This Valentine Despondency
This valentine despondency people.... or in other words this loving pain. Hmmm does any of it anymore? Because i cant take it anymore...
Here i am yesturday feeling so much better, then i hear about shit with Tonya goin out with someone then cheatin on him with someone else (fuckin 'em). She bitches at me for talking to my GOOD friends, but yet she goes off n FUCKS 'em. I hope the guy that goes up inside of her thinks of me when i fucked her like 500 times, n my cum is on their dick. I was THAT good for (she wouldnt let my hand go down her pants when i first met her) her to turn into what she is now? She acts like she thrives on it. I mean has she cheated on me while i dated her???? Nah cant be that bc i am well equiped for her to be totally satisfied ;). Or maybe she broke up with me bc i'm just too damn ugly??? Hmmm, idk anymore bout that, i know i shouldnt have to worry bout it... its not the fact that i worry but, its the fact its only been not even a week n she goes out n dates someone then fucks 'em? I havnt even thought bout it TIL NOW. I loved her sooo damn fuckin much :(.... but u know what? This is where my mother fuckin rage kicks the fuck in! I gotta fuckin try to get over this stupid as fuckin shit, its not healthy for me its not doin me ANY good sittin here fuckin thinkin bout her constantly, sayin god i fuckin miss her, but y doesnt she miss me? i wasted more then a year on her dead ass! What did i get in return? NOTHING!!!!! This just fuckin pisses me fucking off, nobody has ANY idea. Is there ANYONE out there that actually KNOW what they want? A commintment? Or easier terms, A LIFE. As i lay down EVERY night i remember every word that she said, n its best for me to look away i know, i know.
If i could go back into time, i'd fuckin change everythin, i'd fix "THE MISTAKE" of datin her. Maybe i should have moved to Florida that one time n NOT OF stayed here for her. N I AM GOD DAMN SICK OF TONYA SPREADING AROUND I WAS CONTROLLING N SHIT, BECAUSE OF THE MAKE-UP SHIT???? WTF is that!? I did NOT fuckin controll her over that. I'm sick of explainin. I'm sick of her. Most of all i'm sick of myself. I'm sick of wakin up every morning, or late int heday in my case (from not sleepin bc of her), n wonderin what is she gonna bitch at me bout this time? She blames EVERY fuckin thing on ME! Looks SURE r deceiving! Tonya is UGLY to me now... ugly from the inside... her soul is rottin by everything she does now. She was MY WORST mistake, another crack in the sidewalk, another hole in the wall, another SHARP PAIN in my head! Shes slowly turnin me into someone i am NOT. She has tooken my life n flipped it upside down, i look at everything in a different perspective. If i had a retrospective of everythin in my life, it'd show a big slideshow of basicly nuttin, just one BIG waste of time, breath n everythin else i cant think of right now.
Then she IMs me sayin u just lost ur chance..... wtf chance? She told me it was the end n no more chances (dont get that tho), then IMs me again sayin i've lost that chance? Its like wtf i didnt know i had another one, n i didnt know i had to be given the chance? I know there is a better life beyond what i have been shown, where? I dont know til someone shows me a better life, somethin real that wont fade away :-/. I'm desperate for a better way of life. I'll chew this life up n spit it back out to the side if i can have a better life. Just give me the chance n i'll show u. I know Tonya is prolly readin this journal laughin n havin a grand 'ol time, but guess what? U can have ur great time, least i knew it mattered to me, least i know whos more mature, least i know who loved who more n loved the smiles much more. I could look into her eyes n know my life was great, thats how much i loved her, i loved her enough to do ANYTHING she asked for. I was just the puppet ont he strings, not her, as shes makin out to everybody. Whoever believes her can, i simply dont care, but when she fucks u over too, dont plan on commin back to me sayin o i'm srry o i'm srry i didnt mean to ditch u to be friends with her, bc I"M WARNIN u now.... i've been with her just bout everyday for a year n 3 months. Also somethin was said (speakin of being with each other just bout everyday) tonight bout how she "had" to stay on the phone n be with me 24/7 LMFAO! She had to? Nope. She choosed to, she'd get mad if i said well i'm gonna go do somethin, or go to a friends house it wasnt me. She WAS the one that wanted to be on the phone 24/7, not me. Believe me or disbelieve me, its all free will n made up of free will.
Is it all one big nightmare? Will i wake up to somethin real? Will my wish upon a star fullfill my life? I dunno u tell me. i'm feeling discouraged. I'm feelin empty. I'm feelin angry, bout to be on a nervous break down.
So much sick of this shit, that me n dave had some girls over last night n did shit... o well she wants to, i can too. I'm single right? Shes pushin me away so far that my eyes cant even see her anymore. Were lightyears away. I cant even hear her.
