Enraged Emotions Built Inside A Cage Of fears
Ok well this is goin to be a LOOOONG update for a couple of reasons, got some stuff to show everyone... *lights up a cigg* *puffs* *Exhales* Alright here goes...
Well if anythin else BAD HAPPENS i swear i'll dissapear for a while, so everyone doesnt have to see me twitch in a reckless motion to only point at, n laugh. Everythin for me has gone downhill, ever since i fuckin turned 20 years old!!! I wish i never fuckin turned 20 i swear on every fuckin thing!
Ok last night wasnt a very fuckin good night, some of u may have heard what happened while others r still in the dark, well i'm bout to light those candels for u... alright, where to start, where to start... Me n Paul were headin to Sean's house to go hang out, well we got onto Klocks Corner's Road, n i had this "wicked awesome" idea, "Paul lets check out that double wide for $500 bux, u want a laugh?" (it was a piece of shit) "Alright Brad haha!" We go around the trailer park of Hillcrest located on Klocks Corner's Road, n there is this HUGE ass hill right? Its ALL ice, even tho i drove up it that day, Paul was goin up it, n his tires were worst then mine (i thought mine were bad), we got half way up it n it wouldnt go any further so, Paul was reversing n bc of the break light it isnt covered so it lights up the entire car in the inside, so it makes the back windsheild COMPLETLY dark, we reversed RIGHT into that double wide's side yard which came to be PRETTY deep, the car was tipped sideways, with the back right tire off the ground enough for me to stick my foot under, n the front right one was ont he road kinda n the 2 left tires (front n back) were basicly burried! We got out, n tried to push it out, didnt work... then i said i'd go to the double wide to ask for a shovel to dig the tires out to try to push it out that way n shit, i go there n ask for a shovel n they let us use it, some kid bout our age came out too, to help us, we tried our all but to no avail. By this time tention was brewin up. Me n Paul ended up walkin for 40 mins to Sean's house to get him to help us, so we jogged some of the way, but my lungs were hurtin from the cold air n everythin. We FINALLY got to Sean's house after being on County Route 4 with the wind facin directly at us, freezin my ears n shit, so they were rlly clogged up. After gettin to Sean's we had no time to warm up bc we needed to get the car out of there, we got back to Paul's car n tried to push it out n shit, didnt work, so these 2 other guys at the top of the hill (where they lived) came out n tried helpin us (keyword, "TRIED"), tied a rope to Sean's n Crystal's car n drag it out with me steerin n reversin it, n the others pushin, didnt work. Then dumbass me, havin shit on my mind from everythin n forgot bout Paul's car havin an "auto-lock" (i forgot tho), gets out to see what else we were gonna try n i didnt rlly close the door that much, n i helped push it, we got it somewhat out, by that, with all of us pushin n Sean n Crystal's car pullin, but the snow must have closed the door some or somethin bc ik i didnt rlly close the door all the way. But i also forgot bout the auto-lock thing, so yea then we noticed the car was on the doors were locked, so then we had to drive ALL the way to Paul's house to get his cell phone n extra set of keys, came back tried to pull it out again, didnt work. So finally crystal called her dad n he came down with his Ford F150, n pulled it out rlly quick. After that me n Paul drove up the hill, this time takin it easy n shit, then we so happen to look behind us to see where Sean n Crystal were, n they were ALMOST in the ditch again they were goin in, me n Paul quickly darted out of the car, ran down the icy hill, n pushed Sean n Crystal out, n we got back int he car n made sure they made it up the hill alright! So then we went to Sean's house to hang out for a little while, finally gettin warm after bein out in the cold FOREVER! Then came home n went up to dave's to find out what rlly happened n everythin n came home n wrote it in my live journal as u can see underneith this entry. NOT A FUN NIGHT!!! The next day i felt kinda sick :-/.
O well maybe that is a way of payin me back from bad shit i might have done as SOME ppl may claim i did!?
Then today Tonya fuckin called me n shit with her fuckin bull fuckin shit, so we were arguin n shit, did u guys know she already has a bf? Yup she dated him on the 8th, n Becky told me thats the same day i started talkin to her again, then it clicked to me... i started talkin to Becky, the SAME day Tonya broked up with me, which means the day Tonya broked up with me, she went out with this kid. Tell me how much bullshit that fuckin is! talk bout a knife to ur back! N she also said how her "boyfriend" n brother wants to "beat my ass." Well tell me exactly for what? Her breakin up with me? Or her tellin lies? Doesnt matter if they wanna fight me, then whatever i havnt seen them yet n besides, i could rlly careless, if it makes them happy to fight me then so be it, i'll fight them BOTH if thats what they had in mind? I feel honored if they need each other to take me down... but i wont go down easly. They better KILL ME, bc i will NOT give up. I dont give up. I could rlly careless anymore i swear it. Everytime i come back home i look around this room n just see memories plastered everywhere, its not the fact i want her back (bc i dont not after everything), but the fact shes happy, n shes left me feelin like this. Total shit!!! I cant find happiness anywhere, its like i'm startin to find happiness in my sorrows n cries...
