Okay People. This is a rant. An emotional one.
Sorry this isn't under a cut. Actually i'm not. I'm upset and it's my journal. And it's full of typos and mistakes. Give me a break, it's hard to see when you're crying.
It always seems whenever I get my ass on here I complain. Whatever. I need to complain to SOMETHING, and this is my only outlet. Anyways, to cut a long story short, my Grandad is ill, not like, dying ill (At least I hope not) but ill enough that i'm worried. He woke up last Thursday or Friday morning with muscle weakness in his legs and pins and needles in his hands, and they go numb sometimes and he can't walk very well or do up his shirt buttons and stuff. He's 75 and had diabetes type 2. The Doctor ran some blood tests but can't find anything definite, which is pissing everybody off. He mentioned something about potassium, but who the hell knows? He's got another Doctor's appointment on Friday, but I doubt they'll find anything else. *Sigh* It's just one of those things that happens when people get older I guess. It kinda hurts me to look at him sometimes, when he's in his chair and he has to hold his teacup with both hands 'cause his hands shake too much. God, i'm fucking crying now. Great. I mean i've always been so close to him, ever since I was a baby. He always used to read to me and stuff. He's always been a part of my life. He's a part of ME. It hurts so much to think he might not be around in the not too distant future tears my fucking heart to shreds. It makes it even worse that i've lived with him, my Nan and my Mum since I was 11, and i'm 18 now and I just can't bear to think about it when my Grandparents have to die, and not be here anympre. I don't know what i'll do. I don't know what Mum will do. My Nan's 85 now, and everything's slowing down and I get so frightened sometimes. Like when I go into town and come back home i'm scared that when I walk through the door i'll see them on the floor, like they've had a fall or something, or a stroke or a heart attack. I know I can't stay this worried and uptight all the time or i'll snap. I think my Mum is starting to walk that snapping line.
I've noticed that she's been stressed these past few days, and I DO understand what she goes through. She's an only child, like me so it's her sole responsibilty to look after her parents, as it will be mine when she gets older. She gets up at 6 every morning for work, she has to shower, get the paper, feed the dog, get ready all in the space of about two hours, which isn't that easy when you really think about it. Then she goes to work until 5 Monday to Wednesday, or 1 Thursday to Friday. She works in a college lanundrette, so she's on her feet all day, bending over, folding things, crouching down. She's so exhausted when she comes home. I know she must be as worried as me, but for some reason none of us will really talk about it. I thought that I was a really open person, but when it comes down to it, i'm really not. I guess sometimes i'm too scared or worried to really admit anything. Example: Just before I started Uni, I stubbornly refused to admit I was nervous. I mean I was, I had to be, because at this stage in life, it's one of the biggest things isn't it? Moving away and starting a new chapter, making new friends and stuff. But I blocked everything out. I just blocked it. I don't even know how I did it.
Mum's doing exactly what I do. She's blocking. She needs to talk about how scared she is, or worried, or both. But I'm scared of it too. The last time I saw her cry was like, years ago, and it kinda broke my heart a little. I cry all the time, I guess i'm just oversensitive. I know if I see her cry, or upset it'll make me feel even more vulnerable, because when your rock crumbles, what else do you have?
It's hard to admit that Mums are human.
So before she went to bed she came in my room to say goodnight. Because I wanted to be able to walk the dog in the morning (Another thing my Granddad can no longer do), and maybe help my Nan with the washing up or something I asked her to wake me up before she goes to work. But she said she wanted to ring the loan company at 8, so I asked can she wake me up a bit earlier, then she started going on about how she has to have a shower, get the papers etc, but she said it in a really, not nasty way, but kinda patronising I suppose. Anyway it pissed me off a bit, especially as earlier she was talking about a program on the telly she watched but when I asked her what it was about she got all weird and said she couldn't be bothered, which is really out of character for her. I turned away and said 'Fine then, don't bother'. I KNOW, I KNOW it's not the best way to go about things but I wanted 5 MINUTES OF HER TIME. Then she snapped at me that I should be more understanding. Hello? I am, I live here 24/7. I see it all, it affects me just as much as it does her. So she left my room without saying goodnight or anything, which I hate. But we both got annoyed and upset. At least I got upset. As my tears prove. I hate arguing, especially with her. I'll just have to set the alarm on my phone, even though I ALWAYS sleep through it cause I don't have an alarm clock. Not at home anyway.
Cause of all this I feel guilty about going back to Uni on the 3rd. I feel I have to be here for some reason. And i've been home for almost two months, and i've gotten back into the old routine. And i've gotten back into Chris. *Sigh*. I'm not going to lie, I still think about him all the time. I'm still hopelessly in crush with him. And his stupid mate Dave asked me out instead. That was awkward. I wished I liked him like that, it would've been so easy. And it would've been fun to say to Spidey (My new gay friend) that I have a black boyfriend, cause he leans towards racism. But anyway. What would I have given if it was Chris who had said the things Dave said? A lot. Possibly even an arm. Whenever I see him I get butterflies. It's not good. And I pretend I don't like him cause i'm stupid and proud. I don't even know if he likes me really. I mean if he sees me he'll wave or something or maybe come over and talk for a while. I really hope Dave didn't like me that much, and told Chris, then Chris backed off because boys are stupid. Stupid heart.
