honestly...

[thenthere]

i'm about to endeavor on what i have been avoiding for months now. i'm about to sit down and make myself write my supplementary application for mac health sci. this shouldn't be as emotional as i feel it is. i never wanted to be one of those annoying people with a specific plan, go to this university, get into this program, blah blah blah. i never thought i would be one of those people, mostly because i thought those people were annoying, neurotic and unhealthy. i'm sitting here trying to figure out how to squeeze myself into 1500 character blurbs that will make me be more than a 90% average. that's not an easy thing to do. i always thought that wanting something the way i want to get into this program was unhealthy, which i guess it is. i really didn't want to become so fixated that i'd be heartbroken when i didn't get in. but reading about the program, it just sounds so good. so what i want. obviously only one thing is really scaring the shit out of me right now, failure and rejection. for two main reasons, the thing i can most closely relate to wanting to get into this program was wanting to get snow queen, which i failed to do. i have focused as much on dance as i have on school for a long time now. i guess i was always under the impression that the harder you work, the better your reward and so i spent a lot of time working hard but never really knowing what it was for. last year i decided that getting that solo could be my reward for my hard work and i didn't get it. i put in all that effort and even fully recognized the reality that i wouldn't get the part, but i was still devastated when i didn't get it. i was as i said at the time, in a word 'crushed'. i really don't want this to be a repeat episode. i know saying all this makes me a totally fucking moron but it's what i think. i mean i've always been an overachiever in school (except perhaps for last semester) but i never really had a specific goal. at least not until recently, with this whole health sci possibility. the other reason i'm scared shitless of failing, is not because it will be big letdown number two of my year, but because someone else will succeed. generally i don't compare myself to this person, i gave up on that a long time ago (and i thought that my parents did too) but the prospect of fiona getting in and me not getting in, kills me. just kills me. i don't think this needs much explaining. i want this a lot, and i don't think fiona cares as much about it as i do. she's still not really sure what kind of science she really wants to do, she may end up being an architect or an engineer. so to her it's just another application, another program that she will inevitably get into because she is the perfect high school applicant. i say none of this out of spite, i don't really see myself as 'competing' with fiona, though i suppose i am, but in reality i'm competing against all the fionas, because there are of course fiona's everywhere and i can't fault them for being awesome. i can't, it's just a fact of life.

not being the best candidate shouldn't be some earth shattering thing and isn't really. if i don't get in, then i don't get in right? it's just a fact of life and i should leave it at that. but i can't just leave it at that, for those two reasons i can't leave it at that. i hate how something that has been about bettering myself for so long has led to me versus someone else. how it has led to a series of quantities and numbers. how do they rate my quality as an applicant? quantitatively. how good a student am i? they'll look at my rank, at my marks, my average but those numbers as we all know are so arbitrary sometimes. what about my extra-curricular activities, how many of them are there and for how many months/years did i participate in them. they think those numbers give them quality but they don't always.

well this is probably the shittiest mind set to be in to write the application. i should've waited until afterward. damn it. none the less i must try.

wish me luck.