Everyone asks y i post LONG entries... well its bc of this shit, i have ALOT on my mind n this proves it, look what i fuckin have to go through EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. I'm sick of ppl talkin shit, i'm sick of everything, y cant i just be fuckin happy for once? I'm drownin in this water, will someone offer me their hand? For gods sake i'm on my fuckin knees pleadin to leave me alone from this drama n to be happy, n certain ppl had/have to fuckin cause more in my fragile mind! But a couple of them i remedied, which is good, but Tonya still causes more n more n more n fuckin more! idk if i'm gonna even sleep tonight, maybe tomorrow night idk yet, maybe whenever my fuckin body breaks down n passes out...
I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That i care too much
N my scars remind me
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel...
Pappa Roach- Scars^^^ Listen to that, it describes some things pretty good...
Also this is the SHIT i have to fuckin see... look at this fuckin shit that pisses me off plz...!
This is in Tonya's subprofile...
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swtsunshinbaby4u (IM | Add) [3/15/05 7:09 PM]
Hey hun ... you are mad awesome ik me and you have been through alot
and yes shit with brad and you got in the way with our friend ship but
i guess true friends stick around for the end right?... well i will
always be here for you gurly you know that through thick and thin i
got ya back just member that .. we have deff. had our bad times but
most deff. have we had our good times as well ... like cream and nuts..
. and the closet time .. DK what i would do with out you and with the
times we had with our boiz....Joe, Joe, Jeff, Brandon, Chris, and Dave
:-D... good times hun .. we really need to have more just like them
.. so as we get older and move our ways just member iw ill ALWAYS be
here for you no what happins .. you have my word.. well much love
~!~*Nikki*~!~
OK WHAT PISSES ME OFF RIGHT FUCKIN THERE IS THE FACT NIKKI NEADLE STATED THAT I WAS BASICLY THE CAUSE OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP, NO FUCKIN WAY!
This is how it went fuckin down, Nikki wrote me a poem n shit, n said how she liekd me n shit n i was datin Tonya, i saved the convo n showed Tonya she got wicked fuckin pissed, then when Tonya was here i showed her how she was n shit... so Tonya didnt wanan talk to her ANYMORE, i didnt tell her, i said well thats UR CHOICE, n she choosed that, SO FUCK YOU NIKKI!!!
I'll swear on anythin u want me to, i'll stake my life, i'll swear on my dad's bad heart, i'll swear on mine n sean's friendship (we known each other since elementary, n were best friends n r like fuckin family), i'll swear on anythin fuckin god! i'm so sick of this fuckin shit blamin shit on fuckin ME!!!!!!
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Josh-Hey hun..Me and you have been through some rough times but im so
glad that me and you are back together now..Your such a sweet heart..
And i hope it actually works out this time..I dont ever wanna lose ya
hun!! I always have fun when you are around..And my grls love to see
me smile :-) hehe..And they know that im happy with you because they
see me smilein every time that me and you are together...:-D..You are
the absolute BEST!!!!! :-*:-*
}{ Tonya ~N~ Josh }{
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
She fuckin doesnt even act liek she fuckin loved me or fuckin nuttin, n she fuckin has the fuckin nerve to fuckin say she fuckin loved me fuckin more? i dont fuckin think so! FUCKIN PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF! N thats a section in her subprofile that states "My Boy."
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Age:16
Sex:Female
Location:Central New York
Interests:Hangin out with my boy..Hangin with my friends..n NOT
having to be told what the fuck to do :-):-D
Thats in her fuckin personal profile thing section.... not bein told what to fuckin do? my fuckin ass i told her to fuckin hang with fuckin friends, n she should talk i hardly ever fuckin talked to sean n paul ask them!!!! SO YEA FUCK U TONYA!!!! I NEVER FUCKIN TOLD EHR WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! N ITS UPSTATE NEW YORK BITCH NOT CENTRAL!
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Nikki-Hey gurly lol..Me and you have been close for a really long time
and then brad split us up for a while because i was dumb and stupid..I
lost alot of friends over him thou so you wernt the only one..But you
are soo fuckin cool grl..Idk what i'd do w/ out ya..you were always by
my side through fuckin every thing grl you are awsome..lylas..
