This is long and not going under a cut so deal with it.
I know I haven’t made a ‘real’ entry in a long, long time, so that’s what I’m going to do now, even though it’ll probably bore you to tears [if you even read this!].
Friends - Things are going pretty well at the moment, touch wood, we all seem to be getting along, especially as it’s my 18th birthday in about 2 weeks, and also the leavers ball so everyone’s getting excited and being really chatty and hyper about it. I’m really looking forward to it actually, which surprises me, given that I’m a…well, practically a recluse. But yeah, I’m getting real excited about it ‘cause Ella keeps planning it and making me all happy and stuff. Kate and I are as close as ever, I think, well I hope anyway. She has a lot on her plate at the moment, because she’s going through a lot of shit with her mum at the moment, and I know I worry her when I talk about self-harming, and I feel guilty talking about it to her sometimes because I think that she doesn’t need it, with all she’s already worrying about. * Sigh *. Ella and I have moments where we really, really get on and times when we clash over stupid things. For instance, I’m driven towards creating a better life for myself. I don’t want to be stuck in one place for the rest of my life working in a shop or cleaning or something like my mum. I want to go to Uni, get some qualifications, experience different things, learn about myself, and become independent and able to survive on my own and eventually get a fucking fantastic job doing something I love. I’m optimistic about it because I don’t want to dwell on the negative. Whereas Ella just meanders along, waiting for something to fall into her lap, and it really annoys me, well maybe not annoy, more like frustrates me because I think, how can you just waste your life like that? Her life is about going out and getting drunk, and yeah she’s 18, and soon I’m going to be too, but still, that’s not what I think life’s about. I want to travel and see new things. I want to go to the States and Japan and the Caribbean just to see what it’s like. I want to go to Europe and check out the different cultures and appreciate my life a little more. I like art and literature and music and I don’t want to limit myself to England for the rest of my life. Even if I have to do it on my own, I’ll still do it somehow. My friend Anna is in Australia for a year fruit picking, but she’s still there. She’s still doing something new. I’m really jealous about that. So yeah, I have a lot of ambitions and dreams and sometimes I suffocate myself with them. I don’t see my other friends as much as I’d like, since leaving school everything’s changed so much more than I thought it would. Ali’s always working at her playgroup 8am - 6pm and she’s loving it, but when she’s not at work she’s out clubbing every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday and she’s fucking exhausted. Hayley’s working her arse off to save money for Uni or seeing her boyfriend James, Kim’s working or seeing her boyfriend Joe, I don’t know what the hell Heather’s up to and Kerry’s just wandering along with her boyfriend Luke and arguing with her mum. I never see her because she has no money because she’s doesn’t work. Mike works during the week too, and I never see him either. Hmm. It really changes everything, growing up. It’s scary! But I think I’m ready for it, because I’m not going to let myself stagnate.
Work - I’ve finally snagged a job, thank fucking Christ! It’s the one I went for, Pineapple the clothes shop. I start on Wednesday 30th of June. I can’t fucking wait, I’ve been so bored just sitting around doing nothing. I need some more money because I can’t afford to pay for the net, my contact lenses and my phone with the guilt money my dad gives me every month. It’s 8 hours a week, which isn’t bad at all, and I don’t have to work weekends unless someone’s sick or something. It’s around £4.50 an hour, which is coolio, and it’s 2 hours on a Wednesday, 4 hours on a Thursday and another 2 hours on a Friday. And I get 60% discount. Go me!
Exams - To put it bluntly, they are going shit. It’s my own fault, I never revise. In health and social care Mrs. Medley told me I already have an AB without doing my exams so I’ve lost every motivation I ever had, which to be honest, wasn’t exactly there in the first place. In English I just can’t seem to write down the right things. I do brilliantly in coursework and portfolios because I can take my time and make sure I hit all the targets and I usually do really well. In health and social care I got A’s in all my portfolios and in English I think I got a B or something. I can’t work under pressure and I just can’t do exams. I have no concentration span at all and find it really hard to focus unless it’s something I’m really into. And who gets into exams? I spend most of my time looking out the window or the people around me actually getting on with their exams. Yesterday I lost all concentration because I was daydreaming about having sex with the boy next to me. I wonder what the grade will be on that paper? If I fail or don’t do very well it’s my own fault and I accept that. Shit.
