(no subject)
You know I really don't think I can do this anymore. I really feel like i'm wasting my life, especially since the bomb attacks in London, [which my dad almost got involved it. He was in the tube BEFORE the one that exploded near Edgeware]. I don't know what it is about me, but there's just something wrong somewhere. I hate talking about it because I don't want to seem so fucking whiney and moaney when my life could be so much worse but if I don't i'll just dwell on it silently and make it get worse and worse.
I've always had low self esteem, it's like a cancerous tumour in my brain, it just grows and grows as I get older. I know it's just as bad as it was when I was 13, 9, 15 whatever but right now at 19 it seems so fucking deep and black and horrible. It's everything about me, about being a girl. I hate the way I look and wish I could just take a pill and wake up in a few days and be the person I want to be, and know I have inside me. I want to be thin, and I know i'm not overly fat or obese or anything, compared to most girls i'm pretty normal. But you know what? i'm just not satisfied with it but i'm not. I want to be a size 10, with a flat stomach and thin little hips and lithe arms but i'm not i'm just me and every day it gets worse. My appearance lies in my own hands, but I don't gorge myself on food, or junk and fizzy drinks. I guess its just exercise that's my problem, but I just don't have any motivation. It's honestly a huge problem, I just can't get myself out of bed. I'm tired all the time, on the verdge of tears.
I sit at home all day, no job, no money, no life. I just want to sleep forever. And i'm in such a dark place right now that I can't see past my own misery. I can't be happy for anyone else. Kate and Mike are really happy together and it's their engagement party tomorrow night and I can already feel the dread inside of me. I'm already seeing it unfold out infront of me. Me and mum will turn up, i'll feel upset or something, not good enough etc, and be really snappy and sharp with everyone and look like a total bitch. I hope James doesn't come with Ella because honestly, it'll just put the icing on the cake. Last time I saw him we had an argument and I probably called him really horrible things, I can't remember I was drunk. Anyways if he does come, and Kirsty arrives with Rich Ella will be in competetion with her from the first second. That means she'll dance the sluttiest, be all over James and just fucking ignore me and because it's Kate and Mike's do, not a lot of people I know will be there so i'll feel all isolated and horrible and stuff. And I know i'm going to be ansty anyway because I can't smoke in front of my mum. Jesus. I was really looking forward to tomorrow night but now, since i've talked to Ella I just don't feel like going. There's seriously something wrong with me.
You know it really is true that you can only be happy for other people if you're happy with yourself. And i'm not. So i'm probably the most bitter and jealous person on the planet right now. I'm way too self involved. As this post shows. It's like my closet friends as in serious relationships, all of them, and it kills me because I want to say, 'That's so amazing i'm really happy for you and I hope you're happy like you are now for the rest of your life" but I can't. Instead i'm all tight lipped smile and nods and a 'That's...nice'.
Ella was on the phone to me earlier [sometimes I think she is the root of all my problems because when I spend time with Kate I have none of these insecurities] and we were talking about how I don't want to see her and James all over each other because it makes me feel sick and she said that she was thinking about it and that when she sees someone kiss she thinks 'Aw that's nice they're so in love' and when I see someone kiss i'm all 'Urgh that's disgusting, get away from me'. Like I said because I am alone and will probably die alone. I'm not going to lie, I do hate my life and what being in Cheltenham does to me. I love being away from here and wish I could be someplace like Africa or India working somewhere and helping someone. Or maybe having someone who I know loves me on the other end of the phone. But I don't. And it makes me sad.
I wish my life could be different and I could be someone i'm happy with and just go with it and relax and not be so uptight. Sometimes I just want to get a knife and rip away all the parts of me I don't like, but that would take ages and once I started I guess i'd never stop until there was nothing left. I suppose it's part of my life that i'm always going to be unfulfilled and disapointed with what i'm given, it's a human flaw. I just can't stand it sometimes.
Fuck it. Fuck it all.
