> WHAT WAS, WHAT IFS, WHAT COULD BE; OH MY! [ JULIAN | GAILA ]

[kukalaka_n_me]

[Julian was due to meet Gaila on the promenade in a few minutes for lunch, but he paused on the walkway above, watching people walk by below. The station wasn't very populated and didn't have the same bustle that DS9 did, but he still liked to stroll the mezzanine

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[aeruginous]

[ one could mark it as a red letter day - because, yes, gaila was wearing the starfleet women's pants uniform. frankly it would have been just plain bad sense to wear a skirt when she'd be spending most of the morning working under a replicator, which still hadn't yielded to her even as noon was drawing dangerously close. she really wanted to have the frosts programmed by then but she'd run into a hitch and had to spend some time reading while tentatively sipping a raktajino (the cup was till two-thirds full and cold by now). eventually she realised she just wasn't going to get it done before julian arrived and slid out, standing and straightening her shirt.

she caught sight of julian on the way to dispose of the rest of her coffee. she assumed his eyes were just wandering and waited a moment to see if he'd notice her, so she could offer a wave. but she realised quickly he was actually looking at someone, and followed his gaze. to jim. and dax. what reason he'd have to look at dax, she wasn't sure, but she felt suddenly insecure and angry jim was there. she hadn't seen him here before, and she assumed the only reason she saw him now was because she'd been hidden in the least used replicator, behind the counter where no one ever bothered to go.

she really had no idea what to do about it. it wasn't like running into an ex-boyfriend because they'd never officially broken up, or even been together. he told her he'd be there for her and then he fucking disappeared because she died and that wasn't her fault. but suddenly she had no appetite and no desire to be anywhere near the replimat. instead she chose the least noticeable way out and made her way to meet julian up on the mezzanine. ]

[kukalaka_n_me]

[Julian was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't even notice Gaila approaching him until she was close. He stood more upright, no longer leaning on the railing.]

Oh, hello. Am I late? I'm sorry I was just...

[He trailed off, not wanting to admit that he had been mulling over lost opportunities. He couldn't help but reflexively glance down at the couple again, though, before attempting to give Gaila his full attention.]

...coming to meet you.

[aeruginous]

[ she didn't miss that and she really wanted to know why he'd be compelled to all but stare at jim and dax, but that was hardly a question to open with, so she kept it to herself, hands behind her back. ]

No, you're on time. I just thought maybe we'd go somewhere else. I've been in the replimat all day.

[ telling a half-truth was technically not telling a lie, after all. ]

[kukalaka_n_me]

Somewhere else?

[He looked down to where they were supposed to have been having lunch (and where Kirk and Jadzia still were), and then nodded.]

Actually, I think that's an excellent idea. Perhaps we could find another replicator and...have a picnic? Say, in the Arboretum?

If you've been working on the replicators all morning then a change of scenery would do you good.

[aeruginous]

That sounds great.

[ anything sounded better than eating near jim and dax and pretending that was normal. she turned back toward the turbolift, having to remind herself to walk beside him, despite her mood. her emotions really were getting away with her in this place. it was, ironically, very aggravating. ]

I took your advice and got some reading done at upper pilon two. It was nice. I almost fell asleep up there.

[kukalaka_n_me]

I'm glad that it worked out for you.

[Despite his own troubled thoughts, he wasn't so blind as to miss that Gaila wasn't in a very good mood for a lunch date. Once they were in the turbolift, he turned to her.]

What's wrong? Did the replicators fight back or something?

[aeruginous]

[ damn it. that just made her frustrated with herself. she used to be so much harder to read before she came here. or maybe she just never met anyone who cared enough to read her, beyond a few close friends. she hated how there was nothing to really focus on in the turbolift. nowhere to glue her eyes when she wasn't looking at him. ]

I just saw someone who's been avoiding me. It wouldn't matter so much if I'd actually done something wrong, but I didn't.

[kukalaka_n_me]

Who's been avoiding you? Whomever he is, he sounds like a downright cad.

[aeruginous]

[ she shook her head and looked at him. ]

Naming names wouldn't help - I don't need my honour defended or anything. I could have gone up and confronted him but he was with someone. [ she smiled a little, but there was no emotion behind it. ] She looked pretty happy. I didn't want to upset her.

[kukalaka_n_me]

As you've pointed out before.

[Julian smiled wryly at her. But it didn't really reach his eyes. He glanced down for a moment. When he spoke again it was with quite a subdued tone.]

You're referring to Captain Kirk and Lt. Commander Dax, aren't you.

[aeruginous]

[ she was surprised he knew almost immediately - but then, she'd only seen them because he had. ]

Yes. [ she paused. well, if they were going to talk about it. ] I... noticed you looking at them too.

[kukalaka_n_me]

[She'd noticed him looking at them? At her? He sighed and then rubbed at his face as though he were tired.]

Turbolift stop.

[He turned to face Gaila.]

Do you remember when I said that I'd lost someone close to me? That she'd died before I came here?

That was Jadzia Dax.

[aeruginous]

[ oh. oh. she hadn't assumed anything, but still. god that must be horrible. automatically, she turned to face him completely. ]

I'm sorry, Julian. I wouldn't have mentioned it if I'd known.

[ she looked away. down, at the door, as she thought of how to say this, or if she should. she wasn't comparing their experiences... just stating why seeing them was significant to her. ]

When I told you I thought I had a serious relationship... Well, you can guess the rest, probably.

[kukalaka_n_me]

How could you have known? Those of us who do, can't say anything, we can't let it slip to her. I shouldn't even be telling you. But...

[He sighed, then processed the rest of what she had said.]

You and Kirk? [Had been serious?]

Oh, I'm sorry.

He's avoiding you because of what happened before you came here, I presume. And now he's with...

Well, aren't we a pair.

[He let out a short, rueful sort of laugh. There was also a hint of bitterness behind it.]

[aeruginous]

[ the best thing to do in this instance was probably to keep talking, but she was at a loss for what to say, and idle conversation would be beyond meaningless to borderline insulting.

it was just me assuming. i didn't have any hopes for it before i came here and something let me to believe it could be more than what it was.

all that wasn't worth saying. talking about it just made it linger, which was worse here, in a place it didn't belong. (the turbolift with him, not shtel nor with everyone.) perhaps she ought to go with her gut instinct, but she didn't know how he'd react to that - she found she was much more wary of approaching someone she couldn't read, so maybe she wasn't as impulsive as she always liked to think. but she didn't want him to feel rejected. and she didn't feel rejected, exactly - neglected, but not jealous. she was a bit too angry with jim to care much about being with him, and honestly it hadn't really crossed her mind since the ion storm. that he was avoiding her, yes. that he was dating someone else, not particularly.

she really disliked thinking about it all so much. in some ways she knew why reacting to julian could be such a process, and in others she didn't. but the last time she'd thrown caution to the wind had worked out... she could take another chance on him, even if it put her heart in her throat to do so.

gaila stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, praying he wouldn't go rigid or push her away. ]

[kukalaka_n_me]

[There were so many things Julian regretted, he wouldn't have known where to begin to articulate them all.

And yet, what right did he have to be upset about some things when the woman standing next to him had lost so much? Not only was she doomed to return to an uncertain fate, but she'd been stripped emotionally of the very support she could have sorely used to cope with her circumstances in the first place.

He hadn't expected her to embrace him, but when she did, Julian closed his eyes and hugged her back tightly. That Gaila would try to comfort him, when she was the one hurting herself...He pressed his cheek against her hair, hoping that his response was comforting to her in return.]