Family - I know I’m fucking lucky to have the family I do. My mum is my best friend and is my backbone and my strength in one. In reality she is the only one I can truly depend on and I know she’ll be there for me no matter what. I also live with my Nan and Granddad and while I love them unconditionally, I get frustrated and irritated a lot of the time because I have a short fuse and sometimes they just push my buttons. I’m like the focus of all their attentions, at least my Nan’s anyway and it’s constricting and suffocating. She cares too much. As soon as I come home it’s ‘do you want a drink?’ ‘Do you want something to eat?’ when all I want to do is relax. When I just want to be by myself in my room she’ll come in with clothes or fruit or something. I mean, can’t she do it when I’m out? Part of me is living in fear, sort of, because she’s getting old now, she’s 84 and has gone through a tough time lately, her sister died and her brother-in-law is in hospital and I can tell it’s taken its toll on her. I care about her a lot, even though I’m terrible at showing it, because I always run away from my fears, I always have done. I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want her to die but I know she will. It will honestly be like losing a part of me, she’s been a constant part of me forever and when she’s not here it’s going to be…unbelievable. My Granddad thinks he’s dying when he’s not, and has been depressed lately and it brings the whole family down. I swear I got my sense of humour from him, he’s friendly and warm and hysterical and it frightens me when I think about losing him too. My dad well, it’s difficult to talk about him because he’s in my life and I love him, we get on well, but it’s not a ‘real’ father/daughter bond. My parents are divorced but get on really well, which is kind of odd, and he’s like my protector and financer. I’m an only child and my family is the most important thing in my life and the prospect of my grandparents dying is awful enough, but when my parents die? I hope I’m married then, with someone to support me because if I’m on my own and have to deal with it alone it’ll kill me because I’m not strong enough to deal with that. I worry about death a lot, not my own, but losing people I love. I don’t know why. I just don’t want to be alone I guess.
Self - harm - The crap I was going through with cutting myself seems to be going away. I mean, I still think about doing it sometimes, but I don’t. I can’t explain my reasoning behind it, part of me thinks it’s a way of getting back at the people who hurt me, part of it is to get attention, but part of it has no explanation at all. It was just something that happened, that I wish hadn’t. I woke up the other morning and looked at my arm and thought my scars had gone. I was so relieved, but then I focused and they were still there, and I was so disappointed. I call them my tiger stripes, because that’s what they look like. I’ll probably never lose my stripes, but I guess they’ll remind me I reached my lowest point but got through it. I’m seeing a counsellor soon as well. I don’t know what that’s going to be like. I’ll probably have to confront things that I thought I would never have to. Urgh.
Writing - Twincest has really lost its appeal to me, I’m just not getting the vibes and I have no idea when I’m going to finish my stories, if I ever do. It sucks, and will probably piss a few people off but yeah, I just don’t have the drive to do it. Everything has been done, done again and then done again. There’s nothing original going on and it annoys me because I keep writing shit clichés and it fucks me off that I can’t gain some imagination.
Boyfriends and such - This is such a grey area for me, it’s not black and white. I don’t think I’m in the right place for a relationship at the moment. I’m moving away soon, my self-esteem is…not very good and it’s impossible for me to believe someone would actually want to be with me that I know I’d fuck it up by being too needy or clingy or distant or jealous. I know I’d get too attached if I met someone right now, and that it would make me not want to go to Uni. But there’ always that part of me that wants to fall in love, because that’s just who I am. I want to settle down and have a family and never get divorced. But who the fucks knows what’s going to happen? The boys I tend to attract are total weirdos or fucktards or bastards who only want one thing, so yeah, not going to go there.
10 wishes
1. To fall in love and never fall out of it.
2. To be a full time author.
3. To be independent.
4. To travel around the world.
5. To not fall out with my friends.
6. To be more compassionate to my grandparents.
7. To have children.
8. To see Longview in concert before I die.
9. To have sex with Matt.
10. To learn to like myself.
Woo, this was long. Sorry about that.
