malaise with a tinge of regret?
will keep this short, cos i'm kinda half dead with only 4 hours of sleep.
i accomplished two things yesterday. rode the bike that everyone worked so hard to buy for me, and rejected the first guy in university who's infatuated with me.
somehow i can't shrug off that terrible feeling that comes only when you've hurt someone you know. i do care for said person, but only as a friend.
i can't put a finger as to why i don't feel anything for him. a lack of connectedness, chemistry, etc... perhaps this partly stems from parental objections as well. so i asked myself, if my parents were wholly supportive of me dating this person, would i still reject him?
maybe not, but i probably won't be that happy either. i will have to force myself to like him (by self-hynopsis or otherwise) and eventually, i don't think i'll be truly happy with my choice.
the fact that he does remind of the first relationship makes it even more difficult for me to accept him. his mannerisms are somewhat similar, and there's this unexplainable discomfort when intimacy looms into the picture. i simply can't picture myself together with him in the longterm, and because i still care for him as a friend, i don't want to hurt him in greater ways.
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being 21 doesn't mean that you've grown up already and can declare that you know the world better than you did as a child or teenager.
it only means that you've existed on this planet for the past 21 years. while there is a correlation between the number of years lived and (useful) real-life experience, being 21 doesn't mean that i'm more mature or less mature than before.
however, there is one thing that has changed: my resolve to grow up.
in spite of my schizophrenic struggles to retain my child-like stupidity and naivety (not innocence) in search of a nirvana where the daily troubles of life cannot touch me, i know that my childish spasms are only a temporary mask of the deeper struggles that every human being has to face in this world. however, being misunderstood can be pretty painful, and i think that it's time that i stopped running and start facing reality.
it is an inner struggle to keep my child demon at bay, and resist from reverting back to a child whenever i hit a roadblock or wish to seek attention. but i have to resist it, because i know that demon is intricably linked to my inferiority complex.
being 21 is easy. growing up - that's the hard part.