Shadows and Dust.

[_fallen_muse_]

Your face, as no other face,
Populates remembered dreams.
Your arms, as no other place:
Landscape to remembered dreams.
Your heart, as no other heart.
Your eyes, as no other eyes,
In you each dream must start.
With you the real world dies
And my life thereafter lies
Only in remembered dreams.It’s odd y’know, how a man can be incinerated,

Comments

[the_golden_girl]

And he had to go make a crack that Cleveland was hell. Though, he seemed right. It felt like hell constantly. "It is the last hellmouth. But it being hell, I'm not so sure. Would fit if it was hell, though. I led everyone to it." That was said darker than I'd intended it to be. It was true, though. This just might as well be hell since everyone had followed my lead here, and it figures, here Spike was. Angel and crew on their way.

All because I had to come here.

But if not, then I wouldn't have found him (Spike), right?

Flinching at the thought, I ignored my conscience and went with the flow. Which was molding into Spike and letting him carry me where ever he desired. "I'm sorry." It was another pitiful apology his way. I couldn't see myself stopping them anytime soon, so either he let me be repeat-o girl, or he'd have to manage a way to stop me. Which seemed to bring thoughts of him crushing his body to mine, lips locked together. Only sounds I would be making would be whimpers of his name. Begging him for more.

More of the love. The understanding. The sincerity. The warmth I now knew he still possessed.

It was refreshing to have him care for me. I wanted to care for him back, but right now, I couldn't. My body was screaming at me to take the chance given and let it rest. "You didn't know what the amulet would do, though, we should have. Anything that hideously tacky should be a warning sign to evil-ness." Another attempt at a joke as Spike propped me up against the booth's seat and table. An elbow to the top of the table, and for a fleeting moment, I remembered my mother.

Always having told me elbows were never meant to go on the table, and so, I removed it and sadly sighed. Glancing down to Spike, who now offered me a glass of water. "If it's to splash myself with and wake from this dream, I'd rather not. It's one of the best I've ever had."

A dream it wasn't though, so I took the glass and tilted it against my lips. The cold water smoothing down my emotions that had bottled themselves in my throat until there wasn't a drop left in the glass, which now came to settle on the table, and let me switch holding the glass to holding his hat. "I never saw you wear hats." I said with an audible smile, though it wasn't showing on my face unless you looked closely."Especially a baseball one. You watch baseball? I never saw you watch anything besides Passions and porn." Crap! I had said that a little too loud and one of the waiters had tumbled over his own two feet and spilled the tray of shot glasses headed over to some bussiness men all on the floor.

[_fallen_muse_]

"Back on the self hate trip hmm? Seem to recall havin a chat with you ‘bout that."

I point out, standin and slippin into the booth across from her. Laying mah hand on the table easily within reach of her should she want to take it, and god how I want her to. I frown when she says sorry again. I have a feelin no matter how much I soddin assure her it wasn't her fault, that she'll keep sayin it. So I’ll have to find some way to stop her, maybe beat her with my hat or sommin.

Or there was the mental image in mah head of crushin mah body to hers, our lips locked in searing kisses so the only sounds she can make are whimpers of my name, or maybe beggin for more. More of my touch, or my love. Just as I'd be beggin for the same of hers, along with the trust and understandin I had earned, and that belief in me she seemed always to possess, even at my worst moments.

"I might not have known the specifics, love. But I knew I wasn comin outta that fight, it was the point everythin had been buildin up to. Me changin sides, gettin a soul. It all led to that point, an' as much as gettin me there might have been you, that last step, that was down to me, down to me to prove I was the kina man you knew I could be. So ya can’t blame yerself, you didn't make me wear the thing, you didn make me come into that fight, was my choice."

Was worth a try to get through her stubborn head, beautiful, but stubborn.

I smile at her comment about the water, how could I not. her comment about dreams hit me deep.

She dreamt about me?
She thought about me?
Did she really?..

I didn want to go there yet, didn want to risk it.

"Me too."

I admit softly, about this bein the best dream I've had.

And it is.

“Never did before, well cept that time when whassis face wanted to call in that debt. And I thought I’d managed to burn the memry o’ that suit outta mah head with plenty of scotch, but nope, still there. But yeah it’s for when bein incognito, like the threads.”

I shrug a little and freeze at how loud she just managed to say that, trust Buffy to yell it to world. I take a covert glance and see stares. Bah, nosey gits. I flash them a two finger salute and return my attention to the woman across from me.

“So, you wanna go somewhere else? Or can I buy you a drink?”

[the_golden_girl]

"Back on the self hate trip hmm? Seem to recall havin a chat with you ‘bout that."

Tracing along the rim of the front of the cap, I look across at him with a pout. One that I wasn't sure if it was meant to be sensual or not, because I felt it was. Stopping the tracing of the hat, I look back down to it, aware that Spike had slipped into the booth across from me and was waiting a response.

"It's not a trip. My conscience is there on permanent housing. Bought land and is planning to retire with a huge 401K." I looked up in just enough time to see something flash across those beautifully brilliant blue orbs. Something demanding and sultry.

