Strange Spacing for a Strange Week....
So much for my happy ending ...
Let's talk this over !!! It's not like we're dead Was it something I did? Was it something you said? Don't leave me hangin' In a city so dead Held up so high On such a breakable thread You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be You were everything, everything that I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending You've got your dumb friends I know what they say They tell you I'm difficult But so are they But they don't know me Do they even know you? All the things you hide from me All the shit that you do You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be It's nice to know that you were there Thanks for acting like you cared And making me feel like I was the only one It's nice to know we had it all Thanks for watching as I fall And letting me know we were done ... So much for my happy ending
I never knew my father
I never knew his pain
Or that an empty home life
Would break him down again
So when I feel like running I have to look inside
I want to find the answer
I want to break my line
Fear falls down like rain
And it makes me whole again
Fear falls like rain
Take me as I am
I'm NOT broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting
I want to roll my darkness into a million suns
I need to find forgiveness when all the pain is done
I want to hear I'm sorry, I want to let you go
I have to find my own life, I want to learn to grow
Fear falls down like rain
And it makes me whole again
Fear falls like rain
Take me as I am
I'm NOT broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting
It makes me whole again
Take me as I am
I'm NOT broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting
There are many people in my life who have always been there for me. In my time of need, they were there. When my world was turned upside down, they were there. They lent their sympathies and their support. And I thank them very much for all they did for me. But, in reality I don't need sympathy. I think I'm alright, really. Considering this whole mountain of unfathomable shit seemed to fall upon me only Saturday, and here we are, Thursday and I'm completely fine. Someone said I was taking this alot better than the last time Ian and I broke up. My answer was... I guess I'm just used to it. But What I'm getting at is this. Earlier today I made an erronious statement that all I had was myself. I was in this Lestat frame of mind, and Ian was my Magnus. He took me from what I knew, brought me to something different, completely different, totally changed me and the ways I had to look at/deal with the world, and then poof. I was on my own. Lestat once said that all he had was himself and his maker taught him that. It was the only thing is maker taught him. I'm far luckier. I have much more than just me. There are so many out there who've never abandoned me. Now, I say "abandoned" not in the clingy, whiney, bitchy, scorned ex-lover way, but in the very literal sence that abandonment is a sudden leaving. This was very much a sudden leaving. So, no one has any need to get up in arms, I've explained myself.
I'm looking that the world completely anew. And its... interesting. Honestly, the more I think about it, I'm starting to see Ian's idea of ending this as a good thing. Because through my rose colored glasses I couldn't see that we were both far too stubborn, lost and immature to notice that our relationship was flimsy at best and toxic. Completely and utterly toxic, to the point where I was addicted to it. But no longer. I've weened. I've gone through withdrawl. Bring on the rain.
If Ian ever wanted to give this a second chance.... which I'd be up for, we'd jsut have to start again. Same loving emotion, but our foundation was horridly makeshift. We'd have to really make some changes. On both ends. I know I have fault and mistakes on my part, there were mutual problems, however. And Ian is working on his. I've been working on mine all summer, and alotof last year. Now I'm in the final touches of smoothing them all out and having them work in concert with eachother.
I still feel very strongly for Ian. I love him, I'm in love with him. Part of me wishes that would go away because it mightmake something easier, but it doesn't matter because it's not entirely difficult. I can sleep. I can smile. I'm fine. And We're friends. I'll always be there for him.... whenever he wants me around. In the mean time I'm out meeting new people, new friends, broadening my social horizons. Every face is a new possibility. I am just a little more weary of romance. And I probably always will be. All it takes is once and you're gun-shy.
Just because he and I ended... I remember that death is but a begining. Mourn and move on. I'm moving on. And I'm moving up.
Its been all about meeting people now. I'm doing that. Namely folks from the RC... Tan and Sean and so forth. Then there's Jude from Anthropology. All severely cool people. Joe, Matt's roommate is coming over with Matt to watch Behind Enemy Lines. I'm up for anything really... socializing rocks. But I'd better wrap this up.... gotta study. Quiz....