Brick , Ryan/Pam, Ryan/Kelly, R
Title: Brick
Fandom: The Office (US)
Pairing/Character: Pam/Ryan, Ryan/Kelly
Rating: R in general for language and potential sex
Summary: This picks up during the Diwali episode. The Angry!More Liberated!Pam and Jim? No. Much, more more than that. Title from the Ben Folds Five song, Brick.
Spoilers: Diwali episode and some Season 3 spoilers perhaps.
Word count: 2,979
Author's Notes: I ship Pam and Ryan hard so this is the result of my fantasies and efforts. I hope you enjoy. =)
Ryan had somehow managed to escape the loud music and the judgmental eyes and constant questions from Kelly’s parents and somehow he had ended up in the bathroom, examining himself in the half length mirror. He was sort of admiring, sort of criticizing this whole…look he had going.
It had been Kelly’s idea of course and he had gone along with it-of course. What other choice did he have? Kelly had been excited about Diwali for weeks, even though she had absolutely no idea what it meant or what it celebrated-still Ryan was almost charmed and a little annoyed at her enthusiasm.
It was constant.
And that was Kelly.
He had gotten used to it and didn’t even mind it so much. Sometimes. Well, at least he had learned to tune it out for the most part.
He turned the faucet on, splashing lukewarm water on his face, careful not to get anything on his Kurta. He had to admit, he kinda liked wearing it. It felt like pajamas almost. He could get used to this and never tell anyone.
He was just about ready to brave Kelly’s parents and the gym full of people again when the door to the bathroom burst open and Pam came sprawling in, face flushed, hair stuck to her neck and the sides of the face. She was laughing and out of breath.
“You look like you’re having a good time,” Ryan said dryly.
Pam stopped laughing and put her hand up to her mouth.
“Ryan? What are you doing in here?”
Ryan looked around at all the urinals.
“This is…the men’s room.”
Pam looked around as if seeing the room for the first time.
“Oh my god…oh my God I am, what the hell?” She started laughing again. Ryan knew she couldn’t be drunk, he hadn’t seen with a drink in her hand all night.
“So…did you want something?” He had just wanted to be left alone so if she was gonna interrupt him; she was going to have to pay for it.
Pam shook her head. She was calming down now.
“No I uh…just need a breather. It’s hot out there.”
“So you came to the men’s room?”
Pam blinked at him.
“I…guess so.” She shrugged, walking over to the sink beside his and began running her hands under the water.
Ryan turned around and did the same. The music from the gym shook the walls around them, blurred and distorted before it reached their ears.
“You uh…sure look like you were having fun out there?” He said it like a question; he didn’t know what else to say.
Pam nodded. “Yeah. I was. I was.” She repeated it to remind herself what it felt like to feel good and admit it.
“I really am having a good time. I’m so glad Kelly invited me. I think it was just what I needed.” Ryan wondered if Pam thought she was talking to the cameras instead of him.
Ryan sucked his lips into his mouth and nodded.
“Yeah. That was….so great of her.”
“Yeah. It was.”
The water ran hot on Ryan’s hands and he pulled them away, looking around for a paper towel dispenser. The only one there was empty. Fuck.
“Are you having a good time?”
“Huh, what?” He asked distracted in the midst of his quest for dry hands. He ducked into one of the stalls.
“Don’t use toilet paper, it’s only gonna stick to your ha…” Pam’s voice trailed off as Ryan came out, wet hands held out in front of him with bits of toilet paper stuck to them. She burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?”
Pam shook his head. She walked over and began picking the thin bits of paper from his hands.
“I wish Kelly could see this,” Pam said smiling.
Ryan shook his head.
“I don’t.”
Pam sobered.
“Oh.”
She helped clean off his hands in silence. He didn’t help her but he didn’t stop her. Instead, he watched her. He wondered what she’d look like with shorter, redder hair. Why the fuck did that matter? God that little funny thing around her neck looked ridiculous. His outfit was just better. More authentic.
Pam paused, looking up at Ryan briefly before pulling the last piece of toilet paper from his wrists.
“Come on, doesn’t even a tiny part of you want to make Kelly happy?”
Ryan shrugged. He was just glad his hands were dry.
“Well obviously there is because well…you did it, you did all this after all, dressed up like this for her.” A pause. “And you do look really nice Ryan. Really.”
Ryan smirked. “Thanks. I guess.” He walked over and looked at Pam standing behind him in the mirror.
