Just to get this out of my system
Ok, today is not a good day.
I feel really awful about everything I do, and I know it's just because I need reassurance and I can't find it.
It's a long story, it's not the first time I feel like that, it's a recurring feeling, actually. It happens every time I do something that I'm proud of, something that's important to me, something I need support about and nobody shows up.
When I was a theatre actress (for several years, actually) I used to scan the audience from behind the curtains, hoping that that time some of my friends would show up. The theatre was full, the public was great, but my friends where nowhere to be seen. Ever.
Same thing when I used to sing in a choir. I've been a soprano for 10 years, 10-12 concerts per year and still no friend in the audience, ever.
I sometime still make the same mistake, asking friends to support me, to help me, to read what I write, to give me suggestions and all that stuff that friends do. It only makes me feel worse, when my friends remain silent and start talking about something else.
I am the kind of person that the people love to forget. One day I will disappear completely and someone will say "Hey... was there someone here, just a moment ago? No? Ok." and that will be all.
I make projects, I plan, I dream, I write, but every time, when the time comes, it all ends in nothing. It's frustrating, it's making me feel like a depressed teenager again, and I'm not.
I go on, every day, I go to work, I clean my house, I cook, I pay bills, I write, I read, but I'm starting to feel very bitter.
I feel really awful about everything I do, and I know it's just because I need reassurance and I can't find it.
It's a long story, it's not the first time I feel like that, it's a recurring feeling, actually. It happens every time I do something that I'm proud of, something that's important to me, something I need support about and nobody shows up.
When I was a theatre actress (for several years, actually) I used to scan the audience from behind the curtains, hoping that that time some of my friends would show up. The theatre was full, the public was great, but my friends where nowhere to be seen. Ever.
Same thing when I used to sing in a choir. I've been a soprano for 10 years, 10-12 concerts per year and still no friend in the audience, ever.
I sometime still make the same mistake, asking friends to support me, to help me, to read what I write, to give me suggestions and all that stuff that friends do. It only makes me feel worse, when my friends remain silent and start talking about something else.
I am the kind of person that the people love to forget. One day I will disappear completely and someone will say "Hey... was there someone here, just a moment ago? No? Ok." and that will be all.
I make projects, I plan, I dream, I write, but every time, when the time comes, it all ends in nothing. It's frustrating, it's making me feel like a depressed teenager again, and I'm not.
I go on, every day, I go to work, I clean my house, I cook, I pay bills, I write, I read, but I'm starting to feel very bitter.