Lust?

Yes.

Love?

Yes.

Setting his cap back onto the table, I slip it to him before snatching it back and setting it on my head. Just for the feeling of it. It was a little too big, so I adjusted it. Fighting with trying to figure out how to adjust the cap, until I got it. Letting it sit on my head, blonde hair falling down to my shoulders in knotty spirals of dirty locks. It felt nice on my head and for once, I didn't feel like I looked like a complete dirt bag. I needed a shower. There wasn't much of running water in the apartment complex. There were six bathrooms with it running and only three water tanks. We needed the others to be repaired and as skilled as Xander was, he wasn't skilled in the plumbing department. It was going to cost us nearly four thousand dollars to get them fixed and running, and I was working my ass off for that.

But back to the matter at hand, which was Spike, I realized he was talking to me and I must've looked like a total madwoman not responding until now. "If you knew just a little, then why hadn't you told me?" Already I knew the answer. I would have stopped him. Made him give me the amulet back so I could take his place and he could go on. Once again, he was immortal and I wasn't. He had eternity, not me.

"I gave it to you, though and you had a feeling. I didn't. I should have! Damnit!" It was said in a growl. One almost, I was sure of, feral. Clenching my hands into fist, I knew not to strike at the table. Not because I would break it, but because I wouldn't and if he saw it still standing, it would alert a red flag and I rather not try to do so.

Glancing up from my dangerous glar directed at the furniture, I canted my head to the side and gave Spike such a blank blonde expression. "You too, what? Huh? You soooo lost me, ugh! Don't do that, and well, on note of the threads...I like the hat. It fits. Now it fits me." I beamed and tapped the edge of the cap and gace a wink before he froze. "My bad?" It wasn't so much of a statement, rather than a question. I mean, since when was Spike shy of his sexuality?

Mister-in-my-backyard.

Mister-in-the-alley-of-The-Double-Meat-Palace.

Mister-on-the-balcony-inside-the-Bronze.

Mister-inside-a-church.

Okay, I am sooooo not explaining that last one, got it? Good.

"I didn't think you'd freeze up. I mean, you never did before when I'd catch you watching it int he crypt or, omigod, in my bed! I remember that, you perv! On my sheets and I had to wash them before Willow or Tara decided to clean my Slayer-dirty sheets after nights of patrol. Ugh and a drink? No. But, I'll go elsewhere with you. I could use some sleep." Was I hinting at him holding me like he had that last night? Was I hinting at more than just sleep? I have no idea what exactly I was thinking, but I knew I'd eventually like sleep and besides, "Beer bad. Buffy and beer baaaaad." Cave!Slayer memories and alcohol soooo didn't mesh.

[_fallen_muse_]

"Well we should sort out movin it outta there, or re-educatin the soddin thing so it knows what it needs to hate you for an what it doesn't. You need to stop beatin on yerself for stuff that's not yer fault. An no arguments."

Christ, I'm back in her life five mintues an already I'm bossin her about. But on sayin that it's clear she needs it, no-one seems to have taken the time to make sure shes okay, or mebbe she hasn let um? Either way it's now my job to put her back together again. I dunno, all my hard work back in Sunnydale gone cos I died, I should get overtime pay for this or sommin.

An whats with the pout? Shes just temptin me to kiss her, cos that's what I wanna bloody do. The hurt, fragility in her eyes, the sexy lil pout. I just wanna steal her away from the world, go somewhere I can keep her wrapped in my arms, safe and protected, and kiss those cupid bow lips till the cows come home… 'Till the cows come home', what a stupid phrase, prob'ly thought up by a yank.

I watch her play with, then put on my hat, smile playin across my features at how kina cute it makes her look, suits her better'n me. She looks so damn tired, makes me wonder how much she's been lettin herself sleep. I remember how she was in Sunnydale, jus not lettin herself rest. Daft bint. Makes me wanna kidnap her all the more. So I can take her back t'my place, let her sleep.

I dun need to answer her next question, I can see she knows what I'll say already. So I just smile, and let my head tilt to the side, lettin her know I know she knows. Her growl (Sexy as it is) earns me shakin my head, an sighin.

Will she ever let this go?

She bloody well better or Ima kick her arse back to California. I move my hands 'cross the table and stroke the hot skin, pulled tight over her clenched fists, with my fingertips, tryin to calm her down.

"Suits you too, keep it."

I say, after shruggin at her bafflement , but finding it so bloody indearin it makes me ache even more.

Will it ever end?

Or will I always ache?

It sucks.

At her 'My bad?' question I just chuckle and shake my head. It wasn that I was shy of my sexulity or whatever it was not needin freaky little mutant barfolk starin at me. I cant help but laugh at the reminder about her bed.

Aah fun days gone by.

"You used to watch it with me in the crypt." Used to give you idea's.

I fall silent after saying that, managin to keep from tacking the last part on out loud, an wonderin if it's a clever move to bring up that region of our past. Was a dark time for both of us, and got a hell of a lot darker before it got light. I'm still tryin to think of somethin more to say when she admits to bein tired, which wasn always a good thing. Cos Buffy's definition of tired was most peoples definition of 'oh my god, Im so exhausted I might slip into a coma', so you can understand my concern.

