> DISTANT VOICES, CLOSING IN [ JULIAN | KIRK .50 | OPEN ]

[kukalaka_n_me]

[Julian had finally replicated himself a meal and sat down at a table in the nearest mess hall to the infirmary. Truth be told, he didn't have much of an appetite, but he knew his body needed refueling and his short nap wouldn't be enough on its own

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[experiences]

[ for the first time in weeks, ezri felt at home in her own head. no longer was she hovering in the background while curzon ranted, joran plotted, and tobin mumbled; no longer was she worried about falling into jadzia while around the wrong person and letting something she shouldn't slip about jadzia's death or her marriage to worf. and oh guardians, worf. she felt awful for doing that too him and needed to find him at some point to present him with an apology and an olive branch in the form of a cup of prune juice. but, that could be done later, right now she needed to get something in her stomach that wasn't just-- ]

Julian?

[ she didn't like that look on his face. the replicator momentarily forgotten, ezri approached the doctor instead. ]

Julian, what's wrong?

[kukalaka_n_me]

Ezri?

[He looked down at the food he hadn't eaten but just pushed around his plate, and then sighed and stood up.]

I should be asking you that. What are you doing out of the infirmary?

[Yes, he was avoiding answering her, and focusing instead on her own wellbeing. He moved to her side, a gentle hand raised to touch her upper arm.]

[experiences]

I didn't escape, if that's what you're thinking. I'm Ezri -- just Ezri, thankfully. Doctor McCoy, the one from 2286, was able to realign my isoboramine levels using isoboramine from Emony. No more host confusion.

[ she smiled at that, but quickly schooled her expression to a serious one. ]

You didn't answer my question.

[kukalaka_n_me]

He did? Well, that's just wonderful.

[He wordlessly hugged her, pleased beyond measure that she was alright again. Of course it nagged at his own mind that he hadn't managed to find the solution and that a Bones...from 2286? Had he heard that correctly?]

No, I didn't. That's because...well I'm not sure I did the right thing, but I don't think I did the wrong thing either. It's complicated. I...just had a bit of a row with Captain Kirk.

[experiences]

[ she would have scolded him for that comment had he not hugged her and really, ezri was in dire need of a hug. such rebuttal was forgotten as she happily returned the hug, feeling that he needed one, too. this might not be the julian from her exact point in time who was supposed to be with her -- and she'd come to accept that, despite how upset it made her at times -- but he was still her friend, both as dax and ezri.

at his answer, she drew back to look up at him questioningly. ]

Whatever about?

[kukalaka_n_me]

Jadzia, Gaila, the fact that he's a prat...oh, that sort of thing.

[He rolled his eyes at himself, for somehow managing to turn what he'd intended to be a nice heart to heart into a slanging match.]

I wasn't very charitable.

[experiences]

[ she smiled a small, knowing smile. ]

I had a feeling Jadzia was one of the conversation topics.

[ her brows knitted together in confusion, though, at the mention of a name she wasn't familiar with. ]

I'm not sure who this Gaila is, but he's not all bad. Jim's a good guy, he's just...got a lot on his shoulders at the moment. As do you.

[kukalaka_n_me]

Oh, he made sure to tell me he's got a lot on his shoulders. Which apparently justifies why he's completely avoiding whom he was a friend and lover to before this all happened.

[He sighed, and tried to stop himself from getting riled up again.]

I started off by thanking him for being there for Jadzia, but somehow it turned into some kind of pissing match on who was more qualified to rail at what fate had dealt them. It wasn't pretty. I said some rather...well, nasty things. Nasty, but true, mind.

How would you like to be treated like you didn't exist because you'd already died, or was going to die soon? That hardly seems fair.

[experiences]

[ ezri frowned. kirk was with someone else in a serious manner before he'd been brought to shtel nor and got together with jadzia? that, she didn't know, but then again, she hadn't asked him about it. she didn't have reason to and honestly, being that he was a version of james t. kirk, she just assumed he'd flaunted himself about as those with that name tended to do. hmm. ]

He's stressed and so are you. Sounds to me like you took it out on one another.

[ she sat down, folding her arms on the table. a sad look crossed her face and she stared at his food instead of him. ]

I know what that's like. Worf acted like that for the longest time after Benjamin convinced me to stay on DS9. It was easier for him to pretend I wasn't there than to deal with the symbiont living in someone else.

