The FA Cup final: an autosummary.
Epic panning shot of the "Wembley Arch". Heavenly choirs of angels. Swirling skies. Sir Stanley Matthews. Lord Nelson. Lord Beaverbrook. Sir Winston Churchill. Lady Diana. Henry Cooper. FA suits feel the pressure lifting and resume sexual harrassment of secretaries. Lord Foster gives guided tour. Proud announcement that new Wembley has more toilets than any building in the world. Today they will be filled with yobs attempting to defecate out remains of overpriced burger and hot dog. Shiny illusions are shattered. A trip down Wembley Way. BBC attempt to harass innocent punters. BBC presenter resembling an overgrown child accosts Kensington toff. Kensington toff speaks with 'Bow Bells' accent. Presenter is fooled and fawns all over them. Unpleasant children sing Chelsea song while viewer fantasises about stamping on their faces. Images of yesteryear. White Horse final. People on the pitch. Nervous remarks about health and safety. Drooling, doddery old crowd member is wheeled out to give his thoughts, which, predictably, are not worth hearing. Wembley mythology shoved down hapless viewer's throat. John Motson, cryogenically preserved schoolboy from the nineteen-fifties. Sentimental story about Bobby Moore, noble donkey from the Golden Age of football. Ah, Bobby. Magical memories of the old Wembley. Everyone forgotten what a dump it was. Sepia-toned mental mirage of the Twin Towers. BBC America viewers become confused. Norman Whiteside emerges. Seems curiously serene but with a slightly belligerent edge. Complimentary champagne is mentioned. That explains it. Amusing footage from finals past. Broken legs. Policemen with dome helmets. Young boys with black teeth and rattles. Year after year of mundane finals. Traditional Wembley brass band. Toot toot toot. Shiny team buses. Cup Final suits. Jose Mourinho continues to remind of 'Pepe the Prawn' from The Muppets. Bob Geldof on pitch. Live Aid. Sense of joy and hope. G8. Watching G8 leaders scoff at the naivete of this bedraggled tramp. Sir Geoff Hurst. Some people on pitch. They think it's all over. Nervous remarks about health and safety. Back to the teams. Eulogies of Chelsea thugs. More Wembley Way. Glorious parade of red and blue, says Lineker. Kensington toffs wave flags. BBC has trouble finding United fans with Manchester accents. Legends parade. Legends all look mightily annoyed at being dragged away from complimentary champagne. Lesley Garrett and Sarah Brightman ululate hideous version of mind-numbing dirge "Abide With Me". Realisation that new Wembley looks a lot like the old one. Here we go again.