Love and financ... I mean, marriage
I am so glad we're going to couple's counseling, not because we need it (Matt and I needed it and he never wanted to go, part of what led to our relationship's demise) but because it's having us talk about things we never considered before. This most recent one was related to finances, and while we've talked about it before, having a professional third party is super helpful for delving deeper than what we could have done on our own.
I didn't know Alden's family history with finances, so that was enlightening. The biggest surprise was that it was money that tore his parents apart, which isn't unusual, I realize, but just to know where he came from shed so much light on how he manages money now. His father was a penny pincher, almost reminiscent of a post-Depression-era squirrel, and his mom was the one who would take the kids out to fun outings, especially when his parents got divorced and even more since his mom married his stepdad.
Add to that his ex's frugality but also making it impossible for him to buy *anything* without having an argument over whether he actually needed or even wanted it. Of course, the same rules didn't apply when she wanted something, but she would berate him every time. When they got divorced, he admittedly went to the opposite end of the spectrum. Not in a way he couldn't afford, but he definitely became more spontaneous and impulsive.
I'm... IDK, probably closer to his dad, but not at all to his level, haha. My mom taught me how to balance a checkbook when I was 12, and I got babysitting gigs shortly after that to pay for sundries (shampoo and conditioner and other bathroom stuff, fun things for myself, whatever). I think that was a little extreme, making a preteen responsible for anything not food or shelter (and AFAIK, they didn't do this with my siblings!), but I did learn very quickly the inherent value of a dollar.
I got my first "real" job at 17 and started saving for things like college tuition and a desktop computer for me to take with me. I signed up for my first credit card at 18, used that to pay for the computer, then paid off the card, so I've had credit (excellent credit, at that!) for 25 years now. My dad lost his job just before I went to college, so I was eligible for Pell grants, but even if my parents wanted to help me with college, they couldn't afford to, anyway. So starting at 18, I was on my own.
When Matt and I got married, he insisted he was a numbers person and he should be in charge of our finances. Sure, whatever, I trust you. He kept the bank account information and, while he never hid anything from me on purpose (not that I can recall, at least), he did change the passwords and never told me.
I considered that a nonissue until three major points:
(1) When we first started looking for houses after we got married, I wanted to keep the budget around $280k. It was on the very low end, yes, but there were houses that fit that criteria, even in 2010/2011. He insisted we couldn't get anything at that price and raised the budget to $300k. That went up in $10k increments until we bought our house at $330k... and we apparently quickly went house poor (more on that later).
(2) We were discussing getting a new TV to replace our plasma, another purchase he did while we were engaged but that he didn't consult me on (though I mean, we weren't married yet, so...? but our finances were merged already...?!). I asked that he wait until Memorial Day or whatever next major holiday was coming up so we could save up for it and save on it, but a month or so later -- well before when we had agreed to look, much to his indignation -- he called and asked me to help him get something out of his car. It was a TV he had spent $1000 on... and that dropped by half by the time the next major holiday came up.
(3) He had a VW Rabbit that was entirely paid off shortly after we got married. What a great feeling, not having a car payment! He wanted to replace it, though, and again, I asked that he wait until a major holiday. I didn't want him to replace it at all, but he was insistent, and sure fine whatever. He would have had to wait three months at the most until the next one, so imagine my... surprise when he pulled into our townhouse's parking spot in a fucking brand new Honda Accord, totally suped up and costing around $25k. WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. Fuck my permission at that point... he had called earlier that day saying he was going out to a car dealership to get an estimate on his Rabbit, and he came home with a car we never even discussed.
... I made him return it. He couldn't, so he downgraded, but I never trusted him after that (and he was sooooo indignant whenever I brought it up after that, like I was just supposed to forget it ever happened. Yeah, fuck that).
When we were figuring out finances during the divorce, I realized very quickly why I should never have trusted him with sole financial responsibilities. He always insisted we didn't need a savings account despite my protests otherwise (I really wanted one to save three months' worth of our income for emergencies, especially after Tycho came around) and generally always said we were financially solvent. Between the two of us, by the time we separated, we made about $150k combined.
Imagine my surprise when we went to split the bank account and there was a GRAND TOTAL of TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS in the account. True, we had no credit card debt; true, we made some money off the house (each of us took away just shy of $7k). But two thousand dollars to our name?!?! FOR REAL???
I wasn't mad at the time, just scared shitless. I made almost half what he did, and if the house didn't bring in anything, I was going to really struggle. I didn't have enough to afford a fucking deposit on an apartment with what we had, and unlike Matt (who has taken advantage of this benefit), I didn't have parents who could help pay for anything!