Thats in her "Girls" section. AGAIN WITH THE FUCVKIN BRAD SPLIT US UP BULL FUCKIN SHIT!!!!
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I dont fuckin care anymore, this is only fuckin killin me, i mean i dont want her back or nuttin like that fuck that i havnt when she broked up with me n shit bc ik shes not worth my fuckin time but it pisses me off, her blamin everythin on fuckin me, i could have fuckin dumped her chunky ass when she said "i love you too nate" n smiled at me when she fuckin said it, but nooooooooooooooooo bc i loved her, LOVED. U cant love someone that fuckin SLANDERS ur name everywhere!!!!
My HEART will belong to another anytime that person wants to fuckin pick it up n claim it! i hope ppl dont take this wrong as in i wanna be with her, but it pisses me off i take the blame for every fuckin thing no mater what i cant fuckin walk without bein lectured bout it! I'm suppose to be this "GREAT" guy, but if i was this "GREAT" guy i wouldnt be down liek this, down n out. At least i can say i fuckin tried, so yea srry i gotta move on with my own fuckin life! God it pisses me off, when i did nuttin wrong rlly, n she acts liek she did EVERYTHIN right! Tell me somethin ppl after she broke up with me, she wnated to be friends, but accordin to her i was an asshole to her, would *U* WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH AN ASSHOLE!? Hmmm somethin doesnt add up there now does it ;)? Someone is lyin, uh oh... god i love fuckin makin points, but this is makin me insane havin me think i was rlly an asshole.... even tho deep down inside ik i wasnt...
But yea i hope i can be happy again with "someone!"
Sean & Paul- Guys i known u forever u guys even warned me, but i guess love is blind right? Well we r like brothers, n everyone knows that, that has hung around us 3, we have a way of tellin certain things without sayin ANYTHIN at all! So heres to hope we keep this chain hinged on us!
Becky- Thanx for bein here for me, ur an awesome girl, dont have anyone tell u ANY different, dont listen to Tonya when she calls u the wrong things, bc ur everythin n shes nuttin! ur one hell of a person!
Jessica- I know we had alot of bad times, but i appreciate u understandin what i said to u n everythin, it means alot! ur great too!!! :)
N i feel liek i'm dyin inside.... someone revive me..
can it get ANY worse?????????
Well if anythin else BAD HAPPENS i swear i'll dissapear for a while, so everyone doesnt have to see me twitch in a reckless motion to only point at, n laugh. Everythin for me has gone downhill, ever since i fuckin turned 20 years old!!! I wish i never fuckin turned 20 i swear on every fuckin thing!
Ok last night wasnt a very fuckin good night, some of u may have heard what happened while others r still in the dark, well i'm bout to light those candels for u... alright, where to start, where to start... Me n Paul were headin to Sean's house to go hang out, well we got onto Klocks Corner's Road, n i had this "wicked awesome" idea, "Paul lets check out that double wide for $500 bux, u want a laugh?" (it was a piece of shit) "Alright Brad haha!" We go around the trailer park of Hillcrest located on Klocks Corner's Road, n there is this HUGE ass hill right? Its ALL ice, even tho i drove up it that day, Paul was goin up it, n his tires were worst then mine (i thought mine were bad), we got half way up it n it wouldnt go any further so, Paul was reversing n bc of the break light it isnt covered so it lights up the entire car in the inside, so it makes the back windsheild COMPLETLY dark, we reversed RIGHT into that double wide's side yard which came to be PRETTY deep, the car was tipped sideways, with the back right tire off the ground enough for me to stick my foot under, n the front right one was ont he road kinda n the 2 left tires (front n back) were basicly burried! We got out, n tried to push it out, didnt work... then i said i'd go to the double wide to ask for a shovel to dig the tires out to try to push it out that way n shit, i go there n ask for a shovel n they let us use it, some kid bout our age came out too, to help us, we tried our all but to no avail. By this time tention was brewin up. Me n Paul ended up walkin for 40 mins to Sean's house to get him to help us, so we jogged some of the way, but my lungs were hurtin from the cold air n everythin. We FINALLY got to Sean's house after being on County Route 4 with the wind facin directly at us, freezin my ears n shit, so they were rlly clogged up. After gettin to Sean's we had no time to warm up bc we needed to get the car out of there, we got back to Paul's car n tried to push it out n shit, didnt work, so these 2 other guys at the top of the hill (where they lived) came out n tried helpin us (keyword, "TRIED"), tied a rope to Sean's n Crystal's car n drag it out with me steerin n reversin it, n the others pushin, didnt work. Then dumbass me, havin shit on my mind from everythin n forgot bout Paul's