“You’re different now that Halpert’s gone,” He mused.
Pam’s face gave away the fact that she was shocked at Ryan’s words. Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink and Ryan wanted to throw up.
“I don’t think so,” She said, chin stuck out as far as she had trained it to go.
“I do.” He nodded towards the door. “I saw you out there dancing. You looked…happy. Or something.”
“Why? Were you watching me?” Pam asked quietly.
“Are you trying to corner me?” Ryan laughed. “I watch everybody. I take it all in. Know thy enemy.”
“So did Kelly dance?”
Ryan nodded, not missing a beat.
“Yep, sure did, with me even.”
Pam nodded. “I’m impressed.”
Ryan shook his head.
“Such a smart ass.”
“Oh I’m the smart ass?” Pam was laughing loudly now. “Well I learned from the best.”
“How on Earth did you learn from me? You never talk to me.”
Pam took a step back, hand to her chest, eyes wide, mouth still full of laughter.
“Ryan Howard you never talk to anyone. You barely talk to Kelly! You just sit there and listen and kiss her and…grab her ass every once in a while.”
Ryan closed one eye and tilted his head to the side.
“Huh. Are you watching me or something?”
Pam’s face returned to pink again.
“Bored without Halpert there?”
Pam’s mouth dropped open.
“What does that mean?”
Ryan clicked his tongue up in the roof his mouth.
“Nothing. It means nothing Pam. Just because I sit in his desk doesn’t make me him”
Pam gritted her back teeth and closed her eyes, opening them slowly.
“Ryan….maybe you’re just shocked that someone said they learned something from you.”
Ryan opened his mouth to reply but the bathroom door swung open. It was Kevin.
“Hey. You guys. Pam? What are you doing in here?”
Pam looked at him. Ryan didn’t bother.
“Nothing Kevin. I was just leaving.” She brushed past him, the door swinging and slamming behind her.
Kevin looked at Ryan.
“Did you guys have a fight?”
Ryan put his hands up, walking towards the door.
“Whatever man, I gotta get back to the…thing.”
“I didn’t even know you two spoke to one another.”
“Kevin-”
“You guys seem angry. Are you two gonna be like the angry Jim and Pam now that Jim is gone?”
Ryan stopped at the door, putting his head against it.
“I gotta get back Kevin. Go piss. And don’t forget to wash your hands.”
~ ~ ~
Pam had danced so hard her feet actually ached. Cute guys had twirled her and flirted with her around much to Kelly’s glee and she had even danced with Michael and Dwight. Oscar though, she had to admit, was the best dancer out of all the men she danced with.
Ryan had moved in and out, between people and around them, avoiding Kelly’s parents and dancing a few more times, once he almost bumped into Pam but she hadn’t noticed him, she had been too busy laughing. He felt like pretending to laugh for revenge. Maybe he was having a good time.
Pam took a break from dancing to be a spectator when she felt a tug on her arm. She turned half way around and saw Ryan standing behind her, nodding to the exit. Pam looked around for Kelly. She was across the room, laughing and talking to her parents. Ryan was already sitting on the steps when she walked outside.
“It’s fucking hot in there,” He said.
Pam looked around the parking lot full of cars.
“Did you…want something Ryan?”
He looked up like he had just noticed her there.
“Oh uh…” He shrugged. “Yeah. Maybe. I’m bored.”
“So you came out here to pick another fight with me?”
She stood up while Ryan sat. It made her feel like she had an advantage. She folded her arms for good measure.
“I don’t want to fight with you. Besides,” He smirked. “You’d lose.”
Pam felt her blood pressure rise.
“Look, if you’re gonna sit out here and ridicule me I can go back inside and-”
“I saved your stupid yogurt medals,” He blurted out.
Pam stopped, staring at the top of Ryan’s head.
“From the Office Olympics?”
Ryan nodded.
“Yep. Don’t ask me why. Guilt I guess.”
“Wow Ryan…I had no idea. So you…dug them out of the trash?”
“That. I did.”
Neither said anything for a long time. Pam thought about saying thank you but that sounded stupid. Ryan thought of asking her where she kept Jim’s medals because he knew she still had them but that was just as stupid.
“I want to leave Scranton. I want to get the hell out of here.”
Pam waited for him to say more.
“What about….”
“My job?” Ryan laughed. “I have a job barely making sales at a paper company that’s circling the drain, what about it? Those are a dime a fucking dozen.” He shook his head.