Friends - Things are going pretty well at the moment, touch wood, we all seem to be getting along, especially as it’s my 18th birthday in about 2 weeks, and also the leavers ball so everyone’s getting excited and being really chatty and hyper about it. I’m really looking forward to it actually, which surprises me, given that I’m a…well, practically a recluse. But yeah, I’m getting real excited about it ‘cause Ella keeps planning it and making me all happy and stuff. Kate and I are as close as ever, I think, well I hope anyway. She has a lot on her plate at the moment, because she’s going through a lot of shit with her mum at the moment, and I know I worry her when I talk about self-harming, and I feel guilty talking about it to her sometimes because I think that she doesn’t need it, with all she’s already worrying about. * Sigh *. Ella and I have moments where we really, really get on and times when we clash over stupid things. For instance, I’m driven towards creating a better life for myself. I don’t want to be stuck in one place for the rest of my life working in a shop or cleaning or something like my mum. I want to go to Uni, get some qualifications, experience different things, learn about myself, and become independent and able to survive on my own and eventually get a fucking fantastic job doing something I love. I’m optimistic about it because I don’t want to dwell on the negative. Whereas Ella just meanders along, waiting for something to fall into her lap, and it really annoys me, well maybe not annoy, more like frustrates me because I think, how can you just waste your life like that? Her life is about going out and getting drunk, and yeah she’s 18, and soon I’m going to be too, but still, that’s not what I think life’s about. I want to travel and see new things. I want to go to the States and Japan and the Caribbean just to see what it’s like. I want to go to Europe and check out the different cultures and appreciate my life a little more. I like art and literature and music and I don’t want to limit myself to England for the rest of my life. Even if I have to do it on my own, I’ll still do it somehow. My friend Anna is in Australia for a year fruit picking, but she’s still there. She’s still doing something new. I’m really jealous about that. So yeah, I have a lot of ambitions and dreams and sometimes I suffocate myself with them. I don’t see my other friends as much as I’d like, since leaving school everything’s changed so much more than I thought it would. Ali’s always working at her playgroup 8am - 6pm and she’s loving it, but when she’s not at work she’s out clubbing every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday and she’s fucking exhausted. Hayley’s working her arse off to save money for Uni or seeing her boyfriend James, Kim’s working or seeing her boyfriend Joe, I don’t know what the hell Heather’s up to and Kerry’s just wandering along with her boyfriend Luke and arguing with her mum. I never see her because she has no money because she’s doesn’t work. Mike works during the week too, and I never see him either. Hmm. It really changes everything, growing up. It’s scary! But I think I’m ready for it, because I’m not going to let myself stagnate.
Work - I’ve finally snagged a job, thank fucking Christ! It’s the one I went for, Pineapple the clothes shop. I start on Wednesday 30th of June. I can’t fucking wait, I’ve been so bored just sitting around doing nothing. I need some more money because I can’t afford to pay for the net, my contact lenses and my phone with the guilt money my dad gives me every month. It’s 8 hours a week, which isn’t bad at all, and I don’t have to work weekends unless someone’s sick or something. It’s around £4.50 an hour, which is coolio, and it’s 2 hours on a Wednesday, 4 hours on a Thursday and another 2 hours on a Friday. And I get 60% discount. Go me!
Exams - To put it bluntly, they are going shit. It’s my own fault, I never revise. In health and social care Mrs. Medley told me I already have an AB without doing my exams so I’ve lost every motivation I ever had, which to be honest, wasn’t exactly there in the first place. In English I just can’t seem to write down the right things. I do brilliantly in coursework and portfolios because I can take my time and make sure I hit all the targets and I usually do really well. In health and social care I got A’s in all my portfolios and in English I think I got a B or something. I can’t work under pressure and I just can’t do exams. I have no concentration span at all and find it really hard to focus unless it’s something I’m really into. And who gets into exams? I spend most of my time looking out the window or the people around me actually getting on with their exams. Yesterday I lost all concentration because I was daydreaming about having sex with the boy next to me. I wonder what the grade will be on that paper? If I fail or don’t do very well it’s my own fault and I accept that. Shit.