Long story short: I set up a budget, cussed Matt under my breath for putting me (not him, ME) in this situation, and somehow managed to save around $100/month after expenses after we separated, even considering fun stuff for Tycho. I blew my savings when I moved because I had to take out money for a down payment on my house, but I was incredibly frugal and managed to make it on my own, which is no small feat.
And Matt? He makes six figures and still lives paycheck to paycheck. He bought a $2k television that, you guessed it, dropped in value not even six months after he bought it... down to $400. It's ridiculous, really. And you know what? I don't feel bad at ALL. FUCK him and what he did to me.
So going into this relationship, I'm very wary of impulse buys and generally having no control of, much less knowledge of, anything going on financially.
I knew I had told Alden before about the points above, but not about how destitute we were before Matt and I separated. That shocked him to the core, I think; it shocked me, too. After we left therapy, he did mention that he was a big boy and could take care of finances on his own, but he does realize that I'm good at it and, considering my past experience with Matt, he's okay with me having a stronger hold on our finances.
He also likes what I do with my "fun" money. He wanted to do that with his ex, too -- have a separate account with money he could spend indiscriminately -- but she absolutely refused because she's a controlling manipulative bitch aaaaand I'm done. On the 1st and 15th of every month, my main checking account dumps $250 into a second checking account, and that money is for groceries, fun stuff, whatever else I may want or need outside my typical bills (mortgage, utilities, etc.). Using that method, I've been able to keep my head above water. I could probably raise that amount, but I honestly want to keep it there for a bit since I'm now paying for grad school, too (and by that, I mean... putting my tuition on a credit card because I'm not eligible for financial aid).
So we're going to work out a budget this weekend for the both of us. It'll help when Alden's divorce is final (LONG STORY IT'S STILL NOT OVER WTF) and he can take a loan from his TSP to take care of his debt -- one place, one amount, lower interest rate, and he's paying himself the interest -- and he wants to add my debt to it, too, which is incredible and I told him he doesn't have to. But we're in this together. Anyway, so wiht that budget will be figuring out what goes where and how much in "fun" money we'll have.
I'm excited, but really stupid nervous. I hate talking about money not only because of my past, but because I have a hard time seeing my worth, and I KNOW that's my hangup. But at least I have a supportive partner this time who won't berate me or force us into self-inflicted poverty.
I love him so goddamn much, y'all.
I didn't know Alden's family history with finances, so that was enlightening. The biggest surprise was that it was money that tore his parents apart, which isn't unusual, I realize, but just to know where he came from shed so much light on how he manages money now. His father was a penny pincher, almost reminiscent of a post-Depression-era squirrel, and his mom was the one who would take the kids out to fun outings, especially when his parents got divorced and even more since his mom married his stepdad.
Add to that his ex's frugality but also making it impossible for him to buy *anything* without having an argument over whether he actually needed or even wanted it. Of course, the same rules didn't apply when she wanted something, but she would berate him every time. When they got divorced, he admittedly went to the opposite end of the spectrum. Not in a way he couldn't afford, but he definitely became more spontaneous and impulsive.
I'm... IDK, probably closer to his dad, but not at all to his level, haha. My mom taught me how to balance a checkbook when I was 12, and I got babysitting gigs shortly after that to pay for sundries (shampoo and conditioner and other bathroom stuff, fun things for myself, whatever). I think that was a little extreme, making a preteen responsible for anything not food or shelter (and AFAIK, they didn't do this with my siblings!), but I did learn very quickly the inherent value of a dollar.
I got my first "real" job at 17 and started saving for things like college tuition and a desktop computer for me to take with me. I signed up for my first credit card at 18, used that to pay for the computer, then paid off the card, so I've had credit (excellent credit, at that!) for 25 years now. My dad lost his job just before I went to college, so I was eligible for Pell grants, but even if my parents wanted to help me with college, they couldn't afford to, anyway. So starting at 18, I was on my own.
When Matt and I got married, he insisted he was a numbers person and he should be in charge of our finances. Sure, whatever, I trust you. He kept the bank account information and, while he never hid anything from me on purpose (not that I can recall, at least), he did change the passwords and never told me.
I considered that a nonissue until three major points:
(1) When we first started looking for houses after we got married, I wanted to keep the budget around $280k. It was on the very low end, yes, but there were houses that fit that criteria, even in 2010/2011. He insisted we couldn't get anything at that price and raised the budget to $300k. That went up in $10k increments until we bought our house at $330k... and we apparently quickly went house poor (more on that later).