“Everything in this town is a dead end.” His voice was bitter.
“I was going to say what about Kelly,” Pam said quietly.
“Everything in this town is a dead end,” he repeated.
Pam slid one finger along the edge of the stair railing.
“You and Kelly…work. And I don’t know why but you do. You guys make sense together.” Pam was talking freely without booze, without help, without Roy. Without Jim.
“So that’s a reason to stay with somebody huh? Because it makes sense?”
Pam dropped down and sat beside Ryan on the cool concrete steps. She wrapped her arms around her knees, the wind catching her hair and she pushed it back with a gentle hand.
“No. I guess not.”
Ryan rolled his eyes.
“Don’t do that, don’t become defeated Pam again. You-” He stopped himself before he went any further, starting to stand but Pam grabbed his elbow, stopping him, pulling him back down beside her. Their legs were just barely touching, his pants peeking out from beneath the Kurta Kelly had picked out for him. Pam’s hand brushed it. It was soft and a little course.
“No, finish your sentence.” Pam’s voice was stern and shaky all at once.
Ryan sighed and looked upwards, outwards and sideways, anywhere but at Pam.
“Don’t be that girl, person anymore Pam. You don’t belong to Roy or Jim Dunder Mifflin or anyone but yourself. It’s just stupid…don’t be with someone or-or ‘like’ someone because everyone else thinks you should or because that’s what you’re supposed to do or because that makes sense. You can’t live your life that way. You get that don’t you?” He looked at her at last.
“Don’t you?” He repeated louder.
Pam nodded slowly.
“I do.”
“Good.”
“But I wonder…”
“What?” Ryan snapped.
“Are we talking about me…or are we talking about you?”
Ryan hung his head and exhaled slowly. Pam wondered if his lungs had drained from his body, he was quiet for so long.
“We’re talking about us,” He said in a misery voice.
Pam blinked at the word us. Us. It seemed to unify them. Something Ryan had never done with her before. Something Ryan had never really done with anyone.
Pam wasn’t going to be cliché and ask him if he loved Kelly. Third parties had dominated the conversation long enough and she was pretty sure she knew the answer to that question anyway.
“I’m…not sure what you mean.”
“Yeah…you are,” Ryan said, his voice leaving no room for questions, no room for argument. He stood up and this time Pam didn’t try to stop him.
“You’re very sure.”
“None of this is making any sense.” Pam was shaking her head, more out of disagreement with herself than actual confusion.
Her phone buzzed and vibrated, jumping around on the ground beside her where she had left it. Ryan reached down and grabbed it before she could. He flipped it open and closed it just as suddenly, dropping it back down onto her lap.
“It’s Halpert. Checking in I guess.” Ryan tried to hide the annoyance in his voice with a casual, who gives a fuck tone. It failed miserably.
“He’s drunk,” Pam said for no reason.
Ryan almost smiled.
“Good for him. He’s finally learned a thing or two.”
“Ryan don’t…”
But Ryan had grabbed the phone from her lap again and Pam made no move to take it from him. She sat and watched as he punched a few numbers, god his hands were fast. How often did he stay on his blackberry and who was he talking to?
“Here.” He handed the phone back to her this time.
“What was that for?”
But Ryan didn’t answer her, he was already walking back inside the building, his bare feet dirty on the undersides from the outside, the long fabric dancing around and clinging to his calves at different times and Pam stared until he was gone.
Her phone was vibrating again. She looked down at the blue screen cradled in her hand. It was another text from Jim.
“Hey ther…u awake? I think I am. Well, I waz. Work sux hard. That’s what she said.”
Pam opened a new screen to reply but another message popped up. God he really was drunk.
“What’s your favorite coffee anyway?”
Ryan.
Pam bit her bottom lip and hit reply.
“Anything but Starbucks. You know how I hate the corporate monster.”
There was no reply for a long time. Pam knew he was thinking. He couldn’t be typing, he wasn’t that slow.
She waited for a while and she wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like she couldn’t take her phone with her wherever she went.
No reply ever came but Jim did send her two more text messages. She laughed at them but it was half hearted and she replied telling him goodnight before she went inside to find her shoes and go home but she didn’t put them on, she keep them in her hands all the way to her car, tossing them in the backseat when she opened the door.
She drove barefoot back to her place because it felt right. Because she could.
~~~
“Dunder Mifflin this is Pam.”
