(no subject)
Okay, this is Day #2 of "I'm going to blog every day even if it doesn't make sense." Are you with me? Okay, also. This blog is now reserved only for gender stuff. So, that's why it is going to seem completely Captain Ahab. Okay? I have a lot of life going on and this is becoming an increasingly important aspect and I need this outlet for it. You're still with me, this is good. I should not be blogging at work. Not because I'm going to get into trouble, but because a while back, my therapist, my gf, and I decided that gender stuff gets an unofficial alloted time during the day, and at work is not one of these times. Too bad this week, though because if I don't write about it now, I probably won't get around to it and I'm already feeling useless these days, so just let me do it. Plus, if I get it out now, then I can get on with my day.
The thoughts that I've been having lately have to do with my imaginations about 'coming out' as trans. What would I say? Who would I tell first? What will they say back? How will I answer questions? What happens when they second guess me and that makes me less sure of myself? These are huge questions right now and I know that I'm not ready to get into all of that, but I have to think about it because it could totally happen. If I had it my way, then I would start T and everyone would just get it and I wouldn't have to say anything. Like, it would be the way I always felt it should be. I would grow up into a man. Simple. It's the daunting task of explaining and re-explaining and supporting my supporters and all of this that makes my head hurt, as if figuring all of it out in the first place wasn't hard enough. Aside from all the logisitcs of coming out and transitioning, I am still thinking about how exciting all this change could be, after the ball gets rolling so to speak. What would being a guy be like? I know that when I don't particularily feel girly, then I feel awesome. There are some times when gender isn't a factor and that's when I feel the best. I feel most confident when I feel like there isn't anyone around me seeing me as a girl. It is kind of hard to explain, but when I think that I am being the most myself it is when there is no hint of girl around. I can't think of a specific example, but these are the times that I think the male in me is actually out and showing. It is more that than having neither gender. I really feel a strong pull towards wanting to be male than wanting to be neither. I know that right now I'm more neither of the two than I am one or the other or both. I'm not both. Because I reject almost everything I can think of as female, or at least I'd like to reject all the female stuff. I don't know why that is either. Personally, I wish there was no such thing as gender. But, since there is, I think that my brain wants to pick one, even though I definitely know that I don't have to pick one. I just want to. I don't want boobs, I want a dick. I don't want to be pretty, I want to be handsome. I don't want to be kind, I want to be chivalrous. I don't want to be strong, I want to be tough. I realize that there isn't anything stopping me from being these things in my current gender presentation. And, I know that the people who really know me probably already know these things. So, it isn't that. So, why do I want to be FTM? I wonder if it really goes as deep as one's being can go. I am not a very spiritual person, and I tend not to think on really cosmic levels, so I don't know if I can explain myself well enough when it comes to not being at peace with who I am. I have accepted this body to the best of my ability. I have accepted and embraced my life as the person that I am. I still want to change things though, as I'm sure everyone wants to change things. Is wanting to transition very different from wanting to be taller or skinnier, or richer? I don't really know.
The thoughts that I've been having lately have to do with my imaginations about 'coming out' as trans. What would I say? Who would I tell first? What will they say back? How will I answer questions? What happens when they second guess me and that makes me less sure of myself? These are huge questions right now and I know that I'm not ready to get into all of that, but I have to think about it because it could totally happen. If I had it my way, then I would start T and everyone would just get it and I wouldn't have to say anything. Like, it would be the way I always felt it should be. I would grow up into a man. Simple. It's the daunting task of explaining and re-explaining and supporting my supporters and all of this that makes my head hurt, as if figuring all of it out in the first place wasn't hard enough. Aside from all the logisitcs of coming out and transitioning, I am still thinking about how exciting all this change could be, after the ball gets rolling so to speak. What would being a guy be like? I know that when I don't particularily feel girly, then I feel awesome. There are some times when gender isn't a factor and that's when I feel the best. I feel most confident when I feel like there isn't anyone around me seeing me as a girl. It is kind of hard to explain, but when I think that I am being the most myself it is when there is no hint of girl around. I can't think of a specific example, but these are the times that I think the male in me is actually out and showing. It is more that than having neither gender. I really feel a strong pull towards wanting to be male than wanting to be neither. I know that right now I'm more neither of the two than I am one or the other or both. I'm not both. Because I reject almost everything I can think of as female, or at least I'd like to reject all the female stuff. I don't know why that is either. Personally, I wish there was no such thing as gender. But, since there is, I think that my brain wants to pick one, even though I definitely know that I don't have to pick one. I just want to. I don't want boobs, I want a dick. I don't want to be pretty, I want to be handsome. I don't want to be kind, I want to be chivalrous. I don't want to be strong, I want to be tough. I realize that there isn't anything stopping me from being these things in my current gender presentation. And, I know that the people who really know me probably already know these things. So, it isn't that. So, why do I want to be FTM? I wonder if it really goes as deep as one's being can go. I am not a very spiritual person, and I tend not to think on really cosmic levels, so I don't know if I can explain myself well enough when it comes to not being at peace with who I am. I have accepted this body to the best of my ability. I have accepted and embraced my life as the person that I am. I still want to change things though, as I'm sure everyone wants to change things. Is wanting to transition very different from wanting to be taller or skinnier, or richer? I don't really know.