Oh and PS I saw a man today with an 'ISLAM IS EVIL' shirt. How fucked up is that? Blaming a religion that promotes love for a few individuals twisted ideals. That's where racial and religious hate comes from. Ignorant fucking middle class cunts.
That is all.
I've always had low self esteem, it's like a cancerous tumour in my brain, it just grows and grows as I get older. I know it's just as bad as it was when I was 13, 9, 15 whatever but right now at 19 it seems so fucking deep and black and horrible. It's everything about me, about being a girl. I hate the way I look and wish I could just take a pill and wake up in a few days and be the person I want to be, and know I have inside me. I want to be thin, and I know i'm not overly fat or obese or anything, compared to most girls i'm pretty normal. But you know what? i'm just not satisfied with it but i'm not. I want to be a size 10, with a flat stomach and thin little hips and lithe arms but i'm not i'm just me and every day it gets worse. My appearance lies in my own hands, but I don't gorge myself on food, or junk and fizzy drinks. I guess its just exercise that's my problem, but I just don't have any motivation. It's honestly a huge problem, I just can't get myself out of bed. I'm tired all the time, on the verdge of tears.
I sit at home all day, no job, no money, no life. I just want to sleep forever. And i'm in such a dark place right now that I can't see past my own misery. I can't be happy for anyone else. Kate and Mike are really happy together and it's their engagement party tomorrow night and I can already feel the dread inside of me. I'm already seeing it unfold out infront of me. Me and mum will turn up, i'll feel upset or something, not good enough etc, and be really snappy and sharp with everyone and look like a total bitch. I hope James doesn't come with Ella because honestly, it'll just put the icing on the cake. Last time I saw him we had an argument and I probably called him really horrible things, I can't remember I was drunk. Anyways if he does come, and Kirsty arrives with Rich Ella will be in competetion with her from the first second. That means she'll dance the sluttiest, be all over James and just fucking ignore me and because it's Kate and Mike's do, not a lot of people I know will be there so i'll feel all isolated and horrible and stuff. And I know i'm going to be ansty anyway because I can't smoke in front of my mum. Jesus. I was really looking forward to tomorrow night but now, since i've talked to Ella I just don't feel like going. There's seriously something wrong with me.
You know it really is true that you can only be happy for other people if you're happy with yourself. And i'm not. So i'm probably the most bitter and jealous person on the planet right now. I'm way too self involved. As this post shows. It's like my closet friends as in serious relationships, all of them, and it kills me because I want to say, 'That's so amazing i'm really happy for you and I hope you're happy like you are now for the rest of your life" but I can't. Instead i'm all tight lipped smile and nods and a 'That's...nice'.
Ella was on the phone to me earlier [sometimes I think she is the root of all my problems because when I spend time with Kate I have none of these insecurities] and we were talking about how I don't want to see her and James all over each other because it makes me feel sick and she said that she was thinking about it and that when she sees someone kiss she thinks 'Aw that's nice they're so in love' and when I see someone kiss i'm all 'Urgh that's disgusting, get away from me'. Like I said because I am alone and will probably die alone. I'm not going to lie, I do hate my life and what being in Cheltenham does to me. I love being away from here and wish I could be someplace like Africa or India working somewhere and helping someone. Or maybe having someone who I know loves me on the other end of the phone. But I don't. And it makes me sad.
I wish my life could be different and I could be someone i'm happy with and just go with it and relax and not be so uptight. Sometimes I just want to get a knife and rip away all the parts of me I don't like, but that would take ages and once I started I guess i'd never stop until there was nothing left. I suppose it's part of my life that i'm always going to be unfulfilled and disapointed with what i'm given, it's a human flaw. I just can't stand it sometimes.
Fuck it. Fuck it all.
Oh and PS I saw a man today with an 'ISLAM IS EVIL' shirt. How fucked up is that? Blaming a religion that promotes love for a few individuals twisted ideals. That's where racial and religious hate comes from. Ignorant fucking middle class cunts.
That is all.