Family - I know I’m fucking lucky to have the family I do. My mum is my best friend and is my backbone and my strength in one. In reality she is the only one I can truly depend on and I know she’ll be there for me no matter what. I also live with my Nan and Granddad and while I love them unconditionally, I get frustrated and irritated a lot of the time because I have a short fuse and sometimes they just push my buttons. I’m like the focus of all their attentions, at least my Nan’s anyway and it’s constricting and suffocating. She cares too much. As soon as I come home it’s ‘do you want a drink?’ ‘Do you want something to eat?’ when all I want to do is relax. When I just want to be by myself in my room she’ll come in with clothes or fruit or something. I mean, can’t she do it when I’m out? Part of me is living in fear, sort of, because she’s getting old now, she’s 84 and has gone through a tough time lately, her sister died and her brother-in-law is in hospital and I can tell it’s taken its toll on her. I care about her a lot, even though I’m terrible at showing it, because I always run away from my fears, I always have done. I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want her to die but I know she will. It will honestly be like losing a part of me, she’s been a constant part of me forever and when she’s not here it’s going to be…unbelievable. My Granddad thinks he’s dying when he’s not, and has been depressed lately and it brings the whole family down. I swear I got my sense of humour from him, he’s friendly and warm and hysterical and it frightens me when I think about losing him too. My dad well, it’s difficult to talk about him because he’s in my life and I love him, we get on well, but it’s not a ‘real’ father/daughter bond. My parents are divorced but get on really well, which is kind of odd, and he’s like my protector and financer. I’m an only child and my family is the most important thing in my life and the prospect of my grandparents dying is awful enough, but when my parents die? I hope I’m married then, with someone to support me because if I’m on my own and have to deal with it alone it’ll kill me because I’m not strong enough to deal with that. I worry about death a lot, not my own, but losing people I love. I don’t know why. I just don’t want to be alone I guess.
Self - harm - The crap I was going through with cutting myself seems to be going away. I mean, I still think about doing it sometimes, but I don’t. I can’t explain my reasoning behind it, part of me thinks it’s a way of getting back at the people who hurt me, part of it is to get attention, but part of it has no explanation at all. It was just something that happened, that I wish hadn’t. I woke up the other morning and looked at my arm and thought my scars had gone. I was so relieved, but then I focused and they were still there, and I was so disappointed. I call them my tiger stripes, because that’s what they look like. I’ll probably never lose my stripes, but I guess they’ll remind me I reached my lowest point but got through it. I’m seeing a counsellor soon as well. I don’t know what that’s going to be like. I’ll probably have to confront things that I thought I would never have to. Urgh.
Writing - Twincest has really lost its appeal to me, I’m just not getting the vibes and I have no idea when I’m going to finish my stories, if I ever do. It sucks, and will probably piss a few people off but yeah, I just don’t have the drive to do it. Everything has been done, done again and then done again. There’s nothing original going on and it annoys me because I keep writing shit clichés and it fucks me off that I can’t gain some imagination.
Boyfriends and such - This is such a grey area for me, it’s not black and white. I don’t think I’m in the right place for a relationship at the moment. I’m moving away soon, my self-esteem is…not very good and it’s impossible for me to believe someone would actually want to be with me that I know I’d fuck it up by being too needy or clingy or distant or jealous. I know I’d get too attached if I met someone right now, and that it would make me not want to go to Uni. But there’ always that part of me that wants to fall in love, because that’s just who I am. I want to settle down and have a family and never get divorced. But who the fucks knows what’s going to happen? The boys I tend to attract are total weirdos or fucktards or bastards who only want one thing, so yeah, not going to go there.
10 wishes
1. To fall in love and never fall out of it.
2. To be a full time author.
3. To be independent.
4. To travel around the world.
5. To not fall out with my friends.
6. To be more compassionate to my grandparents.
7. To have children.
8. To see Longview in concert before I die.
9. To have sex with Matt.
10. To learn to like myself.
Woo, this was long. Sorry about that.