8:58 and she was getting her first phone call of the day. It was for Michael and he was in the bathroom. She took a message, promising them he would call them back. She made sure she didn’t say soon or right away. Knowing Michael a game of who can drink the most orange juice straight out of a orange would commence (Creed would undoubtedly win) and take up half the morning so she left the message sitting on the top of her desk so he would see it one of the one hundred times he would pass by her desk during the day.
Oscar and Angela came in together. Dwight had been there for half an hour, getting there right after Michael, no surprise. Kevin came in next. Creed came in whistling. Stanley and Phyllis arrived laughing but once they reached the door, Stanley stopped. Meredith called in and said she would be late. She was hung over and maybe still a little drunk, Pam thought.
Kelly had taken the day off to spend it with her family after last night’s celebrations and Pam was sort of relieved. No early morning squeals and giggles. No bright pink shirts at 9am. No questions about where Ryan went the night before.
“Morning Pam.”
Pam looked up hopeful but her eyes and voice soon fell.
“Oh. Hi Toby.” What had she been expecting?
He gave a little wave and headed to his Office in the back. Pam wanted to call after him, tell him good morning and how was….your drive to work? She felt bad. But for what?
Snap out of it Beasley. She had to stop being and feeling so guilty, so worried and careful all the time. That was the promise she had made to herself and she was going to stick to it.
She cleared her throat and got up to go to the bathroom. 9:02 and she was bored with the day already.
She coughed into her sleeve as she came out. Jim’s old desk…Ryan’s desk was still empty. She looked at her watch before sitting down. 9:06.
She reached for her keyboard but her hand bumped into something. It was a plain white cup, no logo, just a card board holder wrapped around it. She wrapped her hands around it, it was warm. She brought it to her nose and inhaled. Coffee. Cheap gas station coffee and some of it had spilled onto her desk, like it had been tossed on her desk as an after thought, in a hurry.
She looked up to see Ryan sitting at his desk now, eyes glued to the screen, typing slowly. She knew he wasn’t really working.
“Don’t burn yourself,” He said just loud enough for her to hear, never once looking up.
They didn’t speak the rest of the day but Pam nursed the coffee until noon, twirling the ugly plastic around and around in her hands until it was gone.
END of Part 1
Fandom: The Office (US)
Pairing/Character: Pam/Ryan, Ryan/Kelly
Rating: R in general for language and potential sex
Summary: This picks up during the Diwali episode. The Angry!More Liberated!Pam and Jim? No. Much, more more than that. Title from the Ben Folds Five song, Brick.
Spoilers: Diwali episode and some Season 3 spoilers perhaps.
Word count: 2,979
Author's Notes: I ship Pam and Ryan hard so this is the result of my fantasies and efforts. I hope you enjoy. =)
Ryan had somehow managed to escape the loud music and the judgmental eyes and constant questions from Kelly’s parents and somehow he had ended up in the bathroom, examining himself in the half length mirror. He was sort of admiring, sort of criticizing this whole…look he had going.
It had been Kelly’s idea of course and he had gone along with it-of course. What other choice did he have? Kelly had been excited about Diwali for weeks, even though she had absolutely no idea what it meant or what it celebrated-still Ryan was almost charmed and a little annoyed at her enthusiasm.
It was constant.
And that was Kelly.
He had gotten used to it and didn’t even mind it so much. Sometimes. Well, at least he had learned to tune it out for the most part.
He turned the faucet on, splashing lukewarm water on his face, careful not to get anything on his Kurta. He had to admit, he kinda liked wearing it. It felt like pajamas almost. He could get used to this and never tell anyone.
He was just about ready to brave Kelly’s parents and the gym full of people again when the door to the bathroom burst open and Pam came sprawling in, face flushed, hair stuck to her neck and the sides of the face. She was laughing and out of breath.
“You look like you’re having a good time,” Ryan said dryly.
Pam stopped laughing and put her hand up to her mouth.
“Ryan? What are you doing in here?”
Ryan looked around at all the urinals.
“This is…the men’s room.”
Pam looked around as if seeing the room for the first time.
“Oh my god…oh my God I am, what the hell?” She started laughing again. Ryan knew she couldn’t be drunk, he hadn’t seen with a drink in her hand all night.
“So…did you want something?” He had just wanted to be left alone so if she was gonna interrupt him; she was going to have to pay for it.
Pam shook her head. She was calming down now.
