(no subject)
I got a referral to see an endo about my PCOS. I want to get a doc that has experience with trans patients. I also want to get into see the doc up here that treats many of the ftms here. So, I've got an appt. with my doc to talk about this stuff on Friday. This basically means that besides my gf and my therapist, she is going to be the first person I "come out" to. That seems weird to me, and it seems like I'll be making a big first step of sorts. I really do want to start exploring the possibility of transition and I think getting in to the right doctors and talking about it up front will help me in the long run, if/when I decide to go ahead with stuff. I'm in no hurry, really. I mean, I don't want it to happen overnight, even if I had the chance. Because I'm a parent and there is more than just my reality at stake, I want to make sure that these changes that I want to make are as close to absolutely necessary as possible. That being said, I'm going to need to talk to my therapist about what exactly that would entail for both my child and the mother of my child. If I fuck that up, my life is over and there isn't much use for the pursuit of happiness if they aren't part of the plan. I don't want to heap it on myself, but there is a lot I want to figure out. I can't do it all at once, and that's where I get impatient. I think that I want to have a very rough time-line of my personal goals, and then I can talk to my doctors and make sure that it is a realistic measure of how these things are going to go. The last few weeks have been vastly different for me and how I've been thinking about myself. It kind of all culminated at my last physical on the 17th. I know that there is a certain acceptance that I have come to in regards to my body and my gender. I haven't always avoided it, in fact, I think I accepted it to the best of my ability and now that I have, I'm ready to reject it. What I mean, is that I accept the parts that I want to and now I'd like to change the things that I can no longer live with. I have to love this body, it's the one that I have, it's mine. And, I love it, but, more and more it feels less and less mine. I don't want to not recognize myself in photos. I don't want to have to tell myself that yep, that's me, right there. I should know this. It should be something I don't even have to think about. I'm getting older. In all reality, I'm already an adult. And, I think the fact that I don't feel like an adult, I feel like there is something missing, I feel like that it's because I am not an adult man. And, if I don't at least look into becoming one, then what if maybe I can never grow up? That's not fair to me or my family, right? I know that transition is not the only thing stopping me from being an adult, but it's the most major one, so maybe I can work on all the other stuff (maturing emotionally) while I transition? I can do that. I want to do this. I need to do it. I'm super scared. But, I'm less scared than I was 6 months ago. I can feel that every day I'm getting stronger and more brave about it.
Michele and I laid in bed last night for a long time talking quietly to each other, mostly about this stuff. And, she listened very intently. I love her. She admitted that she is scared about it and she knows that even though I'll be the same person, it would still change her and us, and those changes will need attention. I completely agree with her, I want it to affect her and Johnny, only in good ways. But, it is going to be hard for everyone and that really sucks. I don't want it to be hard for anyone but me.
That's all the stuff in my head right now, I think. I've been having very bad pain in my right ovary the last two days and it makes this stuff even more important, because I don't want my ovaries. So, when I have to pay attention to them, it makes me feel...I can't think of the word. It makes me feel like I want to ignore the pain because I shouldn't be having it because I shouldn't have ovaries...I don't know if that makes sense or not. The pain is so bad though that I can't ignore it, so I feel like I've been defeated by my own body. I kind of feel embarrassed. Almost ashamed, I guess. I don't like having these feelings, but I think it is a good thing that I'm writing about them, because I can hardly ever do that.
I swear, I'm almost done writing, but I think I'm getting better at the feelings, because I have myself thinking that I'm closer to who I really am, because I can almost say out loud, that I am transgender. That is all.
Michele and I laid in bed last night for a long time talking quietly to each other, mostly about this stuff. And, she listened very intently. I love her. She admitted that she is scared about it and she knows that even though I'll be the same person, it would still change her and us, and those changes will need attention. I completely agree with her, I want it to affect her and Johnny, only in good ways. But, it is going to be hard for everyone and that really sucks. I don't want it to be hard for anyone but me.
That's all the stuff in my head right now, I think. I've been having very bad pain in my right ovary the last two days and it makes this stuff even more important, because I don't want my ovaries. So, when I have to pay attention to them, it makes me feel...I can't think of the word. It makes me feel like I want to ignore the pain because I shouldn't be having it because I shouldn't have ovaries...I don't know if that makes sense or not. The pain is so bad though that I can't ignore it, so I feel like I've been defeated by my own body. I kind of feel embarrassed. Almost ashamed, I guess. I don't like having these feelings, but I think it is a good thing that I'm writing about them, because I can hardly ever do that.
I swear, I'm almost done writing, but I think I'm getting better at the feelings, because I have myself thinking that I'm closer to who I really am, because I can almost say out loud, that I am transgender. That is all.