Prodigal Son
I use to believe that all there was for me was darkness and evil. Thats what I grew up in. Lived with everyday. Well that and a not so healthy dose of revenge poured into me on a pretty much daily basis. Holtz. The man who not only stole my childhood but turned me into a killer. Or thats what I would like to believe and yet, demons are killers right? Thats what he wanted me to believe. That Angel had killed his family and God gave me to him. Man, seriously, I've definately had my fill of wack jobs that think they know whats best. When in truth, the man forgot the whole reason why he was so angry. Love. Sure, he still loved and missed his family. But, revenge ate that up. Leaving behind a bitter broken old man. I suppose in his own way, he did love me. In a sick and twisted sort of way. But, had he loved me in the way I've learned from Angel, then he would've never set Angel up. He made it look like my dad killed him so I would follow through with his plans. Twisted much? Course I fell for it, I was not so much what you would call in the right frame of mind. You try living in a hell dimension for sixteen years of your life and mind you those first sixteen are pretty important as far as development of character or so I've been told. None the less, getting back to the point, in my shoes, you'd be a little messed up too. Anyway, some people would call it feeling sorry for myself and maybe a part of me was. But see when Angel walked back into my life and was not this horrid evil thing that Holtz continued to beat into my thick skull, I was confused. Because I had built myself on that fact, always held myself in check so I would not turn out the same way. We share the same blood, what if all that evil was genetic? Yet moment one, we fight but when he had a chance to kill me, he didn't? Case in point two, he even ran out into the sun after me. Thats love or so I've been told. I'm trying to deal with that and then the whole Cordy issue. Well, thats not something I can really talk about. It hurt. I guess the point in my life when I really started giving up was when Jasmine came into the picture. Everyone was affected and so damn happy but not me. Never me. They had new smiles and laughter they didnt even know existed. But, not me. I was still that broken little boy that'd been stolen away. Angel knew this but no matter how hard he tried, he couldnt get through. Because of me. I still remember that day, the look on his face when he seen those bombs strapped to me. I would've done it. Took myself right out of this world but he wouldn't let me. There was so much hurt in his eyes, so much pain in his voice and in that instant, I almost allowed myself to believe that he really cared. But, I was scared. Scared of letting go, of reaching out. Darkness, though it was a lonely companion, it was a constant one. It was one I knew and though it was full of pain and sorrow, it as also predictable. I could deal or so I thought. But, to reach beyond that and see good in this world and good in my father, meant I had to face the possibility that mayhap there was good in me too. Why would that be so scarey? Because I was raised to believe I was this wicked little child of two vampires and that I had to redeem myself. Angel didnt see it that way though. Even at sixteen, I was innocent to be saved. Thats how he seen me, or rather an innocent that was his son. I know he loves me. I think a part of me has always known he loves me. My old world has since then crumbled. Fading away into the past where it belongs. I suppose a new life is ahead of me now. Thats what my dad and his friends keep telling me. I know they don't trust me completely and I can't blame them. But, I am beginning to understand that they do care and that in some weird kind of way, we're all family. I still get that lost and confused feeling from time to time. Sort of like I don't know which way is up and which way is down. All I do know is things had to get better? Right? That's what my dad keeps telling me. [i]Dad[/i] Still feels kind of weird calling him that and not being rude or sarcastic about it. And yet it gives me a sense of belonging. Kind of like because I'm his kid, I do belong in this world. Weird right? Maybe. But, look at it this way, it means I belong to someone, that I'm loved and in the end, isn't that what every human being desires? I don't think he was crazy about the idea of me going to Cleveland with him, since it was a new Hellmouth but weighing his options, leaving me behind was a bad idea too. I'm glad he brought me with him. Maybe....who knows, I'll make him proud of me. With that being said, we still don't see eye to eye on everything. We clash. We fight, on occassions beat each others brains in but in the end, we do love each other. I'm stubborn. I also brood. What can I say? It's a genetic thing.