“No I uh…just need a breather. It’s hot out there.”
“So you came to the men’s room?”
Pam blinked at him.
“I…guess so.” She shrugged, walking over to the sink beside his and began running her hands under the water.
Ryan turned around and did the same. The music from the gym shook the walls around them, blurred and distorted before it reached their ears.
“You uh…sure look like you were having fun out there?” He said it like a question; he didn’t know what else to say.
Pam nodded. “Yeah. I was. I was.” She repeated it to remind herself what it felt like to feel good and admit it.
“I really am having a good time. I’m so glad Kelly invited me. I think it was just what I needed.” Ryan wondered if Pam thought she was talking to the cameras instead of him.
Ryan sucked his lips into his mouth and nodded.
“Yeah. That was….so great of her.”
“Yeah. It was.”
The water ran hot on Ryan’s hands and he pulled them away, looking around for a paper towel dispenser. The only one there was empty. Fuck.
“Are you having a good time?”
“Huh, what?” He asked distracted in the midst of his quest for dry hands. He ducked into one of the stalls.
“Don’t use toilet paper, it’s only gonna stick to your ha…” Pam’s voice trailed off as Ryan came out, wet hands held out in front of him with bits of toilet paper stuck to them. She burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?”
Pam shook his head. She walked over and began picking the thin bits of paper from his hands.
“I wish Kelly could see this,” Pam said smiling.
Ryan shook his head.
“I don’t.”
Pam sobered.
“Oh.”
She helped clean off his hands in silence. He didn’t help her but he didn’t stop her. Instead, he watched her. He wondered what she’d look like with shorter, redder hair. Why the fuck did that matter? God that little funny thing around her neck looked ridiculous. His outfit was just better. More authentic.
Pam paused, looking up at Ryan briefly before pulling the last piece of toilet paper from his wrists.
“Come on, doesn’t even a tiny part of you want to make Kelly happy?”
Ryan shrugged. He was just glad his hands were dry.
“Well obviously there is because well…you did it, you did all this after all, dressed up like this for her.” A pause. “And you do look really nice Ryan. Really.”
Ryan smirked. “Thanks. I guess.” He walked over and looked at Pam standing behind him in the mirror.
“You’re different now that Halpert’s gone,” He mused.
Pam’s face gave away the fact that she was shocked at Ryan’s words. Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink and Ryan wanted to throw up.
“I don’t think so,” She said, chin stuck out as far as she had trained it to go.
“I do.” He nodded towards the door. “I saw you out there dancing. You looked…happy. Or something.”
“Why? Were you watching me?” Pam asked quietly.
“Are you trying to corner me?” Ryan laughed. “I watch everybody. I take it all in. Know thy enemy.”
“So did Kelly dance?”
Ryan nodded, not missing a beat.
“Yep, sure did, with me even.”
Pam nodded. “I’m impressed.”
Ryan shook his head.
“Such a smart ass.”
“Oh I’m the smart ass?” Pam was laughing loudly now. “Well I learned from the best.”
“How on Earth did you learn from me? You never talk to me.”
Pam took a step back, hand to her chest, eyes wide, mouth still full of laughter.
“Ryan Howard you never talk to anyone. You barely talk to Kelly! You just sit there and listen and kiss her and…grab her ass every once in a while.”
Ryan closed one eye and tilted his head to the side.
“Huh. Are you watching me or something?”
Pam’s face returned to pink again.
“Bored without Halpert there?”
Pam’s mouth dropped open.
“What does that mean?”
Ryan clicked his tongue up in the roof his mouth.
“Nothing. It means nothing Pam. Just because I sit in his desk doesn’t make me him”
Pam gritted her back teeth and closed her eyes, opening them slowly.
“Ryan….maybe you’re just shocked that someone said they learned something from you.”
Ryan opened his mouth to reply but the bathroom door swung open. It was Kevin.
“Hey. You guys. Pam? What are you doing in here?”
Pam looked at him. Ryan didn’t bother.
“Nothing Kevin. I was just leaving.” She brushed past him, the door swinging and slamming behind her.
Kevin looked at Ryan.
“Did you guys have a fight?”
Ryan put his hands up, walking towards the door.
“Whatever man, I gotta get back to the…thing.”
“I didn’t even know you two spoke to one another.”
“Kevin-”
“You guys seem angry. Are you two gonna be like the angry Jim and Pam now that Jim is gone?”
