raise your had if your life doesn't suck right now
that's what i thought. maybe it's just that lj is a safe place to vent. i know that's what it is for me. seriously, what asshole gets online and journals for fiftyhundred years about how awesome shit is? NO ONE. my point exactly. this is the ultimate black hole of depression. and how i love it so. fair warning: this gets stupid and pretty wordy and i'm a drama queen with a big creative vocabulary. proceed at your own risk.
today was shaping up to be really good. and until about like an hour and a half ago, it was living up to just that expectation. i woke up in a lovely mood, not having slept for a superlong time, but feeling rested and content. the sky looked soo blue and a cute dog was barking i'm sure solely to remindind me that he was close by if i felt like saying hit to him or sneaking his skinny ass a clif bar over the fence. i didn't. got a LOT done at the house, pretty much all the small crap that isn't ridiculously embedded in a closet or crawl space. there will be random odds and ends for some time i'm sure, but all the major stuff is out. tomorrow morning i'm going back with vince and steve and a moving truck to get the big furniture, which i already broke down and got set to go, so it shouldn't be that bad really. i was really productive. all by myself.
then aj came home, like 5 minutes before i was ready to head out. and i was folding laundry at the couch, and he walks past me and says so casually, "oh, no friends to help you out?" and i lost it. this is so hard. it's hard in a way that i don't even understand. and i don't have 5 million family members to be there for me every second of the day and to offer their houses and food and arms. i feel so alone. and i chose this. i guess i could have never predicted what it would really feel like...i mean, i never imagined that there would be this lack of support from my mom...i mean she's supportive but not like "i'm going to get you through this" supportive. and vince is so sweet and his friends keep calling me to just be like nat come hang out! but it's just...something...nothing. i don't know. and in this weird way i feel good for having to go through all of it. i'm trying my best to feel through everything...never to push my emotions away. i want to understand the pain that all of this is. i feel like i want to search my lonliness. i want to learn about me, to see, i guess, what i can handle. and at this point, just living through all of this IS handling it. today i thought for the first time that i might like to try living on my own. money-wise, i'm not sure that it's feasible, but for the first time EVER in my life, today i feel like i could do it. i feel like bamboo, growing a foot a day.
my heart is sad for the loss of what was, at a time in my life, a deep and true love. and i am in mourning i think for the stability that being married and owning a house meant for me, because i've always been so afraid of the unknown. that's a long story...back to dad leaving when i was 5...and it sounds so cliche, but i've never leaned on it as an excuse. life sucks and everyone has problems, i've never EVER used my family situation as a kid color the way that i see my own responsibility in any given situation. but looking at things now, i've let those wounds that never really healed...nor will they ever...i've sort of let the need to protect them dictate my decisions, and in doing so, the course of my life. i've never been independent, and for all of my efforts at self-discovery, i've just never looked at the core of my motivation. and i think if i had, i would have found instead of ambition or love or happiness, or a million other worthy driving forces, fear. fear of being alone. so i've wrapped myself in my relationships with other people and allowed myself to identify with the people around me in a way that left me incapable of being alone, in the sense that if i actually was invested in other people beyond easily breakable bonds, that i would never have to be alone. somehow that my idnetity and those of the people around me would be inextricably linked. i became a web of correlations and intertwined identities to the point where i was no longer a recognizable individual, but instead a well packaged composite of all the people i cared about. i lived for them, and because of them, and lost me altogether.
until six months ago.
and here, all this time later, i know that i'm still effed up. and there are a million things about myself that need to be revealed and examined and dealt with. i have plenty of work to do; but the hardest part, i truly believe, is over. i feel like a prisoner in plato's cave, all along framing what little i saw as best i could, believing all along that what i saw was the entirety of what is. when the realty coudn't have been farther from the truth.
today was shaping up to be really good. and until about like an hour and a half ago, it was living up to just that expectation. i woke up in a lovely mood, not having slept for a superlong time, but feeling rested and content. the sky looked soo blue and a cute dog was barking i'm sure solely to remindind me that he was close by if i felt like saying hit to him or sneaking his skinny ass a clif bar over the fence. i didn't. got a LOT done at the house, pretty much all the small crap that isn't ridiculously embedded in a closet or crawl space. there will be random odds and ends for some time i'm sure, but all the major stuff is out. tomorrow morning i'm going back with vince and steve and a moving truck to get the big furniture, which i already broke down and got set to go, so it shouldn't be that bad really. i was really productive. all by myself.
then aj came home, like 5 minutes before i was ready to head out. and i was folding laundry at the couch, and he walks past me and says so casually, "oh, no friends to help you out?" and i lost it. this is so hard. it's hard in a way that i don't even understand. and i don't have 5 million family members to be there for me every second of the day and to offer their houses and food and arms. i feel so alone. and i chose this. i guess i could have never predicted what it would really feel like...i mean, i never imagined that there would be this lack of support from my mom...i mean she's supportive but not like "i'm going to get you through this" supportive. and vince is so sweet and his friends keep calling me to just be like nat come hang out! but it's just...something...nothing. i don't know. and in this weird way i feel good for having to go through all of it. i'm trying my best to feel through everything...never to push my emotions away. i want to understand the pain that all of this is. i feel like i want to search my lonliness. i want to learn about me, to see, i guess, what i can handle. and at this point, just living through all of this IS handling it. today i thought for the first time that i might like to try living on my own. money-wise, i'm not sure that it's feasible, but for the first time EVER in my life, today i feel like i could do it. i feel like bamboo, growing a foot a day.
my heart is sad for the loss of what was, at a time in my life, a deep and true love. and i am in mourning i think for the stability that being married and owning a house meant for me, because i've always been so afraid of the unknown. that's a long story...back to dad leaving when i was 5...and it sounds so cliche, but i've never leaned on it as an excuse. life sucks and everyone has problems, i've never EVER used my family situation as a kid color the way that i see my own responsibility in any given situation. but looking at things now, i've let those wounds that never really healed...nor will they ever...i've sort of let the need to protect them dictate my decisions, and in doing so, the course of my life. i've never been independent, and for all of my efforts at self-discovery, i've just never looked at the core of my motivation. and i think if i had, i would have found instead of ambition or love or happiness, or a million other worthy driving forces, fear. fear of being alone. so i've wrapped myself in my relationships with other people and allowed myself to identify with the people around me in a way that left me incapable of being alone, in the sense that if i actually was invested in other people beyond easily breakable bonds, that i would never have to be alone. somehow that my idnetity and those of the people around me would be inextricably linked. i became a web of correlations and intertwined identities to the point where i was no longer a recognizable individual, but instead a well packaged composite of all the people i cared about. i lived for them, and because of them, and lost me altogether.
until six months ago.
and here, all this time later, i know that i'm still effed up. and there are a million things about myself that need to be revealed and examined and dealt with. i have plenty of work to do; but the hardest part, i truly believe, is over. i feel like a prisoner in plato's cave, all along framing what little i saw as best i could, believing all along that what i saw was the entirety of what is. when the realty coudn't have been farther from the truth.