A Magical Night

Aug 01, 2014 23:08


I guess what scares me is that I don't know what he sees in me. I know what I see in others that inspires love; it's what I expect others to see in and love about me. I look in the mirror and imagine how, despite all my faults, mental and physical, I see beauty in the world and its all its creatures. An artistic essence, yet to mature, flows through me as well, albeit as raw, unrefined inclination. I know I can spin rhetoric and music; I offer and inspire empathy; I try to be helpful towards strangers; and I'm fiercely loyal to those I love. These are the things I love and see in me. But what does he?

When our emotions rage--or maybe merely my own--I run for cover. I am quiet. And he seeks to right things. Because he's a good man and he loves me. And yet somehow we are at odds: we misunderstand one another. We seem to have accepted that our respective quests, should we continue to intertwine our lives, will perpetually involve peeling away the delicate layers of ourselves and learning to accept what we discover underneath. My emotions rage and he seeks to understand. He comes with his foibles, his superstitions, however they might be backed by his science, and I am meant to seek understanding as well. It would only be fair.

But I run for cover.

When I turn from him, when I know we're both hurting, it seems to boil my insides in acid. But I wonder if the cause of the rage--invariably my erring--serves to be the acid itself, and as I run for cover with my tail tucked between my legs, my very own velocity is the element that boils my shame. I am tired of making mistakes, and tired of swallowing my pride, probably because I spend more time perplexed by his acceptance of me, his desire to understand. And then I attack myself further, berating me for being beaten to the better man's post by my own teammate.

When the heat dies down, I am left with the overwhelming desire to better myself. It becomes revealed to me that I have only two sensible goals to aspire towards: learning from my mistake and striving to love him somehow as much as he must love me.

If I don't--if I can't--then this affair will surely end.

rd

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