latent homophobia that he was trying to get over. Him saying that, I always thought, was always a little implicit that he didn't know that I was bi.
This is the thing with my family; we don't always talk about the big things. We're close, we're functional; I know I go on about all the arguments, but we're very much the average family, but somehow we manage to avoid talking about the heavier issues; like sex, like death, like sexuality. I came out to my mother more or less by force; I wanted to go to Pride in 2007, and she was very curious as to why, so I had to tell her. I've never been good at lying; and I hate doing it.
My dad was under the impression, when I asked, that I'd gone to go and see John Barrowman (which was one reason, but only a very minor one); so, there emerged a rather awkward and stilted conversation at the dinner table one evening (my brother was at uni at the time), when I basically came out properly to both of them, and asked them if they had any problems with it. Being the brilliant parents they are, they didn't seem to; my dad even quoted Hamlet; "To thine own self be true"; he said I was me, and I could do what I wanted.
So, they seem to be fine with it, but it's never discussed. To be honest, I think mum sometimes forgets; she makes reference to me bringing boys home, to future boyfriends, without mentioning the alternative. She recently, as a complete non-sequitur, asked me, "Are you still gay?" which annoyed me on two fronts; that she seemed to have forgotten what my sexuality actually is, and seemed to work under the assumption that it was just a phase.
And, to be honest, I have wondered if it is. I've never had a relationship with a girl before; I've never even kissed a girl. Many busy-bodies ask questions about how I know, how it works (which also annoys me; it really isn't that miraculous) when I haven't experienced it. I've fallen prey to doubt, before. Then I remember the crush I had on one of my best friends, the first time I fancied a girl; I remember the girl I like now, the pretty waitress in Starbucks who has me blibbering like an idiot (who's someone else entirely, but still lovely), I remember Eve bloody Myles, for God's sake, and rest assured that it's definitely there.
But what do my family really think? And how will everything go in the future? My brother's girlfriend has been staying here the past few days, as she's done before; she's sleeping in his bedroom, in his bed; it's obvious without saying what may have gone on in there. If I brought a girl home for the holidays, for a few days, and she slept in my bed, would that cause a fuss; would my parents whisper and gossip and wonder? I doubt they'd stop me doing anything; their philosophy seems to be to give guidance rather than commands, when it comes to life choices. It works well, I think. But somehow it's worse not knowing their reactions, than them disapproving.
I know I have no right to complain; I live with an open-minded family who trusts me, my friends are completely accepting, and more than that; I'm lucky to live in a society which generally accepts different sexualities; lets us speak and be open and hold parades and do what we want. And I'm comfortable with who I am.
It's just little things adding up to make me feel the need to write about it. My brother, the girl I want but almost definitely can't have, the fact that I'm so utterly, utterly terrible at flirting, hinting, knowing, all that jazz; this town getting smaller and smaller the longer I live in it, the desire for a real, real gay scene; everything. It's digging at me, and I have to...vent. You know how it works. What else is a livejournal for, after all?
While I know next to nothing, really, about both of them in detail; I imagine Cardiff to have a more vibrant gay scene than Lancaster. I could be wrong, but that's how I see it, which is one of the reasons I want to go there. It's a university aim, really; to find a lovely girl, one who I synchronise with, even if it's only partly, and attempt to get over all these doubts I have about everything (psh, just ask lillyankh - she's seen them in close-up) and have a proper relationship. Of course, it could happen with a guy; I don't know. I'm leaning towards girls more and more.
So...yes. I applaud you if you read through that and didn't get bored. Basically, a recent crush has resulted in me questioning the finer details, which I probably don't need to do. Blame results anxiety; you need distractions to keep your mind off things.
theohsocurlyone out. I'm off to listen to Christina Aguilera and wait for writerinadrawer to come up trumps. Farewell.
Excellent.
I've been thinking about it a lot recently, for a number of different reasons, but I came to a sudden and rather surprising realisation tonight; despite at least three years of being very definitely bisexual, and more-or-less open about it with friends (I don't harp on about it, but I don't hide anything), I never actually told my brother, and I'm too nervous to try and find out whether he already knows.
