some direct emotional maturation attempts.
i am very very broke.
yes ladies and gentlemen. i am. and i know chary would use to tell me that the last thing i should probably worry about is money because it's a problem everybody has and there are a lot more important things to be concerned about in the world than your financial issues. but if you have a pending payment of P_,000 for some shit you didn't really want to get your self into, then that is a very big problem. especially if you have tried searching the surface of the earth, and even beyond to the core, for all monetary sources you can find but all you can raise is an effin amount of P2,400 from old debts of relatives and friends. this is also the part when it gets really crappy that you just want someone to beat the hell out of you so you could escape this hell of a situation. and asking your folks for help on this would of course be the last resort, for the mere fact that you are 21, working (or used to be working), and you should be old enough to resolve your problems on your own.
if only i was 30 million richer. dannngit! now i am really thinking of selling my other kidney. anyone interested?
***
when i got back home from my vacation i noticed these skin allergies that suddenly appeared on my feet and hands. small blisters filled with water that gets very itchy and irritating every now and then. i consulted my mom and she said i probably had too much of salt water from the beach or dirt or whatever. i never had any food allergic reactions aside from those that i get from eating crabs, so since i haven't had a serving of these things recently, then food reaction was out of the picture. i waited for it to somehow improve for the next two days, but since i realized it wasn't and was even getting worse i finally decided to visit a dermatologist. upon consultation i told her what my main concern was and how the allergies appeared, its consistency etc. after a few minutes of explanation she revealed her diagnosis that gave me quite a shock because i never expected it to be that and the things that concerns this particular disease.
why?
well first because she said that it was hydrotic eczema (what in the world? i know right!), and second that its main etiology was plainly stress.
yes people of the world, not dirt, not any weird food causations or any overdose of salt water experience whatsoever, but simply stress. well true enough, from the time of my sister's wedding, to the arrival of my relatives from the states, to my work and resignation issues, to our very hectic schedule when we had the vacation, to the nonstop errands and get-togethers and night-outs for the purpose of entertaining the relatives who came to visit, to my being unemployed now hence the lack of funds, and my long list of things to do/pay/accomplish...I HAVE BEEN VERY STRESSED OUT. i haven't even gotten a decent sleep in weeks!
my doctor emphasized that i should not scratch the blisters or else it will get worse. she prescribed me a set of solutions and ointments and antihistamines (which btw consumed the last left of my very minimal savings) and that i shouldn't indulge myself into more stress or else the medicines won't help at all.
but in a situation like what i have now, tell me doctor, how in the world will i get rid of these blisters? especially that as you think of all the concerns you have to deal with (simply because it just cannot be helped to think about them), it gets very very itchy as well. answer me doctor. you're suppose to be more knowing than anyone.
or perhaps i should just wait until i finally evolve onto a one big blister that emanated from what used to be a human body?
me = blister = pathetic.
i should really get rid of that kidney now.
***
and just when you think that you have enough problems already, and another stressor is the last thing you need, here comes another that evolves from having missed opportunities.
opportunities that may seem uncertain or just a simple coincidence but still may have turned out into something good and that would perhaps give you a happy feeling despite all of these shits. but no, because of probably some semi-aware sanity i had when it all transpired, i had let this could-be pass just like that. and it sucks big time.
maybe it wasn't just meant?
probably.
maybe the reason it did not exist is because it may have made things more complicated?
probably.
but still, what if?
i guess i just have to live with the fact that some things will never happen again, for its perfection was molded only at the time it was laid unto you, and you just simply ignored it. a missed opportunity will always be a missed opportunity. no more no less. so move forward.
i have to move forward.
***
now this is the part where i am gonna cry.