On the Occasion of Coming to many Crossroads...
I've been in a mope this last week...
Much of it had to do with last Saturday, but after talking to Josh, I've decided that no matter how painful it is, I have to just put it behind me, and not it effect my future or my relationships with other people. I can't be the victim forever, and cry about it. I am stronger than this. My mother always said that these little trials (or traumatic ones) are just passing things, and it should never spoil this most precious gift. And after thinking about it, I agree. I was raised stronger than this. And I want let it defeat me.
And with that I felt a little healed.
So after moving on from that point, I came to another crossroads. Sitting at my desk Thursday, and feeling that my stress partially stems from the frustration and stagnation in my life, I decided I had to make a very serious decision right then and there. So, I pulled out my re-contracting papers. For a long moment, I argued back and forth with myself, and then with Josh, about whether or not I should sign the "yes, i am here for one more year" or the "no, i am going home" line. With all the force of my will, I signed the "I'm going home line" and quickly rushed it to my supervisor before I had time to second guess myself.
Thinking that had been resolved, I felt a little lighter going home. Unfortunately, I got a phone call at around 10:15 pm. My supervisor was waiting for me outside my apartment building and wanted to go for a drive. I was halfway afraid I was going to be killed and dumped on the side of the road. But I went.
She explained that it had bothered her that I turned in those papers so fast. And she wanted to know why I had decided to leave.
I explained to her the best I could. I wasn't trained for this... I want to do more... I feel like my life is stagnant... I want to travel... etc. But I was so honest with her I was afraid I was going to cry. I am really going to miss the faces of my students. That's really why I do this everyday. Just to talk with them and have them remember me. My day feels tons better when I am walking home and I hear my name screamed out along with a "HELLO" from my last year students. Or when a group of elementary students stop me and tug on my clothes to ask me where I am going or if I want to see what they have. It breaks my heart to walk away from that.
It is always hard to leave a life that you built on your own. I came here by myself, and since then I have taken care of myself. I have come through ups and downs, and have done my best to live relying on no one. I would like to think I have grown up.
My supervisor said she thought I had grown up. And that she understood what I meant. She embraced me and told me I was the cutest thing she had ever seen. But that she wasn't going to accept my resignation yet. She was hoping that by February I would have changed my mind, and they would have won me over for a third year. So she said she would bury those papers, and just not look at them till then.
It was an amazingly kind gesture, and I was touched. But I have to do what's best for me...
So knowing that this will be my last year (even if she doesn't want to accept it), I am left in the same emotional state I was in before I came here. What am I going to do with my life?
And that has been the source of most of my moping this week. Aside from some unhealthy obsessing which I think I am just using as a distraction, I really have come to a point where I am not sure where I want to go. When I left college, I knew it was coming here or nothing. The only confusion was about how to get here. But now, after almost a year and half, I am not sure if I want to stay here or try something else. I am starting to find excuses for me to stay, and almost back tracking.
What happened to my ever progression forward?
I need to focus. And not let these trivial things ruin what time I have left here. I want to smile everyday, but its hard, especially doing it alone for so long.
This year will be marked with change. It has to be. Its my year after all. I have to make it count for the two months I have left.
i just feel like saying 'I love you' with a smile.
Much of it had to do with last Saturday, but after talking to Josh, I've decided that no matter how painful it is, I have to just put it behind me, and not it effect my future or my relationships with other people. I can't be the victim forever, and cry about it. I am stronger than this. My mother always said that these little trials (or traumatic ones) are just passing things, and it should never spoil this most precious gift. And after thinking about it, I agree. I was raised stronger than this. And I want let it defeat me.
And with that I felt a little healed.
So after moving on from that point, I came to another crossroads. Sitting at my desk Thursday, and feeling that my stress partially stems from the frustration and stagnation in my life, I decided I had to make a very serious decision right then and there. So, I pulled out my re-contracting papers. For a long moment, I argued back and forth with myself, and then with Josh, about whether or not I should sign the "yes, i am here for one more year" or the "no, i am going home" line. With all the force of my will, I signed the "I'm going home line" and quickly rushed it to my supervisor before I had time to second guess myself.
Thinking that had been resolved, I felt a little lighter going home. Unfortunately, I got a phone call at around 10:15 pm. My supervisor was waiting for me outside my apartment building and wanted to go for a drive. I was halfway afraid I was going to be killed and dumped on the side of the road. But I went.
She explained that it had bothered her that I turned in those papers so fast. And she wanted to know why I had decided to leave.
I explained to her the best I could. I wasn't trained for this... I want to do more... I feel like my life is stagnant... I want to travel... etc. But I was so honest with her I was afraid I was going to cry. I am really going to miss the faces of my students. That's really why I do this everyday. Just to talk with them and have them remember me. My day feels tons better when I am walking home and I hear my name screamed out along with a "HELLO" from my last year students. Or when a group of elementary students stop me and tug on my clothes to ask me where I am going or if I want to see what they have. It breaks my heart to walk away from that.
It is always hard to leave a life that you built on your own. I came here by myself, and since then I have taken care of myself. I have come through ups and downs, and have done my best to live relying on no one. I would like to think I have grown up.
My supervisor said she thought I had grown up. And that she understood what I meant. She embraced me and told me I was the cutest thing she had ever seen. But that she wasn't going to accept my resignation yet. She was hoping that by February I would have changed my mind, and they would have won me over for a third year. So she said she would bury those papers, and just not look at them till then.
It was an amazingly kind gesture, and I was touched. But I have to do what's best for me...
So knowing that this will be my last year (even if she doesn't want to accept it), I am left in the same emotional state I was in before I came here. What am I going to do with my life?
And that has been the source of most of my moping this week. Aside from some unhealthy obsessing which I think I am just using as a distraction, I really have come to a point where I am not sure where I want to go. When I left college, I knew it was coming here or nothing. The only confusion was about how to get here. But now, after almost a year and half, I am not sure if I want to stay here or try something else. I am starting to find excuses for me to stay, and almost back tracking.
What happened to my ever progression forward?
I need to focus. And not let these trivial things ruin what time I have left here. I want to smile everyday, but its hard, especially doing it alone for so long.
This year will be marked with change. It has to be. Its my year after all. I have to make it count for the two months I have left.
i just feel like saying 'I love you' with a smile.