car havin an "auto-lock" (i forgot tho), gets out to see what else we were gonna try n i didnt rlly close the door that much, n i helped push it, we got it somewhat out, by that, with all of us pushin n Sean n Crystal's car pullin, but the snow must have closed the door some or somethin bc ik i didnt rlly close the door all the way. But i also forgot bout the auto-lock thing, so yea then we noticed the car was on the doors were locked, so then we had to drive ALL the way to Paul's house to get his cell phone n extra set of keys, came back tried to pull it out again, didnt work. So finally crystal called her dad n he came down with his Ford F150, n pulled it out rlly quick. After that me n Paul drove up the hill, this time takin it easy n shit, then we so happen to look behind us to see where Sean n Crystal were, n they were ALMOST in the ditch again they were goin in, me n Paul quickly darted out of the car, ran down the icy hill, n pushed Sean n Crystal out, n we got back int he car n made sure they made it up the hill alright! So then we went to Sean's house to hang out for a little while, finally gettin warm after bein out in the cold FOREVER! Then came home n went up to dave's to find out what rlly happened n everythin n came home n wrote it in my live journal as u can see underneith this entry. NOT A FUN NIGHT!!! The next day i felt kinda sick :-/.
O well maybe that is a way of payin me back from bad shit i might have done as SOME ppl may claim i did!?
Then today Tonya fuckin called me n shit with her fuckin bull fuckin shit, so we were arguin n shit, did u guys know she already has a bf? Yup she dated him on the 8th, n Becky told me thats the same day i started talkin to her again, then it clicked to me... i started talkin to Becky, the SAME day Tonya broked up with me, which means the day Tonya broked up with me, she went out with this kid. Tell me how much bullshit that fuckin is! talk bout a knife to ur back! N she also said how her "boyfriend" n brother wants to "beat my ass." Well tell me exactly for what? Her breakin up with me? Or her tellin lies? Doesnt matter if they wanna fight me, then whatever i havnt seen them yet n besides, i could rlly careless, if it makes them happy to fight me then so be it, i'll fight them BOTH if thats what they had in mind? I feel honored if they need each other to take me down... but i wont go down easly. They better KILL ME, bc i will NOT give up. I dont give up. I could rlly careless anymore i swear it. Everytime i come back home i look around this room n just see memories plastered everywhere, its not the fact i want her back (bc i dont not after everything), but the fact shes happy, n shes left me feelin like this. Total shit!!! I cant find happiness anywhere, its like i'm startin to find happiness in my sorrows n cries...
Everyone asks y i post LONG entries... well its bc of this shit, i have ALOT on my mind n this proves it, look what i fuckin have to go through EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. I'm sick of ppl talkin shit, i'm sick of everything, y cant i just be fuckin happy for once? I'm drownin in this water, will someone offer me their hand? For gods sake i'm on my fuckin knees pleadin to leave me alone from this drama n to be happy, n certain ppl had/have to fuckin cause more in my fragile mind! But a couple of them i remedied, which is good, but Tonya still causes more n more n more n fuckin more! idk if i'm gonna even sleep tonight, maybe tomorrow night idk yet, maybe whenever my fuckin body breaks down n passes out...
I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That i care too much
N my scars remind me
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel...
Pappa Roach- Scars^^^ Listen to that, it describes some things pretty good...
Also this is the SHIT i have to fuckin see... look at this fuckin shit that pisses me off plz...!
This is in Tonya's subprofile...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
swtsunshinbaby4u (IM | Add) [3/15/05 7:09 PM]
Hey hun ... you are mad awesome ik me and you have been through alot
and yes shit with brad and you got in the way with our friend ship but
i guess true friends stick around for the end right?... well i will
always be here for you gurly you know that through thick and thin i
got ya back just member that .. we have deff. had our bad times but
most deff. have we had our good times as well ... like cream and nuts..
. and the closet time .. DK what i would do with out you and with the
times we had with our boiz....Joe, Joe, Jeff, Brandon, Chris, and Dave
:-D... good times hun .. we really need to have more just like them
.. so as we get older and move our ways just member iw ill ALWAYS be
here for you no what happins .. you have my word.. well much love
~!~*Nikki*~!~
OK WHAT PISSES ME OFF RIGHT FUCKIN THERE IS THE FACT NIKKI NEADLE STATED THAT I WAS BASICLY THE CAUSE OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP, NO FUCKIN WAY!