Ryan stopped at the door, putting his head against it.
“I gotta get back Kevin. Go piss. And don’t forget to wash your hands.”
~ ~ ~
Pam had danced so hard her feet actually ached. Cute guys had twirled her and flirted with her around much to Kelly’s glee and she had even danced with Michael and Dwight. Oscar though, she had to admit, was the best dancer out of all the men she danced with.
Ryan had moved in and out, between people and around them, avoiding Kelly’s parents and dancing a few more times, once he almost bumped into Pam but she hadn’t noticed him, she had been too busy laughing. He felt like pretending to laugh for revenge. Maybe he was having a good time.
Pam took a break from dancing to be a spectator when she felt a tug on her arm. She turned half way around and saw Ryan standing behind her, nodding to the exit. Pam looked around for Kelly. She was across the room, laughing and talking to her parents. Ryan was already sitting on the steps when she walked outside.
“It’s fucking hot in there,” He said.
Pam looked around the parking lot full of cars.
“Did you…want something Ryan?”
He looked up like he had just noticed her there.
“Oh uh…” He shrugged. “Yeah. Maybe. I’m bored.”
“So you came out here to pick another fight with me?”
She stood up while Ryan sat. It made her feel like she had an advantage. She folded her arms for good measure.
“I don’t want to fight with you. Besides,” He smirked. “You’d lose.”
Pam felt her blood pressure rise.
“Look, if you’re gonna sit out here and ridicule me I can go back inside and-”
“I saved your stupid yogurt medals,” He blurted out.
Pam stopped, staring at the top of Ryan’s head.
“From the Office Olympics?”
Ryan nodded.
“Yep. Don’t ask me why. Guilt I guess.”
“Wow Ryan…I had no idea. So you…dug them out of the trash?”
“That. I did.”
Neither said anything for a long time. Pam thought about saying thank you but that sounded stupid. Ryan thought of asking her where she kept Jim’s medals because he knew she still had them but that was just as stupid.
“I want to leave Scranton. I want to get the hell out of here.”
Pam waited for him to say more.
“What about….”
“My job?” Ryan laughed. “I have a job barely making sales at a paper company that’s circling the drain, what about it? Those are a dime a fucking dozen.” He shook his head.
“Everything in this town is a dead end.” His voice was bitter.
“I was going to say what about Kelly,” Pam said quietly.
“Everything in this town is a dead end,” he repeated.
Pam slid one finger along the edge of the stair railing.
“You and Kelly…work. And I don’t know why but you do. You guys make sense together.” Pam was talking freely without booze, without help, without Roy. Without Jim.
“So that’s a reason to stay with somebody huh? Because it makes sense?”
Pam dropped down and sat beside Ryan on the cool concrete steps. She wrapped her arms around her knees, the wind catching her hair and she pushed it back with a gentle hand.
“No. I guess not.”
Ryan rolled his eyes.
“Don’t do that, don’t become defeated Pam again. You-” He stopped himself before he went any further, starting to stand but Pam grabbed his elbow, stopping him, pulling him back down beside her. Their legs were just barely touching, his pants peeking out from beneath the Kurta Kelly had picked out for him. Pam’s hand brushed it. It was soft and a little course.
“No, finish your sentence.” Pam’s voice was stern and shaky all at once.
Ryan sighed and looked upwards, outwards and sideways, anywhere but at Pam.
“Don’t be that girl, person anymore Pam. You don’t belong to Roy or Jim Dunder Mifflin or anyone but yourself. It’s just stupid…don’t be with someone or-or ‘like’ someone because everyone else thinks you should or because that’s what you’re supposed to do or because that makes sense. You can’t live your life that way. You get that don’t you?” He looked at her at last.
“Don’t you?” He repeated louder.
Pam nodded slowly.
“I do.”
“Good.”
“But I wonder…”
“What?” Ryan snapped.
“Are we talking about me…or are we talking about you?”
Ryan hung his head and exhaled slowly. Pam wondered if his lungs had drained from his body, he was quiet for so long.
“We’re talking about us,” He said in a misery voice.
Pam blinked at the word us. Us. It seemed to unify them. Something Ryan had never done with her before. Something Ryan had never really done with anyone.
Pam wasn’t going to be cliché and ask him if he loved Kelly. Third parties had dominated the conversation long enough and she was pretty sure she knew the answer to that question anyway.
“I’m…not sure what you mean.”