I better stop now, or I never will. I'm sorry i'm not more interesting.
<3
It always seems whenever I get my ass on here I complain. Whatever. I need to complain to SOMETHING, and this is my only outlet. Anyways, to cut a long story short, my Grandad is ill, not like, dying ill (At least I hope not) but ill enough that i'm worried. He woke up last Thursday or Friday morning with muscle weakness in his legs and pins and needles in his hands, and they go numb sometimes and he can't walk very well or do up his shirt buttons and stuff. He's 75 and had diabetes type 2. The Doctor ran some blood tests but can't find anything definite, which is pissing everybody off. He mentioned something about potassium, but who the hell knows? He's got another Doctor's appointment on Friday, but I doubt they'll find anything else. *Sigh* It's just one of those things that happens when people get older I guess. It kinda hurts me to look at him sometimes, when he's in his chair and he has to hold his teacup with both hands 'cause his hands shake too much. God, i'm fucking crying now. Great. I mean i've always been so close to him, ever since I was a baby. He always used to read to me and stuff. He's always been a part of my life. He's a part of ME. It hurts so much to think he might not be around in the not too distant future tears my fucking heart to shreds. It makes it even worse that i've lived with him, my Nan and my Mum since I was 11, and i'm 18 now and I just can't bear to think about it when my Grandparents have to die, and not be here anympre. I don't know what i'll do. I don't know what Mum will do. My Nan's 85 now, and everything's slowing down and I get so frightened sometimes. Like when I go into town and come back home i'm scared that when I walk through the door i'll see them on the floor, like they've had a fall or something, or a stroke or a heart attack. I know I can't stay this worried and uptight all the time or i'll snap. I think my Mum is starting to walk that snapping line.
I've noticed that she's been stressed these past few days, and I DO understand what she goes through. She's an only child, like me so it's her sole responsibilty to look after her parents, as it will be mine when she gets older. She gets up at 6 every morning for work, she has to shower, get the paper, feed the dog, get ready all in the space of about two hours, which isn't that easy when you really think about it. Then she goes to work until 5 Monday to Wednesday, or 1 Thursday to Friday. She works in a college lanundrette, so she's on her feet all day, bending over, folding things, crouching down. She's so exhausted when she comes home. I know she must be as worried as me, but for some reason none of us will really talk about it. I thought that I was a really open person, but when it comes down to it, i'm really not. I guess sometimes i'm too scared or worried to really admit anything. Example: Just before I started Uni, I stubbornly refused to admit I was nervous. I mean I was, I had to be, because at this stage in life, it's one of the biggest things isn't it? Moving away and starting a new chapter, making new friends and stuff. But I blocked everything out. I just blocked it. I don't even know how I did it.
Mum's doing exactly what I do. She's blocking. She needs to talk about how scared she is, or worried, or both. But I'm scared of it too. The last time I saw her cry was like, years ago, and it kinda broke my heart a little. I cry all the time, I guess i'm just oversensitive. I know if I see her cry, or upset it'll make me feel even more vulnerable, because when your rock crumbles, what else do you have?
It's hard to admit that Mums are human.
So before she went to bed she came in my room to say goodnight. Because I wanted to be able to walk the dog in the morning (Another thing my Granddad can no longer do), and maybe help my Nan with the washing up or something I asked her to wake me up before she goes to work. But she said she wanted to ring the loan company at 8, so I asked can she wake me up a bit earlier, then she started going on about how she has to have a shower, get the papers etc, but she said it in a really, not nasty way, but kinda patronising I suppose. Anyway it pissed me off a bit, especially as earlier she was talking about a program on the telly she watched but when I asked her what it was about she got all weird and said she couldn't be bothered, which is really out of character for her. I turned away and said 'Fine then, don't bother'. I KNOW, I KNOW it's not the best way to go about things but I wanted 5 MINUTES OF HER TIME. Then she snapped at me that I should be more understanding. Hello? I am, I live here 24/7. I see it all, it affects me just as much as it does her. So she left my room without saying goodnight or anything, which I hate. But we both got annoyed and upset. At least I got upset. As my tears prove. I hate arguing, especially with her. I'll just have to set the alarm on my phone, even though I ALWAYS sleep through it cause I don't have an alarm clock. Not at home anyway.
Cause of all this I feel guilty about going back to Uni on the 3rd. I feel I have to be here for some reason. And i've been home for almost two months, and i've gotten back into the old routine. And i've gotten back into Chris. *Sigh*. I'm not going to lie, I still think about him all the time. I'm still hopelessly in crush with him. And his stupid mate Dave asked me out instead. That was awkward. I wished I liked him like that, it would've been so easy. And it would've been fun to say to Spidey (My new gay friend) that I have a black boyfriend, cause he leans towards racism. But anyway. What would I have given if it was Chris who had said the things Dave said? A lot. Possibly even an arm. Whenever I see him I get butterflies. It's not good. And I pretend I don't like him cause i'm stupid and proud. I don't even know if he likes me really. I mean if he sees me he'll wave or something or maybe come over and talk for a while. I really hope Dave didn't like me that much, and told Chris, then Chris backed off because boys are stupid. Stupid heart.
I better stop now, or I never will. I'm sorry i'm not more interesting.
<3