something stupid (again)
I think I have gotten stupid again.
So, I pissed off my 'superior' today, by asking the wrong question at the wrong time. I could have waited till I was confirmed the job at Curry Favor, but no... no-no-no, I had to open my bloody mouth and ask him if there was any way I could not go for the end-of-year trip, should I be asked to work over the weekend.
Anyway, after realising my mistake, I backed down again, because I knew it wasn't fair to him. I don't really want to back out of this for such a flimsy reason, actually, and I do want to go to Bintan.
But something held me back...
If I were to say that I was too bored, and so I applied for the job, no one would believe me.
Considering I have 1 project due in less than a week's time, 3 projects due in two weeks' time, and 3 exams to mug for in less than 4 weeks, I must be out of my mind. That, on top of crew responsibilities, and CCO responsibilities.
The truth is, I really had a lousy summer.
For the entire four months, I've never really did anything that allowed me to relax or have fun. (Reading and writing fanfics is not exactly the fun that I was looking at. Yes, it was extremely comforting and fun to read and write, BUT still, I think my summer has been largely wasted.) Neither did I accomplish any internship requirement, nor did I manage to get a job. In short, I did not manage to earn money throughout the summer, despite the fact that I was working/studying.
And that really makes me annoyed.
Okay, so I'm money-minded. But it really is depressing when you see multiple entries under the credit column and only one or two debits in your personal bank account. (If you can't understand accounting, what I'm trying to say is that more money flows out than money going in.)
Money is not everything. But money can bring you around the world, if not make the world go round.
And so, I had to find alternative ways to earn money.
Being an RA, is not really a fantastic job. Seriously, because it's SO ad-hoc, I find it really difficult for me to work until I have to meet a deadline, BECAUSE I do have better things to do. However, if I have a fixed part-time job, then I have to commit myself to that job and hours.
It does seem naive when I say waitressing can enable me to network, and perhaps some nice person who's the boss of some company may find my service so good that he offers me an internship. Yes, chances are, it won't really happen to me, but I think the whole point of waitressing is missed.
Apart from getting money (which isn't really that great), I think it's a matter of learning how to interact with people, on the ground level. Frankly, I've not done any other job that requires me to work with people on the ground. (Mainly admin and paper work... ) So, there are certain things which I can't quite comprehend, whenever I interact with people from the service sector. And I think what is important, is that you have to understand this in order to become a good manager.
Waitressing may seem like a 'low-down' job, and maybe that's why the rest of my comm thinks that I can put my time to better use and earn more money. But I think the experience will be something that is hard to replicate in other jobs.
Or, to put it in more psychological terms:
I know that the pay for waitressing isn't that fantastic. But I still want to do it. So something must attract me to want to take up waitressing, which is intrinsic motivation. So, even if my chairperson offers to sponsor me money for the trip or whatever expense I occur as a committee member, it will not redress the imbalance I feel.
Simply put, I want to do something which I would like to do, but this is usually hampered by external/prior commitments. For example, I want to go out and work, but I can't, because I have to stay at home and call up sponsors (sounds familiar?), or I want to go for a holiday, but I can't, because I'm too busy working on my other external projects, and because I can't work (for money), I don't have money to pay for my trip EVEN if I do find the time. (Not that I don't want to go Bintan, but that facing these two optons, I know money is more important than leisure. But anyway, that money option is no longer available. I have to go for the trip.)
When you are not given the choice to do what you want to do, but have no choice but to commit to something else, which you don't really want to do, then your life becomes very miserable.
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Of course, everything is not confirmed. Who knows, they may decide not to hire me; I may decide not to accept the terms of employment. And then, we're back to square one. (Maybe I should just rob a bank and go on a holiday.)
I'm not sure if they sense that I'm already tired of my job, but I think that there's no way I can back out. Not only would it be too irresponsible of me... it just makes things difficult for me as well. Unless I'm willing to cut off all ties with the orchestra, it's not qutie possible. And I do remember why I decided to join and help, ALTHOUGH I wasn't so keen and was co-opted, NOT ELECTED. So, in a way, that makes a difference.
But as I said, quitting is not an option. I hate to fight a losing battle perpetually all the time, but someone has got to fight the raging fire.
So, please do come and support me in my work in music, 'cos I really need it. At least, even if I don't get paid for what I do, someone should come and buy those tickets on my behalf. It will definitely make me feel a lot better, ya know? (Thanks in advance.)
I still vaguely remember why I chose to be a fire-man (in the orchestra). That's why I bother to turn up for all those meetings. But one day, I may just forget it all, and someone must remind me why I'm here again.
Somehow, the author thinks that she's about to go mad one day.