This is how it went fuckin down, Nikki wrote me a poem n shit, n said how she liekd me n shit n i was datin Tonya, i saved the convo n showed Tonya she got wicked fuckin pissed, then when Tonya was here i showed her how she was n shit... so Tonya didnt wanan talk to her ANYMORE, i didnt tell her, i said well thats UR CHOICE, n she choosed that, SO FUCK YOU NIKKI!!!
I'll swear on anythin u want me to, i'll stake my life, i'll swear on my dad's bad heart, i'll swear on mine n sean's friendship (we known each other since elementary, n were best friends n r like fuckin family), i'll swear on anythin fuckin god! i'm so sick of this fuckin shit blamin shit on fuckin ME!!!!!!
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Josh-Hey hun..Me and you have been through some rough times but im so
glad that me and you are back together now..Your such a sweet heart..
And i hope it actually works out this time..I dont ever wanna lose ya
hun!! I always have fun when you are around..And my grls love to see
me smile :-) hehe..And they know that im happy with you because they
see me smilein every time that me and you are together...:-D..You are
the absolute BEST!!!!! :-*:-*
}{ Tonya ~N~ Josh }{
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
She fuckin doesnt even act liek she fuckin loved me or fuckin nuttin, n she fuckin has the fuckin nerve to fuckin say she fuckin loved me fuckin more? i dont fuckin think so! FUCKIN PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF! N thats a section in her subprofile that states "My Boy."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Age:16
Sex:Female
Location:Central New York
Interests:Hangin out with my boy..Hangin with my friends..n NOT
having to be told what the fuck to do :-):-D
Thats in her fuckin personal profile thing section.... not bein told what to fuckin do? my fuckin ass i told her to fuckin hang with fuckin friends, n she should talk i hardly ever fuckin talked to sean n paul ask them!!!! SO YEA FUCK U TONYA!!!! I NEVER FUCKIN TOLD EHR WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! N ITS UPSTATE NEW YORK BITCH NOT CENTRAL!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nikki-Hey gurly lol..Me and you have been close for a really long time
and then brad split us up for a while because i was dumb and stupid..I
lost alot of friends over him thou so you wernt the only one..But you
are soo fuckin cool grl..Idk what i'd do w/ out ya..you were always by
my side through fuckin every thing grl you are awsome..lylas..
Thats in her "Girls" section. AGAIN WITH THE FUCVKIN BRAD SPLIT US UP BULL FUCKIN SHIT!!!!
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I dont fuckin care anymore, this is only fuckin killin me, i mean i dont want her back or nuttin like that fuck that i havnt when she broked up with me n shit bc ik shes not worth my fuckin time but it pisses me off, her blamin everythin on fuckin me, i could have fuckin dumped her chunky ass when she said "i love you too nate" n smiled at me when she fuckin said it, but nooooooooooooooooo bc i loved her, LOVED. U cant love someone that fuckin SLANDERS ur name everywhere!!!!
My HEART will belong to another anytime that person wants to fuckin pick it up n claim it! i hope ppl dont take this wrong as in i wanna be with her, but it pisses me off i take the blame for every fuckin thing no mater what i cant fuckin walk without bein lectured bout it! I'm suppose to be this "GREAT" guy, but if i was this "GREAT" guy i wouldnt be down liek this, down n out. At least i can say i fuckin tried, so yea srry i gotta move on with my own fuckin life! God it pisses me off, when i did nuttin wrong rlly, n she acts liek she did EVERYTHIN right! Tell me somethin ppl after she broke up with me, she wnated to be friends, but accordin to her i was an asshole to her, would *U* WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH AN ASSHOLE!? Hmmm somethin doesnt add up there now does it ;)? Someone is lyin, uh oh... god i love fuckin makin points, but this is makin me insane havin me think i was rlly an asshole.... even tho deep down inside ik i wasnt...
But yea i hope i can be happy again with "someone!"
Sean & Paul- Guys i known u forever u guys even warned me, but i guess love is blind right? Well we r like brothers, n everyone knows that, that has hung around us 3, we have a way of tellin certain things without sayin ANYTHIN at all! So heres to hope we keep this chain hinged on us!
Becky- Thanx for bein here for me, ur an awesome girl, dont have anyone tell u ANY different, dont listen to Tonya when she calls u the wrong things, bc ur everythin n shes nuttin! ur one hell of a person!
Jessica- I know we had alot of bad times, but i appreciate u understandin what i said to u n everythin, it means alot! ur great too!!! :)
N i feel liek i'm dyin inside.... someone revive me..
can it get ANY worse?????????