end-doing.
I just woke up about an hour ago, turning easily in my sheets as I become comfortable with the idea of getting up. The sun is starting to show slightly through the blinds every morning at 8:30am, and casts a grated shadow across the bed, and on my face. When I get up, I'm all smiles since I've just cleaned my room and it feels like I could do some kind of a performance in here.
Last night was awful, but Lauren came to my rescue. Our relationship has been on commuter status: passing by eachother every day, catching up only to make sure our rent payment was in on time, and exchanging simple jokes at ultimate. Otherwise, I keep to my room with work, and she keeps to the living room...last night I was incapacitated. Lying limp on my bed, full of tears she came in with determined concern. I let tears river, and told her the whole thing and somehow she found every right thing to say. Not even my mom or dad could salve the discomfort I was feeling. My mom scolded me, my dad was in disbelief. Lauren held my hand. I felt so much respect and love for her then, every little annoyance or distance I've felt about/towards her vanished. Instead there we were revealing in the fact that we've lived in this intentional community for four years (or so) and we've learned a thing or two about being present.
So off we went to Wasabi. I was famished, and exhausted--in the midst of watching an "appropriate" movie recommended by T--and ready to leave. I had some wine, we ate some tempura, and I picked up the tab. It was such a different evening from so many before. Instead of slogging through work and leftovers, we took some time to reflect together. And I felt so much better because of it.
All of this tumult makes me not want to return to Portland. Sure for a few days, but I think I need to take up root somewhere else..maybe even just seattle--or as far away as Chicago, Baltimore, who knows?
The unknown is bearing down on me with an uncompromising weight and I feel that I'm struggling to understand how to support myself--in so many ways! What happens after I leave school, potentially forever? School has been my guiding force, something to preoccupy, something to satiate or even distract. Now that it's gone, will I be blessed or damned? What happens if I don't get these jobs? Do I return to Portland where now so many people will judge me? Where my only community will be difficult to rejoin..? Is it okay not to love living with your parents/not to want to see them for years?
There's a scrimmage today with Radford, Davidson and UNC. I need to get ready and throw some pots. Here's to tea before 10.
Last night was awful, but Lauren came to my rescue. Our relationship has been on commuter status: passing by eachother every day, catching up only to make sure our rent payment was in on time, and exchanging simple jokes at ultimate. Otherwise, I keep to my room with work, and she keeps to the living room...last night I was incapacitated. Lying limp on my bed, full of tears she came in with determined concern. I let tears river, and told her the whole thing and somehow she found every right thing to say. Not even my mom or dad could salve the discomfort I was feeling. My mom scolded me, my dad was in disbelief. Lauren held my hand. I felt so much respect and love for her then, every little annoyance or distance I've felt about/towards her vanished. Instead there we were revealing in the fact that we've lived in this intentional community for four years (or so) and we've learned a thing or two about being present.
So off we went to Wasabi. I was famished, and exhausted--in the midst of watching an "appropriate" movie recommended by T--and ready to leave. I had some wine, we ate some tempura, and I picked up the tab. It was such a different evening from so many before. Instead of slogging through work and leftovers, we took some time to reflect together. And I felt so much better because of it.
All of this tumult makes me not want to return to Portland. Sure for a few days, but I think I need to take up root somewhere else..maybe even just seattle--or as far away as Chicago, Baltimore, who knows?
The unknown is bearing down on me with an uncompromising weight and I feel that I'm struggling to understand how to support myself--in so many ways! What happens after I leave school, potentially forever? School has been my guiding force, something to preoccupy, something to satiate or even distract. Now that it's gone, will I be blessed or damned? What happens if I don't get these jobs? Do I return to Portland where now so many people will judge me? Where my only community will be difficult to rejoin..? Is it okay not to love living with your parents/not to want to see them for years?
There's a scrimmage today with Radford, Davidson and UNC. I need to get ready and throw some pots. Here's to tea before 10.