Vampire Clan Sparklypoo - aka - 'Twilight'
By god what a terrible film!
In my defence i only saw it because i had the Rifftrax version which both me and Suse agreed would be the only way we'd ever see this movie fan-fic.
It all starts when a bland emotionless smile-a-phobe girl goes to live with her Dad in Rainville, a town perennially on the cusp of a downpour, without one ever actually occurring. This is very handy for the local clan on vampire catalogue models because it means they can all go to school here and be enigmatic and cliquey at the other stupid 'normal' kids.
On day one Bland Girl is given a truck for no good reason by native americans who are obviously werewolves and she goes to school to immediately fall in love with Bland Boy who happens to be one of the vampire catalogue models, albeit by far the ugliest (flat face, big stabby nose). Of course Bland Boy then misses the next few days of school which Bland Girl obsesses about endlessly, her life being so bland that stalking is now the only social option available to her in her spare time.
Eventually he comes back to school, they talk, she buys a book, he drives her home and when they both go for the car radio at the same time she, of course, realises that this means he is a vampire. Oh yeah, he does save her from being squished by a truck because her blandness prevents her taking one step to the right and thus getting out of the way but, frankly, its more Smallville then Nosferatu here. Still she goes with vampire (guess she has never heard about the classic 'daytime + vampire = bad' bit of the mythos before) and, fortunately for her ignorance he is! Well mostly a vampire. You see he is a vampire created by the bite of fan-fiction, which means he has all of the kewl powerz of vampirism but none of the drawbacks, like issues with mirrors or daytime. Sunlight, get this - you;ll like it, sunlight on this vampire's skin Just Makes It Go A Bit Sparkly.
Truly he is cursed by God!!!
At this point the film gets really bad, because Bland Boy is trying so hard to be angsty about his curse (oh i'm a monster!) when its quite obvious its just really neat. (He's also had oodles of years to deal with it too, so he's clearly got issues, or is just plain thick). I think we the viewer are expected to sympathise with his plight, but when his plight mostly consists of 'sparkling' thats pretty hard.
Oh, did i mention he's a telepath too? Yes? Oh, well, he is.
Truly he is cursed by God!!!
Vampirism naturally bonds our bland couple to death by...ah...hitting the girl with the plot stick, largely. Boy is vampire thus girl must fancy him, thats pretty much all the justification we get here and at no point is this ever further expanded. They then commence a bland courtship of lying around, staring at things and almost never actually speaking, especially not to one another in case, heaven forbid, one of them accidentally say something exciting and causing will saving throws vs death for all those within earshot.
Then, during a baseball game which can only be played during a storm so we can feel even sorrier for the clan of goody catalogue vampires, some baddy vampires turn-up and a Pose Off ensues! The drama here is virtually...incredibly...utterly...absent. It definitely seems that a vampires no1 weapon in their arsenal is A Jolly Good Stare, possibly even followed up with Good Hair. The goodies are all fearful that the baddies might do bad things to Bland Girl (one of them made a sarcy comment about her!) so they absolutely have to protect her. As they already outnumber the baddies 2 to 1 they do the obvious thing; send her obviously off away from them with just a lone escort, in a vehicle even slower than a piggyback ride.
Fortunately the baddies really aren't all that fussed, and just wander off...except for one! For this vampire is especially bad, because he has a ponytail, and for no good reason what so ever appears to decide he needs to eat Bland Girl above and beyond every single other girl ever. So he stalks her. Slowly. And badly. And after being told he's the best baddy vampire vampire tracker ever he spends several days going in the wrong direction and then has to go bully Bland Girl's slightly more interesting mum in order to phone Bland Girl and get her to meet him.
Yeah, real fiendish. Great tracking.
Bland Girl, being some sort of idiot, actually turns up and just gets thrown around a bit because otherwise the baddy would win. His dallying gives Bland Boy time to turn up (um...telepathy? Even though he can't read Bland minds due to plot? Um...) and after he gets beaten up for being shit the rest of the goody catalogue vampires turn up to easily beat the ponytailed baddy (did i mention one of the goodies can see the future? That was rather handy wasn't it?). Bland Girl is a bit hurt but, thanks to her severed femoral artery being as lifeless and bland as its owner, she can bleed away happily for many minutes whilst the catalogue vampires discuss what pose to take whilst they...ah...sort of suck the dyingness out of her. Yeah, i didn't get that either. I mean she got bitten a bit but i'm not sure how 'unbiting' her (cause thats what they did!) sewed her up and put all that blood back in her...
Luckily she passes out so the plot doesn't need to feed us trivialities like that and can instead just tell Bland Girl's mum that her daughter just fell down the stairs. Oh, and why did she flee home in a panic? Um...nope, not dealt with, what panicked flight? No, nothing to see here, just go back home and back to school tomorrow. Tra la la, everything is normal.
The end?
No.
Because teenage vampire-sexed-wanabee audience-gooers demand more, dammit, and by jove they get it! Why you can virtually sense their panties dampening as our Bland Couple go to their Bland Prom and dance a bit. And we even get our obligatory scene where Bland Girl asks to me made a vampire, due to its complete lack of drawbacks, only for Bland Boy to refuse (I don't want you to be cursed by God!!!) because otherwise there won't be as much for him to faux-angst over in the inevitable sequels where she is bound to be on deaths door and turning her is the only way he can save her (i don't know, i certainly haven't read this shit, but i'd put real money on it).