[kukalaka_n_me]

I know he's stressed. Aren't we all? And you told him about Jadzia's death, that was bound to relieve his stress tenfold, wasn't it?

[That came out so harshly that he paused and blinked down at Ezri and then sat down at the table again. Or more slumped down dejectedly.]

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I'm going stir crazy myself trying to sort out what I can and can't say and to whom.

[He rubbed at his forehead and looked across at her.]

What about me, was I as bad as that? Did I shun you too?

[experiences]

[ ezri kept her eyes locked on his plate. ]

I told him because of Dukat, because I'm afraid for Jadzia, but I can't tell Jadzia that she needs to watch out for him. I used to be her, she'd know what it meant if I asked that. I asked Jim to keep an eye out, to make sure that Dukat didn't get too close to her. He didn't ask how, when, or why, just if she was alone when she died and I told him no, that Worf and Benjamin were there, as were you and everyone else and that you tried, that you tried so hard, but Dukat did too much damage...

[ she trailed off, biting her bottom lip. dukat being here, that hallucination, all those things she'd said to worf while she believed she was jadzia during her host mix up. breathe, ezri. breathe.

she looked up. ]

She knew, you know. That you did your best. She was thankful for that. You saved Dax and ensured that she lived on.

[ ezri smiled gently and shook her head. ]

No, you were welcoming. As was Quark and Nerys and Miles and everyone else. It was mostly just Worf.

[kukalaka_n_me]

[Of course now Julian felt like a right prat himself for stirring up such memories in the first place.]

I didn't even think of that. It makes sense that you would be worried for her.

If it's any consolation, I do think he's a good man. He's clearly shown that he cares for her. I just...it got out of hand. I wanted him to acknowledge that he was hurting Gaila by avoiding her. I wasn't exactly, well, tactful about it.

[He sighed and looked over at her, noting that at least he seemed to be seeing Ezri Dax, and not Jadzia or some stranger.]

That must have been hard on you. To have Worf acting that way.

[He reached out to cover her hand with his own.]

[experiences]

There's this overwhelming sense of self preservation for someone I'm not anymore. I feel it for Emony, too, just not as strongly as I do for Jadzia.

[ she sighed. ]

Both of you probably got out of hand. You're both passionate men who care a great deal for Jadzia and obviously you hit a sore spot with him in bringing up this Gaila. I'll talk to him.

[ ezri's eyes flickered down to the hand covering hers and she swallowed back the emotion that threatened to bubble up at such a tender gesture that she knew was meant in friendship and tried hard not to interpret as something else. ]

Worf and I sorted it out eventually. He's a good friend now and I can't really hold it against him for shunning me at first. It's just how Worf is.

[kukalaka_n_me]

I can't even imagine what that would be like, having two versions of yourself on the station and knowing how and when they day.

[He eyed her sympathetically.]

As usual, I'm all caught up in what's bothering me, but you haven't had a very easy time since we got here. Having to keep so much of what you know a secret. If you ever need to just get things off your chest, you know you can count on me to offer an ear, and a shoulder if you need it.

As for Kirk, I'm not sure it would be a good idea to try and talk to him about Gaila right now, the mere mention of her name had him striding off like it was the most taboo subject in the entire galaxy.

Then again, a therapy session might actually do him some good.

[Was he still a bit out of sorts over Kirk's attitude? Why yes he was.]

[experiences]

[ that look and those words were so her julian, but he wasn't her julian. he wasn't the one from her point in time. he hadn't even met her until they were both brought here to shtel nor. it wasn't fair, but she had no right to enforce feelings and the notion of a relationship on someone who didn't even know her as just ezri. she and worf were in the same boat right now, it seemed. ]

There's a lot Jim needs to talk about, but needing to and being ready to are two different things.

[ why hello pot calling the kettle black, how are you today? ]

There's a lot he has in common with the James T. Kirk from our timeline who's psychological profile I've made a point to familiarize myself with, but there's even more that's a person who doesn't fit anything I've read or studied at the Academy. He's not that guy and he can't be handled like he's him. It's certainly something Starfleet Medical would get a kick out of if we ever get back to where we belong.

[kukalaka_n_me]

I have no intention of handling him except in a medical emergency way. Clearly I put his nose out of joint and I'd rather not incite him to quite literally put mine out.

[He sighed, and rubbed at his temple wearily. He picked up his fork and halfheartedly took a bite. Then he set it down again.]

What does Jadzia see in him, anyway?