Modus Operandi
I think that I really discover what I want in flashes...usually at the point of no return. Like everyone, I have ideas...hopes and dreams, of course, but to truly catch that "Eureka" sort of feeling for what you really, truly need to strive for in life is rare. And it usually comes when your foundation is rocked.
The movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still" captures this feeling well; at one critical point, when the core ideal of both the movie and the human condition are exposed, it's to the terms of only truly being able to change at a precipice. Make or break, fight or flight...you have to do something, and either way, your life won't ever be the same afterward.
All this time, since I've joined the Air Force, I've placed extreme importance on a few key, linear goals. I've been both diligent and fortunate enough to have thus far achieved every single one of them. Get Honor Grad at Basic, get an overseas assignment and Top Grad from Tech School, make BTZ (rank early), then get Staff Sergeant on my first try. So far, so good.
After that, though, the plans got a bit less specific...all I knew was that I wanted to continue doing something with my life I could be proud of, and to be able to have someone there to share it with. I wanted to get stationed overseas again, but in Germany so as to tour and live it up Euro-style. There's a deal in the Air Force where if you're single and volunteer to do a year in South Korea that you get a follow-on assignment to your base of preference. I signed up, and did get that option...but then came a wrench in the works.
The "less specific" part...I had also been trying to cross-train into a job that suits my talents a bit better than a specialist aircraft mechanic, which of course like anything in the military involves a LOT of paperwork. Some of that processing paperwork prevented my current job from becoming reserved, which to the point means that my retainment eligibility isn't what it should be. Bottom line: I lost my follow-on option. No Europe for the time being.
Well at first I was miffed, as an instinctive response. I mean, it was like I could taste it; it should have been automatic...then poof, one small snag made it disappear. It's what I wanted, it was the next step, how could this happen?
But I wasn't mad, once the initial feeling passed. In fact, I've come to realize that it's not only for the best, but exactly what I need. To start a fire (or in this case, a revelatory flash), it takes three things: oxygen, an ignition source, and fuel. I'm ever the oxygen, this was the fuel. The spark goes by the name of Tara Carter.
Two and a half years ago, I met Tara in Tech School. She was unassuming and direct, as Texan as you could get, and had huge anime eyeballs coupled with a smile like a one-year-old being held up in the air. We got there at the same time, so naturally we were around each other quite a bit. The world at that time is particularly small, mind you. We were never really close, though, but toward the end when we found we were both heading to not only the same base halfway around the world, but the same shop, we talked more and stayed in touch. Eventually we both arrived on tiny Okinawa, and just over two years later, I can say without reservation that there are few people in my life I've ever felt closer to, or more fortunate to have known. So many moments, great and small...life happens that way, of course.
She just left the island this past weekend. It was quite possibly the most difficult goodbye I've ever had, though not the saddest. However, once our final embrace unlocked and we tossed nicknames each others' way down in the parking lot...once we each walked up our own set of stairs, hers for the last time...I couldn't even walk. I stopped under a street light on the way to the club, looked down, and realized I was literally holding my chest, misty eyed, standing there. Sometimes, you just don't know how much of an effect someone's made on you until they're gone. God damn it all, I love that girl, and I miss her terribly already. Poof...
I went to the club and had some drinks. At least the locals were entertaining; Halloween really brings the wild side out in people, as several fights and scenes were starting up all around me. I had some beers, I even bummed a smoke off of a guy in the back room because fuck, if there was ever a time I needed one, it was right then. I left and went out to the back area, and kicked some ass at beer pong and carried on with everyone there, which was a welcome distraction. I made it back up to my room and let it sink in...and that's when it hit me. What I'm looking for now, what I need, is more of that kind of presence in my life. People who make waking up each day feel like a privilege, who make even things like doing dishes together something to look forward to, and who can inspire your will to be bigger than the small circumference of the Earth.
And so, I started thinking not only of her, but of everyone back in the States who has made me feel this way. Dave, Erin, so many of my family and friends (including the three of you I know who might actually read this, V, Sam, and Brian). What I'm looking for, what I need, isn't anywhere else in the world but back in the States right now. What I need is more contact with all of you, and to settle down with someone who can go the distance and have us both feel that amazing feeling for as long as we can. Once that happens, wherever we go really won't matter, because we'll make it worth going to regardless. (I've always lived by that, but it's about time I did it as part of a pair/team.)
Fortunately, although I won't be stationed back Stateside for a year and a half, I will be on leave there for pretty much the entire month of April. It means that anyone who's on that list can expect not only a visit, but excitement, passion, and memories that will last a lifetime. If that sort of thing does it for you, of course. It's the least I can do for you who light the fire under me.
The movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still" captures this feeling well; at one critical point, when the core ideal of both the movie and the human condition are exposed, it's to the terms of only truly being able to change at a precipice. Make or break, fight or flight...you have to do something, and either way, your life won't ever be the same afterward.
All this time, since I've joined the Air Force, I've placed extreme importance on a few key, linear goals. I've been both diligent and fortunate enough to have thus far achieved every single one of them. Get Honor Grad at Basic, get an overseas assignment and Top Grad from Tech School, make BTZ (rank early), then get Staff Sergeant on my first try. So far, so good.
After that, though, the plans got a bit less specific...all I knew was that I wanted to continue doing something with my life I could be proud of, and to be able to have someone there to share it with. I wanted to get stationed overseas again, but in Germany so as to tour and live it up Euro-style. There's a deal in the Air Force where if you're single and volunteer to do a year in South Korea that you get a follow-on assignment to your base of preference. I signed up, and did get that option...but then came a wrench in the works.
The "less specific" part...I had also been trying to cross-train into a job that suits my talents a bit better than a specialist aircraft mechanic, which of course like anything in the military involves a LOT of paperwork. Some of that processing paperwork prevented my current job from becoming reserved, which to the point means that my retainment eligibility isn't what it should be. Bottom line: I lost my follow-on option. No Europe for the time being.
Well at first I was miffed, as an instinctive response. I mean, it was like I could taste it; it should have been automatic...then poof, one small snag made it disappear. It's what I wanted, it was the next step, how could this happen?
But I wasn't mad, once the initial feeling passed. In fact, I've come to realize that it's not only for the best, but exactly what I need. To start a fire (or in this case, a revelatory flash), it takes three things: oxygen, an ignition source, and fuel. I'm ever the oxygen, this was the fuel. The spark goes by the name of Tara Carter.
Two and a half years ago, I met Tara in Tech School. She was unassuming and direct, as Texan as you could get, and had huge anime eyeballs coupled with a smile like a one-year-old being held up in the air. We got there at the same time, so naturally we were around each other quite a bit. The world at that time is particularly small, mind you. We were never really close, though, but toward the end when we found we were both heading to not only the same base halfway around the world, but the same shop, we talked more and stayed in touch. Eventually we both arrived on tiny Okinawa, and just over two years later, I can say without reservation that there are few people in my life I've ever felt closer to, or more fortunate to have known. So many moments, great and small...life happens that way, of course.
She just left the island this past weekend. It was quite possibly the most difficult goodbye I've ever had, though not the saddest. However, once our final embrace unlocked and we tossed nicknames each others' way down in the parking lot...once we each walked up our own set of stairs, hers for the last time...I couldn't even walk. I stopped under a street light on the way to the club, looked down, and realized I was literally holding my chest, misty eyed, standing there. Sometimes, you just don't know how much of an effect someone's made on you until they're gone. God damn it all, I love that girl, and I miss her terribly already. Poof...
I went to the club and had some drinks. At least the locals were entertaining; Halloween really brings the wild side out in people, as several fights and scenes were starting up all around me. I had some beers, I even bummed a smoke off of a guy in the back room because fuck, if there was ever a time I needed one, it was right then. I left and went out to the back area, and kicked some ass at beer pong and carried on with everyone there, which was a welcome distraction. I made it back up to my room and let it sink in...and that's when it hit me. What I'm looking for now, what I need, is more of that kind of presence in my life. People who make waking up each day feel like a privilege, who make even things like doing dishes together something to look forward to, and who can inspire your will to be bigger than the small circumference of the Earth.
And so, I started thinking not only of her, but of everyone back in the States who has made me feel this way. Dave, Erin, so many of my family and friends (including the three of you I know who might actually read this, V, Sam, and Brian). What I'm looking for, what I need, isn't anywhere else in the world but back in the States right now. What I need is more contact with all of you, and to settle down with someone who can go the distance and have us both feel that amazing feeling for as long as we can. Once that happens, wherever we go really won't matter, because we'll make it worth going to regardless. (I've always lived by that, but it's about time I did it as part of a pair/team.)
Fortunately, although I won't be stationed back Stateside for a year and a half, I will be on leave there for pretty much the entire month of April. It means that anyone who's on that list can expect not only a visit, but excitement, passion, and memories that will last a lifetime. If that sort of thing does it for you, of course. It's the least I can do for you who light the fire under me.