Because there's been large enough hints. I've been going to Pride London the past few years, and he knows that. My Facebook profile says I'm interested in men and women. And yet, last Christmas, he was telling me (I can't remember exactly why), that he still had a bit of latent homophobia that he was trying to get over. Him saying that, I always thought, was always a little implicit that he didn't know that I was bi.
This is the thing with my family; we don't always talk about the big things. We're close, we're functional; I know I go on about all the arguments, but we're very much the average family, but somehow we manage to avoid talking about the heavier issues; like sex, like death, like sexuality. I came out to my mother more or less by force; I wanted to go to Pride in 2007, and she was very curious as to why, so I had to tell her. I've never been good at lying; and I hate doing it.
My dad was under the impression, when I asked, that I'd gone to go and see John Barrowman (which was one reason, but only a very minor one); so, there emerged a rather awkward and stilted conversation at the dinner table one evening (my brother was at uni at the time), when I basically came out properly to both of them, and asked them if they had any problems with it. Being the brilliant parents they are, they didn't seem to; my dad even quoted Hamlet; "To thine own self be true"; he said I was me, and I could do what I wanted.
So, they seem to be fine with it, but it's never discussed. To be honest, I think mum sometimes forgets; she makes reference to me bringing boys home, to future boyfriends, without mentioning the alternative. She recently, as a complete non-sequitur, asked me, "Are you still gay?" which annoyed me on two fronts; that she seemed to have forgotten what my sexuality actually is, and seemed to work under the assumption that it was just a phase.
And, to be honest, I have wondered if it is. I've never had a relationship with a girl before; I've never even kissed a girl. Many busy-bodies ask questions about how I know, how it works (which also annoys me; it really isn't that miraculous) when I haven't experienced it. I've fallen prey to doubt, before. Then I remember the crush I had on one of my best friends, the first time I fancied a girl; I remember the girl I like now, the pretty waitress in Starbucks who has me blibbering like an idiot (who's someone else entirely, but still lovely), I remember Eve bloody Myles, for God's sake, and rest assured that it's definitely there.
But what do my family really think? And how will everything go in the future? My brother's girlfriend has been staying here the past few days, as she's done before; she's sleeping in his bedroom, in his bed; it's obvious without saying what may have gone on in there. If I brought a girl home for the holidays, for a few days, and she slept in my bed, would that cause a fuss; would my parents whisper and gossip and wonder? I doubt they'd stop me doing anything; their philosophy seems to be to give guidance rather than commands, when it comes to life choices. It works well, I think. But somehow it's worse not knowing their reactions, than them disapproving.
I know I have no right to complain; I live with an open-minded family who trusts me, my friends are completely accepting, and more than that; I'm lucky to live in a society which generally accepts different sexualities; lets us speak and be open and hold parades and do what we want. And I'm comfortable with who I am.
It's just little things adding up to make me feel the need to write about it. My brother, the girl I want but almost definitely can't have, the fact that I'm so utterly, utterly terrible at flirting, hinting, knowing, all that jazz; this town getting smaller and smaller the longer I live in it, the desire for a real, real gay scene; everything. It's digging at me, and I have to...vent. You know how it works. What else is a livejournal for, after all?
While I know next to nothing, really, about both of them in detail; I imagine Cardiff to have a more vibrant gay scene than Lancaster. I could be wrong, but that's how I see it, which is one of the reasons I want to go there. It's a university aim, really; to find a lovely girl, one who I synchronise with, even if it's only partly, and attempt to get over all these doubts I have about everything (psh, just ask lillyankh - she's seen them in close-up) and have a proper relationship. Of course, it could happen with a guy; I don't know. I'm leaning towards girls more and more.
So...yes. I applaud you if you read through that and didn't get bored. Basically, a recent crush has resulted in me questioning the finer details, which I probably don't need to do. Blame results anxiety; you need distractions to keep your mind off things.
theohsocurlyone out. I'm off to listen to Christina Aguilera and wait for writerinadrawer to come up trumps. Farewell.