"I found it funny when y'were plastered actually. But yer right, lets get outta here."

I point out but then agree. Standin once more I offer her my hand, to help her up mebbe, or mebbe jus so I can get as much contact with her as possible. I'm like an addict or sommin.

[the_golden_girl]

No arguements? This was no doubt Spike. In my dreams he was more docile and not so damn hostile in making me think a certain said way. Hmph. Leave it to him to make it so I can't argue, but of course I add in, "I won't argue. Just keep it to myself."

Like I did everything.

How could I not? When bonds were broken and lines were crossed, you knew of those behind you or trying to step over you. Spike was the one at my side. Even now, time nor distance hadn't truly seperated us. Not at all. It seemed to strengthen us.

Reaching up, I touched the edge of the hat again before spinning it around and trying on something other than the most likely adorable image I gave with a baseball cap on my head. Maybe that's why I didn't wear hats? The last time I'd worn was, that I coudl remember, was Thanksgiving. Freshman year in college. It was a cowboy hat none the less. God, what had I been thinking?

"I can keep it? This isn't another going away present like last time, is it?" Would he know what he had given me before he left? A part of his power and part of his fire and soul. He had graced me with such love that I wasn't sure if it was done intentionally or not. If he didn't know, there was my answer and I'd gladly answer him with the truth.

But of course, I was answered with a laugh. Not at the question I posed, but at the statement about having caught himw atching porn a few times and him adding that I used to watch it.

Okay! That was like once...or twelve. But hey! Who's counting, hmm? Timidly I tried to look away, but I knew his blue orbs were burning into me. Causing a spark to ignite the fire he had once left within me; within my heart and most of all, right now it was between my legs.

Ugh! Most likely he, and half the bar could probably smell it! It was so time to get out of here and elsewhere.

I didn't think of darker times. When the light didn't shine on us, but I thought about the times that light seemed to beam down on us for only moments. When we both would laugh. Though, sometimes, now that I look back on it, they were empty. Our hearts never in the velvet sounds. How could there be? We were still enemies. Not really lovers unless by anger.

Watching his body move from the booth, I nearly tripped over myself, even sitting, yes, to turn and go chase after him. Still afraid that he'd end up walking away, looking back at me expectantly and extend an arm. A hand that I could never seem to grasp. But, he did just that. Only, he was still right before me with his hand held out palm up. For a moment I hesitated. Then slowly, I reached to take his and slapped my hand ontop of his, but the slap was light and my fingers entwined with his. Lacing together like souls of lost lovers.

Which is exactly who and what we were.

"Your place or mine?" I said with a smile, letting him lead me out the doors. The crowd still eyeing vampire and Slayer up and down. Some of the patrons were even from Sunnydale. At least I made that observation and I knew most of them were harmless, but with information.

Maybe another night. Tonight belonged to Spike and me.

As the cool night air came sweeping over my face, I took in a deep breath. Glad to be away from the smoke-filled enviornment. It reminded me of being jammed in a car with Faith. She always had a tendency to smoke. I didn't understand why I hadn't minded Spike smoking, though.

Guess love blinded you.

[_fallen_muse_]

Course I knew she’d tack on a soddin ‘but’ there somewhere, she always has to get the last word, and I always let her cos we’d both be going on for hours. I can be just as stubborn and brick- headed as she can, when I feel like it.

“last goin away present I gave ya was Mister Gordo, and he was already yours, you did remember to take him like I told ya too right?”

See it doesn’t make sense to me how she didn’t know I was gonna die, despite me givin her the pig and tellin her to put him somewhere safe, or in her pocket or whatever. Cos clearly I knew sommin was gonna happen to Sunnyhole, even I didn know that at the time, jus occurred to be she should keep the scruffy lil guy safe y’know? I know how much she loves the lil piggy.

God above she was doin it again, the shy stuff, she knows how hot that gets me, and then the scent hits me, she’s turned on, mmm how I could just bsk in her scent that way for hours, it makes my mouth water, and my hand squeeze hers as soon as its in place. Her hand in mine, right where it belongs.

“Mine. I’m not daft enough to believe yer in Cleveland all by yer lonesome, which means if I went with you, I’d have to try an answer fifty or more questions that I dunno the answers to. Rather keep the reunion simple, an private for now, jus me n’you.”

Is that selfish of me? To not let the others know I’m back? I know I’d have never much given a crap about it in the old days but some of the gang I did honestly like. Nibblet a’course, lil’tree, Anya. I mean granted they backstabbed Buffy, all of ‘em which I’d gladly smack ‘em all about fer but I still did like ‘em, somewhat.

The cool night air greets us outside, and almost with a chuckle I think what I would usually have done at this point. Which woulda been to spark one up, but I didn smoke anymore, didn even get pangs fer one. Its amazin really, I’d found the perfect and most successful method’a quittin ever. I coulda sold it to stop-smokin clinics.

But incineratin someone from the inside out, to cure smokin… it’d probably get frowned at.