Well that was my journal entry...
The End.
Here i am yesturday feeling so much better, then i hear about shit with Tonya goin out with someone then cheatin on him with someone else (fuckin 'em). She bitches at me for talking to my GOOD friends, but yet she goes off n FUCKS 'em. I hope the guy that goes up inside of her thinks of me when i fucked her like 500 times, n my cum is on their dick. I was THAT good for (she wouldnt let my hand go down her pants when i first met her) her to turn into what she is now? She acts like she thrives on it. I mean has she cheated on me while i dated her???? Nah cant be that bc i am well equiped for her to be totally satisfied ;). Or maybe she broke up with me bc i'm just too damn ugly??? Hmmm, idk anymore bout that, i know i shouldnt have to worry bout it... its not the fact that i worry but, its the fact its only been not even a week n she goes out n dates someone then fucks 'em? I havnt even thought bout it TIL NOW. I loved her sooo damn fuckin much :(.... but u know what? This is where my mother fuckin rage kicks the fuck in! I gotta fuckin try to get over this stupid as fuckin shit, its not healthy for me its not doin me ANY good sittin here fuckin thinkin bout her constantly, sayin god i fuckin miss her, but y doesnt she miss me? i wasted more then a year on her dead ass! What did i get in return? NOTHING!!!!! This just fuckin pisses me fucking off, nobody has ANY idea. Is there ANYONE out there that actually KNOW what they want? A commintment? Or easier terms, A LIFE. As i lay down EVERY night i remember every word that she said, n its best for me to look away i know, i know.
If i could go back into time, i'd fuckin change everythin, i'd fix "THE MISTAKE" of datin her. Maybe i should have moved to Florida that one time n NOT OF stayed here for her. N I AM GOD DAMN SICK OF TONYA SPREADING AROUND I WAS CONTROLLING N SHIT, BECAUSE OF THE MAKE-UP SHIT???? WTF is that!? I did NOT fuckin controll her over that. I'm sick of explainin. I'm sick of her. Most of all i'm sick of myself. I'm sick of wakin up every morning, or late int heday in my case (from not sleepin bc of her), n wonderin what is she gonna bitch at me bout this time? She blames EVERY fuckin thing on ME! Looks SURE r deceiving! Tonya is UGLY to me now... ugly from the inside... her soul is rottin by everything she does now. She was MY WORST mistake, another crack in the sidewalk, another hole in the wall, another SHARP PAIN in my head! Shes slowly turnin me into someone i am NOT. She has tooken my life n flipped it upside down, i look at everything in a different perspective. If i had a retrospective of everythin in my life, it'd show a big slideshow of basicly nuttin, just one BIG waste of time, breath n everythin else i cant think of right now.
Then she IMs me sayin u just lost ur chance..... wtf chance? She told me it was the end n no more chances (dont get that tho), then IMs me again sayin i've lost that chance? Its like wtf i didnt know i had another one, n i didnt know i had to be given the chance? I know there is a better life beyond what i have been shown, where? I dont know til someone shows me a better life, somethin real that wont fade away :-/. I'm desperate for a better way of life. I'll chew this life up n spit it back out to the side if i can have a better life. Just give me the chance n i'll show u. I know Tonya is prolly readin this journal laughin n havin a grand 'ol time, but guess what? U can have ur great time, least i knew it mattered to me, least i know whos more mature, least i know who loved who more n loved the smiles much more. I could look into her eyes n know my life was great, thats how much i loved her, i loved her enough to do ANYTHING she asked for. I was just the puppet ont he strings, not her, as shes makin out to everybody. Whoever believes her can, i simply dont care, but when she fucks u over too, dont plan on commin back to me sayin o i'm srry o i'm srry i didnt mean to ditch u to be friends with her, bc I"M WARNIN u now.... i've been with her just bout everyday for a year n 3 months. Also somethin was said (speakin of being with each other just bout everyday) tonight bout how she "had" to stay on the phone n be with me 24/7 LMFAO! She had to? Nope. She choosed to, she'd get mad if i said well i'm gonna go do somethin, or go to a friends house it wasnt me. She WAS the one that wanted to be on the phone 24/7, not me. Believe me or disbelieve me, its all free will n made up of free will.
Is it all one big nightmare? Will i wake up to somethin real? Will my wish upon a star fullfill my life? I dunno u tell me. i'm feeling discouraged. I'm feelin empty. I'm feelin angry, bout to be on a nervous break down.
So much sick of this shit, that me n dave had some girls over last night n did shit... o well she wants to, i can too. I'm single right? Shes pushin me away so far that my eyes cant even see her anymore. Were lightyears away. I cant even hear her.
Well that was my journal entry...
The End.