Then it ends.
Mercifully.
But i can never forget...
In my defence i only saw it because i had the Rifftrax version which both me and Suse agreed would be the only way we'd ever see this movie fan-fic.
It all starts when a bland emotionless smile-a-phobe girl goes to live with her Dad in Rainville, a town perennially on the cusp of a downpour, without one ever actually occurring. This is very handy for the local clan on vampire catalogue models because it means they can all go to school here and be enigmatic and cliquey at the other stupid 'normal' kids.
On day one Bland Girl is given a truck for no good reason by native americans who are obviously werewolves and she goes to school to immediately fall in love with Bland Boy who happens to be one of the vampire catalogue models, albeit by far the ugliest (flat face, big stabby nose). Of course Bland Boy then misses the next few days of school which Bland Girl obsesses about endlessly, her life being so bland that stalking is now the only social option available to her in her spare time.
Eventually he comes back to school, they talk, she buys a book, he drives her home and when they both go for the car radio at the same time she, of course, realises that this means he is a vampire. Oh yeah, he does save her from being squished by a truck because her blandness prevents her taking one step to the right and thus getting out of the way but, frankly, its more Smallville then Nosferatu here. Still she goes with vampire (guess she has never heard about the classic 'daytime + vampire = bad' bit of the mythos before) and, fortunately for her ignorance he is! Well mostly a vampire. You see he is a vampire created by the bite of fan-fiction, which means he has all of the kewl powerz of vampirism but none of the drawbacks, like issues with mirrors or daytime. Sunlight, get this - you;ll like it, sunlight on this vampire's skin Just Makes It Go A Bit Sparkly.
Truly he is cursed by God!!!
At this point the film gets really bad, because Bland Boy is trying so hard to be angsty about his curse (oh i'm a monster!) when its quite obvious its just really neat. (He's also had oodles of years to deal with it too, so he's clearly got issues, or is just plain thick). I think we the viewer are expected to sympathise with his plight, but when his plight mostly consists of 'sparkling' thats pretty hard.
Oh, did i mention he's a telepath too? Yes? Oh, well, he is.
Truly he is cursed by God!!!
Vampirism naturally bonds our bland couple to death by...ah...hitting the girl with the plot stick, largely. Boy is vampire thus girl must fancy him, thats pretty much all the justification we get here and at no point is this ever further expanded. They then commence a bland courtship of lying around, staring at things and almost never actually speaking, especially not to one another in case, heaven forbid, one of them accidentally say something exciting and causing will saving throws vs death for all those within earshot.
Then, during a baseball game which can only be played during a storm so we can feel even sorrier for the clan of goody catalogue vampires, some baddy vampires turn-up and a Pose Off ensues! The drama here is virtually...incredibly...utterly...absent. It definitely seems that a vampires no1 weapon in their arsenal is A Jolly Good Stare, possibly even followed up with Good Hair. The goodies are all fearful that the baddies might do bad things to Bland Girl (one of them made a sarcy comment about her!) so they absolutely have to protect her. As they already outnumber the baddies 2 to 1 they do the obvious thing; send her obviously off away from them with just a lone escort, in a vehicle even slower than a piggyback ride.
Fortunately the baddies really aren't all that fussed, and just wander off...except for one! For this vampire is especially bad, because he has a ponytail, and for no good reason what so ever appears to decide he needs to eat Bland Girl above and beyond every single other girl ever. So he stalks her. Slowly. And badly. And after being told he's the best baddy vampire vampire tracker ever he spends several days going in the wrong direction and then has to go bully Bland Girl's slightly more interesting mum in order to phone Bland Girl and get her to meet him.
Yeah, real fiendish. Great tracking.
Bland Girl, being some sort of idiot, actually turns up and just gets thrown around a bit because otherwise the baddy would win. His dallying gives Bland Boy time to turn up (um...telepathy? Even though he can't read Bland minds due to plot? Um...) and after he gets beaten up for being shit the rest of the goody catalogue vampires turn up to easily beat the ponytailed baddy (did i mention one of the goodies can see the future? That was rather handy wasn't it?). Bland Girl is a bit hurt but, thanks to her severed femoral artery being as lifeless and bland as its owner, she can bleed away happily for many minutes whilst the catalogue vampires discuss what pose to take whilst they...ah...sort of suck the dyingness out of her. Yeah, i didn't get that either. I mean she got bitten a bit but i'm not sure how 'unbiting' her (cause thats what they did!) sewed her up and put all that blood back in her...
Luckily she passes out so the plot doesn't need to feed us trivialities like that and can instead just tell Bland Girl's mum that her daughter just fell down the stairs. Oh, and why did she flee home in a panic? Um...nope, not dealt with, what panicked flight? No, nothing to see here, just go back home and back to school tomorrow. Tra la la, everything is normal.
The end?
No.
Because teenage vampire-sexed-wanabee audience-gooers demand more, dammit, and by jove they get it! Why you can virtually sense their panties dampening as our Bland Couple go to their Bland Prom and dance a bit. And we even get our obligatory scene where Bland Girl asks to me made a vampire, due to its complete lack of drawbacks, only for Bland Boy to refuse (I don't want you to be cursed by God!!!) because otherwise there won't be as much for him to faux-angst over in the inevitable sequels where she is bound to be on deaths door and turning her is the only way he can save her (i don't know, i certainly haven't read this shit, but i'd put real money on it).
Then it ends.
Mercifully.
But i can never forget...