“Yeah…you are,” Ryan said, his voice leaving no room for questions, no room for argument. He stood up and this time Pam didn’t try to stop him.
“You’re very sure.”
“None of this is making any sense.” Pam was shaking her head, more out of disagreement with herself than actual confusion.
Her phone buzzed and vibrated, jumping around on the ground beside her where she had left it. Ryan reached down and grabbed it before she could. He flipped it open and closed it just as suddenly, dropping it back down onto her lap.
“It’s Halpert. Checking in I guess.” Ryan tried to hide the annoyance in his voice with a casual, who gives a fuck tone. It failed miserably.
“He’s drunk,” Pam said for no reason.
Ryan almost smiled.
“Good for him. He’s finally learned a thing or two.”
“Ryan don’t…”
But Ryan had grabbed the phone from her lap again and Pam made no move to take it from him. She sat and watched as he punched a few numbers, god his hands were fast. How often did he stay on his blackberry and who was he talking to?
“Here.” He handed the phone back to her this time.
“What was that for?”
But Ryan didn’t answer her, he was already walking back inside the building, his bare feet dirty on the undersides from the outside, the long fabric dancing around and clinging to his calves at different times and Pam stared until he was gone.
Her phone was vibrating again. She looked down at the blue screen cradled in her hand. It was another text from Jim.
“Hey ther…u awake? I think I am. Well, I waz. Work sux hard. That’s what she said.”
Pam opened a new screen to reply but another message popped up. God he really was drunk.
“What’s your favorite coffee anyway?”
Ryan.
Pam bit her bottom lip and hit reply.
“Anything but Starbucks. You know how I hate the corporate monster.”
There was no reply for a long time. Pam knew he was thinking. He couldn’t be typing, he wasn’t that slow.
She waited for a while and she wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like she couldn’t take her phone with her wherever she went.
No reply ever came but Jim did send her two more text messages. She laughed at them but it was half hearted and she replied telling him goodnight before she went inside to find her shoes and go home but she didn’t put them on, she keep them in her hands all the way to her car, tossing them in the backseat when she opened the door.
She drove barefoot back to her place because it felt right. Because she could.
~~~
“Dunder Mifflin this is Pam.”
8:58 and she was getting her first phone call of the day. It was for Michael and he was in the bathroom. She took a message, promising them he would call them back. She made sure she didn’t say soon or right away. Knowing Michael a game of who can drink the most orange juice straight out of a orange would commence (Creed would undoubtedly win) and take up half the morning so she left the message sitting on the top of her desk so he would see it one of the one hundred times he would pass by her desk during the day.
Oscar and Angela came in together. Dwight had been there for half an hour, getting there right after Michael, no surprise. Kevin came in next. Creed came in whistling. Stanley and Phyllis arrived laughing but once they reached the door, Stanley stopped. Meredith called in and said she would be late. She was hung over and maybe still a little drunk, Pam thought.
Kelly had taken the day off to spend it with her family after last night’s celebrations and Pam was sort of relieved. No early morning squeals and giggles. No bright pink shirts at 9am. No questions about where Ryan went the night before.
“Morning Pam.”
Pam looked up hopeful but her eyes and voice soon fell.
“Oh. Hi Toby.” What had she been expecting?
He gave a little wave and headed to his Office in the back. Pam wanted to call after him, tell him good morning and how was….your drive to work? She felt bad. But for what?
Snap out of it Beasley. She had to stop being and feeling so guilty, so worried and careful all the time. That was the promise she had made to herself and she was going to stick to it.
She cleared her throat and got up to go to the bathroom. 9:02 and she was bored with the day already.
She coughed into her sleeve as she came out. Jim’s old desk…Ryan’s desk was still empty. She looked at her watch before sitting down. 9:06.
She reached for her keyboard but her hand bumped into something. It was a plain white cup, no logo, just a card board holder wrapped around it. She wrapped her hands around it, it was warm. She brought it to her nose and inhaled. Coffee. Cheap gas station coffee and some of it had spilled onto her desk, like it had been tossed on her desk as an after thought, in a hurry.
She looked up to see Ryan sitting at his desk now, eyes glued to the screen, typing slowly. She knew he wasn’t really working.
“Don’t burn yourself,” He said just loud enough for her to hear, never once looking up.
They didn’t speak the rest of the day but Pam nursed the coffee until noon, twirling the ugly plastic around and around in her hands until it was gone.
END of Part 1