(2) We were discussing getting a new TV to replace our plasma, another purchase he did while we were engaged but that he didn't consult me on (though I mean, we weren't married yet, so...? but our finances were merged already...?!). I asked that he wait until Memorial Day or whatever next major holiday was coming up so we could save up for it and save on it, but a month or so later -- well before when we had agreed to look, much to his indignation -- he called and asked me to help him get something out of his car. It was a TV he had spent $1000 on... and that dropped by half by the time the next major holiday came up.
(3) He had a VW Rabbit that was entirely paid off shortly after we got married. What a great feeling, not having a car payment! He wanted to replace it, though, and again, I asked that he wait until a major holiday. I didn't want him to replace it at all, but he was insistent, and sure fine whatever. He would have had to wait three months at the most until the next one, so imagine my... surprise when he pulled into our townhouse's parking spot in a fucking brand new Honda Accord, totally suped up and costing around $25k. WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. Fuck my permission at that point... he had called earlier that day saying he was going out to a car dealership to get an estimate on his Rabbit, and he came home with a car we never even discussed.
... I made him return it. He couldn't, so he downgraded, but I never trusted him after that (and he was sooooo indignant whenever I brought it up after that, like I was just supposed to forget it ever happened. Yeah, fuck that).
When we were figuring out finances during the divorce, I realized very quickly why I should never have trusted him with sole financial responsibilities. He always insisted we didn't need a savings account despite my protests otherwise (I really wanted one to save three months' worth of our income for emergencies, especially after Tycho came around) and generally always said we were financially solvent. Between the two of us, by the time we separated, we made about $150k combined.
Imagine my surprise when we went to split the bank account and there was a GRAND TOTAL of TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS in the account. True, we had no credit card debt; true, we made some money off the house (each of us took away just shy of $7k). But two thousand dollars to our name?!?! FOR REAL???
I wasn't mad at the time, just scared shitless. I made almost half what he did, and if the house didn't bring in anything, I was going to really struggle. I didn't have enough to afford a fucking deposit on an apartment with what we had, and unlike Matt (who has taken advantage of this benefit), I didn't have parents who could help pay for anything!
Long story short: I set up a budget, cussed Matt under my breath for putting me (not him, ME) in this situation, and somehow managed to save around $100/month after expenses after we separated, even considering fun stuff for Tycho. I blew my savings when I moved because I had to take out money for a down payment on my house, but I was incredibly frugal and managed to make it on my own, which is no small feat.
And Matt? He makes six figures and still lives paycheck to paycheck. He bought a $2k television that, you guessed it, dropped in value not even six months after he bought it... down to $400. It's ridiculous, really. And you know what? I don't feel bad at ALL. FUCK him and what he did to me.
So going into this relationship, I'm very wary of impulse buys and generally having no control of, much less knowledge of, anything going on financially.
I knew I had told Alden before about the points above, but not about how destitute we were before Matt and I separated. That shocked him to the core, I think; it shocked me, too. After we left therapy, he did mention that he was a big boy and could take care of finances on his own, but he does realize that I'm good at it and, considering my past experience with Matt, he's okay with me having a stronger hold on our finances.
He also likes what I do with my "fun" money. He wanted to do that with his ex, too -- have a separate account with money he could spend indiscriminately -- but she absolutely refused because she's a controlling manipulative bitch aaaaand I'm done. On the 1st and 15th of every month, my main checking account dumps $250 into a second checking account, and that money is for groceries, fun stuff, whatever else I may want or need outside my typical bills (mortgage, utilities, etc.). Using that method, I've been able to keep my head above water. I could probably raise that amount, but I honestly want to keep it there for a bit since I'm now paying for grad school, too (and by that, I mean... putting my tuition on a credit card because I'm not eligible for financial aid).
So we're going to work out a budget this weekend for the both of us. It'll help when Alden's divorce is final (LONG STORY IT'S STILL NOT OVER WTF) and he can take a loan from his TSP to take care of his debt -- one place, one amount, lower interest rate, and he's paying himself the interest -- and he wants to add my debt to it, too, which is incredible and I told him he doesn't have to. But we're in this together. Anyway, so wiht that budget will be figuring out what goes where and how much in "fun" money we'll have.
I'm excited, but really stupid nervous. I hate talking about money not only because of my past, but because I have a hard time seeing my worth, and I KNOW that's my hangup. But at least I have a supportive partner this time who won't berate me or force us into self-inflicted poverty.
I love him so goddamn much, y'all.