One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
You know what they say about men with big feet.... big shoes! But did you also know that every person in the UK knows someone who has made that joke? True fact. That considered, I always thought the idea of men with big feet having big shoes was one of those urban myths that has quickly disseminated into the sphere of public knowledge and acquired a factual status that is demonstrably false.
That was until last weekend, when I found myself in TK Maxx, a kind of post-nuclear supermarket where a load of tasteless cockroach-stock off the back of a lorry is flogged to the nouveau riche at fairly unreasonable prices. Anyway, me and Emma were in the shoe aisle, which is a bit like that final scene in The Birds, except with shoes. All of a sudden, my eye cast upon the most monstrous articles of footwear to ever be strewn across TK Maxx's mottled floors. These godalmighty titans were a typically globulous pair of Adidas trainers - but made in a staggering size 19. 19! That's 19.5 if you're in America, 57 if you're in Europe and too big even to comprehend if you're in Japan. Even Ian Thorpe, the Olympian doggy-paddler renowned for his Olympian-sized paws, only has size 17 feet. These things were more suited to lunar exploration than they were to track and field events. I thought I'd stumbled into some ludicrous CBeebies version of JJB Sports. Did these shoes belong to an embittered Tweenie?
Anyway, I took a photo of the gargantuan articles for the amusement of Livejournal, so that together we may ridicule and ostracise those with big feet. That way we can assume superiority over these beflippered Others, and use them to power industry in the dystopia of the future. I've included one of my shoes for scale. I'm a size 8. Yes, I know I have small feet. I should be a Welsh pop star.
So there you go. Men with big feet really do wear big shoes. This is real-life, cast-iron empirical proof, grabbing you by the balls and screaming "FACT!" in your face. It's like that riveting "Dispatches" programme on Channel 4. I half-expected Peaches Geldof to pop up out of nowhere and start wittering about Islam.
That was until last weekend, when I found myself in TK Maxx, a kind of post-nuclear supermarket where a load of tasteless cockroach-stock off the back of a lorry is flogged to the nouveau riche at fairly unreasonable prices. Anyway, me and Emma were in the shoe aisle, which is a bit like that final scene in The Birds, except with shoes. All of a sudden, my eye cast upon the most monstrous articles of footwear to ever be strewn across TK Maxx's mottled floors. These godalmighty titans were a typically globulous pair of Adidas trainers - but made in a staggering size 19. 19! That's 19.5 if you're in America, 57 if you're in Europe and too big even to comprehend if you're in Japan. Even Ian Thorpe, the Olympian doggy-paddler renowned for his Olympian-sized paws, only has size 17 feet. These things were more suited to lunar exploration than they were to track and field events. I thought I'd stumbled into some ludicrous CBeebies version of JJB Sports. Did these shoes belong to an embittered Tweenie?
Anyway, I took a photo of the gargantuan articles for the amusement of Livejournal, so that together we may ridicule and ostracise those with big feet. That way we can assume superiority over these beflippered Others, and use them to power industry in the dystopia of the future. I've included one of my shoes for scale. I'm a size 8. Yes, I know I have small feet. I should be a Welsh pop star.
So there you go. Men with big feet really do wear big shoes. This is real-life, cast-iron empirical proof, grabbing you by the balls and screaming "FACT!" in your face. It's like that riveting "Dispatches" programme on Channel 4. I half-expected Peaches Geldof to pop up out of nowhere and start wittering about Islam.